Thursday, June 14, 2007

OMG Generation Y is starting to piss me off...

Lazy slackers all of them, and don't let them tell you otherwise. Apparently, the tweeners (balls and I) are the only ones who seem to give a shit about the commitment we've made to rid the blogosphere of crap whilst entertaining you along the way. Well, fine. WTFE.

I opened my browser this morning and was deluged by pepto bismal pink. Oh goodie, goodie gumdrops. For the record, I would never drink a fucking martini that looked like this. UGH. Martinis for Two, I don't love your template. Pink is totally not my color. Pink is NO ONE's COLOR unless they are 6 years old and headed to Disneyworld. Plus, something has gotten janky with your table widths, because your sidebar is showing up underneath all of your content on IE this morning. Just something to work on.

The sidebar is nice and clean, and minimalistic, and she explains a bit about herself, which helps clue me in to what is going on, but fix those tables. Generally speaking, this happens to me when I've put pictures in that are too wide. You might want to check that.

I kind of like her writing, she's beautiful, her groom is beautiful from what I can tell, and she sucked me in. Not a mommy blog, it's a happily ever after after after story, kind of encouraging for gals like me that have been run over and drug around the block a few times by love.

Diane, I'm going to pick your writing apart a little bit, and it may hurt, but my intentions are pure. I think you have "the stuff." I think that you and your story are sellable, not in the blogwhore way, but in the blogger-turned-published-writer way. But, in order for that to happen, you are going to have to polish your writing. You have a tendency to make sloppy mistakes. For instance...

“Well, congratulations and good morning to you too.” I thought. “I don’t even have the official marriage license yet LET alone a social security card.”

You need to strip it down, clean it up, avoid redundancies and the use of pat/trite phrases (let alone, etc.). You have an interesting past...you have a 3rd time around's a charm love story...you have an interesting future ahead of you. Do some thinking about your writing. Ask yourself, when you read a blog post:

1) Have I chosen the proper words for this context?
2) What words could I remove from each sentence while still keeping the flavor and charm?
3) Give yourself a goal...edit each post, and when you are finished writing, let it sit for an hour or so. Then, revisit it, with the goal of taking out first 10, then later, when you've been doing this style of editing longer, 20 words.
4) Determine how you are going to tell the story, what key aspects of the story stand out, and what could be eliminated. It is okay to write too much, you can always pare away and edit down.

Just...think about it. I'm not trying to rip you to shreds here, I am trying to push you to the next level.

I give you three stars, and a challenge: Find a better gawddamn template. ;)

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Keep writing, kiddo. :)

18 comments:

  1. Hello? Hello? This thing on? I was wondering if we're still in business. Apparently we are. Awesome.

    I don't hate this template. I've seen much worse. Agreed on the contextual issues she's having, but ultimately, and I'm being generous here, I wouldn't kill her too badly for it. It's not going on my blog roll, but, it's not bad either. Agreed on the three stars.

    Now, where the hell are the kids?

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  2. Thanks for the advice. I'll take it all in the spirit it is intended.

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  3. I like your review of this site because it is so constructive. I am going to take some pointers from this and do the same on my site. I always get something new out of the reviews!

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  4. SHOUT OUT, pt. 2: Electric Boogaloo...

    And if I've spelled "Boogaloo" incorrectly, please, for the love of god, someone let me know.

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  5. I believe that's the correct spelling of "boogaloo". Something going on with you and Bites, Ry?

    It's okay, you can tell me.

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  6. Oh, you think you're the only one who is allowed to have blog crushes, Balls? Is that jealousy I hear in your tone? Or just wishful thinking in my fingers?

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  7. Who knows? I'm so damn confused as to what actually goes on around here I don't even know who likes who or who's doing who or any of it.

    Thank god tomorrow is Friday. Fireballs in the morning, and tequila in the evening. Any takers?

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  8. I'll be your huckleberry, Balls...

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  9. Don't make me snatch the hair offa yo hayud.

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  10. As far as I can tell, we're just fuck-buddies...at least that was my interpretation of getting pepper-sprayed and kicked in the neck after I was used and thrown away like a hooker on New Year's Eve...

    All right; she actually only kicked me in the back, but that still made the pepper-spray a tad unwarranted.

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  11. I have a hairless head.

    I think we all know which head I'm talking about.

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  12. What a coincidence...me too. Mistress, do you make it a three-some?

    I suppose I should just buy a bottle of baby oil and we could just make a big down and nasty pile of reviewers and a few selected reviewees.

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  13. Mistress, you name the place, I'll bring the Patron.

    Bites, you got your man. Ryan seems all about it.

    Kat, nice to see you emerge from the underground.

    I actually got a sweet blog for tomorrow, relatively speaking. Balls is actually happy out here in the hinterlands. Shocking.

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  14. Sounds good. Ry, have I mentioned I'm a huge fan of recycling? I probably just tossed you into the used but salvageable heap for later.

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  15. ` Well, at least I have a bit of a head-start here....
    ` Most people think my writing is polished enough to make it into publication (including the New Yorker) so I think it's imperative that I move onto something else.

    ` Are there any monkeys/dolphins/chickens you know of that I could polish?

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  16. I'd work on your template(s), yo.

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Grow a pair.