Monday, June 30, 2008

You're No Diablo Cody, My Dear...

I must preface this by saying that I am no prude, neither am I one of those old skool feminists who loudly denouce stripping and other matters of the sex trade. While I wish we lived in a world where womens' sexuality was celebrated for what it is, rather for what and how much it can get them, I have absolutely no problem with strippers, women who want to be strippers, or even middle-aged moms who take strip-aerobics or a pole dancing classes...albeit, I do find it kind of stupid.

Anyway, I have been charged with reviewing The Pole Affair, written by a Brit who I can only assume is either a peeler or one who fills her free time by learning about the Burlesque arts. I haven't yet figured that out (I'm assuming it's the latter, due to the explanation under the title). Wanna know why? Because this is probably the most boring blog about pole dancing I've ever read (and I've read quite a few...the Midwest is lousy with them). Most of her posts are insufferably long and detailed to the point where my eyes glaze over and I start contemplating a new recipe for pot roast. I tried, I really tried, to read over 2 dozen posts, but they were far too full of words (very few of them sexy, a lot of them highly technical screeds about pole dancing class and the people who attend them). She needs to either edit or break those fuckers up into more manageable chapters. This post is just one example of something that would be highly interesting and readable, if you would only either break it up or get out your goddamn red pen. Christ on a bike, I never thought walking on hot coals would actually be preferable to reading about walking on hot coals. I think you could do well to take note of what these three women are writing and always leave us wanting more (yes, I know the third is D.C.'s MySpace page, but her blogger site seems to have gone away in the past month).

As to your template, well, can I just say, what's with all the fucking buttons and awards? Either get rid of them or roll 'em up, same with your archives. There's just too much fucking useless garbage stinking up your side bar. Oh, and it's pink...blech. We all know how I feel about pink, so I won't beat a dead horse on that issue.

I give it a gigantic for the insufferably long posts that seem more like literary valium then titilating nuggets about learning to be a "vamp."

53 comments:

  1. Thanks for your review. I'm not sure all those people who nominated me onto the shortlist for Best European Blog at this year's Bloggies would agree with you, but there you go; you're entitled to your opinion.

    As to the sidebar issue, if the template allowed, I'd happily compress it, but sadly I'm stuck with it as it is.

    Out of interest, do you write? I'd be interested to read your work.

    Puss

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  2. Ok, so her writing is rather bland. But did you see the backyard on this one? Bore me to death, just so long as I can stare at her ass. Did I mention she has a really hot ass? No? Well, her ass, it's beautiful.

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  3. But I cannot justify the abusive widgetry she has going on there. Nice ass, still, but please put down the widgets.

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  4. The laundry list of textbook examples continue, and the proof is so readily available. Let it be said again:

    Women are to be seen and not heard (or read).

    Might also be worth a mention that the only 'shortlist' she belongs on is the attendance sheet for the short-fucking-bus.

    ~ Driz

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  5. If she used a marker and wrote her posts on her ass, I would consider pretending to read her work.

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  6. "Best European Blog" - that’s impressive.

    No, not impressive...what’s the word? Oh, yes: that’s "useless".

    No, no - maybe it’s a phrase I’m looking for: that’s "completely immaterial".

    Tsk. No, I’m not getting a handle on this; let me try this: that’s "hilarious that you would submit your blog and then cower behind a 'nomination' that carries as much weight as being handed a mug that says 'World’s Greatest Grandpa'".

    Yes - much better.

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  7. Mountain Lover6/30/2008 11:21 AM

    I don't understand- why submit your blog for review, only to say, "This didn't validate me, unlike these sites over there- see all my awards and nominations?" You obviously weren't looking to improve your blog, but rather wanted another "award" to add to the sidebar.

    I agree with the review-I couldn't read an entire post, the filler was a huge snooze.

    And the sidebar- FFS, change your template. I wouldn't consider it a sexy/vamp template anyway. It's like the diet coke of sexy/vamp and definitely not worth the clutter.

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  8. I would hardly say I was hiding. I take the opinion of the reviewer as just that - the opinion of one person. Other people hold other opinions - all are valid, if subjective.

    And to the person who suggested I was seeking validation, you are sorely mistaken; it's a blog. I was simply curious, and open to constructive criticism.

    Puss

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  9. Bah - lies.

    Passive-aggressive behavior is what that is, my dear; if you were truly just "curious", you wouldn’t have slammed both a mention of some award-nomination & the "you-think-you-can-do-better-I’d-like-to-see-you-try" call-out to Mistress into your response.

    Don’t try to high-road us, sweetie: we can smell you a mile away.

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  10. I'd like to see more pictures of her ass.

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  11. @Nutjobber
    If that's how you read that, it says more about you than it does me, sweetie.

    Puss

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  12. Boooooolshitty.

