Thursday, March 20, 2008

A Naked Bitch Is Worth 1000 Words

Charlotte Sometimes, guest reviewer here.

First, let's start off with a warning you can all ignore in true badass fashion. The blog I reviewed today is NSFW. Which is Not Safe For Work for those of you playing along at home. Or at work, I guess. Don't view it in front of your kiddos. You will be paying for endless amounts of therapy beyond what is now required for most booger-faced rugrats being raised out there. She has positioned a large disclaimer at the top calling it mild adult content.

I personally have a different definition of mild. Her definition of mild must resemble something along the lines of telling your grandmother to go fuck herself during the Sunday morning pancake feed held in the church gym after the local preacher wraps up the weekly sermon.

With that being said, you don't know me and I don't know you. While that lends a sort of lonely freedom, it certainly doesn't give me any credibility. Trust me you'll get over that and your life will be better for it. I will tell you a co-worker told me I was hateful the other day. Being that he nailed my best quality in one shared observation, my feelings on today’s blog should be no surprise.

When I was initially asked to do a review for Ask I damn near wet myself. It was like being asked to smoke on school property by that dangerous boy that wears eyeliner and sits in the back of the class. I didn't wet myself though, I crossed my legs and managed to maintain a small shred of dignity. That little tiny shred caved in on itself and blew away in the breeze the second I laid my eyes on 1000 Words. I don't think Naked Lara, as I like to call her, has ever crossed her legs.

Ever.

After the shock wore off, I climbed out of the fetal position and got down to business. Lara apparently likes to get down to business too. Hey, you can't hate the girl for it. What I can hate her for is making me repeatedly view shot after shot of her ass that bears not a trace of a stretch mark even though she claims in her About Me that her life mostly consists of carpooling, kid duties and typical housewife 'stuff' among other things. Other things being snapping interesting angles of her holiest of holies.

I'm not a housewife but I'm pretty damn sure it must be a tight schedule with all the personal grooming and excessive shower photo shoots between loads of laundry and cleaning up graham crackers off the floor. The funny thing is Lara isn't a housewife either. She's not bored or lonely. She works nearly full-time on top of all her dirty bird antics like being naked on the stove and the mothering of offspring.

I don't know about you but I'm not eating the mac and cheese at this broad's house.

Maybe that's just me. I have been known to be delusional. My obvious bitterness aside, her template is really just her, all naked and shit. Her header is butt ugly, there is a large and very necessary disclaimer, her side bar is full of your typical stupid shit and flashy, blinky, seizure-inducing things. However, she has impeccable taste in the blogs she chooses to read. At least, according to her blogroll, she does.

Right off the bat, I was entirely confused. The very first post I read was schizophrenic, seemingly dirty and I think you had to be there to understand it. Frankly, I'm glad I wasn't there.

Moving on because I just couldn't wade through that bullshit, her next post held some sort of promise by letting us know her ass hurts. Thanks for the news flash. Naked Lara goes on to say that we're pervs for thinking the obvious.

Right.

We're the pervs.

Self-awareness is more than knowing what your tenderoni looks like. Trust me. And I do know what mine looks like.

To be entirely honest I had a really hard time reading the posts but regardless of what I just said about self-awareness, Lara does have it. There were some almost clever moments. And really she can write. She punctuates better than I do and she can string her sentences together well. She's a responsible parent as witnessed here.

Naked Lara ends each post with a hug. I cringe inside and hope that she is dressed while she's hugging me, but still, the hug is nice. I'm all for naked hugging, just not from other people's mothers.

Thinking about it that sounds like I might like naked hugs from my mother and I don't. Not even that one time.

So let's recap because I have a short attention span that not even mommy smut can keep attentive. She's naked, she's a mother, her template makes me hurl and/or punch myself in my cute little face and she's human.

So what.

