Can I be your guru?

When the lovely and talented (and absent) Love Bites handed me my blog to review this week, there was a note attached: "she is looking for guidance." Honey, aren't we all? I'd like some guidance about lottery numbers and full body liposuction, but that's neither here nor there. I'm happy to offer Allie at Friday Night Ambulance the benefit of my vast experience and completely biased and unprofessional opinion.

First, it's pink. Pepto-Bismol pink. And I like pink, just not this much of it. Jumping Jesus, it's too much. But wait, wasn't this a different design when I stopped by briefly yesterday? Or have I had some sort of aneurysm? Maybe it's all the weed, but I seem to recall a different (less pinkified) design. If so, Allie, dear heart, change it back. Or change it to something else. Because this? Hurts.

You love art, but there's no design on the blog at all. I know there's a tech element, but get in there! Jazz it up. Also, roll up your archives and your categories, and check out a blog design with tabs: I always like an about page. And about your categories/tags, condense 'em. You have many with only one post, and that's spreading it all a little thin.

Allie and I both know she's not a writer. This is not a writer's blog. There are quite a few its vs. it's snafus and other grammatical glitches along the way. You can get away with this (ok, not really, but I'll humor you) if you have something to say, if you have an interesting way of saying it, if you let your voice carry us away and distract us from the grammatical boo-boos. But you're not quite there, so those lapses in construction stand out and detract from your words.

Now, it's fine to blog if you're not a writer. I happen to prefer blogs with more nuanced writing, blogs where the writers have style and an eye for language and storytelling and proper apostrophe use. But the web is a wide open world full of all kinds of bloggers, and there's room for non-writers, too. It's just, I don't read a lot of them. The ones I do read have something to say, a story to tell that engages me, a personality that comes through the screen and keeps me coming back in spite of their writing ability.

Chances are, if you blog because you're bored, you'll bore your audience. Some of these posts are ever-loving long, and with the lack of spacing (I assume this is a blogger/template change issue), it's just impossible to read. Edit, edit, edit. It's a lot of "I did this, then we did this, and then the kids said this, and then we played Xbox." Pick a topic, stick with it, try not to ramble. And if you do ramble, hell, toss in a few bullet points. I do read one blogger who rambles on an ungodly lot (you know who you are), but it works for her because her voice is so engaging. But she's the exception that proves the rule, so keep it concise, go back and edit, and thank heavens you quit with that whole Blog365 thing because that, my dear, makes for some boring blog posts.

I do love your haiku, though. And there are flashes of humor. And I gotta love a girl with a porn box. But these are overshadowed by a lot of memes and the aimless rambling and posts about nothing.

Look, I like you. You're kind of bitchy and fun, and you're giving this blogging thing the old college try and I commend you for that. You know there's something you're missing, and you're willing to let me rake you over the coals to find it. Good on you.

You've already taken a good first step. You're reading some blogs with good shit. Let them influence you. Next, clean up your design. I hope that this pink overload is just a placeholder for something else, because this needs a facelift something fierce. And clean up your writing. Stay focused. Tell us a story. Post when you have something to say. Refrain from recaps unless you can pull us into the experience and make it mean something to us, otherwise it's like you're emailing with your best friends, and why not just do that over email instead of posting on a blog? Find a reason to blog other than boredom -- I suspect you have one, but maybe you haven't owned it yet.

Today I'm giving you





and a







You wanted guidance, now you've got it. And our trusty commenters will likely give you more. Pay attention, take heed, show us your artistic flair, and get to work. I think you've got it in you to punch this up a notch or two. And I'll be checking your progress.