Thursday, February 28, 2008

I’ve Written "Trouble" So Many Times That The Word Doesn’t Even Make Sense Anymore


I am the proud owner of a 1995 Ford Contour. It is in a shade of green only a grandmother with cataracts could love, it has doors that squeak like vermin caught in a mousetrap, and the "power" windows are misaligned to the point where every post-cigarette drive is accompanied by knee-steering because I need both hands to force the window into its proper position.

It is a beast, and, unquestionably, a hunk of junk. The kicker, though, is that it runs.

So, welcome to Trouble’s Island.

I swam over there last week with a knife in my teeth and was greeted by a god-awful header and a wall of imagery that all but screamed "dipshit"...or, more accurately, "boorish clod". Good thing I brought extra knives, I thought, because I was getting that “stabby” feeling, review-wise.

Then I read it, and kind of sat there, stunned.

It’s good.

Not drop-to-my-knees-with-tears-streaming-down-my-face good, but WAY better than it had any right to be, judging by the totality of crap on the sidebar. It’s excessively readable, effortlessly funny, and the only problem I see with this guy’s writing is that he doesn’t have anything to write about.

(Well, to be fair, and before Calamity rips my head off, he overuses ellipses to an irritating degree, but I can forgive him for that; it’s one thing to not know grammar, it’s another thing to punch a bunch of dots with one hand while giving the finger with the other.)

Here’s a post about snails: it’s fantastic in its minimalism, which is what makes the housing of these words so perplexing: how in the world can a man write about minutiae so well, but leave those thoughts in a template so ugly that I want to strangle it, just shake it until I see the life drain from its eyes? Lesser blogs have to gussy it up to embarrassing degrees because most of them can’t write so much as a thank-you note, but this Trouble dude doesn’t have that problem...thus, he has no excuse for that cartoon pissing on the dark blue header that almost disappears into the purple/black background. Hell, keep the cartoon, just ditch the colour scheme, for god’s sake, and the distracting shit on the sidebar. Minimize, my friend.

What I’m saying is that I’ll have to eventually get a car to replace my Ford Contour; Trouble just needs a new chassis.

Now, I might be going against the grain here with my endorsement of this blog, but as a fellow shaven-headed, tattoo-sporting smoker with a solid vocabulary and a penchant for egomania, I can’t exactly tell anyone that this blog sucks...I might as well be yelling at the mirror.



Best score I’ve ever given...and I’m blogrolling him. It must be, like, backwards day or something.

10 comments:

  1. My eyes!! My eyes!!!!!! Why on God's green earth would you know how to use ellipses and then just scoff at the rules of grammar. Look people, break the law. Get high. Steal from your neighbor. Hit people for no reason. I don't care. But abide by the basic laws of punctuation. Please? Pretty please? I mean, it's extra key strokes! Who wants those?

    Because those ellipses? They just shit all over your good writing.

    Sigh.

    I'm off my high horse. Nice blog, though, punctuation debacle aside.

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  2. I am not joking when I say that a woman getting angry over ellipses is fucking hot.

    Am I allowed to crush on co-workers?

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  3. Anything else would be verboten. ;)

    Crushing on us is REQUIRED.

    I like Trouble, even if I invented the term when he was just a young lad. ;)

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  4. Yes... hoT with a capital 'T'...

    Dear Mr. Nutjobber,

    Thank you most kindly for your review of my blog. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Your suggestions were [as the British say] "spot-on..."
    Were I the type of person to take suggestions, I surely would yours.
    Your, and your fellow reviewers' site is far better than those IT2M chicks, by leaps & bounds.
    I will 'wear' your award with pride, and link to you also, as soon as possible.

    Sincerely,

    Trouble.

    P.s. I am imagining calamity has a really hot ass... But, that if I was in a bar, I'd most likely hit-on bitter mistress... I'm just sayin'... Maybe I'll stalk them both...

    BTW, In defense of my gaudy template, I 'draw' all my own 'art-work', including my header, they're like my babies... Even ugly babies need to be taken outside sometime...

    Also... Why-come a chick who doesn't capitalize her name, gets so twisty-knickered about ellipsesitis [...it's a real condition, you know...] ... ...

    That said... Crush away my friend... Drunken groping at the X-mas party is okay too...

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  5. Ah, and stubborn too...LOVE this guy.

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  6. Wait, when don't I capitalize my name?

    You're right about my ass, though. It is astounding. Asstounding.

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  7. I am SO ANGRY that I didn't think of "asstounding" first.

    Son of a...

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  8. Something about the little pissing guy in his header made me happy.

    I can't explain it and frankly, I don't want to know. I'm sure it's just some deep rooted issue that only years of therapy would sort out.

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  9. [Calamity] Don't have an orgasm honey... Blogger does it [...or doesn't do it] for you, in your link on the "Leave a comment" page... It's not your fault, I was just poking a little fun at you [not the kind of fun I'd really like to poke at you] but 'fun' never-the-less...

    How about some picture-proof of this "asstounding" feature of yours?

    Okay, I'm gone now... Bye! [Trouble]

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  10. Trouble, aww, I'd let you buy me a drink, take you home, tie you up, and then go make a sandwich. Kisses. Great blog too!

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Grow a pair.