Thursday, February 01, 2007

He's Really Going To Fuck You Up

My name is Josh Xalpharis and I am your guest reviewer for today. As a devoted reader for some time now, I was excited at being presented with the opportunity with writing a review of my own. In some idealistic notion of being able to provide constructive criticism for a fellow blogger, I believed that I could help someone.

How sorely mistaken I was.

I am under no impression that I am a nice person. I would go as far to say that I am an asshole. The reasons behind this is irrelevant, because the end result is the premise in which I began writing this review. I was more than ready to kick ass. Because I am sure that I am expected to be honest in my opinions, I have no problem with telling you that upon my first viewing of [Lover], I was floored. The mental preparation that went into this endeavor has been thoroughly shot to shit.

To make a long story short, I felt bad that I was to be the one to tell Paul that his blog is the online equivalent of a six-car pileup. While my inherent sadistic nature would relish this responsibility, I am unable to describe this utter clusterfuck.

The first thing that caught my eye was a telling sign of things to come. I took the time to read back to March of 2005, though I have yet to see an actual complete sentence. I'm not sure what that says about his literacy or writing skills, but it causes one giant-sized goddamned headache in the mind of this reviewer. Paul's ability to spell is but a small comfort.

I've also noticed that Paul is a fan of making lists. Whether it is a list of reasons not to strangle kittens, or anything else he deems fit to be the subject of a list. Of course, I could list said lists, but that would merely destroy any credibility I had in providing an opinion on whether his incessant list-making could be deemed as a target for my unending ridicule.

It has become something of a cliché to claim that one's own humble abilities are insufficient to "do something justice". I will not pretend to be beyond such claims, as I do not believe that I am the person to describe Paul's choice in a visual template. Due to my unwillingness to insult the intelligence of the readers, I am saying that I have seen more appealing burn-victims. Regardless, I believe that I can help Paul in this instance. The cost will be great, and the effort even more so, but I feel the best recourse in this situation is to invent an online method to remove the ability of his readers to see colors. Its worth it.

Unless he cares to provide the means for each person to purchase a bullet and rent a gun. Alas, the cliché strikes once again.

Is there anything I have yet to cover? Other than the insurance premiums from going color-blind. No? Let us move to the scores;

One will do.

Though another for emphasis can't hurt...

--Want to be a guest reviewer? Then stop bitching and sign up!--


  1. OK, I will post my review tonight, once blogger beta stops being a wierdo....

  2. hey Josh, congrats on reviewing for this site!!!

  3. Ummm, uh, well, ok. I see he did manage to knit 3 scarves in the last month, that is something, no?

  4. Better you than me, Josh.

    Especially after the week I've had.

  5. I'm just glad that Josh wasn't guest reviewing MY blog.

    Feels like I dodged a bullet.


Grow a pair.