Review a Reviewer...

...it's almost too delicious in its incestuousness. Now, I read lots of foodie blogs, movie blogs, and pop culture blogs, but no book blogs. So, I entered Bitterly Books with an open heart and was immediately pissed off. First of all, the author had to pick the goddamn ugliest fucking template offered by Blogger. Seriously? I mean, all the templates suck pretty hard, but the shit brown template with only a little more pizazz than a well formed turd ranks far below the pink template of death. If you're going to take the time to read and review obscure books (not to mention including IBSN numbers), I think you can take an hour or two out of your busy schedule to search google for a free template with a book theme.

Furthermore, what's with all the fucking labels? The list is longer than a whale's dick and most of them only have one entry. That's just moronic on all levels. You might as well categorize them by the Dewey Decimal System for all the good that 30 plus, ultra-specific labels will do your readers. How about rolling up Kate Moss, Kat Von D, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Warren Buffet, Anjelina Jolie, et al into one category called "People of Note/Celebrities/Attention Whores, or whatever. Furthermore, is a label for "Dr. Benson Honeydew" really necessary? And who the fuck is he anyway? You'd be far better off with just a few descriptive categories, because really, and I'll be honest here, that mile long list is so fucking distracting I had to physically force my eyes over to the middle of the screen to read your reviews.

As for the content? Eh, it's little more than quoted lines of text with very little of the blogger's opinion. Thanks, but that's what Amazon is for. I feel like I'm reading some of my early English comp papers that were heavy on cited text to make the page quota. Add that to the ass ugly template, labels out the wazoo, and you get this steaming pile of boring. Take the effort you're expending by pulling quotes from the books you read and redirect it into forming an actual cohesive and elegant review and you'll be on to something.

I give it because all those labels make me want to set fire to the internet and there's just no fucking excuse for that template choice, which completely obfuscates a good blog idea.

Delayed Interest

Well, babies, I'm back again, limbs intact and ready to rumble. Well, sort of rumble. Actually, it's more like that "I'm not touching you" game you played in order to torture your siblings or younger cousins.

That's because I'm hard pressed to find anything that I really dislike about A Slight Delay, other than the fact that it reads like a community newsletter. You know, that small magazine you get every quarter, filled with well written articles that are vaguely interesting, yet spends six months on your coffee table because you swear you're going to read that piece on water conservation when you have the time. I mean, the subjects the author writes about aren't boring, per se, just not something that screams "READ ME" to me. Maybe they do to others, but I just can't be arsed to give a rip about writing the perfect copy, figuring out your audience, or a blog review on some architecture group.* Thankfully, the author uses the expanded post option wisely and saves a reader's sanity. Delay is a blogger's blog: technically well written, well thought out posts, and as dry as well done toast.

*full disclosure: my eyes glaze over when reading anything about architecture.

However, it's not all bread crumbs and butter, there were a few posts that I really liked. The obligatory post about telemarketers, an interesting little post about capital punishment that I disagree wholeheartedly with, and this fun little roundup of kitchen mishaps (as a domestic nerd who channels her inner homemaker every weekend, I'm kind of hot for food writing). Those three posts, alone, have saved this basically bone dry blog from my cruel words, so I commend you sir.

The template is a basic WordPress minimalist style that, while pretty boring, suits the writer's minimalist style. It's inoffensive and easy to read, although he may want to look into a drop down menu for the archives at some point.

I give it for clean writing, mercifully rolling up some of the longer posts, writing that has a clear point of view and obviously well thought out, and not completely boring me out of my gourd.

Dog Vomit...Bitch Please.

I'm known for having a strong stomach. I can eat a plate of lasagna while watching an exploratory laparotomy on the surgery channel, I can discus a child's raging case of scabies over lunch, hell, I can even make a poop joke over a vat of fondue. What I cannot look at is animal vomit. I especially cannot look at a picture of what looks to be said dog tasting his vomit. I can't read about it and I certainly cannot look at it. Having said that, I'm trying not to let this post taint (heh, I said taint) my overall view of Petite Gamine, even though she's kind of a mommy blogger.

It's no secret that I don't really like mommy blogs, but I can't help but like this blog, especially the posts about asses, getting discovered as a blogger by her hubby, and finding almost half her underwear collection in the pool drain. I'm down with the creative use of swears and her easy, breezy style of writing. She doesn't pretend to be a high-falutin' writer, try too hard to be funny, or take blogging too seriously, which is how I like my blogs. I doubt I'd become a regular reader, however, because she tends to get a little too Gymboree for me. The template is cute, suits the title, and she's got a rockin' pair of sweater puppets.

