Thursday, July 10, 2008

Potty Talk?


You have got to be shitting me:

"My blog is up for review this week by Ask And Ye Shall Receive. As you can tell from any of their reviews and URL, they have a tendency to use potty talk and pull no punches, so expect a slaughter."

From all accounts I’ve gathered in my sleuthing of this analogy, anal-sex is uncomfortable, at least at first; Abandoned Stuff is the blog-equivalent of banal-sex, in which the adrenaline-gland is dry-humped by the flaccid cock of mediocrity, and, holy fucking hell, I’ll put that up against anal-sex on the "uncomfortable" scale any goddamn day of the week. In fact, though I’m not gay, I’ll take a poker in the ass just to prove this theory to myself - that’s how serious I am about my displeasure at having to sift through page upon page of sheer, unending boredom.

Look, I’m not using the word "banal" lightly here, or like some hyper-intellectualized snob sniffing down at the peasants who don’t happen to fill my glass with the varied and sumptuous wines of good writing; by any standard, save the rose-tinted glasses Saskboy must employ to read his own work, this blog is indeed "dull and unoriginal", is, actually, the very essence of the phrase "boringly ordinary and lacking in originality". Some examples:

"On Wednesday I played soccer with friends, and fortunately took a ball with me. I’m able to lift my legs on Thursday, so I’m slowly getting into better shape."

"I went to the garden yesterday, and had a beat leaf, and a radish. I also picked some rhubarb, and it’s getting turned into dumplings today, if all goes well :-)"

"I really like Canada Day. It’s fun to spend it in Regina, but I wish I could be joining my friend Jesse in Ottawa again this year. I’ll make due in the Queen City, however. I’ll watch some movies, see some live music, and avoid a sun burn. Last night I barely avoided a burn I think, and spent the dark hours of the evening watching “Arlington Road” [8/10] (for the second time in my life), with Patty."

These are just randomly culled from various posts, and they’re like the drivel that comes out of the overzealous-conversationalist with nothing to say who corners you at a dinner-party - idle-chatter just for the sake of it. For fun, I’m going to try one of these myself:

"I once ate an entire pineapple. My friend Bobby once bet me a dollar that I couldn’t jam my fist in my mouth, but when it got stuck I had to tell my mom. I like birthdays. They are special, though I’d prefer to spend money on doodads and gimcracks than on toys that nobody really needs. Peanut-butter makes my face swell. I am feeling good."

Same fucking thing, and it took me 28 seconds to write...which leads me to believe that he spends less time working on his writing than he does fidgeting with his camera to paste pictures of his goddamn vegetables online. One post is the same as the next, except for this stunning announcement that Saskboy has made the shortlist of Top Canadian Political Blogs. The excitement across Canada is palpable, a frenzied electricity crackling across the country like when Sweden broadcasts their picks for Top Grass-Cutting Blogs, or when the finalists for Top Bulgarian Accounts-Receivable Blogs are given their day in the sun.

I mean, fuck. Empty words litter these pages, and I’m becoming more and more ornery the further into this blog that I get. Abandoned Stuff is why the general population hates blogs: the mundane minutiae of one’s life told so uninterestingly that a wordless post with a photo of one solitary, single piece of toast, slightly buttered, would improve the overall-tone of this thing a thousand-fold.

In the spirit of the sterilized-ambience that the colour gray brings, and because Sakboy isn’t, to my knowledge, some irredeemable asshole, he gets a colour-inverted finger, flaming:



I want the blog to kill itself with a bazooka, but maybe, reincarnated, Saskboy can put a little more effort into the crafting of his new blog which isn’t, in any way, related to Abandoned Things; the writing’s kind of important on a blog, dude, so, maybe, I dunno, focus on it?

172 comments:

  1. Slagging off your countryman? Isn't that treason?

    You know what I like? A cup of milky lukewarm tea and a rocket and American cheese sandwich while I watch Antiques Roadshow. Sometimes the rocket is a bit too zesty, however, so I just stick with the cheese singles.

    That's what this blog is like - Canadian cheese singles.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It reads like, I don't know, like maybe his lithium dosage is a tad too high. Possibly numb from the neck up? You can tell he's probably a good guy, but something killed his creativity.