    If I was in somebody's house and it was made clear that they weren't impressed with me, I wouldn't stand around explaining that I was given the key to the city for that time I saved a family of six from a burning building, or that my mom thinks I'm the handsomest guy in school; I would propably say "fair enough" and go eat a cheeseburger, maybe even indulge in some fries while I was at it.

    Don't throw your own dance with arrogance on me for pointing it out, silly-pants.

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  13. Thanks for your review. I'm not sure all those people who nominated me onto the shortlist for Best European Blog at this year's Bloggies would agree with you, but there you go; you're entitled to your opinion.


    beech, please. The only award you're do for is "most insufferably pretentious and boring."

    You submitted to us. Thus, you valued our opinions enough to submit here. What does Bitter Mistress write? She wrote your review, which is about 5 million times more interesting than anything on your fucking boring blog. You just read it.

    Now, shoo, idiot. You wanted constructive criticism, but only if it expressed adoration. We don't adore you. Your blog sucks ass. Now, run along, and find some syncophants who will tell you what you clearly want to hear.

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  14. Or, post more naked photos. You remind me of a blog review I did recently which could be summed up as: "shut up and look pretty." Same to you, but more of it.

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  15. That's what I'm talking about. More flesh, plz.

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  16. Finally, I've developed a molecule of interest. Are the tits as good as the ass? Nekky pix plz.

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  17. Seriously, more porn, less talking. The elderly computer on which my vast porn collection was stored has crashed, and I'm in need. Think of it as a charitable act.

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  18. That picture reminds me of when my granny did her back in a few years back.

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  19. It's almost July and I just discovered your review--such is my life.

    Thanks so much. Great review--although you didn't mention how "hot" I am.

    I do have to disagree with you, however, about my ads. I love them because they are an abridged version of my life. Current ones include: Custom Beer Labels, Beer Shirts, Beer Glasses and John Cusack and Wilco Ringtones.

    Come back and read my review of your review. And to those Jeff Tweedy fans, call me.

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  20. Late to the party, I know, but it doesn't look as if I've missed anything!

    I'm sorry. I didn't make it through a single post.

    And by the way, most of our asses look as good in the sucking-in, cellulite-hiding, transparent pantyhose like she's wearing in that shot. It's when we take all that shit off that you have to worry about what you're going to see.

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  21. 'see'/'get hit in the face with'... same difference

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  22. And to the person who suggested I was seeking validation, you are sorely mistaken; it's a blog. I was simply curious, and open to constructive criticism.


    If by constructive criticism you mean validation, then obviously.

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  23. "Out of interest, do you write? I'd be interested to read your work."

    Yes, I do have a personal blog, but I prefer to keep it separate from my reviewing life, much like the other reviewers here.

    As to being nominated for a Bloggie, meh, that impresses me very little, actually, knowing what I know about blogger awards.

    Like I said, I'd be more interested in what you have to say if you would cut the length of your posts by half.

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  24. My biggest complaint? The text is too damn small, so I just gave up reading entirely.

    It is a boring blog, but she uses her semicolons well. And she bends over to let us see her colon, so whatever.

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  25. I love Puss and have been reading her for a couple of years nearly and hope to meet her in person this year.

    However, I've made same criticisms... as a professional writer. She's a lovely, lovely woman but I just tend to skim those posts.

    (Let's not tell her!)

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  26. What I don't understand is, I mean, does she speak how she writes? There are flashes of slang and personality in there, but I feel like they're just drowned out in vague, hoity-toity verbage. Like, her walking across hot coals is like reading a high school health class text or an employee handbook on sexual discrimination.

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  27. I can't get past how bizarre it is to choose "Puss" as a nickname for yourself. Especially if you're then going to seriously self-analyze on your blog.

    But more importantly, all of you are so, so funny. I love this site.

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  28. WAIT! Wait - there are pole dancing blogs? In the midwest? How in all the holy names of fuck did I miss this? I'm kind of flabbergasted, and I am going to eye every unwashed trailerpark mother of 4 in line at the Walmart from now on and condemn them for their dirty secret lifestyle.

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  29. I love her review of OUR review. Time for a little re-validation from your clever readers, eh, Puss?

    meow.

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  30. I hate it when they review the review. I'm over there putting stars in asses.

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  31. How many jilted reviewees have used a variant of the phrase, "but then, in a moment of haste, I submitted and then forgot all about it..."

    Like they need to remind their readers that, yes, they asked for it, but the totality of any review meant so little to them that they could barely keep track of the time.

    My, how quickly the days do pass! Another day, another wrinkle photoshopped out of the pantyhose-clad ass of time...

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  32. Hey, I just finished reading the comments of the blog-review-review...the only thing that kept me reading is the fact that Keywork kept commenting.