I give it for being the breath of fresh air of mommy bloggers, and a for scarring me for life with that dog puke post.

This Would Be a Good Week To Ask Me for Money

Why is that, you ask? Well, despite a crippling back problem this week, I was the happy recipient of some good ol' fashioned sinning this weekend, so consider this a get out of jail free card for all you bloggers out there, especially crunchy, granola-y bloggers.

Wit's End is one of those blogs I would only read if I knew the author in person. Which is not to say it's a bad blog, per se, it's just one of those day-in-the-life, this-is-what-I-ate, and-this-is-what-I'm-randomly-musing-about-today blogs. Basically 1 of 8 bajillion other blogs out there. Sigh. And that's the problem, she writes really well, is interested in cool things (she's a veterinarian and localvore), mother of twins at the tender age of 42 (holy fuck), but for some reason I just cannot totally love all over her blog like a drunk frat boy over a willing co-ed. This is because, while mildly amusing, it's just...normal. Not exactly riveting for a reviewer who revels in the utterly tragic and insane (I freely admit my bias). Also, and this is coming from a fellow Liberal, Republican bashing makes me cold. I know lots of Repubs (even dated a few...rockstars in the sack, BTW) and I really wish bloggers would stop equating Republicanism with stupidity (that's what Libertarians and Alabamans are for, j/k). It's your blog and your opinions, but if bloggers want their political opinions taken seriously they really should get out of the echo chamber once in a while.

But I digress...

I don't really have any criticism for this blog other than the baby-poo colored background is a pretty gross color and your blog designer should be spanked with a color wheel. Furthermore, I'd be really interested to hear more about your dealings with farm animals and their owners. Seriously, I think this is probably an untapped resource of hilarity that the author should explore. If farmers in upstate New York are anything like those of the upper plains states (think crotchety old men who hide from their 4H nazi wives with the other farmers at the local Fleet Farm), it's comedy gold, I tells you!

I give it for excellent and inoffensive writing. It would have been three if you could offend me a little more.

You're No Diablo Cody, My Dear...

I must preface this by saying that I am no prude, neither am I one of those old skool feminists who loudly denouce stripping and other matters of the sex trade. While I wish we lived in a world where womens' sexuality was celebrated for what it is, rather for what and how much it can get them, I have absolutely no problem with strippers, women who want to be strippers, or even middle-aged moms who take strip-aerobics or a pole dancing classes...albeit, I do find it kind of stupid.

Anyway, I have been charged with reviewing The Pole Affair, written by a Brit who I can only assume is either a peeler or one who fills her free time by learning about the Burlesque arts. I haven't yet figured that out (I'm assuming it's the latter, due to the explanation under the title). Wanna know why? Because this is probably the most boring blog about pole dancing I've ever read (and I've read quite a few...the Midwest is lousy with them). Most of her posts are insufferably long and detailed to the point where my eyes glaze over and I start contemplating a new recipe for pot roast. I tried, I really tried, to read over 2 dozen posts, but they were far too full of words (very few of them sexy, a lot of them highly technical screeds about pole dancing class and the people who attend them). She needs to either edit or break those fuckers up into more manageable chapters. This post is just one example of something that would be highly interesting and readable, if you would only either break it up or get out your goddamn red pen. Christ on a bike, I never thought walking on hot coals would actually be preferable to reading about walking on hot coals. I think you could do well to take note of what these three women are writing and always leave us wanting more (yes, I know the third is D.C.'s MySpace page, but her blogger site seems to have gone away in the past month).

As to your template, well, can I just say, what's with all the fucking buttons and awards? Either get rid of them or roll 'em up, same with your archives. There's just too much fucking useless garbage stinking up your side bar. Oh, and it's pink...blech. We all know how I feel about pink, so I won't beat a dead horse on that issue.

I give it a gigantic for the insufferably long posts that seem more like literary valium then titilating nuggets about learning to be a "vamp."

Short and Not Sweet

You know what I hate more than breaking a chip in the salsa? More than mechanics who think I need help filling a tire? More than the fact that the fat bastard that lives above me takes his morning shower at the EXACT SAME TIME as me, thereby using all of the hot water? Emo feminist bloggers who only have one or two posts on each page. Way to ensure that I'll never read your missives about consumerism, love, the service industry, or stress again. Oh and how about a blog post that's one big, fucking giant ad? I don't care if you're goddamn Mark Twain with a vagina, I despise one-post-per-page blogs and ad-like posts. I hate how this blog is nearly impossible to navigate due to the fact that, even if I had the desire to click "older posts," it took me 20 minutes to figure out how to get to the home page (click on her name). I hate this blog so hard right now. I hate that I'm missing I Love the New Millennium: 2002 to write about how much I hate this blog.

