Genital Hospital

WARNING: TODAY'S BLOG HAS ADULT CONTENT. BEFORE YOU CLICK THIS LINK, YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT THIS BLOG HAS CONTENT THAT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR ANYONE WHO:

1) Is under 18.
2) Is Working.
3) Thinks they will be working anytime soon.
4) Has a weak stomach.
5) Worries about making baby Jesus cry.
6) Has genital phobias.
7) Doesn't want to GET a genital phobia.
8) Is nauseated by naked saggy tits.
9) Is regularly offended by Key's/DPH's blorgy.
10) Ever wants to eat kielbasas again.

Charlotte Sometimes, guest reviewer here.

I think we all know who assigns the blogs to be reviewed around here. And, though I love her, I think she has it out for my prudish ass. You see, I’ve only reviewed a few times but somehow I get the naked bitches. And while Nurse Myra isn’t necessarily naked, her blog is as scholastically disturbing as seeing my corseted Algebra teacher giving the Chemistry professor a reach around. My brain is trying to process things it just wants to reject.

My first mistake when starting my review of this pit of deviance was actually reading the ‘About’ page. Evidently, it has little do with the actual blog. Nurse Myra states that she lost her lover to cancer and has a gay son. Naively, I imagined that I was digging into a meaty blog that would bring both laughter and tears into my blog reviewing days to come.

Not fucking likely. Oh there is plenty of meat on this blog, some of it even shocking and fucking creepy. But, there is little reference to the deceased lover and their journey through the cancer battle. The gay son was mentioned when I journeyed back to the blog’s early days and then something changed. Nurse Myra became a schlong monger. Maybe she always was one. I don’t know. I don’t care.

I’m not going to lie to you about anything, except my virginity. I only spent about an hour perusing this blog and then I realized that my stomach hurt and giving vaginal birth to an Audi seemed more enticing than continuing. Furthermore, I’m such a dolt I had to look up the definition of gimcrack and even after I did I wasn’t amused. Showy indeed.

Nurse Myra talks about herself in bloody third person, which is so pompous and grating that I would rather yank out my own breast implants with rusty salad tongs than to keep reading this freakish, cut and paste collage of perversity. And, don’t get me wrong here. Some of my very favorite people are perverts.

I’m going to skip any template advice and suggest that perhaps a course in marketing might be necessary. What you are selling is not what you advertise. I realize there is a place out there for sex blogs that read like college level textbooks. There is, right?

Now that I hate myself for having to spew forth this much venom, it’s time for a rating:



Basically, what I’m saying here is that I want to kick her in the genitals and ask for the big chunk of my life back that her fucked up blog stole from me.

Lizza, Please

Hey kids, Charlotte Sometimes, guest reviewer here. Let’s get started with a little bedtime story.

One day I was sitting on top of the world, feeling a little too good about myself so I decided to submit my blog to be reviewed by this very site that you are reading right now. The luck of the draw put my sweet, little, pink blog into the hands of Love Bites to be chewed up and spat out. At the end of the ass-whipping that was my review, I was bruised and bloodied but I limped away knowing one, very important thing. I needed to learn how to edit my shit. I took that criticism to heart and turned that mother out.

Our blogger today needs to learn that same lesson. So with that in mind, let’s turn this mother out and start the spanking.

With the title of ‘I Am Woman, See Me Blog’ dashing all my dreams of awesome things to come, I hesitantly ventured into the ‘About Me’ section and read her profile. What I saw there sent my hopes careening back to me. Excitedly, I read about how she is a beer-loving woman in her mid-30’s living in the Philippines. She loves beer. I love beer. She’s in her 30’s. I’m in my 30’s. She lives in the Philippines. I live in the Mid-West. Well fanfuckingtastic but don’t wet your shorts just yet.

One thing life has taught me is that hope is a fickle bitch. I tried like hell to connect with this woman and I just couldn’t do it. There was absolutely nothing that made my no-no parts tingle here. I have three basic issues with Lizza’s blog: template, title and content. Nothing major, right?

Babe, your template blows. Seriously, I’ve seen this template before. It sucked then and it still sucks now. Ditch it for something cleaner that says something more about you, because frankly, your title doesn’t cut the mustard on that front either. We’re looking at more of a “cuts the cheese” type scenario.

Yeah that’s right. I compared it to a fart.

Darling, surely you are aware that using the word “blog” in the title is a big, “oh no you didn’t” around here. Your title tells your potential reader nothing more than you have a vagina and a keyboard. So do I. No one cares.

Lizza has a writer’s spirit but what she is lacking is an editor’s eye. Her sentences are creatively and artistically woven together with a rhythm that is comfortable. She loves poetry and it shows. What she’s missing is the point and a little soul. Don’t get me wrong - it’s there. It’s just not always there.

Rambly Meanderton does just that. She meanders and rambles on. If I were her, I would be more rad. But more importantly, I would go back after I typed my post and start cutting out the unnecessary fluff and bullshit. You’re wasting your words and your reader’s time. Your posts should be concise with a clear beginning, middle and end.

I’m giving you two stars for your writing because I don’t hate you.



However, I am giving you a flaming finger for making me wade through the fucking meme’s and ‘what kind of fruit are you’ generators.

A Naked Bitch Is Worth 1000 Words

Charlotte Sometimes, guest reviewer here.

