Tuesday, November 16, 2010

It's Out There Now, Lurking Like a Big Hairy Rapist at a Coach Station.

I've never been political.  Sure, I feel strongly about certain issues, vote with my fists and fight people when they disagree with me, but that's just who I am by nature.  Really has nothing to do with politics.  Okay, well, so by strict definition you could say my life is only politics, just outside the realm of Big-G-Government.  Modern political discourse gives me fucking indigestion.  Some dumbfuck mentions Glenn Beck or Michael Moore and I need wintergreen Pepto-Bismol with a burning, clenched Pavlovian fervor - seriously, right now anyone who glances my way probably thinks I haven't shat in a week. 

Still, I'm reviewing the blog of a twenty-year old, bright, impassioned British boy who plays for the conservatives.  Being a self-absorbed American with no party affiliation and a limited exposure to British politics that includes getting hammered and watching a shit-ton of C-Span 3 archived House of Commons videos in 2001 and salivating over Malcolm Tucker insults from In the Loop, I figured I'm about as qualified to review Richard's blog as anyone else.

Like I said, Richard is bright. At the wee age of twenty, he easily understands more about politics than the last American President, littered with the proper astringentositinessery of defensive youth (I make up words).  He recently chose to forego university, a decision I fully support (I hate that college is becoming a requirement instead of a compliment) but he seems to be bitter as fuck about it.

In fact, that's really the only thing I like about him:  it's hilariously frustrating watching him temper with rationality while he's obviously whipping his personal rage into submission and trying to squeeze it out into logic, but that fury seeps into the cracks and we know, we can tell, this Type A boy is fucking struggling to be a sensible, model citizen. 

Richard, you fucking puritan:  chill out.  Take a deep breath.  Go get yourself into some good, clean mischief, because boy, you are wound tight.  Are you this serious about everything you do? You're even serious about Doctor Who and World of Warcraft.  Take a lesson from Tenant's incarnation:  life, like time, is like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey-stuff.  Nothing is certain, progress is never linear, and retaining your humanity does not mean rein in, repress, and repeat, it means allowing yourself to feel all the colors on the spectrum with zeal and triumphing out of the sheer love of existence and a fascination with and mad respect for the world that allows you to exist in the first place.

You are an intelligent, passionate boy and your blog is informative and formal and I feel like you're choking the life out of your writing when you should be choking the life out of your dick.  I think this blog is important to you and you want to keep it professional.  That's fine.  But you're fucking twenty years old and this is boring as shit.  You're a "good writer."  But all that means is you're grammatically accurate and have average-to-above average word choice.  You aren't afraid to tell us your opinion, but you're afraid to put yourself into it.  Maybe you're going for textbook, informative opinion pieces and that's fine.  If that's what you're going for.  It's...you know.  Fine. It's not for me.

But here's what I want you to do. 

1.  Start anonymous blog.
2.  Go to video store that has porn.
3.  Rent some porn.
4.  Overcome your shame of facing the clerk.  
5.  Pay for porn in all small coins. 
6.  Go home.
7.  Watch porn.
8.  Jack off.
9.  Review porn on new blog.


  1. Pay in small change - ha! And if he is like my mum, at any checkout, he will wait till the clerk has asked for the money, THEN get out the change and THEN start counting it out....in Greek.

    Look forward to the porn review then!

  2. Shit's fucking expensive over there. Just saying.

    Also: you're choking the life out of your writing when you should be choking the life out of your dick is advice that should be carved in granite.

  3. Gah. There. There needs to be a comma up there. GAAAAAH. Shiner.


    Fix it.

  4. I wish I knew what in the good god damn you were talking ab-

    Oh. Is is that?

  5. Of course I fuck up with the tongue-in-cheekiness: check out my "is" double-up.

    Way to go, folks - now it's spreading.

  6. During high school I was all about equal rights for sauropods till I got laid by this deinonych chick. Man, you should have seen the scales on that one.

    Reviewee sounds like he's yelling all the time. In an annoying whiny Brit voice.

    Also, take a look at that stove.

  7. Uh, I don't see any grammatical miscues in your comment, Johnny. What's you're problem, anways?

  8. shiny knows how to spot someone in need of a good wank. Good eye, shine.

  9. shiny knows how to spot someone in need of a good wank. Good eye, shine.

  10. fuck you echo. You totally made my comment sound dumb.

  11. Oh my god I'm going to kill her. SHINER

  12. Miss Missives11/16/2010 6:21 PM

    Send him over my way, I'll spank the Dudley DoRight right outta him.

  13. Indeed. I say he just skips the porn store and small change and get's a livenin' up by letting us AAYSR girls knock the dirt off of his knickers.

  14. Dear Rassles,

    I fixed it and highlighted it. You are a crazy bitch. Have fun with your fucking OCD.

    - Shiner

  15. You are fucking hilarious.

    Does it strike anyone else as super awesome that a site purporting to/succeeding in tearing people apart with copious profanity employs a bunch of nerds who commit cyber-harakiri over even the most miniscule of typographical errors?

    I love you guys. [dreamy sigh]

  16. Shiner.....Rass = OCD indeed! Lady needs to lay off a bit.

    Has she expressed her gratitude yet or is she too busy lining up the cat food tins in her pantry?

  17. Yes, Nutjobber, it does strike me as super awesome. So does copious profanity. And nerds. And Shiner.

    Also? Where the hell is that boy with the knickers? I want to say naughty things to him...um...I mean...compliment him on receiving a nice review.

  18. I wonder if he'd ever show up. He really is a surprisingly good writer. He just writes about shit that I find boring.

  19. Miss Missives11/17/2010 11:21 AM

    His earnestness makes me want to sully him.

    I'm probably jealous because he is still hopeful and believes he can change things. Damn the hubris of youth.

  20. Dear Shiner,

    Thankyousomuch. You light up my life with your song.

    - Rassles

  21. I wonder if he got beat up when he was younger for being an insufferable prat?

    Not saying he is an insufferable prat. I just wouldn't be surprised.

  22. Rassles is right. Well, just on the second part. I do have an insufferable, grouchy image to maintain.

  23. Well, well, well. If it isn't our dear Richard. It's about time you showed up young man. Taking your time to get here after Shiner has told you your writing is good is a horrid and naughty response.
    It appears you shall now be sullied by Miss Missives and then sent to me to have the dust knocked off of your knickers and receive a sound cursing.


Grow a pair.