    Screw it, I can't even lie to myself about it. The dude is DULL. I'm terribly afraid this may be the best he has, guys.

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  3. I've abandoned this blog. Utterly.

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  4. Canada: Stop exporting, plz. Sorry, NJ, but this type of shit makes me want to go buy a Bryan Adams album. And listen to it.

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  5. At least you people can get away from it - I live in a place where people are proud of fucking Alanis Morissette & Avril Lavigne.

    "Neil Young?" I say, hopefully.

    "Who? Oh, you mean Sum 41?" they reply, directly before I throw myself off a bridge.

    Sorry; that should read "directly before I throw them off a bridge".

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  6. "They" assigned a Canadian explicitly? "They" were probably afraid they couldn't get their heads around the Canadian blogging experience, eh? ;-)

    Yes, I agree my blog's been bland as of late. I haven't had many moose stroll through the back yard, and no families who fell through the ice got rescued in the last few weeks. I'll do my best to clean up my bANALity for you especially :-D Would you like some rhubarb crisp?

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  7. Somebody get a note to the mewling crybabies we've had wailing & moaning as of late: take a look at Saskboy's response to his review, and shut your collective fucking mouths.

    Good on you, Saskboy. Now, all you have to do is euthanize your blog...

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  8. "They" assigned a Canadian explicitly? "They" were probably afraid they couldn't get their heads around the Canadian blogging experience, eh? ;-)

    Actually, we are a multi-national crew. But, I think the boredom might have killed off the Americans. NJ is the only one with enough innate resistance to the banality of Canuckistan to be able to handle it.

    There really is a serious sucking sound from up north most of the time. You're lucky you have NJ to provide a shining example that not all Canuckistanians are boring fucks who write about curling.

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  9. I think they must feed y'all a non-stop diet of Avril, Shania, and Celine as toddlers in order to enable you to tolerate the drab insulated dullness of daily life in Canada without offing yourselves.

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  10. Surprisingly, I've never quite thought about it in those terms, but I think you're right: I am, indeed, the greatest thing about Canada.

    Many thanks for helping me to this realization, Bites; I shall send you a Nelly Furtado CD to destroy at your leisure.

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  11. Love Bites, I can only hope you visit Canada one day so that your eyes are opened to the land of beaver tails, and loonies.

    "You're lucky you have NJ to provide a shining example that not all Canuckistanians are boring fucks who write about curling."

    Silly multi-national, curling isn't in season in July. It's CFL time.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Don't completely hate on Canada, I mean, they gave us Kids in the Hall and Trailer Park Boys.

    Even fucking all-American Jack Bauer is a dirty pucklover, 'eh?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Look, I like hockey and hot lesbians just as much as the next guy, I just wish Canada would stick to their guns. More hockey and lesbians, plz.

    ReplyDelete
  14. CFL?

    Canadians Farting Loudly?
    Canuckistanians Fetching Lollypops?
    Canaweenies Fucking Live?

    Nah, that last one is way too interesting to be on Canadian television.

    ReplyDelete
  15. p.s. Lies bloggers tell themselves,

    "I'm not usually this boring."

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hockey's as gay as lesbianism.

    Also, though I'm not backing off of my proclamation of "Nutjobber is the Greatest Canadian", we did manage to spawn both Phil Hartman & basketball.

    CFL: Curtly Fucking Lions. I mean, how else would you fuck a lion?

    ReplyDelete
  17. I don't think being 'coy' would be an option when bedding a lion.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Canachuckles Frolicking Liberally

    (Freaking socialists)

    ReplyDelete
  19. When lions fuck, do they do so unsheathed?

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  20. All I know is, I blame Canada. But the bacon's not bad.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Re: lions, coitus is brief and perfunctory.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Conservatives Fighting Liberalism.

    ...And just 'cause we got Bush-Lite in power up here, think of it as nothing more then a temporary lapse in Canadian judgment; Christ, it took the incumbent liberal Prime Minister accepting bribes for the conservatives to win the next election, and, even then, they won by a margin as slight as your typical-conservative's hold on reality...

    Burn, Bites? Ooooh, burn.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Like gonorrhea, that really must burn.

    @Calamity: I guess that would make you the duty expert.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I think my fanny's stinging.

