Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Can I be your guru?

When the lovely and talented (and absent) Love Bites handed me my blog to review this week, there was a note attached: "she is looking for guidance." Honey, aren't we all? I'd like some guidance about lottery numbers and full body liposuction, but that's neither here nor there. I'm happy to offer Allie at Friday Night Ambulance the benefit of my vast experience and completely biased and unprofessional opinion.

First, it's pink. Pepto-Bismol pink. And I like pink, just not this much of it. Jumping Jesus, it's too much. But wait, wasn't this a different design when I stopped by briefly yesterday? Or have I had some sort of aneurysm? Maybe it's all the weed, but I seem to recall a different (less pinkified) design. If so, Allie, dear heart, change it back. Or change it to something else. Because this? Hurts.

You love art, but there's no design on the blog at all. I know there's a tech element, but get in there! Jazz it up. Also, roll up your archives and your categories, and check out a blog design with tabs: I always like an about page. And about your categories/tags, condense 'em. You have many with only one post, and that's spreading it all a little thin.

Allie and I both know she's not a writer. This is not a writer's blog. There are quite a few its vs. it's snafus and other grammatical glitches along the way. You can get away with this (ok, not really, but I'll humor you) if you have something to say, if you have an interesting way of saying it, if you let your voice carry us away and distract us from the grammatical boo-boos. But you're not quite there, so those lapses in construction stand out and detract from your words.

Now, it's fine to blog if you're not a writer. I happen to prefer blogs with more nuanced writing, blogs where the writers have style and an eye for language and storytelling and proper apostrophe use. But the web is a wide open world full of all kinds of bloggers, and there's room for non-writers, too. It's just, I don't read a lot of them. The ones I do read have something to say, a story to tell that engages me, a personality that comes through the screen and keeps me coming back in spite of their writing ability.

Chances are, if you blog because you're bored, you'll bore your audience. Some of these posts are ever-loving long, and with the lack of spacing (I assume this is a blogger/template change issue), it's just impossible to read. Edit, edit, edit. It's a lot of "I did this, then we did this, and then the kids said this, and then we played Xbox." Pick a topic, stick with it, try not to ramble. And if you do ramble, hell, toss in a few bullet points. I do read one blogger who rambles on an ungodly lot (you know who you are), but it works for her because her voice is so engaging. But she's the exception that proves the rule, so keep it concise, go back and edit, and thank heavens you quit with that whole Blog365 thing because that, my dear, makes for some boring blog posts.

I do love your haiku, though. And there are flashes of humor. And I gotta love a girl with a porn box. But these are overshadowed by a lot of memes and the aimless rambling and posts about nothing.

Look, I like you. You're kind of bitchy and fun, and you're giving this blogging thing the old college try and I commend you for that. You know there's something you're missing, and you're willing to let me rake you over the coals to find it. Good on you.

You've already taken a good first step. You're reading some blogs with good shit. Let them influence you. Next, clean up your design. I hope that this pink overload is just a placeholder for something else, because this needs a facelift something fierce. And clean up your writing. Stay focused. Tell us a story. Post when you have something to say. Refrain from recaps unless you can pull us into the experience and make it mean something to us, otherwise it's like you're emailing with your best friends, and why not just do that over email instead of posting on a blog? Find a reason to blog other than boredom -- I suspect you have one, but maybe you haven't owned it yet.

Today I'm giving you

and a

You wanted guidance, now you've got it. And our trusty commenters will likely give you more. Pay attention, take heed, show us your artistic flair, and get to work. I think you've got it in you to punch this up a notch or two. And I'll be checking your progress.


  1. plain ol' buddha6/24/2008 12:09 PM

    perfect description I think
    there is no need to say more

    and I just love the fact that calamity keeps a check on her victims. that just shows dedication to help others improve.

  2. I saw the incoming link from you on my site, and I almost threw up in my mouth. Why? Because I thought PHO SHO you all would crucify me.

    WH tothe EW.

    More in a moment when my little old heart stops a'racing. ;)

  3. OK...I have to say that (as much as I'm with you on the PINK and the lack of art) that I like this layout better than the binder. The binder was a little distracting.

    The other thing that Allie does very well is participate in the blogs of others. She's a slam dunk commenter; always funny and concise.