The writing? It's obtuse and pretentious only in the way a 20-year-old with "thoughts" can be, with only the fear of my cats eating my face off to prevent me from stabbing myself in the eyes repeatedly until I'm dead after reading them. Her posts are grammatically correct, but that's about the only visceral response to them that I can muster. Maybe I'm old and jaded, but I just can't get excited about 2 dozen posts that essentially boil down to "OMG, who am I? Where am I going? Why is the world fucked up? Get a free computer!" I'm not trying to be mean, but these are thoughts that every college kid has before they are brutally crushed by the weight of the real world. Yawn.

The blog design is nothing special, I've seen it used several times before, so the bottom half navigation thing doesn't blow me away like it did 2 years ago when I first saw it. It's minimalist, even a little beautiful, and I'd like it a lot more if post navigation wasn't such a goddamn clusterfuck.

You get a . Resubmit when you graduate and start working a soul-crushing office job where everyone's sleeping with each other and your cube neighbor has chronic flatulence.

I'd Like a Little Hot Fudge for my Cheesecake, Please

Well, hello there my lovelies! Guess who's back? Yup, it's me, your favorite ice queen from the Great White North, back to tear apart some blogs and flirt with all your boyfriends.

This is going to be a short review (but sweet…maybe) since I totally spaced last night (read: engrossed in BBC America) and have to write this from work. Today we have Bittersweet Confusion, a young lady living in NYC, but I'll try and not hold that against her (heh).

ANYway, I'll start with the template, and what can I say? Yes, it's neat and clean, professionally designed, and organized (I'd look into rolling up your archives, though), but, Holy Christ on a Bike, is it PINK! It's the kind of pink that makes my ovaries quiver in fear. You know, that color of pink generally favored by 6-year-old girls and 22-year-old sorority chicks? Yeah, that shade. Hell, I like the color pink (albeit a more slutty shade of magenta) and usually don't mind it on a blog, but, fuck, that's alotta pink!

Pink (shudder) template aside, the girl can write. Her posts are mostly "day in the life" stuff and are pretty PG. Which is kind of my problem with this blog. It's kind of like plain New York cheesecake. Mild, creamy, with just a hint of that tangy cream cheese goodness. You keep eating it (because, hello, it's cheesecake) but keep wishing for something more, like hot fudge or caramel syrup to sex it up a little. This is not to say I hate plain cheesecake, but for a chick living in NYC, there's GOTTA be something going on around town or some weird thing you saw in the subway to write about to sex it up a little (not actual sex, but something gritty, weird, and out of the ordinary) to cut the cloying sweetness of cream cheese.

I give it for being well-written and mostly interesting (love the e-mail exchange with a Classroom Admin), but it could be three (or even four) stars if you took a break from navel-gazing and gave us some City Gritty.

Mushiness Was Never My Strong Suit

Well, boys and girls, it's with a heavy heart that I write this little goodbye. Due to my increasingly busy schedule with work and school, that I must take a sabbatical from reviewing. I've really enjoyed working with the Ask gang and hope to continue in the summer as (at the very least) a guest reviewer.

As sappy goodbyes are not my strong suit, I'll just say it was a pleasure writing here and I'll still be reading.

Now, tell me how much you'll miss me in the comments section.

Don't Fuck With Me...Imma Esplode Any Minute...

Ok, babies, this winter really has to fucking end. I'm turning into a certifiable, homicidal, bitch on wheels who has no time for fucknuttery and shit ass blogs. Fortunately, the blog I'm about to review is not a shit ass blog, and since he's blogging from Wisconsin, he can feel my pain about winter. However, having to write about how great this blog is is really getting on my nerves. So, just to mix it up a bit, here's a reverse-positive list review of Nitro Vista:

1. Stop being all cute with that handsome picture in your profile. No unattached woman wants to look at a picture of a handsome man who has thoughts on the internet. Especially when said man lives one day's drive away from her. Serious, ugly yourself up a bit, will ya?

2. Stop blowing my image of guys being insensitive jerks by posting a beautiful little post about your kid and then post a sweet image of him sleeping. I, like most women, do not like my views on the opposite sex challenged.

3. Knock it off with funny posts about Walgreens/Wal-Mart. Reviewers hate laughing...shit, we even hate chuckling. So, knock it off, will ya?