My real problem with 1000 Words is that the soft core porn shots and the majority of the content don't jive. They just don't go together. That might be what she's aiming for. I felt like she's saying she's a mom but she's a sex kitten too. Or maybe she just loves her own fur-cookie, I don't know. I don't really care either. I'm not hating on the naked. I just don't like to mix my naked with my momma bloggin' if you know what I mean. Not that she is a mommy blogger. She's a mom, she blogs, whatever. For the most part I was bored and the weird mix of my stomach turning from seeing her shave her love muffin and the yawn inducing slice of life posts left me feeling disoriented. And not the good kind of disoriented that 12-bottles of domestic gives me.

Half the blog appeals to grown men sitting in their mother's basement and the other to people who read kind of boring blogs. I just don't get it. Are you a naughty girl or a housewife? I demand that you choose. I'm not deep enough to think you could be both. I thought for a moment that her husband must be a happy man but then on second thought he probably would just like her to stay naked and shut up.

Anything that's hard for me to read at work doesn't work for me and my slacker tendencies and the posts didn't hold my interest. My best advice here is to clean up your template and think about creating a separate blog for your dirty, dirty ways. Anyone who is interested in what you write about would not be interested in your ill-na-nah.

Just saying.

Lara, you're all flash and no fire.

With that I have officially run out colorful descriptive terms for vaginas, twats and crotches. I don't hate June Cleaver on crack enough to give her the flaming finger and frankly, I think she'd like it. And I really don't fucking love her.

Once the shock value wore off I was left feeling slightly violated and less than entertained. I would give her a star or two for her writing but the weird duality she has going on just makes me say:

33 comments:

  1. I don't hate this blog, but damn, some of those pics were more revealing than I'd have imagined they would be.

    This pretty much goes over the top and into porn for me, and that's saying something. I don't hate porn, but meh.

    And, I definitely cannot look at it at work. That's also a measure for me.

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  2. "Fur cookie." Hah!

    I'm surprised, but my work gestapo actually let me view this site. Amazing! Because, hello, bush! And chocolate starfish!

    Ok, I like porn. I like naked. I read lots and lots of dirty blogs, some of them listed in her sidebar. But usually? The dirty pictures come with coordinating text. It's, like, accessorized. This woman? She's wearing leopard print and pastel plaid. It doesn't go.

    I want to like it, but it's off-putting. And frankly I'm a little confused now and need some alone time.

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  3. I'm just wondering how it is that MY site keeps getting blocked by IT departments and THIS shit is considered "mild"!?!

    You're naked. We get it.

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  4. Hah, I stumbled across her blog the other day when she left me a comment.

    She shocked me, shocked me.

    I slowly stepped away from my mouse and directed my husband to look for me.

    I want to like her and I kind of do. I don't get it but she seems real enough.

    I have no idea what her blog really says though.

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  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  6. I really enjoy reading the reviews on this blog, but not today. The review was way too long and didn't hold my attention. It was also difficult to read without an occasional comma. I'm surprised that Charlotte Never could get away with that on a reviewing site that picks apart grammar.

    Folks do not expect impeccable grammar on my blog, which is a good thing. But here? Well. I do.

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  7. Danie: Word.

    Charlotte did point out that Lara punctuates better than she does.

    At least we're comparing the punctuation and not the real problem with this whole mess.

    And you know what I mean.

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  8. Betsy, perhaps she did. If so, I hadn't read that far.

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  9. Thanks for the review.

    "I just don't get it. Are you a naughty girl or a housewife? I demand that you choose. I'm not deep enough to think you could be both."

    Then perhaps you really aren't deep enough? lol Actually I AM both and more. My comment post regarding your review will answer this, I think, if you choose to read it. Don't worry, I left off all the nakedness from it to spare you any surprises or discomfort, assuming you follow the direct link here.
    Blogging the succotash of life

    "What I can hate her for is making me repeatedly view shot after shot of her ass that bears not a trace of a stretch mark "

    Thank you. :)

    (For the record, zinc supplements during pregnancy prevent most stretch marks. What I have are small white lines on the upper thighs.)

