Lizza, Please

Hey kids, Charlotte Sometimes, guest reviewer here. Let’s get started with a little bedtime story.

One day I was sitting on top of the world, feeling a little too good about myself so I decided to submit my blog to be reviewed by this very site that you are reading right now. The luck of the draw put my sweet, little, pink blog into the hands of Love Bites to be chewed up and spat out. At the end of the ass-whipping that was my review, I was bruised and bloodied but I limped away knowing one, very important thing. I needed to learn how to edit my shit. I took that criticism to heart and turned that mother out.

Our blogger today needs to learn that same lesson. So with that in mind, let’s turn this mother out and start the spanking.

With the title of ‘I Am Woman, See Me Blog’ dashing all my dreams of awesome things to come, I hesitantly ventured into the ‘About Me’ section and read her profile. What I saw there sent my hopes careening back to me. Excitedly, I read about how she is a beer-loving woman in her mid-30’s living in the Philippines. She loves beer. I love beer. She’s in her 30’s. I’m in my 30’s. She lives in the Philippines. I live in the Mid-West. Well fanfuckingtastic but don’t wet your shorts just yet.

One thing life has taught me is that hope is a fickle bitch. I tried like hell to connect with this woman and I just couldn’t do it. There was absolutely nothing that made my no-no parts tingle here. I have three basic issues with Lizza’s blog: template, title and content. Nothing major, right?

Babe, your template blows. Seriously, I’ve seen this template before. It sucked then and it still sucks now. Ditch it for something cleaner that says something more about you, because frankly, your title doesn’t cut the mustard on that front either. We’re looking at more of a “cuts the cheese” type scenario.

Yeah that’s right. I compared it to a fart.

Darling, surely you are aware that using the word “blog” in the title is a big, “oh no you didn’t” around here. Your title tells your potential reader nothing more than you have a vagina and a keyboard. So do I. No one cares.

Lizza has a writer’s spirit but what she is lacking is an editor’s eye. Her sentences are creatively and artistically woven together with a rhythm that is comfortable. She loves poetry and it shows. What she’s missing is the point and a little soul. Don’t get me wrong - it’s there. It’s just not always there.

Rambly Meanderton does just that. She meanders and rambles on. If I were her, I would be more rad. But more importantly, I would go back after I typed my post and start cutting out the unnecessary fluff and bullshit. You’re wasting your words and your reader’s time. Your posts should be concise with a clear beginning, middle and end.

I’m giving you two stars for your writing because I don’t hate you.



However, I am giving you a flaming finger for making me wade through the fucking meme’s and ‘what kind of fruit are you’ generators.