4. Stop it with your good grammar, well thought out posts, and opinions. Frankly, you're just showing off with all that thar book larnin' and it's making me crabby.

5. Quit being witty and funny. Again, no one likes laughing and we're certainly not impressed by your repartee. As a matter of fact, I get the sneaking suspicion that you think you're better than me, don't you funny boy? Wanna go? Well do ya?

6. He also really needs to bugger up his template with ads, flash, gifs, and sidebar gunk. You really need to distract readers from your writing so they don't feel bad about their own shitty blogs.

Seriously, though, this is a good, nay great, blog and you get a but you need to stop being so awesome because then I'll have to blog-stalk you, boil your html code, and go off the Glenn Close-lined deep end...and nobody wants that.

Canada is the New Black

Confession time: I hate sugared cereals (well, except for Frosted Mini Wheats) and am lactose intolerant. If given the choice between a bran muffin and a gigantic bowl of Fruit Loops, I’d choose the bran muffin every time. There’s just something unnatural about eating that much sugar before 10 in the A.M.

Which is why I was leery when I was assigned “The Surprise in My Cereal Box.” I was afraid I was going to have to review one of those “theme blogs” where the author reviews kids cereals and obsessively collects the prizes at the bottom of the box (BTW, are those even offered anymore?). I instantly relaxed when I noticed the author, Sugar Smacks, is from Toronto. For some reason, I really really love Toronto blogs. They’re usually really well written (or so crazy-cool that you can’t help but love them) and often full of pictures of hip concerts and beautiful Canadian boys with manicured beards and cute glasses. As a matter of fact, there isn’t one Toronto-based blog that I don’t like, and this blog is no exception.

Even though I wish Miss Sugar would post more pictures (because she’s so damn cute), her writing style is exactly what I like about the blogosphere (gawd, I can’t believe I used that word). She writes without being too serious or like she’s trying too hard. She writes in a janky, fast, easy style that seems similar to how she talks (or how I would think she would talk). She uses funny little metaphors, slang, and plenty of swears that transport you into her mind. This is actually one of the few new blogs that I’ve come across in my time as a reviewer that I read EVERY SINGLE POST from the present day to the first day she began blogging. I never do that. Not even with the blogs that I’ve been following for 2 years. As a matter of fact, I loved this blog so fucking much that I’ve decided the only way one can become a better blogger is to move to Toronto. Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200, just get on a fucking plane and become a Canadian (especially now with the exchange rate).

I give it a rare double because what else is there to say, other than “will you be my best friend and sponsor my citizenship?”

It Makes Me Tired Just Reading It.

Let me just preface this review by saying that I'm usually prejudicial about mommy blogs. I usually hate them on principal because I really don't think people, even other mommies, are that interested about your kids, no matter how awesome they are...unless they're teenagers and the bad seed of the family. Because that shit's interesting in a train wreck sort of way. This is because I don't have kids. I like kids. I worked with them for about 13 years and I think they're both awesome and horribly shitty at the same time. Even with that said, I'd like to have a kid and I think I'd be a good mother...I just wouldn't blog about them.

So, the author of The More, The Messier, needs to keep that in mind when I say that I would never read this blog of my own free will. I only read one mommy blogger and that's because I know her in real life and very few of her posts are about her kid. It's not that this is a horrible blog, it's just that I cannot relate, whatsoever. Hearing about the lingering smell of puke, fights with the hubby, and putting the kids to bed is not what I would call scintillating reading. That aside, Suburban Correspondant writes really well, has a quick wit, and jokes about her bickering children being worse than water boarding (something I find hilarious because I'm a sick, sick person). I think she would be cool to hang out with (if she could find a moment to herself with six kids to corral) and promised to not tell me stories about puke.

The template is your standard blogger template, pretty boring but navigable and I really like the subtitle of "Kids! Vomit! Mice!" as it sounds like something you would see on a poster for an off-Broadway play.

Overall, I give it because I don't quite like it enough for the "I fucking love you" prize, but it's so well written and genuinely funny in parts.

Story Time

So, since I took a shitload of flack for not taking the time to really read a blog, being a below average blog reviewer (whatevs...you all love me and you know it), and was compared to Simon Cowell for the blog reviewing set (tis true, I hate about 95% of the blogs on the web, but I digress), I thought I would go past my initial gut reaction on a blog and force myself to read more than the first 2 posts.

After doing all that, I only have this to say: Fuck you. I'm trusting my gut from now on.

