You have got to be shitting me:
"My blog is up for review this week by Ask And Ye Shall Receive. As you can tell from any of their reviews and URL, they have a tendency to use potty talk and pull no punches, so expect a slaughter."
From all accounts I’ve gathered in my sleuthing of this analogy, anal-sex is uncomfortable, at least at first; Abandoned Stuff is the blog-equivalent of banal-sex, in which the adrenaline-gland is dry-humped by the flaccid cock of mediocrity, and, holy fucking hell, I’ll put that up against anal-sex on the "uncomfortable" scale any goddamn day of the week. In fact, though I’m not gay, I’ll take a poker in the ass just to prove this theory to myself - that’s how serious I am about my displeasure at having to sift through page upon page of sheer, unending boredom.
Look, I’m not using the word "banal" lightly here, or like some hyper-intellectualized snob sniffing down at the peasants who don’t happen to fill my glass with the varied and sumptuous wines of good writing; by any standard, save the rose-tinted glasses Saskboy must employ to read his own work, this blog is indeed "dull and unoriginal", is, actually, the very essence of the phrase "boringly ordinary and lacking in originality". Some examples:
"On Wednesday I played soccer with friends, and fortunately took a ball with me. I’m able to lift my legs on Thursday, so I’m slowly getting into better shape."
"I went to the garden yesterday, and had a beat leaf, and a radish. I also picked some rhubarb, and it’s getting turned into dumplings today, if all goes well :-)"
"I really like Canada Day. It’s fun to spend it in Regina, but I wish I could be joining my friend Jesse in Ottawa again this year. I’ll make due in the Queen City, however. I’ll watch some movies, see some live music, and avoid a sun burn. Last night I barely avoided a burn I think, and spent the dark hours of the evening watching “Arlington Road” [8/10] (for the second time in my life), with Patty."
These are just randomly culled from various posts, and they’re like the drivel that comes out of the overzealous-conversationalist with nothing to say who corners you at a dinner-party - idle-chatter just for the sake of it. For fun, I’m going to try one of these myself:
"I once ate an entire pineapple. My friend Bobby once bet me a dollar that I couldn’t jam my fist in my mouth, but when it got stuck I had to tell my mom. I like birthdays. They are special, though I’d prefer to spend money on doodads and gimcracks than on toys that nobody really needs. Peanut-butter makes my face swell. I am feeling good."
Same fucking thing, and it took me 28 seconds to write...which leads me to believe that he spends less time working on his writing than he does fidgeting with his camera to paste pictures of his goddamn vegetables online. One post is the same as the next, except for this stunning announcement that Saskboy has made the shortlist of Top Canadian Political Blogs. The excitement across Canada is palpable, a frenzied electricity crackling across the country like when Sweden broadcasts their picks for Top Grass-Cutting Blogs, or when the finalists for Top Bulgarian Accounts-Receivable Blogs are given their day in the sun.
I mean, fuck. Empty words litter these pages, and I’m becoming more and more ornery the further into this blog that I get. Abandoned Stuff is why the general population hates blogs: the mundane minutiae of one’s life told so uninterestingly that a wordless post with a photo of one solitary, single piece of toast, slightly buttered, would improve the overall-tone of this thing a thousand-fold.
In the spirit of the sterilized-ambience that the colour gray brings, and because Sakboy isn’t, to my knowledge, some irredeemable asshole, he gets a colour-inverted finger, flaming:
I want the blog to kill itself with a bazooka, but maybe, reincarnated, Saskboy can put a little more effort into the crafting of his new blog which isn’t, in any way, related to Abandoned Things; the writing’s kind of important on a blog, dude, so, maybe, I dunno, focus on it?