Friday, November 12, 2010

Am I evil?

History was made recently. There was so much awesome in one place that the universe imploded and folded upon itself. What you're experiencing now is merely a vivid dream by a medieval teen called Percy. Unfortunately, Percy lacks imagination, and so this universe does not feature Raptors with jetpacks carrying laser cannons.

Since we must persist with the mundane, let's ask ourselves a few questions and try to be honest. What do we do on this site? Provide gratification? Traffic? Donations? Is it difficult to understand that a review biased only by lack of acquaintance is the best service anyone can provide? Better still for free?And why do humans lack edible flesh? Even Texans barely qualify as a mid-morning snack.

I ask these questions because more than a few times a month we get submissions from self-proclaimed celebrities who're convinced of their greatness and expect us to kiss their ring of mediocrity. and so when shiner sent me over to "Quotidian Vicissitudes", I was tempted to roll my eyes. Ah great, a blog URL called "David Rochester"? What a ponce, I told myself. Ponce poncy poncity ponce ponce, there goes the evening.

And this would be the section where I would link and prove how silly a realtor-copyeditor's (!) thoughts are. How vain and incomplete his posts are. But I can't. And won't. Because after sifting through mountains of horse shit in the pursuit of something worthy on a slot in my reader, I may be on to something here.

David's writing is clean, dry and funny. It's like Sedaris without the annoying voice. I've read QV all this week, and even put off the review by an extra day (thanks for the idea Mrs. Raptor), just to find something to hate. Well, his about me is impossible to find I guess. He tends to overdo the "talk to people who got here by searching for weird shit". And why do people like lazy furballs cats? I can't really complain, though, after reading this, this, and this. David, we may not get along in person. We might meet at a cocktail party and I might excuse myself in the pursuit of dimwitted prey. But I'll read your blog.

The heartless bastards here like variety. I recommend they pour themeselves something dry, put their feet up and read. YMMV. So, still in a state of disbelief, I give you

I'm still not kissing your ring though.


  1. First off, I hate the title. It's too grad schooly.

  2. My disbelief surely surpasses your own, Mr. Raptor (or may I call you Johnny?). I agree that the URL is unpleasantly self-referential; back when I started the blog, I intended to use it as a business promotion site when I was freelancing, so I wanted it to be a no-brainer for search engines if anyone was looking for me by name. But then after I realized how cathartic it was to make fun of my editing clients, the business promotion idea became more ... business demotion. I was sure the blog title would cause digestive disturbance among the reviewers, but I'm still fond of it; I know I'm kind of a stuck-up gasbag, so I was aiming for hot-air pretentious with the name. Thanks for sticking with it despite the aforementioned gasbaggery.

    I've become addicted to your site here, and I'm so relieved you reviewed me, so I can comment without looking like I'm sucking up to the review team. Even if you'd given me the flaming fingers of fate, I'd still be a fan.

  3. Well, David, you certainly are making it difficult to dislike you, I'll give you that...

    Can I hop on Mme. Bellicose's shoulders and say that "Quotidian Vicissitudes" makes me want to stab you in the thesaurus?

  4. Yeah, you totally can. If we get enough people standing on each other's shoulders in regard to this particular issue, maybe we can reach Heaven. Oh, wait ... I think that was a "South Park" episode, and as I recall, it didn't turn out as well as the boys had hoped. So for safety's sake, I'd suggest you hop on Mme. B's bandwagon. But in any event, the underlying permission remains: you are free -- encouraged, indeed -- to stab me in the thesaurus.

  5. I don't even know what that means and I'm too lazy to look it up. I don't think I can pronounce it either. It's like that state where Boston is--I can't pronounce (or spell) it either. However, happily, I did read a few of the linked entries and liked them, but there's something about the typeface or kerning that is a little hard on my eyes.

  6. I probably shouldn't, but I was amusing myself by imagining that David Sedaris was reading Lord Rochester's posts to me aloud. There's just something about that lovely lispy man-boy's delivery that makes even a laundry list sound outrageously funny.

    What I love most about David Sedaris, is that by telling people that I love David Sedaris, I show them all how open minded and tolerant I am.

    Would that all Caucasians were as lovely as me. Now excuse me while I nosh some chicken tar tar...

  7. HIF - the grey colour shat me when I first went in there (ha! who am I to talk?) - I found it hard to look at.

    However I did find Mr R rather amusing. He does like the numbering in the posts, doesn't he?

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  9. This is my first visit here (came from Quotidian Vicissitudes) and I do believe I shall return ... but may I just say that I am disappointed that your link to the Best Comment Thread Ever takes me to one of those oh so charming Page not found links?

    I want to read the best comment thread ever!

  10. I'll dig it. I even like the bullet points.

    If only I could come up with 3 interesting things I could continue to write about each time I post...

  11. It is so refreshing to read a writer. Good stuff, will add to my reader and see how he reads over weeks.

  12. I quite like this blog. In my world, that's almost an IFLY.


Grow a pair.