Friday, March 21, 2008

Mommy Blogs, Attack

So. Another mommy blog. Another STAY AT HOME Mommy blog.

What to do, what to do? Do I rip her to shreds or love her to pieces?

Let's take wagers, shall we?

Ah, I can't postpone the agony anymore...Are you ready for it?

Whenever I see another mommyblog in the queue, I sigh. I think about rocking mommyblogs we've had in the past, like Here in Idaho or Drunken Housewife. Then, I psych myself up to wade through another morass of boredom, because 9 times out of 10, mommyblogs hoover harder than a hooker on a deadline. [damn! alliteration!]

But not today, bitches. The Immoral Matriarch is what a mommy blog SHOULD be, if there have to be mommyblogs. This is the standard against which all other mommy blogs are measured, and against which 99.9% of them fall short. This blog, in short, rocks me like a hurricane. I'm in the midst of developing a major girl crush, here.

There are boobs! There is lactation! There is gratuitous use of the fuck word! There is multisyllabic writing! There is a woman with thoughts, and strong opinions, and a kick-ass FAQ! There is a fantabulous template! There is dark sarcasm and motherfucking HAIKU, bitches! There is a little too much shit in the sidebar, but after the week I've had, I'm so not in the mood to bitch about a few minor twinkly thingamajigs.

This is blogging, as it should be.

You know, mommybloggers of the world, they didn't remove your brain or your guts or your heart when they took the bun out of the oven. Nor did those organs, hopefully, stop functioning in some kind of frankensteinian chemical reaction to lactation. So, maybe, when you blog about the precociousness of your offspring, you could throw in some of the real shit (like Maria does), and thus, stop sucking.

That would be, like, fucking awesome, ya know.

Maria, I'm sorry to hear that your computer has broken right when I'm about to tell you that I fucking love you.

But I do. I fucking love you, and possibly, I want to have cute multi-ethnic babies with you. I'll even do all the lactating, bitch. ;) You're that awesome.

p.s. Dear readers, if you go there, please plan on spending an hour, minimum. Start with the prologue and work your way through the background before you even hit the posts. It's that good. You are going to want to get this chick drunk on cheap-ass wine and pillage through her brain before you're done...shouting vociferously about immunizations and breasticles all the while.


  1. I offered my lactating services to Maria WEEKS ago. You're too late.

    But you're dead-on about this one. I fucking love her, too.

  2. Yep - she kills it.

    If I was clever-er, something really, REALLY witty would be right here in place of this but, alas, 'twas not meant to be...

    Enjoy your weekend, motherfuckers!

    Ah, THERE'S the wit!

  3. I like it. And I'm subscribing through my reader. But I'm not really happy about that. Why? Because she's goddamn 23-years-old and she's more self-actualized and a better writer and fiercer than I was at that age (lo, these 10 years ago), or now, and it pisses me right the fuck off.


  4. Why does she have to be so fucking awesome.

    Makes me hate a bitch.



  5. God, alliteration is sexy and "mommyblogs hoover harder than a hooker on a deadline"? You're killing me!

    Dead on about this gal as well. Although I had to push through the anger when she talked about being 23 and old.

  6. I'd cry if I wasn't so gotdamn gangsta.

    Thank you. So much. :)

    And finally, I can now start commenting on your reviews without seeming like I'm sucking ass in order to influence my own.

  7. Maria is a bad ass and I adore her. I'm so glad that you gave her this stellar review so that others will go see her and can relish in her absolute fabulosity and originality.

  8. Another Maria fan chiming in! Love her and can't get enough of her blog....she should have her own TV show!

  9. Maria fucking rocks. AND I'm on a crusade to help her out! Her computer is dead. So dead it was smoking! She's desperately trying to save money to buy a new one! She's got a little donate button on her page. Help the bitch out and donate some change. $1, $5, $10... doesn't matter. Enough people donate, it'll add up! And Maria will be back to posting every day! Come on bitches!

  10. A *moronic* mommy blogger here, who was totally addicted as soon as I found Maria a couple of months ago. She's awesomely fierce, and I'm glad that your review reflects that.

    I fucking love her too.

  11. See, this really stinks. Cause when you like someone, and they're good, there's no controversy. Nothing to fight about. And mostly boring comments. (Even Nutjobber can't find anything clever to say.)

    Well except perhaps for Maggie offering lactating services. That's a bit of an image.

  12. If it helps, I was going to offer my own lactating services, but Maggie beat me to the punch.

  13. LMAO. That's even a better mental image than Maggie's.

    Scarier too.

  14. Actually, I find it easiest of all to visualize LARA offering lactating services since your boobies have received so much exposure. ;)

  15. LMAO Well I knew my blog would be good for SOMETHING!


Grow a pair.