Monday, July 16, 2007

Ahoy. Intestines Floating Ahead!

Anyone who lived with me in college, which is pretty much no one I talk to anymore and yes I do feel there is a correlation there, knows that little people scare me. Oh yes, midgets freak me out. I stare, I gawk, I get this sour stomach taste in my mouth like I'm about to puke, and then I have to find something else to occupy my eyes or I'll most likely go into convulsions from the over stimulation of all my disgusting censors.

Comes as no surprise that the blog I have to review today is gnomespeak, the blog of what appears to be an aspiring circus midget. Now, here's my issue with the blog thus far: what does a wannabe circus midget have to do with gnomes? The vertically challenged are dwarfs whereas gnomes are little mythical short old dudes, not to mention nothing says "awesome garden accessory" like a little gnome. Taking the cute little travelocity gnome [which I swear is a total rip-off of the gnome Amelie uses to convince her father to leave his home and see the world..err, well at least a rip-off of the idea of the whole traveling gnome thing] and putting him in the same category as the vertically challenged is just cruel! Is there gnome porn? Nope. I rest my case that they are mutually exclusively in the definition department.

The template sucks. Yea, I said it. There's no sugarcoating it. There's so much potential that comes with being an aspiring circus midget that I just expect more than plain old baby blue and white, and nothing else. Everything is really nice, organized, and simple, and I really like the whole "read more" gig she's got going on for longer posts, even though the javascript is fucked up and not working, but that's not enough to save this template. There are so many blogs out there that you need something to grab your reader, and all the things a good title used to do way back when now requires a little somethin' somethin' extra on the template front to signal to your reader that this isn't just another advertisement blog/porn blog/Spanish blog/Asian student who swears he's fluent in English blog/insert any other annoying type of blog here.

If I just stumbled onto this blog one day, I would quickly stumble elsewhere, which is a shame because I really like the content. She's funny, she calls herself Captain Steve, and who doesn't absolutely adore someone who references the movie Dodgeball in any way? She's also a Chuck Pahlaniuk Fan, so naturally, I want to dive into her muff and make a cozy home. I do have to wonder if there's something wrong with me because I really didn't find the particular passage where the guys internal organs are sucked out while he's enjoying pool suction on his bung hole that gross, or graphic. I'm kind of fucked in the head though.

She's a movie buff, she says the word "dude" like it's her job, and I'm willing to guess that she may be as tall as me and almost as cynical. Yea, she's the type of girl I'd willingly and openly be friends with.

I give her for the content. Unfortunately I couldn't read that much of it on account of the javascript error.

She also gets a for the template. I know you can do better.

I recommend she read, if she hasn't, Monica Drake's Clown Girl. I think she'll like it.

And, 'cause I still love these lil bitches, enjoy some dancing men:


  1. I fucking love you! I agree about the Amelie ripoff wholeheartedly, and I desperately need template help, I ain't gonna lie.

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Grow a pair.