    Maybe that right there is the difference between that snooty little site and our wonderful, trashy pit of spite: we're fucking fun to read.

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  33. It's not how something is said, it's what is being said. It could have been a stunt ass for all I know.

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  34. Oh, she moderates comments, how cute.

    I found it kind of funny that the review is being criticized because I criticized the number of words. Look, it's the internet, people have short attention spans and weak eyes. If I wanted to read something for 20 minutes, I'd pick up a book. Also, to the girl taking umberage at sexist comments, fuck you. Posting pics of your ass bent over in a thong pretty much invites that shit. If you don't want to be viewed as an object, keep your fucking clothes on. And to the dipshit calling me out on keeping my blog private, well, you're not the boss of me, so eat a bag of dicks.

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  35. Oh, and I also call bullshit on the whole "I fergeted" excuse. When I submitted my personal blog here over a year ago, I checked the site everyday for a month.

    BTW, it was a positive review, even though my blog was pink at the time. Quelle horreur!

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  36. Christ, half the people here know where my blog is; it's not like we're keeping them private because we're embarrassed.

    There's a type of person that, when hit in the face with their own mediocroty, lash out at their tormentors with "I don't see you doing it" - THE lamest criticism of a critique imaginable.

    We've got blogs, yes, and they kick ass - get over your review and keep pandering with those ass-shots.

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  37. All right - so Ms. Puss managed to equate umbrage of her naked ass with sexism, and the whole entire thing with racism...all of this (and more!) in her comments-section.

    My comment is "awaiting moderation", so, in the spirit of immediate-satisfaction, I'm putting it here; bully for her if she actually decides to post it on her own site:

    "Look, I was going to leave this alone, lest I be pigeonholed as a bully who follows people onto their blogs, but there’s a point that needs to be made:

    A woman showing her body does not invite "prejudice"; a woman showing her naked ass does, especially when said woman wants to be judged on her writing. This, unfortunately, is far different from racial prejudice, in which someone is marginalized for something beyond their control.

    You chose to show your ass; that immediately takes the idea of "sexism" out of the equation.

    There might be a myriad of reasons to dislike you, but you being a woman isn’t one of them.

    (And before you get all bent out of shape, remember that, in the above-sentence, I said might.)"

    Remember Laurie Kendrick? I think her & this chick (sexist!) are cut from the same cloth: sniffy, snotty, and holier than thou.

    Christ, I'm writing a fucking novel over here...

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  38. you're not the boss of me, so eat a bag of dicks

    How could anyone have missed this awesomeness?????

    Her ass isn't that great. Mine is better. You can find the proof on my secret blog.

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  39. I love this part of her review:

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining – after all, one doesn’t stick one’s head in the lion’s mouth then gripe when it bites your head off, I’m simply glad that thus far, the blogosphere has only put me in contact with people like August and Claudia, people for whom mean-spiritedness is as distasteful as it is to me.

    Beech, please. You knew who we were before you pressed the submit button. You LIKE it when we're mean to other people. You just thought we'd suck you off because that's what you're used to.

    So, in honor of your jaunt to Paris, a few thoughts:

    T'as une tête a faire sauter les plaques d'egouts. Tu es betes comme tes pieds. Tu es con. Vous êtes une pomme de terre avec le visage d'un cochon d'inde. Va te faire mettre.

    Much love and have a nice trip!

    Love Bites

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  40. I just used an online-translator, though I can't necessarily speak as to its validity:

    "To you ace a head has blow up the plates of egouts. You are betes as your feet. You are bloody stupid. You are a potato with the face of a pig of indigo. Is going to make you put."

    That sound about right, Bites?

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  41. it was more articulate in the original language.

    Something like:

    "You've got a face that would blow off manhole covers. You're as intelligent as the soles of your feet. You are a potato with the face of a guinea pig. Fuck off."

    Does that help?

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  42. I dunno - I'm really feeling "You are a potato with the face of a pig of indigo."

    I mean, that's too fucking absurd to even wrap my little mind around, and yet, possibly, the Greatest Insult Ever...though, granted, "a face that would blow off manhole covers" is pretty fine, too.

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  43. Why is it that insults in another language are just funnier? And then, the re-translation of them back into English? Hilarious.

    For the record, I knew this blog would suck when I saw that it was pink. It's just a given. They always do.

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  44. the ass wasn't even that good in the end

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  45. No, but like mom always said, 'If you don't have anything nice to say about someone, compliment her ass.'

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  46. er...ok then.

    Keywork's mom, you have a lovely ass.

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  47. Funny, that's exactly what I said to her after she dropped that line.

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  48. "How could anyone have missed this awesomeness?????"

    Thanks, Bites, I was drunk when I wrote that, too.

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  49. This Blog has been revised

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  50. It was pink and shit, now it's shit and pink.

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Grow a pair.