Friday, January 21, 2011

R2G2 and C3POmigod, Why Is There So Fucking Much Clutter?

I have just been face-fucked by the icy cock of winter, and, as such, am both chilly with shame and frigid in want of vengeance. But, truly, is there a better mindset for the act of reviewing than scrolling through some unfortunate soul’s bloggage whilst harbouring the still-crisp memory of Jack Frost raping my face? I think not; in fact, I would go so far as to say that an entirely unpleasant environmental assault is often just the kick in the pants (or fuck in the face) necessary to fully tear someone the fuck apart. That being said, fellow Askers, hear me when I say that I am severely disappointed in 2Gooeysphere (which is not the actual name of the blog, but more entertaining by a pretty substantial margin); it needs neither the kind of evisceration that would help me banish thoughts of my frozen face-fucking to the part of my brain reserved for hazy recollections, nor is it good enough to warm the chill from my cheeks. It sits on the fence, and I daresay I fucking hate fence-sitters.

Now, if given the choice between sucking out loud and writing brilliantly, most would choose the latter, surely; but if you actually want the latter, you need to fucking focus. You, g2, put a remarkable amount of work into your posts and you do so with an enthusiasm that's obvious even without your tiresome excessclamation points… but you can lick my balls sideways if you think I enjoy lurking under the monolithic shadow of that overzealous goddamned sidebar to read your shit. The posts are already little clusterbombs of plenty, what with the photoshopping and written commentary and such - fuck off with that extraneous clutter. Simplify, man; there’s not much to differentiate your header from the rest of your insane-asylum gray background, and it looks like someone threw a handful of cats at a Ouija board to determine the placement of those wholly-unnecessary flourishes that crowd the title. The overall effect of your flare on my concentration is devastating.

There is also the small matter of the 8000 mile cultural divide to reckon with, globalization be damned. When I see "I am going to Hyderabad for Diwali", I read "I am going to [action-verb involving badass eight-headed water beast] for [someone named] Diwali", not "I am going to [location] for [festival of lights]", and that right there isn’t the aforementioned cultural divide’s fault so much as it’s mine for wanting what you’re saying to be exciting. It’s not, mostly, especially when you’re rocking two-part automobile-permit scandal posts that stand outside my frame of reference or comparing Jesus to someone I‘ve never heard of. Oh, I could do some research, as you yourself did in regards to comedy, but, really, am I going to research something I’m not particularly interested in for the purposes of superficially rounding out a free blog review?

Pfft. Please.

So, where does that leave us? Well, I don’t think you should throw yourself off a cliff, but I also don’t want to read your blog anymore than I want to slapped in the genitals with a hammer, so something must be done. I’ve invested far too many intermittent moments over the last month to backhand a "meh" at you, but as much as I enjoyed both The Pigeon Fool Principle and its Implications Of sequel (if for no other reason than the titles), I fucking despised this cloying piece of fluffery, and am thus inventing a new rating:

Smarten up.


  1. Mongolian Girl1/21/2011 12:14 PM

    "tiresome excessclamation points"

    You, Sir, are fuckin' brilliant.

  2. Thank you!!!<------super-cleverness in action

    [deep bow]

  3. Mongo I was going to highlight the exact same phrase!!! Quit bein in my head!

    Also, WTF.

  4. I've always enjoyed that little Seinfeld bit about dogs and shit. Because it ends before it veers off into pictures of dogs wearing sunglasses.


Grow a pair.