Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Breakfast of Champions

My favorite thing to do when I first wake up is to pour myself a cup of freshly ground coffee, go out on my balcony, and read the local paper while enjoying a cigarette.

Yep, that's right. I am a smoker. I've wasted a ton of money, at the end of the day I smell like an ashtray, and I can't even walk quickly without having an asthma attack. Not something I'm proud of, but there it is.

A lot of good things have come out of my dirty, filthy habit though. For instance, I've met people who are now close friends because we were both outside freezing our asses off. One such friend has a theory that smokers are more interesting people, since you have to be pretty emotionally damaged to willingly sacrifice years off your life for a quick fix.

Which is why, given the choice between blogs, I chose to review "Inspired by Caffeine and Nicotine". I figured someone who chooses those particular addictive substances for their blog title has to be interesting.

I wasn't wrong. Robblogger is a sci-fi fan with a twisted sense of humor, who plays fucked up pranks on his very patient live-in girlfriend. He also hates the general public and writes opinionated and snarky posts about popular culture. I like it. He reminds me of my friend with the "Smoker Theory".

However, there are lots of things I don't like. 90% of his posts are rambling, stream-of-consciousness-type monologues. This blog would be much easier and more enjoyable to read if I could follow what the hell Robblogger is saying. Sometimes it's like reading the blog of an ADD-riddled drunken monkey, hyped up on too much coffee and cigarettes.

Oh, wait.

My advice to Robblogger is the same advice we end up giving almost everyone who has potential. Tighten that shit up. Edit, edit, edit. Cut out everything that doesn't move the story along and is just filler to make your posts longer. (Jesus, I have no idea why your posts are so fucking long.) Split them up into individual stories and post them separately. You bitch about people Twittering about their tuna sandwich at lunchtime (agreed), but your blog is filled with similar shit that your readers have to wade through to get to the good stuff.

The other huge faux-pas . . .blogging about blogging. This is coupled with a seeming obsession with getting followers, getting page views, and making money off of blogging. Booooooring.

No one wants to read about blogging. They want to read stories about your life and they want to be entertained. Your blog is only 4 months old. You have more followers and readers than you really should at this point. And this obsession makes me wonder if you only submitted here to get page views/money from clicks. (P.S. That's why there are no links to specific posts in this review. I don't like being used, ass.)

And making money off of blogging? We all wish. I know it's hard to pay the bills when you're unemployed (believe me, I do), but begging for money from strangers on the internet, while posting about how you just bought a new digital camera? Sorry, Charlie, but fuck off.

I'm really pissed right now. This guy is enough of an asshole, I think he'd fit in around here. Maybe even be capable of doing a couple guest posts if he got his writing act together. But the obsession with clicks and page views and making money off of this kind of make me hate him.

For that, you get a:

And for being an amusing asshole:


  1. Thanks for the review!

    I have to say that is the best review I've received so far. And the Kurt Vonnegut inspired title, love it.

    Lots of great tips, thanks.

    "It's like reading the blog of an ADD riddled drunken monkey."

    Ever since I read the best selling Latvian, "Banana Daiquira Dairies" By the ADD riddled apes, I've been trying to emulate their style. A little proud to know I've hit it on the nose.

    But seriously, thank you for checking out my blog, it should give me a few page views, maybe a few followers, and maybe I can make a bit of money off the whole thing.

    I love your site you guys are absolutely brilliant.

  2. First thing I read was about his hits from France. I remember being obsessed with hits and links and views and wanting to analyze every little nuance of the day's statistics.

    Then I grew up and started writing.

  3. Problem is, once you become cognizant of what pulls people to your blog it becomes difficult not to pander, even subconsciously.

    Smoke, Ms. Nasty? As in, let's go for one - I've got some killer native smokes that don't all taste like compressed dogshit.

    Meet me out back?

  4. I try to keep my head out of what another person's motives might be in any given situation. Especially what motivates someone to blog.
    But then they pipe up and get all clear and concise and everything about why they blog.
    And it makes me need to smoke.
    A lot.

  5. Smoking and reading a newspaper? Did we just timewarp back to the 1960's? Shall we also have a scotch and harass our secretaries?

  6. Was it the "jiggles" thing that's preventing people from commenting? Because I don't actually have a secretary.

    I know - shocking.

  7. After 2 years of blogging I have a hardy band of readers but I know I ain't ever gonna make money from it. But wouldn't it be nice? Though I have the feeling I would have to sell a little bit of my soul for that to happen.


Grow a pair.