Tuesday, November 30, 2010

One Word: No!


I flirted with reviewing you a while back, and now is your shining moment, which isn’t actually going to be very bloody shiny. I am going to start off where I left off. It goes something like this: ‘No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!’

Did you hear that Lil Miss Out of My Comfort Zone? NO. If I had a rolled up newspaper I would smack you like the puppy who has just peed on the carpet.

Again for clarification– NO!

You sure are out of your comfort zone, if the zone of comfort was something to write about that people actually gave a shit about. And on another note, do you know why else you suck? You haven’t posted since September the 7th. I am guessing you picked up on the fact that you were going to be reviewed in the near future when good ‘ol Shiny Pants asked you to unprivate your blog. But no, you obviously didn’t pick up that a steaming pile was headed your way.

How old are you anyway? It is clear that you are very young, using ‘n’ for the word ‘and’... and you know what? I have no idea what sex you are. I assumed female and then there you are, crapping on about Cricket. Not that girls don’t like Cricket. But I liked to make assumptions, my little discomfited girly-boy.

I am not going to link to anything on your blog here. Why? Because I don’t wanna; you pissed me off. Why the hell do you need to regale us with R. Kelly lyrics, which will now have many unfortunate Ass-kers believing they can fly and can touch the sky? Why do you crap on about Religion, Napping, Michael Corleone, Cricket and Being an Introvert like you are an expert on any of those things? (Okay, I will pay you the napping) Just because someone said you write okay, it doesn’t mean you have to torture the rest of us and start grandstanding. Start small. Tell a story, a little one. I knew a guy who could reduce you to tears just from writing about how he woke up and took a piss. He was that good.

But you, kid? You need to go away, grow up, get some experiences. Just small ones. And not ones that include how much your sucker parents love you and buy you a new phone every time you bloody lose one. To quote Shiner, that is just obnoxious.

Now, I do realise I am tarring you with a very broad brush. I am sure if I had a blog at your age it would be a little sick making and a lot of ‘Why am I so Heartbroken, Misunderstood blah blah blah.’ Shit, I do that now - but bugger me, I was always a good writer. I was totally precocious man; my first grade story on Brontosaurus’ made the cover of the class book, dude – prehistoric butterfly in the illustrations and all. You? Well, you are doing well for someone who probably isn’t a native English speaker, but even so, watch your spelling; they like you to done spell good in ‘collage’ you know. And lay off the ellipses. And CAPS. And font fuckery. And learn the correct your/you’re. And the right their/there/they’re while ‘your’ (ha – see what I did their? And again! On fire today, Redpen, on FIRE) And, lastly, no more ‘ur’. Gah.

I want to say something nice, but at the moment all I see is a train-wreck that I am desperate to look away from; an off-key, ‘but my mum says I have a lovely voice’ screecher, that has people on the other side of the world watching you with through their fingers.

So what can I leave you with that won’t crush your young, tender soul? You seem happy and upbeat, but that could be because of all of the exclamation marks you use.

I am going to leave it up to our dear readers and your 6 followers; please, someone, find something in this young person’s blog that will give them the will and the hope to keep on. And just to punctuate that thought, my delightful dog, who is sleeping in the hallway, has just spiced the air with the delightful fragrance of meaty chunks, via his colon.

Comfort Zone, while you are at collage, study, study your arse off in physics or whatever else those crazy whipper snappers are jiving to these days. Cos a writer you will not be.

42 comments:

  1. Holy hell, Reaper - the shittiness of the blog is worth it for the review. Hilarious.

    ...!!!

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  2. Wow - a little pixie who thinks she's "demented" for grinding ellipses into Nirvana lyrics. Reminds me of the girls in high-school who thought they were "hardcore" because they liked Marliyn Manson's The Beautiful People.

    No wonder she tried to cockblock us.

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  3. Even if she was a good writer, I would still flaming finger her ass for ellipses abuse.