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  10. Hilarious.

    Just hilarious.

    Here I am, trying to figure out a clever way to work "twat" into one of my reviews, and...well, let's just say I may have to take "twat" off the table; it may well have been overexposed at this point.

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  11. Hahahah Lara's got a great blog gig going on! Blog reviewers make me laugh!
    For all of you folks saying you can't look at it while you're at work, what the heck are ya doing surfing the internet at work? You're supposed to be working, that's what they pay you for....Your review is far too long and excuse me, an excuse to beat the puritan drum. The girl is nude, she has a disclaimer, if you don't like to see a little skin, move on. Lara's nude is a far cry from most of what is on the internet. As for her 'disjointedness' that's the beauty of the blog, what sets it apart from most of the garbage people are blogging about. Her pictures are self taken, did you even know that? Lara is the quintessential girl next door. Making cookies and posing nude on the washing machine. Think about it...she's probably showing us what many are thinking about as they go through the drudgery of life. I'm sorry, but if you ask me, and you didn't, but you did leave me a place to comment, I'd have to say you missed the mark on this one. But, the controversy you started may help you get some hits, look likes you could use some.
    I wonder if you will leave this or delete it, can you take a little criticism yourselves?
    I'm not going to leave my url, because I don't want you reviewing my blogs...thank you.

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  12. Hey, pay attention! We've been taking NOTHING but criticism lately.

    Just toss your complaint with the rest and be on your anonymous way...

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  13. "I'm not deep enough to think you could be both."

    You said it quite well there. You probably have a "No Diving" tattoo on your forehead, although, you probably won't get the joke.

    Most people in life like real people. Real people have families, and real people enjoy sex.

    Here's some real bad news for you - your mother had sex, too. Adolescent pea-brains will never get the MILF appeal.

    Now, if you are still reading, "mild adult content" means it has ADULT CONTENT. In your circles that may mean church gatherings, but to the rest of the world it means nudes, and not the museum fine art variety. MILD is telling you that the ADULT CONTENT is not hardcore sucking and fucking and ramming veggies up your ass if a dildo is not handy.

    I'm sorry if your mommy has sheltered your life to think babies come from the cabbage patch, but I repeat, your mother had sex and enjoyed it.

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  14. If she said it "quite well", why are you still fucking talking?

    You're opening your blowhole anonymously because you're afraid we're going to review your blog? Or was that the OTHER anonymous fuckwit spouting off?

    Either way, we don't review anybody who hasn't asked for it, and, for chrissakes, take some responsibility for your fucktardation - or, if it's more your speed, go back to crank-calling your high-school principal.

    At the VERY least try to be interesting when you comment; I know it's tough, but give it go - we'd ALL benefit from that.

    Trust me.

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  15. And thus, the old dudes looking at Lara's naked bodies from the computer in the basement of their mom's house chime in...

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  16. My favorite part of this whole ask for a review and bitch about the review process is how they again ask for it and then spend an excessive amount of time defending their shit.

    If you don't care what other people think and you're not going to take it constructively or your readers can't handle it, then don't ask for the shit.

    Seriously.

    Grow a set folks. And then take pictures of them and put them on your blog. THAT would be interesting.

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  17. Seriously. Some hairy balls would totally be an improvement.

    Who doesn't like some nice balls?

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  18. Know what's funny? Anonymous commenters with their panties in a wad making baseless accusations about our prudishness. I can't speak for anyone else, but I am obviously a cold fish for whom the naked human form holds no appeal. And sex is dirty. Ew.

    Hah!

    Because it couldn't possibly be the case that the juxtaposition of the text and images in this blog might be jarring. Because if we don't like something it must follow that we're stupid, sexless children who can't handle it when someone challenges norms.

    Yeah.