First, let's start off with a warning you can all ignore in true badass fashion. The blog I reviewed today is NSFW. Which is Not Safe For Work for those of you playing along at home. Or at work, I guess. Don't view it in front of your kiddos. You will be paying for endless amounts of therapy beyond what is now required for most booger-faced rugrats being raised out there. She has positioned a large disclaimer at the top calling it mild adult content.

I personally have a different definition of mild. Her definition of mild must resemble something along the lines of telling your grandmother to go fuck herself during the Sunday morning pancake feed held in the church gym after the local preacher wraps up the weekly sermon.

With that being said, you don't know me and I don't know you. While that lends a sort of lonely freedom, it certainly doesn't give me any credibility. Trust me you'll get over that and your life will be better for it. I will tell you a co-worker told me I was hateful the other day. Being that he nailed my best quality in one shared observation, my feelings on today’s blog should be no surprise.

When I was initially asked to do a review for Ask I damn near wet myself. It was like being asked to smoke on school property by that dangerous boy that wears eyeliner and sits in the back of the class. I didn't wet myself though, I crossed my legs and managed to maintain a small shred of dignity. That little tiny shred caved in on itself and blew away in the breeze the second I laid my eyes on 1000 Words. I don't think Naked Lara, as I like to call her, has ever crossed her legs.

Ever.

After the shock wore off, I climbed out of the fetal position and got down to business. Lara apparently likes to get down to business too. Hey, you can't hate the girl for it. What I can hate her for is making me repeatedly view shot after shot of her ass that bears not a trace of a stretch mark even though she claims in her About Me that her life mostly consists of carpooling, kid duties and typical housewife 'stuff' among other things. Other things being snapping interesting angles of her holiest of holies.

I'm not a housewife but I'm pretty damn sure it must be a tight schedule with all the personal grooming and excessive shower photo shoots between loads of laundry and cleaning up graham crackers off the floor. The funny thing is Lara isn't a housewife either. She's not bored or lonely. She works nearly full-time on top of all her dirty bird antics like being naked on the stove and the mothering of offspring.

I don't know about you but I'm not eating the mac and cheese at this broad's house.

Maybe that's just me. I have been known to be delusional. My obvious bitterness aside, her template is really just her, all naked and shit. Her header is butt ugly, there is a large and very necessary disclaimer, her side bar is full of your typical stupid shit and flashy, blinky, seizure-inducing things. However, she has impeccable taste in the blogs she chooses to read. At least, according to her blogroll, she does.

Right off the bat, I was entirely confused. The very first post I read was schizophrenic, seemingly dirty and I think you had to be there to understand it. Frankly, I'm glad I wasn't there.

Moving on because I just couldn't wade through that bullshit, her next post held some sort of promise by letting us know her ass hurts. Thanks for the news flash. Naked Lara goes on to say that we're pervs for thinking the obvious.

Right.

We're the pervs.

Self-awareness is more than knowing what your tenderoni looks like. Trust me. And I do know what mine looks like.

To be entirely honest I had a really hard time reading the posts but regardless of what I just said about self-awareness, Lara does have it. There were some almost clever moments. And really she can write. She punctuates better than I do and she can string her sentences together well. She's a responsible parent as witnessed here.

Naked Lara ends each post with a hug. I cringe inside and hope that she is dressed while she's hugging me, but still, the hug is nice. I'm all for naked hugging, just not from other people's mothers.

Thinking about it that sounds like I might like naked hugs from my mother and I don't. Not even that one time.

So let's recap because I have a short attention span that not even mommy smut can keep attentive. She's naked, she's a mother, her template makes me hurl and/or punch myself in my cute little face and she's human.

So what.

My real problem with 1000 Words is that the soft core porn shots and the majority of the content don't jive. They just don't go together. That might be what she's aiming for. I felt like she's saying she's a mom but she's a sex kitten too. Or maybe she just loves her own fur-cookie, I don't know. I don't really care either. I'm not hating on the naked. I just don't like to mix my naked with my momma bloggin' if you know what I mean. Not that she is a mommy blogger. She's a mom, she blogs, whatever. For the most part I was bored and the weird mix of my stomach turning from seeing her shave her love muffin and the yawn inducing slice of life posts left me feeling disoriented. And not the good kind of disoriented that 12-bottles of domestic gives me.

Half the blog appeals to grown men sitting in their mother's basement and the other to people who read kind of boring blogs. I just don't get it. Are you a naughty girl or a housewife? I demand that you choose. I'm not deep enough to think you could be both. I thought for a moment that her husband must be a happy man but then on second thought he probably would just like her to stay naked and shut up.

Anything that's hard for me to read at work doesn't work for me and my slacker tendencies and the posts didn't hold my interest. My best advice here is to clean up your template and think about creating a separate blog for your dirty, dirty ways. Anyone who is interested in what you write about would not be interested in your ill-na-nah.

Just saying.

Lara, you're all flash and no fire.

With that I have officially run out colorful descriptive terms for vaginas, twats and crotches. I don't hate June Cleaver on crack enough to give her the flaming finger and frankly, I think she'd like it. And I really don't fucking love her.

Once the shock value wore off I was left feeling slightly violated and less than entertained. I would give her a star or two for her writing but the weird duality she has going on just makes me say: