Wednesday, April 30, 2008

You Ain't Been Funny In a Coon's Age

Keywork, here again, reviewing another blog for the people at Ask.

Well, there's things I know, and there are other things I don't know. I know this, Redneck Bar and Grill is not the worst blog I have ever read. Look, fellas, don't get all excited to the point of drinking lighter fluid, that wasn't meant as a compliment. While Redneck wasn't the worst, it's on my list of 'Blogs I Won't Read Again'. See, as an American, I am slightly more accustomed to a different brand of redneck. Not to say y'all ain't rednecks, I'm sure you are. Things are just different in Canada I guess.

Ok, the blog. Simple enough, easy to navigate, no widgets! Y'all musta known I'sa comin. I hate me some widgets. Really. I didn't really find anything to dislike as far as your template goes. So you get points for that. Unfortunately, I found the content to be simple as well. Look, you guys make beer, and I have great memories with beer. So it's hard for me to tell you this: if you brew the same way you blog, you guys are fucked. Apparently, you don't, from what I've read, so kudos. But, what I'm saying, in short, is stick to brewing. You know the type of humor that is appreciated at Ask, you knew before you submitted. What in the name of hockey were you guys thinking? Tim, Ernie, you guys need to tell us who's writing what. I don't know who to direct my verbal katanas (that's the ninja sword word you were looking for) at, so you're both going to hear it. Remember, I'm trying to wake you guys up, so take this shit to heart. One of you is funny. I don't know which one, but whoever wrote this, you have your moments. I'm guessing you would be the same fella that wrote this, please correct me if I'm wrong. Here was the high point, I really thought this was funny enough to italicize:

'This stuff isn't rocket surgery'

I enjoyed your observations and you showed hints of hilarity. I enjoyed the information on DIY Hydrogen Generators. There's your positives.

Let's glance at some things you should never do again.

1. The Ninja Post. This is what we call literary suicide. Never, ever, ever, ever, claim to be a 'pretty good' writer. Don't fucking do that. Let someone else tell you that. Believe me, if you're not a good writer, someone like myself will call you on that shit. Humility: please have some.

2. Bird Squeezing. One of you missed out on a great opportunity to really entertain the masses. Jesus, if you ever feel the need to post something this bland again, send me an email. I will tell you not to.

3. Have unprotected sex. Not that you have, I just felt like it needed to be said.

So, Rednecks, I must tell you this: grab another Blue Beaver, build some generators, and don't post again unless you're reaalllly fucking drunk. Spelling errors are funny. I don't really have a star rating for you, and I can't toss a flaming finger your way, it wasn't all bad. Hey, Love, give these guys one of those 'meh' things. Yeah.

36 comments:

  1. Is it just me, or do most canadians, besides Jobber, lack the humor gene? Y'all just aren't funny.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think lots of Canadians are funny: Dan Aykroyd, Eugene Levy, John Candy, Dave Foley, Phil Hartman, Tommy Chong. I even love Martin Short. And what's not to like about Strange Brew?

    But this I found only moderately amusing. I do like that one of the guys watches Firefly, though. Is that pitiful? Yes. Yes it is.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Okay, Jobber and Driz are funny. And I liked Bob & Doug McKenzie. Other than that, though, Canada seems like a big snowy absence of humor.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The south, now. The south is funny.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was praying I wouldn't be the only one to not like this blog. It isn't that it's bad writing to me. It just seems like I've read it before.

    I hate blogs with two sidebars. Even without widgets, it's just too busy. The posts seem too busy, as well. Too random and much like a bad Bill & Ted impersonation or something.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hate Rush.

    There. I said it.

    But I love Bob and Doug McKenzie, so you can imagine my struggle whenever I hear the theme song for "Great White North."

    ps: What the hell is bird squeezing?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Maybe it's like turd squeezing? No?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love Rush.

    Anyone who doesn't is a regressive whore.

    Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Really, come on. I prefer useless cunt.

    But you can like Rush all you want, you don't know any better. You're old.

    I'll bet bird squeezing sounds a lot like Geddy Lee.

    ReplyDelete
  10. My cunt has been pretty useless this week, which might explain my hostility.

    I am old. Thus, my taste in music is better than yours, grasshopper.

    Bird squeezing actually sounds a lot like the All American Rejects. And a dozen other crappy emo bands.