    As for this: "I'm not going to leave my url, because I don't want you reviewing my blogs...thank you." We don't just go around randomly selecting blogs to review. Although that might be fun. But no. She asked for it. See our blog title? Right up there at the top? That was your first clue.

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  19. I personally am well-known as a cold fish who despises sex and never has any exhibitionist tendencies at all.

    I, for one, would never post gratuitous nude shots of my body on my blog. I hate the human form, in fact.

    And moms should definitely be barefoot and in the kitchen. Please, moms, stop having sex. It's gross.

    *Snicker*

    And all y'all are a bunch of uptight prudes, fer realz.

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  20. All I'm saying is that there is a reason they stopped using real plot lines in pornos. We've learned a lot since the 70's.

    And obviously this place is chock ful o prudes.

    I think it should really be the new title.

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  21. Yep. I requested the review, and I got it. Of course some of the comments sting to read, but I've heard far worse. And it's really not worth arguing about.

    I do find it funny that the same girls who are horrified by my pics are asking for guy parts pics! A little inconsistency there? LOL

    I have only one other comment to add... I'd email it privately, but don't know an address to use, so it goes here:

    Betsey, I did visit your blog, but you commented (fairly nicely, I might add) on my blog before I ever left a note on yours. You apparently had followed me back to mine via your stats page or something. If I comment on non-adult content blogs, I do NOT use this blogger name because I know that some people would be bothered by it.

    Your comment led me to believe that it was ok to visit and comment on your blog. In the future you might consider that your comment on another blog does send a message. I'm sorry if I misread that, as you apparently are far more horrified by my blog than you let on. I won't bother you any more, if that is your preference.

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  22. Oops I see you just posted while I was typing that, Betsey. I'm really not getting which side you're on! I like your blog. Really. Just let me know if you are ok with me linking and visiting/commenting. K?

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  23. Lara, just a sidenote from me: My snark is directed at the anonymous commenter who got all twisted up, not you. I actually kinda like your blog, though I do find the pics a bit jarring against the content.

    And if you read between the lines about averted eyes, there are some complimentary things that have been said. It's just... conflicted. And people like to glom on to our negativity, which is understandable.

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  24. Sorry, were y'all saying something? Did you see that hot naked chick?!?

    Yeah, kind of couldn't pay attention to what she was writing because her ass was in my face...

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  25. Sweet Christ on crack.

    I honestly do not know what I would do all day without the Ask and Ye Shall Receive comment section. I just want to thank you all, every single one of you, for this daily bliss.

    You complete me.

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  26. I do find it funny that the same girls who are horrified by my pics are asking for guy parts pics! A little inconsistency there? LOL

    I don't mind all of the pics, in fact, I've been aware of this blog for a while. However, some of the more recent shots, from below, shooting upward, are a little too much...as Booty said...ass in the face, for my preferences.

    I'm not a prude, I've had nekkie shots on my personal blog before, but mine lacked such close exposure and full disclosure.

    I'm not a big fan of between the legs shots on the average blog I read, though I do love me some boobies.

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  27. And, all of us are complete and utter whores...of the comment variety, at least, so of course we want you to visit and comment.

    Your pervy basement readers are a meh for me.

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  28. Yeah, love_bites, I may have been a bit less subtle at times lately... kinda goes with my moods. Might have to watch that a little, because honestly, I want to keep the blog more on the tame side. So thanks for pointing that out. The "basement reader" types don't mind, but they aren't the audience I prefer to cultivate either! LOL

    And yes Calamity, I did notice a few complimentary things buried here & there.

    Really the complaints that bugged me the most were regarding the template. I really love my template... I worked hard to put it together cause I really don't know shit about CSS programming, and I get a lot of compliments on it. I have never seen it as anything that would make anyone want to "hurl and/or punch myself in my cute little face". And I DESPISE blinky things, but because of her complaints, I did get rid of my few button or photo-links that I had buried way at the bottom of the sidebar so they'd be mostly out of view.

    One other thing I wanted to ask though, based on a few quotes from the review...

