Tuesday, June 10, 2008

You don't have to put on the red light

I am all for prostitution. Really. You wanna make a little money from your money maker? Have at it. Be safe. Save your money. Stay away from pimps. Don't fuck my fiance, and we're all good. And if you have a blog, let me read it. Because you fascinate me.

But when it comes to whoring out your blog, that gets my dander up. Sell your body, but don't sell your blog. If I see ads and pay-per-posts and ad networks, I'm going to sneer at you for being a mercenary little bastard trying to wring every last drop of money out of the internet. And then I'm going to click away. Fast.

Today's blog has been pimped the hell out: Lofty Matters.

I'm not convinced this is an actual submission. I left a comment requesting verification but haven't received a response. I'm betting this is the work of our phantom submitter because I find it hard to believe someone with this type of blog would willingly offer themselves up to us for sacrifice.

But, much like Love Bites, I'm going to post this review anyway because the world needs to know: whoring your blog is a sin and you're going to burn in hell! I'm going to get myself a megaphone and a badly drawn picket sign and stand on street corners fighting the good fight against the moral depravity of spreading your blog's legs for remuneration and spreading filthy, nasty diseases like adverticankers and pay-per-pustules. Demons will carve Google ads into your ass for all eternity.

This isn't a blog, it's a paid programming channel. And when the blogger isn't shilling for someone she's posting this. Because apparently people might not know what day it is. Or something. And this. Two words. Well, I've got two words for this blogger: "get real." And "bite me."

Blogging, to me, is personal. It's intimate. There's a conversation between the blogger and the audience, a shared space. We let you in. Blogging is not Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" saying she won't kiss on the mouth. Bloggers give tongue, man. Or they damn well should. But this? It's flat, soulless, empty, sold out.

I know nothing about this blogger because she doesn't share. Even her About Me page is empty. Oh, there are words, but they tell nothing. The most telling part of the blog is I Disclose.

Look, Rambler--if this is real, if you actually did submit your blog for review--here's some advice. Stop with the ads and pay-per-posts. They rob your blog of any validity. By letting your blog be a platform for commercials and greed you become completely unreliable. Aside from that whole selling your soul thing, your blog needs guts. It needs you: your opinions, your thoughts, your experiences, your mistakes, your laughter.

Otherwise, what can I get for $20?

42 comments:

  1. Nice - fuck this person, submission or no submission.

    I've heard people compare blogs to TV, what with all the commercials & such, but that's an idiotic mindset; I'll start accepting money-whore blogs when they start filling books with advertisements.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am SO FUCKING GLAD you did this. If you didn't, frankly, I was going to. From here on out, we are going to be tracking IP addresses on the blog submission form. I asked, too, if she/he did not submit for a review, to let us know. She's since posted, so fuck her.

    Blogs like this are a wart on the wart of the ass of the blogosphere.

    And, I lurved your review.

    Blogs like this give whores a bad name.

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  3. When I clicked on this blog earlier today, I thought the same thing. Why on earth would the owner of this blog submit here? She had to know she'd be torn apart.

    That isn't a blog, actually. It's a website. You described a blog perfectly. That site has never been and probably never will be a "blog".

    *By the way, just a thought from one of your fans here in the peanut gallery: I think you guys are taking the perfect approach to this whole anonymous submitter thing. If it thinks it's causing you even the slightest bit of discomfort or embarrassment, it's going to keep doing it. By saying "fuck it", you're letting it know you don't give a rat's ass! You're putting forth an effort to validate submission. That's going above and beyond, and I think that totally clears you.*

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  4. I can't add anything. I hate this term, but - "I totally agree". People sometimes whine when I take them of my blogroll, but it's almost always because they've started running ads or worse; pay per post.

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  5. "Demons will carve Google ads into your ass for all eternity." I love that.

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  6. Right on calamity.

    Also, the phantom submitter must have a helluva lot of time on his/her hands to go digging for these blogs!

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  7. There is no phantom submitter anymore. All of the submissions we've received in this batch have unique IP addresses.

    So, I'm going to call that claim what it is: BULLSHIT.

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  8. Captain, for sure. Google ads. How Kafkaesque.

    I said it. Pretension be damned.

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  9. Matters That Matter.