On deck is Standby Mode from Standby Mind in India. This dude seems to write stories. This dude, from what I can tell, writes stories that I can only conclude are possibly personal experiences written in the third person. Catch that? Because I had to read the first 3 posts a couple of times to come to that determination. I don't like reading anything 2 or 3 times. Ever. I'm not sure if it's a lost in translation thing, or that his grammar falls off the map in places, but I just can't get into his writing. Creative writing blogs are not my favorite things to read since quality is usually all over the map and I prefer blogs written by published authors (see this lady's blog for a good example). However, I'm not going to trash his blog just because I don't dig the subject matter. It's just not my brand of smokes, dig?

As for the template, I like it even though there's a bunch of shit (like buttons, flashing gifs, and a lyrics box) in the side bar that could probably be dumped (keep the flickr box, though, I like looking at pictures). It's a nice, soothing color that doesn't give me eye strain. Overall, a nicely laid out blog that doesn't make me want to barf.

I give it for the soothing template and the fact that, even though I didn't dig his writing, I just can't be mean to a University kid for expressing himself.

I'm Underwhelmed...

I'm back like Bruce Willis...with a vengance...well, maybe with a hangover and a cup of my famous rocket fuel coffee...I've been kind of M.I.A. on this site lately because school is kicking my sweet little ass (and not in a good way) and I seem to have caught everyone's illness through the intertubes (who knew viruses traveled through cable internet modems?).

ANYway, I'm here today to review www.chrisdellavedova.com, and frankly, I don't get it. He's a guy who's WAY smarter than I'll ever hope to be living the ex-pat life in Europe with a cute Irish wife and an uncommonly adorable baby. And maybe it's just me, or the coffee, but I just can't get into this blog. He posts mp3's and pics of his kid, but I can't be bothered to read most of the posts in their entirety because they're all rolled up and I have to "click here to read more." The thing is, I hate when bloggers do this. I especially hate when bloggers do this for almost EVERY SINGLE POST. I know, I know, the post is probably really long, and they don't want to garbage up the main page with all those words. However, and maybe I'm just lazy, but I don't want to have to click "read more" all the time just to read your thoughts on Super Tuesday, the Super Bowl, or whatever. They're probably really smart, witty, and well thought out posts, but I'll probably never know. But that's just my feelings on it, not really a criticism, just an opinion. Unless the post is 2 screens long, go ahead and post the whole thing on your main page, all that clicking around gives me a headache, to be honest.

As for the template, three columns ain't really my thang since they tend to make your site look a little too messy and busy, but, to each his own. I like the header with his dog (Timmins! OMG!) taunting the swan, since swans are evil, horrible birds that deserve to be taunted, and makes me wonder if the dog jumped into the water and gave that devil bird what-for.

In summary, I give it because it's probably really good and I feel bad that I didn't read much of it because I'm a lazy turd and he's got a cute family.

Use It or Lose It

OK, I'm not sure if this is going to be a completely fair review, because 1) I'm writing this after a 3 and a half hour Graduate class, 2) it's day 1 of that time of the month when I hate being a woman, 3) it's 4 fucking degrees out, and 4) I have to wash my crock pot tonight or else I'm going to have a total fucking OCD meltdown.

Anyway, the vict...er...blog for the day is Not Afraid to Use It. Basically, it's your average wife and mother pissing and moaning about things that happen in her life or that are on her mind. You know, like the other 8 bajillion bloggers out there (I include myself amongst the bajillions). It's not nearly as nasty and bitchy as I was hoping, what with the Wordless Wednesday posts, Thursday 13's, and pictures of her kid. Now, this isn't really a bad thing, just, well, not crabby enough for my taste. I know we can't all be pissy all the time, because, well, the neighbors might start talking, and before you know it, there's an FBI file with your name on it, but there's got to be more that pisses this girl off than runaway tigers and women watching their carbs (I mean, she is married, after all). Maybe I didn't read back far enough, but that really isn't my thang. Anyway, that aside, she writes pretty well, and there's some pretty good rants on there (I especially liked the little thing about her friend's roommate and the hockey thing, mainly because I don't get the appeal of hockey AT ALL, and I practically live in Canada.

The template is your basic boring blogger template with some blog awards buttons (do people still give those out? If so, who do I have to blow to get one?) and all the archives and links are rolled up nicely. I think she might benefit from getting a free template, or at least picking a blogger template that isn't so goddamn pink, but that's more of a personal decision, not really something I count off points for.

All in all, I give it for not being completely horrible and mostly laying off the mommy blogging.