Friday, March 25, 2011

No, THIS is tellin' like it is

You know what we haven't had around here for awhile? A mommy blog.

Fan-fucking-tastic. Am I not the perfect person to review this blog? The single, childless, 30-year-old. Woot woot.

Anyway, why the hell did this chick submit here? While we have people who happen to be parents affiliated with this site, I really don't think we're the audience she's looking for.

For instance, look at her word cloud:


Are you kidding me? The only time I willingly read shit like this is when I'm in the waiting room of a doctor's office and my only other option is Sports Illustrated.

I mean, this lady took the time to write a post about the evolution of her hair. And uploaded pictures at each stage. Who gives a shit about that? Other mommy bloggers and the ladies from her birthing class.

(Check out the results from the poll in the link above. It should give you an idea of her readership.)

She uploads tons of boring pictures of her kid. The only people who want to see pics like that are grandmas. Not just any grandmas, but the grandmas of the child in question.

About a month ago, she gave a play by play update on her kid's illness. Ended up being just a fucking COLD. Again, grandmas only care about that shit.

Now, one could claim I have nothing in common with this blogger, therefore her blog is not my cuppa and to just move on.

Fuck that.

I have plenty of mommy and a few daddy bloggers in my reader. There's a huge difference between those blogs and the blog up for review today. The bloggers I read haven't let their children completely define their existence. Their blogs aren't about being parents; they're about their real lives, which just happen to include parenting. They don't try to portray their lives as idyllic and Stepford-esque. The bloggers make me care about them and about their kids. They actually make me want to be a parent myself, even when they write about the kid getting into his own diaper and smearing poop on the walls.

Polka Dot Hippo makes me want to go out and get a hysterectomy. If parenthood equals zombies with no personality, who have no life and nothing to talk about besides their kid, I'll pass, thank you very much.




28 comments:

  1. You guys, if I recall, rather liked my mummyblog, even if I did talk too much about my boobs.

    I have loads of mummyblogs in my reader, but they've all got that special *something* that makes them stand out. And for me, I need to see that special something in the first 3 posts I look at, otherwise I click away, because with over 160 blogs in my reader, I don't have time for anything that isn't going to leap out, stab me in the eye and say "READ ME" in a dominating tone.

    But that's just me.

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  2. If there is anything cuter than two babies in the bath together I just don't know what it is. (From here).

    Maybe my childhood abuse makes me biased - but still, I personally think that gouging out my eyes with barbed wire would be cuter. I'm sure watching two kids playing in these circumstances is great for their parents (and as you say, grandparents) but for the internet en masse? Methinks not.

    Great review. I particularly concur with your last paragraph!

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  3. I just love blogs like this: they reaffirm my choice 20 years ago to have my tubes cut, BEFORE I'd had any children.

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  4. Miss Missives3/25/2011 10:58 AM

    Parenting can be interesting to read about if you know how to write rather than report.

    the talk

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  5. In her About Me she says that her ad clicks haven't come close to help cover the cost of running her blog. My blog doesn't cost a dime. Am I doing it wrong?

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  6. Thanks for the review. A friend of mine had her blog reviewed by your site as well so I thought it was worth a try. I appreciate the feedback but I was hoping for some more tips kind of like the FAQ section you have posted here on the site. I did read through it and found it helpful, even though you'd probably disagree. I know my blog is very parenting heavy but my life has been as well. I hope that my blog will grow through time but right now, well that's what it is - a way for me to document my daughter's life - her baby book I guess.
    As for the costs of the blog - I pay to host my own URL and had someone design my header. Not too much for costs but not too much revenue either.
    I appreciate your time. I am bummed that my blog makes people never want to have kids - that's not really where I'm going with it but I do appreciate the honesty.

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  7. Erica, that guilt-mongering "hoping for some more tips" shit is annoying. You were unhappy with your review? We are unhappy with your blog.

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  8. I can understand wanting to give a little blurb of updates so you can ABSOLUTELY COVER EVERYTHING THAT SOMEONE MIGHT IDENTIFY WITH MAYBE, but that's like hitting your own refresh over button and over again. It's tedious.

    Try taking ONE sentence from your post and expanding on it.

    Take this:

    "If there is anything cuter than two babies in the bath together I just don't know what it is."

    Why is it cute? Does it remind you of something? Does it make you feel anything? Are you prepared to defend this statement with the boldness of glitter and kittens? Why is it that the hippo on your header has a face interchangeable with a monkey?

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  9. Your blog is like splenda. Sweet, chemically contrived, calorie-free. It's like just eating splenda with a fucking spoon.

