Monday, March 24, 2008

Oh. My. GOD.


"No more Mr. Nice Nutjobber regarding blog-poetry. Henceforth, I will murder blog-poetry the same way that this blog murdered my afternoon."
-Me, January 31st 2008

Here’s what one is immediately confronted with when they visit Many Colored Rainbow:

"Emotions--My Waste-Paper Basket of Emotions"

I’d be stabbing myself in the neck with a chimney-poker if I wrote those words in my head and didn’t immediately delete them. Then, under that delightful header it says, in part: "b4 whenever i used 2 write something i used 2 throw it in the waste-paper basket, nowadays i blog it".

I tried to ignore the amazingly-distracting butterfly-cursor while coming to the unfortunate conclusion that these people submitted what would have been trash in their garbage can to be reviewed? Well, that makes this job a lot easier, doesn’t it?

There are other things, too, that make today’s review a piece of cake: the hypnotic butterfly-pattern background as an accompaniment to the butterfly-cursor that makes me wonder how they could have stopped teaching the word "redundancy" in schools; the contrivance of a time-stamp detailing exactly when "a rainbow appears" on the site and how many leprechauns I’m going to have to maim to get them to knock it off; and, of course, the poetry...

There was a comment earlier in the "and, on deck" post about this Many Colored Rainbow, and they stated that it was "admirable poetry". I beg to differ, and I do so hardily: this isn’t "admirable" poetry at all, but rather angst with an oft-forced rhyme-scheme; the effort I’m putting into reading all of this tripe could more accurately be considered "admirable". "Life" rhymes with "strife" - I understand. But I’ll bet, if you look really closely, you can find something else to rhyme with "life", as well as some other way to convey your emotional/metaphorical/completely melodramatic "strife".

Look, imagine you took your child to a farm and they started asking questions in regards to the gigantic, steaming pile of hog-waste centrally-located in the pig-pen: would you tell them that it’s "pig-poop", or would you tell them it’s hardened, coiled chocolate-fondue so that you needn’t deal with the unpleasantness of pig-excrement?

You’d tell ‘em it’s pig-shit because shit’s shit, and pretending it’s dessert is unhealthy for everybody.

This, friends, is pig shit. My constructive criticism, because so many people have been taking our FAQ-answers so absolutely literally, is twofold:

One - stop it. Seriously.

Two - it looks as though ol’ Nutjobber’s getting any poetry-blog that comes our way, so think twice about submitting your poetrocities while I’m still being relatively nice about this.



Two authors, two fingers - never let it be said that I don’t enjoy symmetry...

24 comments:

  1. Heh. What I'm really looking forward to is the review for 'George is Write'.

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  2. Hmmm. I really have difficulty taking any overly-pretentious, angst-filled poetry seriously when it is written with text-message spelling. I'm not going to bother reading anyone who can't be bothered to spell out "you".

    The most interesting thing on the blog in my opinion was that little boy/girl mental discussion buried in the "blinkies" section at the bottom of the sidebar.

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  3. We've had some fairly good poetry before, but that is some wrist-slitting emo shit right there, with a mind-hurting fugly template from hell.

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  4. The title? Jesus. Because there are rainbows without many colors? Someone got ahold of a purple pen and decided never, ever to let it go.

    The first post I see has to do with being flogged. Appropriate much?

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  5. Side note: heartily, not hardily.

    I'm sorry. I can't help it.

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  6. That is some brutally painful stuff right there. I'm not a big fan of the "Blog-as-the-window-to-my-tortured-artist-soul" thing, and this is a hearty reminder of why. Ouch. My head hurts. I see butterflys everywhere.

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  7. "Heartily" would’ve indicated "cordiality",an implicit niceness, while "hardily" had the "brazen, audacious" qualities I was looking for in my word of disagreement.

    I tried both, and "hardily" won out.

    I think I do it on purpose, setting myself up for conflict over proper word-usage - my dad’s an editor as well, and I’ve been arguing over wordplay for the entirety of my natural life.

    You’d think I’d be more inclined to pick the "right" word, wouldn’t you? Nuh-uh; I prefer to have the argument.

    Also, Calamity? Editing is fucking HOT.

    (Said, of course, without any irony whatsoever - you know this, my dear)

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  8. Oh, word choice. I struggle, too. I like your explanation, though.

    Signed, Her Royal Hotness, Editrix.

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  9. God, if I could build a time machine, I would go back to 1894 and smother the infant E.E. Cummings in his crib. Imagine, a century free of crappy lower case poetry from adolescent girls. People that use "2" for to and "b4" for before deserve the same Cummings fantasy fate.

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  10. yeah, it was pretty bad poetry, and the text-script wasn't kicking it UP a notch.
    I like butterflies, but wow - some serious overkill, eh wot?

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  11. I couldn't agree more, Professor; in fact, I'm very much a proponent of more infanticide-talk on our site, ESPECIALLY that of a time-traveling nature.

    Why doesn't anyone use these forums for talk of baby-killing any more, like we did back in the old days?

    ...what do you MEAN nobody did that in the old days?

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  12. I must be doing something wrong. I applied to have my blog reviewed a while ago but still nothing.

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  13. Denise, we've never received a request to review Cameron's Corner.

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  14. I admit it.
    It was me.

    I was the one that termed it "admirable poetry."
    But that's why I don't review sites. (especially at 1 a.m.)- I read the reviews you guys write.

    I think I used the word admirable because she posted her poetry to her blog, showing it to the whole world. I'm not sure.
    Maybe it was the cocktail I had.
    Maybe I was just being kind.
    (I'm not so good at being harsh.)
    Who knows.
    But I admit it!

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  15. I was going to use your name, Lori, but it kinda felt like I was calling you out, which is totally not cool...unless I was trying to start some, like, intergalatic blog-comment-war.

    Hey; what IF?

    Yeah! We could yell super science-fictiony catch-phrases at each other, like you could tell me that I'm "doomed", and I would respond with something clever like, "hope I'm not too much of a MONKEYWRENCH in your plans!" after I've sicced thirty-four monkeys on you and used a wrench to gum-up the inner-workings of your spacecraft...

    It writes itself!

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  16. I appreciate your restraint. Mainly because I'm a big fan, and that would have been painful.
    As for your sci-fi proposition -
    I'm totally in ... IF I get to wear a really kick-ass outfit, and have a lot of ingenious weapons myself. (To counter your monkeys)
    Deal?

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  17. What about a bananarang, to keep those damn, dirty apes mesmerized?

    Or maybe a counter-intuitive monkey-feces catch-and-refire slingshot/catapult thing?

    That would be so incredibly rad: girl in a kick-ass outfit, boomeranging monkey-shit while yelling, "curses, foiled again!"

    It's a deal!

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  18. Dude.
    Seriously.
    I'm just posting this to tell you (and I'm still laughing from reading your last comment) that you ROCK.
    Now I have to go Google "bananarang" because that is not a word I have in my memory bank or mental dictionary.
    For some reason, I'm scared.

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  19. Dictionaries? Dictionaries? We don't need no stinkin' dictionaries! Jobber makes up his OWN terminology, beyotches.

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  20. AND my own taglines:

    "I gotcher bananarang RIGHT HERE!"

    [pointing at pants]

    ...okay, so maybe taglines AREN'T my forté.

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  21. I think taglines might well be your forte.

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  22. thanks for taking the time for reviewing my blog.i have read what you had to say.not necessary to say i beg to differ.
    peace out.

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Grow a pair.