    God, I may almost have the balls to ask you to do me sometime. *almost*

  4. Heh. You said, "do me."

    Submit, just get ready to get called on all that business in your sidebar. ;)

  5. My current layout is a transition. TRANSITION. I am working on greatness, yo. I hate it almost as much as you do.

  6. The pink burned up my patience, so I didn't dig deep, but offhand, does anyone know if both her kids came from the same dad/is the current guy Luis the father?

    The lives of all beautiful women play out like a soap opera - give me more on the characters of this one.

    ~ Driz

  7. I like Allie. She's good people.

    And thanks for the props.

  8. Thanks for being nice, I was totally expecting a flaming finger from y'all and I was definitely surprised to even get one star, so I appreciate that.

    As far as my layout goes, I have a friend that is helping me get together a custom one right now but she's been busy and I don't know enough about it to do it myself. I'll change the pink to something a little less vomit inducing until it's ready.

    I stopped the whole Blog 365 shit last month because, like you, I realized it was making my blog extremely boring and I even got tired of writing that crap, I can only imagine what reading it was like. So consider that advice already taken.

    I appreciate all your advice so expect it to suck less in the future.

  9. Driz, my kids are from the same dad and yes that is my current husband, Luis. I know he doesn't look like a Luis but I swear to God he's mexican, weird huh?

  10. DUDE!
    You so hit her stupid ass on the head. She is a boring fat girl that lives off us tax payers. I so hate useless whores that have one job in life and that is to pop out kids. I mean for real get off your fatass and lose some weight and stop bitching about having no money. And BOO your husband is in the military. HE CHOSE IT CUNT!

  11. Dude, if you're gonna put a blogger on blast, you could at least have the decency to identify yourself. Until then: whatever, Adonis.

  12. Here comes the hate! Keywork did say it was free, didn't he? Indignant, futile anger costs extra, though.

  13. Also, 'anonymous' is blogspeak for 'cunt'.

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  15. I know who that anonymous bitch is, she's a crazy hater and I don't listen to her. She can't comment on my blog anymore so she started spewing her hate here, sorry.

    FYI Anon: I don't think having 2 kids and then my husband getting a vasectomy really constitutes me "popping out babies."

  16. I wish anonymous would die horrifically in a fiery car crash because that would be way funnier than that comment.

  17. oh crap, now I need to repent.

    (good thing y'all got yerselves a preacher reviewer now.)

  18. Wow - judging by the level of intellect evident in that anonymous pile of drivel, it must have taken him/her/it four days to actually type it into our comment-box...maybe go back to finger-painting, anonymous, where you're doubtlessly King/Queen of the four-year-olds.

  19. well it wasn't totally horrible for you Allie...you cock loving slut.

  20. Cock loving slut? That's a better name for a blog. Or one of my exes. Well, maybe more than one.

  21. Really, though, isn't it difficult to be a non-cock-loving slut?

    I guess Dirty Pirate Hooker is just reinforcing Allie's heterosexuality.

  22. NJ, most would call me a slut. And the only cock I have any fondness for is attached to me. So that makes me a non-cock loving slut I guess.

  23. If only you all new how often DPH throws down the "cock loving slut".

    I mean the phrase, anyway.

    If she really throws them down I'm not privy to that information.

  24. I do the dew and friday night am is still a cunt whore. boooooooring!

  25. I don't know, Key, where my head was at earlier in re: sluts... touché, sir.

    Hey, what's with all this anonymous booooolshit? Anyone know?

    Used to be, back in the day, dipshits would at least fess-up; now, what, is this a new age of ignorant little fuckholes trolling our site?

    I guess it is...

  26. Sometimes I think people just throw words up on a screen to see if they stick. May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?

  27. Calamity, that sounds pretty hot, so I'm going with 'yes'.

  28. Beautiful nonsense, my dear; snappercake perrywinkle to you too, chesterblasting!

    Hot-sauce forever!

  29. Now you all are talking like my dad.

    He randomly blurts out things like Horsefeathers and Nacho.

    And we're pretty sure it's not Alzheimer's or a strange form of Tourette's.

    Perhaps they'll make him his very own syndrome.

    What syndrome or disease makes you an anonymous, chicken-shit?

    Just curious.

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  31. Yeah...cock loving slut...such a beautiful word...I'm sure I could be described as one too...that's fine. But for the record, there have been plenty o' cocks I have not loved and have still slutted with!

    Anon - you're a whore.

  32. I am a cock-loving slut, I have no shame in admitting it.


Grow a pair.