    To fucking who?

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  10. Seriously. I was left scratching my head and wondering who the hell gives a shit.

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  11. Just curious, but does Adsense actually work?? Not that I'm trying it out. Sits on your blog like a bedsore, and I'd hate to get Nutter, Bites et al go postal on my ass ;)

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  12. Crowley, I haven't any idea. If it does, I'm totally going to be a hypocrite 'cause I'm broke y'all.

    No. Not really. Well, yes, I am broke, but I'm not going out like that.

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  13. Adsense is brilliant, you can write smutty stuff, or smutty comments and google conjors up smutty ads in return. Win Win.

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  14. Oh, sooo....if I have a post on, hmm, justin timberleak...Adsense will pull up ads on how to deal with diaper rash? *wow*

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  15. I, like Calamity, ain't going out like no sucka.

    Seems non sequitur-ish, but I stand by it...

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  16. Yeah, yeah, ads are bad, yadda, yadda. I think we're all missing the important thing here: MY pick for quote of the week is up there! Why, I could only be prouder if I'd actually SAID something witty...

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  17. I absolutely agree. There was zero tongue, and I will have zero page views from now on.

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  18. Darwin:

    You will. I have no doubt. But the competition is fierce here.

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  19. p.s. If you have a tab labeled, "I disclose," and you're not disclosing something tawdry and/or titillating, WTF? is wrong with you? Hell's bells, people.

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  20. I was surprised by this one too, when I checked it out in advance.

    But, eh, I'll bet whoever it is has had a lot of traffic today. Maybe that was his/her plan.

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  21. I just submitted my bloggedy blog and then went and checked to see what you do like. The first of your top rated blogs is covered in google adsense and adverts for Campbells crap food! How did that happen? And after reading the others I am afraid my blog might be a little too interesting for you guys. I fell asleep half way through most of the two thousand word posts about the trivia occurring in the minds of people with boring middleclass mundane lives. I am seriously questioning your qualifications for the job you have chosen. Google adsense on your top rated blog? Posts about 'my mum likes my blog' 'i havent a drink for four years' yawnnnnnzzzzzz

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  22. If you're worried that you'll be too interesting for us, gingatao, you're doing a pretty piss-poor job of showing off your skills here, I'm afraid.

    But just wait - we'll see you when we get there, chump-change.

    Good start, though.

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  23. And after reading the others I am afraid my blog might be a little too interesting for you guys.

    Classy.

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  24. But you have avoided the question. Your top rated blog, despite your protestations in this post, has got huge adverts all over it, including google adsense. Have you nothing to say to this issue?

    ReplyDelete
  25. I haven't looked, but I believe they're placed in alphabetical order...also, for the record, I have a lot to say on a lot of different issues; that doesn't mean that any dipshit with a rod jammed up their ass & spouting poetry like they're a flaccid Bon Jovi gets their day in court just because they're feeling particularly brazen one lazy Tuesday night.

    Whomever reviewed that "top-rated blog" you keep harping about wasn't I, and since we're all different folks over here, we all march to different drums.

    Seriously, though, keep baiting: it still isn't interesting, but at least you're getting a response, right?

    ReplyDelete
  26. Exactly, everybody's happy. You have a strange notion of alphabetical order, one in which 'M' comes before 'H' and so on. I am only trying to help by providing feedback. No need to get upset. I thoroughly applaud what you are trying to do here. Bloggoland is full of horrors. I thought you would like to know that the very first blog, the top of the list, whatever you want to call it in your five star rankings has google adsense. After all you say yourself "I'll start accepting money-whore blogs when they start filling books with advertisements."

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  27. My "strange notion" of alphabetical-order is adied greatly by my earlier statement, "I haven't looked".

    Also, gigantico, please stop attempting to snow me - this "I'm only trying to help" business might work with the little boys at the gym, but they're no good to you here.

    It's nice, though, that you took the time to quote me my own statement; that's very sweet. Also very sweet is that you think enough of me to expect me to speak on behalf of all the reviewers here on Ask: thank you for your love.

    As for my getting "upset", well, clearly you haven't seen me in the throes of failure-to-light-BBQ-in-timely-fashion psychosis, or you wouldn't mistake my earlier comment as an example of being "upset".

