So, in honor of Jess, I give you:
The Top Ten Bad Blogging Habits That Make Me Tired
1. Skinny little content columns that make posts sprawl endlessly for 22 inches down my computer screen.
2. 20-somethings and their limitless capacity for angst.
3. Reading about people's medical problems online. We all have them, sweethearts, and no one really wants to see your incisions.
4. Paragraphs like this:
And it was. Apparently he'd used the bathroom right after arriving at work and discovered blood in his urine. And oh my god, do you know how scary it is to hear that your fiancé has been peeing blood? I can't even imagine how scary it was for him to actually SEE the blood. Somehow the idea of blood coming from a place where it just really should NOT be is petrifying, much more so than a lot of other medical issues. It's just so immediate.
Anyway, he was calling from the road, because his boss was driving him to the ER to get it checked out. Of course, not the ER of the hospital I was currently at. So I raced to the outpatient lab to get my blood drawn, almost screamed when I had to wait five minutes for it to happen, and then got a cab over to the hospital to meet Torsten in the ER waiting room.
It's amazing how frustrating it is not to be with someone when you think something is happening to them. Like, what could I do? I don't know shit about medical anything, and I had no idea what could be causing him to pee blood, and even less of an idea how to fix it. He was already THERE, at the hospital, with doctors who might actually be able to help him. But it was KILLING ME that I wasn't there with him. Like my presence would somehow, magically, make a difference.
Jesus God almighty. Because it's all about ME ME ME ME ME!!! That's some fun shit to read, right there. This post is a good example of "stuff I should write in a spiral binder I keep under my bed and never show to anyone," because it totally makes you look like a self-absorbed twit.
Ehem...back to the list:
5. The fucking blogher network and their big ass annoying ads.
6. "Follow me on twitter."
7. Flickr photo boxes.
8. Blogs with 20 gazillion categories.
9. Archives that spill all the fucking way down a sidebar.
10. Long ass linky love lists. (Alliteration, though, is fun!)
Where to start?
Think of this as a how-to for all the noobs out there who don't know this stuff yet.
Don't do them. You won't make dick from them, and they make you look stupid. Some folks in the blogosphere don't need any help in this regard, y'know?
Clean them the fuck up. If you don't want to change your template, do this:
a. Create a post on your blog with your entire list o' links. Publish it.
b. Go to "edit posts" on blogger or whatever the equivalent is on your blogging platform.
c. View the post you've just created.
d. Copy the link to that post.
e. Put that link in your sidebar under "Linky Love" or "blog roll" or "People I'd like to verbally fuck up."
Whee! You've just cleaned 17 inches off of your sidebar.
Use a drop-down format that you can find here. Whee! Another 5 inches, gone like the wind, bullseye!
Do you like twitter? Then fucking learn from it. Learn that brevity is the soul of wit, so shut the fuck up. Keep your posts trimmed, edited, tidy, and actually readable. If you wrote good posts, you wouldn't need twitter.
Use the same strategy shown above to deal with the blogroll. Put your flickr photos on that page and/or create 2 or 3 photo pages and rotate the photos of yourself. We don't really want to see that much of you, dear myspace generation.
If you would, darling, do you think you could limit yourself, to, oh, I don't know, 5 or 6? That would, of course, require you to actually put some thought into these categories, and create several broad, entertaining ones, and you know, shit like that. But, you know, real bloggers DO that sort of thing.
Fucking edit yourself, bitches. I am so damn tired of posts about nothing that go on for fucking ever and practically kill my little brain. Write the post. Put it all out there. Then go through, with a mental red pen, and force yourself to trim out all of the repetition, the unnecessary phrases, the redundancies, the I's, and everything else that makes a post fucking torture to read. Do it. Choose your words. Put actual value on them. Don't just spew them out there to the blogosphere like I spewed cheap beer in the bathrooms of frat houses when I was in college. Take some time to actually craft your posts.
Until you've done this, please don't submit to us. Kthxbai.
I give today's blog a big ass
On the other hand, damn, I like this post. I may have to add it to our FAQ. Also, don't look now, but I got a wild hair up my arse and updated our top-rated blogs. Check them out.