    "the yawn inducing slice of life posts"
    "the other to people who read kind of boring blogs"
    "I would give her a star or two for her writing "
    "And really she can write. She punctuates better than I do and she can string her sentences together well."

    I'm still trying to figure out if she's saying she did or didn't like the writing. Because I have been doing some thinking about how I could rework things a bit... not get rid of what I like about it, but perhaps make it a bit more palatable for others. But my decision somewhat depends on the above. Is the writing good enough to be worth making the effort? Cause if they're really that boring, why bother?

    And dammit, I removed the "comment whore" button from my blog. You mean that was ok? Cause shit, I don't think I have it saved. And I'm all about comment-whoring!

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  29. Sweetie, we are the original comment whores.

    Here is my feedback on the writing (for what it's worth...with this, and a dollah, you can buy yourself a cuppa)...

    I like some of the posts. And, as a 42-year-old mama, I get the sexy/mommy dichotomy. In my mind, it doesn't exist. I am no less of a sexual being as a mom than I was before I was married. In fact, my sex life these days is actually a hellalot better. (wink at Calamity who knows this in real life)

    But, I prefer the more understated pics like the ones today (leg and stockings) the up the ass photos which leave me a little shell-shocked.

    I hated the IM post, it was impossible to keep straight and way too long. I thought your explanation of why you do what you do was a great post. I totally "get" it. You just have to not let the pervs drive the direction of your blog. You maintain your YOU-ness. And if shots up the ass are YOU, then by all means, don't let our critique keep you from your dreams.

    But, I know how an audience can change a blog...

    And to some degree, I almost feel like what you do has become driven by your readers, rather than you driving the blog.

    If you don't know what I'm talking about, or I'm fullacrap, then feel free to ignore. Just, think about what the goal of each post is, and try to zero in on one solid thought each time. Make sure you circle round at the end to where you started off so there is some feeling of completion.

    And, as we've said before, edit, edit, edit. A lot of your posts have far too many words. They lose me about midway through.

    I'm not a hater, in fact, I could be a fan, but you're a little outside of my parameters. That's not a bad thing per se, it takes all types to make the world go round. You just have to figure out who you are, and what you want that blog to be. It is a little scattered right now. I think doing a post AND a picture every time, or at least posting SOMETHING to explain the pic might also help. And by explanation, I don't necessarily mean something titillating.

    When we open ourselves up through visual, sometimes it helps to tell the reader/viewer what we're thinking, why we like the pic, why we took it...

    Just some very rambling thoughts, my dear. HOpe they help.

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  30. Thanks :) Gives me more to think on. No need to be a fan, just glad you're not a total hater! LOL

    As for the rambling posts... yeah I know. Most days I pound out a post in about 3 minutes or less so I can get on my way to work. I need to learn to work ahead a little... keep some in draft mode for those days when I really don't have the time.

    What you called the "IM" posts are really an acquired taste. I get very few comments on them... my average readers hate them I think... but my friends (those who know me in real life or at least online friends who know me really well) absolutely LOVE them. They think the way I dissect myself into 3 or 4 parts and converse with myself is hysterical.

    So catching one of those on review day was just really sucky timing because there is no way it could make sense to anyone who isn't a regular reader... it barely makes sense to my readers!

    Appreciate the additional feedback much!

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  31. Ah, Maggie, love, darlin' maggie, you are the jelly on our toast, the cream cheese between the two round halves of our bagels.

    Or something like that, only dirtier.

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  32. I find the site strangely mesmerizing. But then, 'strangely' is my middle name, so who am I to judge? No, really. I'm named for my uncle.

    What site were we talking about again?

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  33. Nice stuff going on here :) . You should check out the webtv at Television X. Lots of hardcore content and Lucy Pinder is now hosting programs! To complement Lucy’s presenting shows: Sammie Pennington is being introduced as the new face/body of TvX. Double Bonus!

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Grow a pair.