Thursday, December 23, 2010

Hoochie Coochie Man

Christmas in the Raptor family is a low key affair. We nod politely at our neighbors who're desperate to inject some cheer in their lives since the only other attempt at family bonding is during turkey day, and is almost always a failure. I mean, imagine a herd of stegos staring quizzically staring at meat, not knowing where the grass is. Still, this season gives me the chance to empty whatever's left of my scotch inventory and stock up for the coming year.

This time of the year, I need all the help I get from inebriation, for there are more colors to behold than an acid trip in a 70s disco. Kind of like today's blog. Cogent Ascending is authored by someone who describes himself thus "My mind is the waste management facility of the gay intellectual". I must confess, that makes no sense to me, and would have made no difference if I wasn't this hungover. My pounding head aside, this review took a lot of hard work. Well, a lot of focus anyway. I use a battery of filters and blockers to keep my browser light and functional, and to blot out shit I can't be wasting my time with. So when I fired up cogent ascending, I was surprised to see large empty spaces and captions floating in the middle of whitespace. I turned the filters off, and lo behold, my eyes were subjected to more flesh and absurdities than a B-grade horror flick. And this review would have taken a lot less effort if EVERY FUCKING POST didn't look like it was printed on a pamphlet for a lame garage sale.

Jorge(?), your interests are listed as "writing, reading" but how the fuck do you expect your readers to appreciate any of that if you fuck up the presentation so bad? There's a reason every piece of prose is written in left-to-right orientation, and no "personal preference" justifies formatting otherwise. I deserve a fucking medal for braving on, for tolerating this assault on my senses. Jorge rips on creationists, homophobes and religious douches. These days any talentless schmuck can get a soapbox to to pick right wingers (hi Fallon!), so reading the blog bored me. Making fun of Palin is like tweeting. Everyone does it and no one brings  anything original to the table.

Look Jorge, don't get me wrong - it fills me with uncontrollable rage that a section of the society is still persecuted against. I cannot fathom why you puny humans need legistlation to deny basic happiness to your own kind. I see the need for debate, and can understand why someone in your position would be so cynical and bitter. What I don't get is why you try so hard. When things are this bad, a blog should write itself. It doesn't need to be supplemented by lousy pictures, bad formatting and histrionics. Fine, even if it is "your thing", it makes no sense cramming it down your readers' throats 3000 words per post.

You're an opinionated, educated, gay man living in Vegas. I see opportunity. I see you have a platform. I see you wasting it. Clean up your act already. Here's an exercise. Write 5 posts in a row with no pictures and a 200 word limit. Right now you're that out of control wierdo at the bar who won't shut the fuck up. I have a lousy hangover and your stupid blog sure didn't help. I'm going back to sleep.

For your terrible formatting and all those stupid pictures you get a solitary finger

For banal self indulgence you get a meh


  1. I just want to know if the photos of men and women fucking a scorpion have anything to do with our own darling Scorpio?

  2. Yeah, not a fan of this blog. The centering of the text is off-putting. I'll stick with Glitter for Brains for my gay intellectual waste management facility. (What the?). A flaming finger on a short bus.

  3. I used to do that - yell and rant and carry on and on and on about shit I hated. I was all I don't care what people think about me... but they SHOULD know I feel THIS about THAT. Now I'm all [shrug].

    Also, centre-justified blogs are dumber than jackrabbits.


    This. Is. Awesome.

  5. Mongolian Girl12/24/2010 11:52 AM

    Yeah. Unicorn man is awesome. Especially his ass. I'd fuck him WAY before I'd fuck that damn scorpion.

  6. What bothers me about his blog is that it's like, "Yeah, I know. Yeah. I know. I KNOW. I FUCKING KNOW. STOP PREACHING TO THE CHOIR."

    It's unfortunate. My best friend's girlfriend is like this, and it drives me crazy. Stop trying to argue with me about lesbians, girl. Just because I have sex with men doesn't mean I don't agree with you.

    And it's frustrating because he writes well, and I agree with his opinions, but I really just can't fucking stand platform blogs.

  7. So, Shiner - I had a dream about you and Ryan Reynolds last night. Was odd. But aren't all dreams?

  8. That's bullshit. I never dream about me and Ryan Reynolds.

  9. You'd think I would though, but my dreams are in charge of me and I have absolutely no control over them. It's all, "Oh, Ryan Reynolds, you're so dreamy" and then it's not Ryan Reynolds, it's Ben Affleck from 1994, back when he had tiny teeth and a beer gut, and he's trying to wrestle me into the back of a Volkswagon.

  10. Ah, Mall Rats.

    Do you even like Ryan Reynolds? Cos if you do that is just weird and you probably incepted me into knowing that without knowing that. But then, if you could do that then it would just be easier for you to dream about him, rather than me dreaming about you and him.



Grow a pair.