Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Oh! The Places That Are There That You Will Point Towards!

I have a favorite coffee shop.  It's pretty standard, as far as coffee shops go. The owner/barista has a tattoo of a fox curling around his ear, with the tail tracing underneath his jaw and I am in love with him.  He eyes me with pleasured surprise, tickles my palm with the tips of his fingers when he hands me my change, brushes eyes with me at the exact moment of contact and grins wickedly.  I hold my breath, blushing like a proper whore.  He is the most charming man I've ever met.  No force can shatter our lusty, caffeinated kinship.  That shit is spiritual.  I turn shyly to catch the next customer getting the same treasured gaze, and it smells like cinnamon and desire and I'm sure he douses his carrot cake with aphrodisiacs and I'm proud to be a part of his business, because that dude is sexy as hell.

Caryn also has a favorite coffee shop, but I don't really understand why.  It just sounds like another coffee shop.  She's a Jewish ESFJ who likes a tidy little Sunday, having a boyfriend, and reading her Kindle and eating giant tins of popcorn, but who doesn't like Holiday popcorn? Fucking everybody likes Holiday popcorn.  Except for the haters, who can suck it. 

But you see, Balance Overload is not really so much about the story of Caryn as it is about stuff, and stuff that is very safe, and her advice about stuff that is safe.  Since she's a college career counselor, this is unsurprising.  But as we all know: the information a blogger chooses to omit says just as much about them as what they include.  Her mom reads her blog, poor thing.  Caryn, honestly, what the fuck were you thinking?

Yeah, I know, your mom is your best friend and you tell her like everything, you fucking liar. You write with bland assurance and mechanical perfection, you give us at least one adorable aside per post and you end with questions intended to illicit small discussion.  Clockwork.  It's the sort of masked dynamic that makes me angry and then very, very sad, as if you want to articulate something important about yourself, but you don't want to reveal too much so you say it about the fucking Bachelor instead.

It's shit like that that brings me to my next point, which is integral: it is more important to me to defend the honor of Cottonelle over Charmin than it is to hear about your "religious odyssey", and my reasons are twofold:

1. Cottonelle is like wiping my ass with rainbows after shitting gold.
2.  You give me no explanation as to why you and JB were conflicted in your interfaith relationship.  I sense no tension in your words, I can find no reason for wasting your time on counseling.  You are speaking in generalities.  If I want to read generalities on interfaith relationships I will buy a book written by a fucking expert. But I want to hear about YOU, nancy-girl.

Your most telling entry, and your best, is this, and I like it so much I will link it twice.  This is who you are.  You are energized by simple pleasures and conclusions, and I dig that because it's personal and it fits you. It also tells me you're concerned with the destination rather than the journey.  Yes, you are.  YES YOU ARE.  Don't argue with me, I'm right.  Your blog is about general conclusions you make about stuff, with nothing detailing how you got there.

Unfortunately, that's not at all what I care about. 


  1. She sounds unerringly nice which, whilst inoffensive, isn't exactly a huge compliment.

    I have to say though, that the following quote from her 'About' page nauseated me:

    ...my whole life often feels like a seesaw...one end is always up in the air while something else is keeping me anchored. And I love it this way!

    But then I'm a bit of a bitch, and don't really 'get' nice girls. Whatever the case, great review - 'Meh' seems entirely appropriate.

  2. I agree, but I always feel guilty calling people nice, and try to avoid it as much as possible.

  3. And in regards to "nice" girls: who does? No one understands them. They're the reason men think women are a mystery.

  4. I love the review. In fact I want to use this in my "About" page: "You are energized by simple pleasures and conclusions, and I dig that because it's personal and it fits you. It also tells me you're concerned with the destination rather than the journey. Yes, you are. YES YOU ARE. Don't argue with me, I'm right. Your blog is about general conclusions you make about stuff, with nothing detailing how you got there."

    It's spot on for so many crappy blogs out there (including mine). Shinerpunch, hope you're making some money off your talent.

  5. Appreciate the review. I definitely could benefit from taking my blog a little deeper, thanks for the push!

  6. I hope you do - personalize and polish, I say.

  7. Even though your writing is very polished.

  8. I like that picture she's using for her header, but I hate how that picture she's using doesn't fit in her goddamn header.

  9. Miss Missives3/17/2011 11:01 AM

    She is skim milk and I want heavy cream.

  10. The Miss Again3/17/2011 11:07 AM

    And no one understands nice because "nice" is a facade. And when people blog the facade, it's rarely a good read unless you have amazing creative skills, which most people don't which is why they(you know they right?)always say write what you know. Even so-so writers, writing about the real, are going to be a better read than a goodish writer being nice.

  11. But for example, the last blog I reviewed - that girl was nice. But she was joyful and sincere, as well.

    I really wanted to like this blog. Really truly I did. A blogger in my demographic who doesn't write about marriage and babies, who doesn't say "awesomesauce" all the time and likes dogs? We are so gonna identify with each other, right? No, turns out. I'm so upset.

  12. I just found a piece of cloth in my bag of chips. It ruined the whole experience like the same way egg salad sandwiches get ruined by eggshells.

    Does anyone give a shit about my bag of chips? email me, I need a friend.


Grow a pair.