    Not that anyone has squeezed my bird since April 17, that is. Dammit.

    p.s. Prada-wearing slut.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey, thanks for the words! I think...
    I was kinda blindsided by this one. I guess Ernie asked for a review!?! News to me. It's sorta like your spouse signing you up for a gangbang party with ex convicts and neglectng to tell you.
    Good point about our names on who wrote what. When I changed templates last I screwed that one up, simple fix though.
    Well, you'll have to excuse me while I go commit suicide by having tons of unprotected sex.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Well, I guess I did ask for it. Deep inside (wayyy deep inside) I do appreciate your constructive criticisms. I should like to point out one thing in my own defense. When one is being forced to write at katana point, one will try to psyche oneself up by telling oneself, "I'm a pretty good writer" even if the reality may be subjective. As "Weird Al" pointed out in "Canadian Idiot", if you punch one of us in the face we'll say we're sorry. So; I'm sorry you did not enjoy your time spent at The Redneck Bar & Grill, but I'll toast you with a Blue Beaver Beer anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Actually, bird squeezing sounds more like James Blunt with his balls in a vice (which is all the time, I reckon)....

    I'm with ya, Bites, when it comes to Rush!
    Viva Xanadu...

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm rather proud of Ernie and Tim for taking it like men. That speaks well for the manliness of Canadians.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Love Bites, that's what I thought until I went over and read their response on the blog! Not only are they crying about it, but they have one guy "threatening" to turn this blog into blogspot for TOS violations! Not to mention they're very offended you think Canadians aren't funny.

    And to think I was gonna compliment them and tell them their responses here was actually funny.

    Can you see me rolling my eyes?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Though these guys aren't funny, and that "ninja"-thing was one of the most hack pieces of bullshit I've ever seen written, y'all are forgetting the funniest Canadian of them all: Celine Dion.

    Fucking HILARIOUS, Celine is.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Actually, Tim and Ernie were pretty okay, aside from a little Canuckistanian whinging about how Canadians are too funny.

    this dude is a total wanker, though.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I was gonna try to say something funny here. But the ninjas stole my sense of humor. And I'm not even canadian.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I know. I hate the meh blogs, they aren't even very fun to riff off of.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I now know that it is Tim who is the funnier of the two. Ernie is apparently the 'emotional' one. I think that's sweet. No, I don't.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Well, there needs to be an emotional one in every couple. That's how love is. I bet you're the emotional one, too, key. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  22. You guys take everything so serious....
    Let me assure you, I don't take myself very seriously at all. Yeah a part of me is annoyed about being reviewed in the first place. But, how can I be offended if you don't think something or someone is funny? I bet a lot of things you guys think are funny, isn't to me.
    My posted response to your review was me lifting a smile to the sky, even though it's raining dog crap. It's just like watching a guy who got a little smack in the nuts try to walk without a limp. And yeah, I know you went easy on us so far. I read a couple other reviews.
    And now, I gotta go comfort my "emotional half."

    ReplyDelete
  23. For the record, we don't take ANYTHING seriously, least of all, ourselves.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I take Jesus seriously.

    You should too, you fucking heathens.

    I send you out as sheep among the sheep.

    ~ Driz

    ReplyDelete
  25. If Jesus were hardcore, and not some emo poser, I might take him seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Some Canadians are funny. See: Tim and Ernie, and Canucklehead (at Canucklehead.ca).

    Also, I'm the one who started the whole bird-squeezing craze:

    http://idothings.info/i-am-famous-and-more-so-you-dont-have-to-be/

    See number 3. And beware: There are widgets and two sidebars.

    JD at I Do Things

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh, JD, I'm already aware of your blog and eagerly anticipating your review.

    ReplyDelete
  28. (laughs nervously) Did you get the flowers I sent you? And the candy? And the money?

    JD at I Do Things

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hardcore Jesus demands your respect.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Indeed. Emo Jesus is just a poser.

    Dear future victim:

    I'm unswayed by flowers. Just try not to suck.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Brown-nosing will only get you a dirty nose around here.

    ReplyDelete
  32. The South is HILARIOUS.

    I ought to know.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I can now see how nutjobber got his name. Apparently he likes to peek in people's windows early in the morning. He said he saw me write my post. I'm am troubled by what else he might have watched me do. I was intending to mention this sooner, but I been busy putting up heavy dark curtains over all my windows.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.