    Half the fun of eating is calories. Otherwise what's the point? Write something you'll regret. Be honest. Or write a blatant lie - just for the sake of writing something instead of a succession of facebook updates that I would totally hide if they were in my feed.

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  10. Thanks Shinerpunch. Mothers are experts on the guilt.

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  11. What a waste of internet space.

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  12. Hey puppy kickers,
    She read your FAQ section that says, "It is our goal to give bloggers solid, helpful feedback on their blogs." She probably didn't know that she would have to beg. Why not be a little more upfront about your disdain for working moms. Heather

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  13. I gave her PLENTY of advice, but her feelings were hurt and she failed to realize it.

    "The bloggers I read haven't let their children completely define their existence."

    (Don't let your children completely define your existence.)

    "Their blogs aren't about being parents; they're about their real lives, which just happen to include parenting."

    (Write about YOUR LIFE, not just about your kid and whatever parenting book you just read.)

    "They don't try to portray their lives as idyllic and Stepford-esque."

    (People only like to read things if they're comedic or dramatic. Entertaining or thought provoking. Don't blog at all unless you're going to do one or the other. Or maybe a combo of both.)

    And Heather? What the hell did she think she was getting herself into by submitting her blog to a site called "iwillfuckingtearyouapart.com"?

    Erica, why did you submit your child's baby book here? What kind of advice were you looking for?

    Some examples of good blogs of women who happen to be moms : Formerly Fun (linked to above) and Barefoot Foodie. A "daddy blog" in my reader is Out-Numbered.

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  14. She really didn't like her review.

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  15. I love it when people just complain about the review they get and shout about unfair everything is. No one likes to be told their life is not interesting.

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  16. Thing is, most people's lives are uninteresting to strangers.

    My life is awesome, of course, so I am an exception.

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  17. Shag is also awesome, of course.

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  18. So she picked out one review from the IFLY list (and not mine, which is why we're having this discussion) and used that as her beacon to golden blogdom. It was ABDPT.

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  19. "You suck" is sometimes the best advice you can ever get.

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  20. I have to say I am a friend of the blogger, and even I can't stand it! As a mother- relax and let your kid be a kid. Stop reading books, they can't teach you how to raise a child. You have to go through it, and let your child be who they are going to be. You are not molding a ball of clay- you are creating a person that has their own life to explore.

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  21. Wow. That word cloud is BAD NEWS for depressives.

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  22. "Anonymous said...

    I have to say I am a friend of the blogger, and even I can't stand it!"

    Hey, Anonymous - I know who you are and I saw what you did. Now I'm blocking you from ALL my internet networks, and the land line too. Some "friend".

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  23. Wow, a virtual catfight. :D

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  24. Whining reviewees? Here? No!
    There is blogging and there is setting up an internet space to help family members and friends keep up with your kid.
    Why not start a separate blog? Keep the address private from actual friends and family members. Sometimes that's all it takes.

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  25. Man... commenting as People in the Sun does make me want to go back to blogging... We'll see.

    Anyway, I've defended parents' blogs here before, and I'm happy to do it again. Just a short note about the hair post, because I already feel stupid, like I'm explaining a knock-knock joke.

    As soon as you have a child, you begin a life-long battle to reclaim your self-identity (or at least to redefine it on your own terms). This means romanticizing your child-free days and dreading any further step in the transformation.

    A baby starts as a creature that takes the mother's food, then it changes her body, then it kills her mental health, and then it destroys her self-identity. One of the stages of the transformation is the rite of passage known as Getting a Mom Hair. The post that's criticized here as "evolution of hair" that apparently no one should give a shit about, is not about hair, but about the inevitable acceptance of a person's new identity. I understand not everyone likes children or think they're cute, but even the haters need to look beyond the hair.

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  26. PIS, I understand what you're going for, I really do, and there are other parents who blog about that topic in an engaging, interesting way.

    But that's not the case here. That's like saying Air Bud is a critique of alcoholism and its effects on animal abuse, or the stages of grief, or forming an extraordinary bond with a pet to supplement the loss of a parent.

    Yeah. I've seen Air Bud a bajillion times. I was babysitter.

    But we all know it's about a dog playing fucking basketball.

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  27. I hate you people for making me click on this fucking tripe of a site, her most recent post showed her mug and i didn't have to read a thing, it reeked of annoying twit, and that evolution of hair? it's fucking mom hair, it's like throwing in the fucking towel, fuck that blog annoyed me, that woman annoyed me, she makes me want to do speedballs so i can forget i ever read it.

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Grow a pair.