    All in all, this is starting to feel like a waste of time and energy, so if you've any parting shots, maybe level them towards your pillowcase, where the scores of unanswered prayers & reams of unrealized genius, I'm sure, also reside.

    Ta!

    ReplyDelete
  28. What a disgusting place my blog tracking service has brought me to this morning.

    Your classless "review" of my blog has no value or worth as far as I am concerned.

    Interesting how the two posts you pulled out as examples of my blog were two from the very beginning of my blog when I was trying to find a direction to take it. Obviously, those posts were deleted after this direction was chosen and they no longer fit.

    My subscriber numbers are steadily rising and I think I'll just stay my course. It's working fine for me, thanks very much.

    Ta!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Sometimes, very rarely, a blog will transcend its whoring nature and be good despite selling out. It might be the exception that proves the rule.

    Also, that blog? The one you keep pointing to? Isn't dedicated entirely to gaining revenue, which this one is. For me, a blog can be good and include ads (but not pay-per-post -- I gotta draw the line somewhere), but it can't be good if it's just ads. Or pay-per-post.

    Rambler, enjoy the traffic burst! Also, did you actually submit your blog for review?

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  30. Oh, Rambler, you know this whole thing is just eating you up inside...have fun with your "steadily rising" cash-flux; maybe soon you can upgrade from a medium coffee to the large.

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  31. Apparently, Gingatao was put off by Miss Britt.

    hehehehehehehheheheheheheheh.

    You classless bastards.

    Nice try, Rambler. Cal and I left 3 comments on your blog prior to posting the review, so way to play dumb. You asked, you were served.

    I was hoping we'd get some trolly whinging asses this week though, so who says wishes don't come true?

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  32. Gingatao: And after reading the others I am afraid my blog might be a little too interesting for you guys.

    No worries. I've visited. You're nothing special. ;) I hope I get you so I can show you my special love.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Cooool bananas. I look forward to it immensely. The evidence in this stream of comments indicates it will be a riotous experience. Your obvious great intelligence, erudition, attention to detail (I didn't look but I think it was alphabetical, hahaha) etc, show that you are all well qualified your chosen tasks. If I have time I will endeavour to return the favour.

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  34. Mmmyep.

    Hey Gulliver, could you hold my dictionary for a sec? I gotta go potty.

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  35. Someone had too much smarmy in their corn flakes this morning.

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  36. Your obvious great intelligence, erudition, attention to detail (I didn't look but I think it was alphabetical, hahaha) etc, show that you are all well qualified your chosen tasks.

    Your attention to detail is also superb, as evidenced that you have attributed comments to me that I didn't make. About what i'd expect from someone who has such insufficient connection between reality and self-delusion about their own blogging abilities.

    ciao, troll.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Someone had too much smarmy in their corn flakes this morning

    This idiot loves himself so much he pees in his own cornflakes and claims it tastes like attar of roses.

    Ex-husband with the smallest penis in the world, is it you?

    ReplyDelete
  38. I have to ask myself...

    Do we want to review obvious assholes and give them the benefit of our traffic? You tell me. Even if we rake them, they get hits. So, I'm all for ignoring our newest little troll. Someone is wayyyyy too much of an attention whore.

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  39. I think it's fanfuckingtastic that potential victims come here and throw petty, weak insults before they're reviewed. I'm thinking about coming back and I would see it as a personal favor if this chump's blog would be my "welcome back" review...

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  40. PLEASE. COME. BACK. E-mail me.

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  41. That blog bored the shit out of me. I guess I'm not brainy enough to handle it.

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  42. I'm bored with waiting. Do you know any more rude words? As far as I can see this is only person here with the slightest idea of what's going on..
    "Do we want to review obvious assholes and give them the benefit of our traffic? You tell me. Even if we rake them, they get hits."
    You know, you bunch would have to be the most outrageously arrogant bunch of foul mouthed fools I've ever come across. The funny thing is you ain't funny. But it is a fun place to come and practice my plummy voice. Especially when I've had a shitty day at work and want to take it on overinflated idiots whose vocabulary doesn't extend beyond fifth grade swearing. Thanks for the opportunity. Hurry up with my review you slackers.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.