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  4. ok!!!!!.....so it was a great review...
    u surely were up to your name...
    n ripped me apart like anything....
    anyways...well i hope its all in good humor..n plz i am not much of a professional writer so i end up using sms language....cant help it!!!..
    n as for my age...keep guessing!!!
    all the best...

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  5. But I sure do like seeing RedReaper get all pissed off. That was fun!

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  6. I can't believe I typed that wrong

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  7. Uh, good humour? Sure - why not!

    So you are a girl?

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  8. "so i end up using sms language....cant help it!!!.."

    What what?! Are you incapable of learning how to write? If you really are suffering from a brain injury that prevents you from learning how to spell properly, then you may truck this abomination of a sentence out without censure.

    But my guess is that you are lazy. Which makes you come across as willfully stupid. Which is no way to go through life, child.

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  9. Oh maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. I wish I would have stayed over here and just typed up a bunch of
    ...
    and
    OMG!!!

    Instead I got all jacked up and off the hook and went back to the last review to beat up TheoTard.
    I'm even threatening to stump break him again.

    Sheesh!

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  10. And a shout out to Shiny who posted this because my invite to contribute was taken back - what am I - a fucking vampire?
    (well said Scorpio)

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  11. I'll give a shout out to Shiny.

    Here's a big ol "..."
    and a giant "OMG!!!"

    Oh, and aren't you a vampire, RedPen? Aren't you? Please tell me you are. I need you to be so one of my friends will stop pestering me about reading those damn Eclipse books.

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  12. It's "writers" such as this text-infused idiot who will keep me in work as an editor until I'm too old and pissed-off to tell a gerund from a dachshund.

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  13. Let's see if I can rephrase that.

    People such as the writer of the reviewed blog, who know how to communicate only in text-speak, will keep editors such as myself in business until such time as cumulative age and frustration degenerate my brain to the point where I am unable to distinguish between two words ending in -und, one of which is a part of speech, and one of which is a dog.

    On second thought, that may not be any clearer.

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  14. Won't that be kind of fun though? The thing about not knowing if a dachshund is involved or not? I saw a guy riding his horse today who was being followed by a dachshund. Not that that has anything to do with what you just said. Other than the fact that, maybe, I didn't see the dachshund at all.

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  15. @redpen reaper-yes i am a girl!!!!...sorry u had a tough time realizing that
    @scorpio woperchild-:-)...Well,No I don't have any brain injury as such.I am perfectly sound.As for the spelling part yes I will take note of that and yes you got it right on that laziness part.

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  16. So :-) or Symbolactuallyknownassomeonewhodoesn'tuseadictionary,
    Let's set you a challenge. Get on your blog and tell us a story. Just a snippet. Hell, go check out Mr London Street and his 100 Word Posts (although they actually are very hard to do)Write without the affectations of the youth of today. Let us feel the wind in our hair, the sand between our toes, the underwear wedged in our butt-crack or whatever it is you want us to share and identify with.

    Now go. I will be back to check....

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  17. Dagnabbit, I posted a comment like an hour ago and it has disappeared into cyberwherever. Fault of the iphone I was using, I believe. Although that thing is gonna cook me breakfast one day so it was probably just the operator.

    Anyhoo. I was gonna say, RedPen be a BIT nice, karmic crowbar will get you, picking on the young and innocent, who by all accounts have taken your reaping in very good humour.

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  18. I failed spelling when I was in collage.

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  19. OMG they teach spalling in collage?????? THAT'S SO AWWWWWWWWWWASOME!

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  20. oh my god!!!!!!...just a second though...i think that collage is irking you a bit too much.......
    but you are so bloody awesome....
    n yes I used to fail big time in my dictation test....why be apologetic about it....!!!
    i am not contesting for spelling bee...
    but i am sure it really made your day!!!!...
    hu haaaa....!!!grow up buddy...
    don't take your spellings so seriously nobody does except redpen reaper(but then I don't mind him ripping me apart...i asked for it...)...but not you for sure!!!!

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  21. Mongolian Girl=too repetitive...

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Grow a pair.