    I don't think I've ever seen an unsheathed lion penis.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Question:

    In Canada, do restrooms say, "Potty Room" on the doors?

    ReplyDelete
  26. So, you have seen a sheathed lion penis. I am so not going back to the zoo. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Wait, they have restrooms? Not just holes in the ice?

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  28. I think the bathrooms have signs like "Remember our good neighbours to the south".

    ReplyDelete
  29. I do love some beaver.

    I think this guy could be a genius.

    This is like a Ricky Gervais take on a blog, no?

    ReplyDelete
  30. Bathrooms in Canada are just the same as you've got in the Americas, folks - the little inuit-fellow who hands you a pair of snowshoes while you exchange pleasantries, usually culminating in an awkward "how aboot those Leafs, eh?" Then, it's on to the bacon-eating circle-jerk while watching Catherine O'Hara & Eugene Levy make-out in A Mighty Wind.

    It's the same in Canada as it is everywhere else, you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Keywork:

    I've seen an unsheathed giant tortoise penis at the zoo. You know what's really fun? Explaining to your children, and the grandparents, what those two turtles are doing, exactly.

    And the noises...

    *shudder*

    ReplyDelete
  32. This is the guy that never gets laid because he can't get past the friend stage. "Hey, I'll make you a Rhubarb pie and we can watch 28 Days. Do you want to see my radish?"

    milquetoast

    ReplyDelete
  33. FFun, you can fantasize all you want about my radishes, but you'll have to stick to playing with your beautiful California Girls, I'm spoken for.

    I must say, I'm a little disappointed in all the Canada cliche stuff going on in the comments here. You'd think y'all had never talked about a lion in a condom before.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Did a Canadian just say "y'all"?

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  35. Sask, what are you talking aboot? Condoms? I meant claws.

    Potty mouth.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Condom isn't potty talk, silly.

    What, you don't teach your lions safe sex in America?

    ReplyDelete
  37. That was a low blow. You know the state of our education system down here.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Our lions are known for extravagant carelessness. They're the cause for feline HIV.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Our lions could totally kick Canadian Lion ass. You like apples?

    ReplyDelete
  40. Canada is like Narnia, right?

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  41. Canada is like Narnia, right?

    Only in that both have currency more valuable than the American dollar. THAT was a low blow (and also right now not true, as the C$ is a bit below the greenback).

    ReplyDelete
  42. No, Narnia is real, and Canada is just this mythical land where lions practice safe sex, everyone wears flannel, the policemen are mounted, and men with thick, naughtily arched eyebrows write fancy diatribes on boring blogs.

    ReplyDelete
  43. You see, you NEARLY pulled that off.

    Apologising for the nice slagging off of yankland ruined it.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Oh oh, I was called boring again. If I keep being insulted by people on the Internet, I might start to get my feelings hurt.

    "Apologising for the nice slagging off of yankland ruined it."

    Sorry, my turn to buy into Canadian cliches, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  45. The U.S. once conquered Canada with a troop of girl scouts, but we kept it on the down low so the Canadians wouldn't cry.

    ReplyDelete
  46. They were really pissed when they discovered the only oil to be had was on Celine Dion's face.

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  47. What with their floppy heads and beady eyes and such.

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  48. Andy crazy mispronunciation. Get your own language.

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  49. "Girl scouts?" I thought they were called "draft-dodgers".

    Either way, you shouldn't have left so many flags over here; by the time we ran out, we had to start burning our own to keep warm.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I once asked a guy in Buffalo to define "sentimental" for me, and he said, "oh, that means you're half-crazy."

    ReplyDelete
  51. Yeah, I'll get right on that own language thing, since ENGLISH seems to be taken by ... Australians.

    I'll make a deal. When Michigonians stop saying "ruff" for "roof", Americans will stop mishearing "about" as "aboot"?

    ==

    "The U.S. once conquered Canada with a troop of girl scouts, but we kept it on the down low so the Canadians wouldn't cry."

    I guess you missed how chocolate lady Laura Secord single handedly gave the American invaders their butts wrapped in foil and called them Kisses. Thus was born both the expression "kiss your ass goodbye", and the famous Hershey's Kisses. Unfortunately Girl Scouts had more experience with unhealthy junk food. You can't blame Canada for liking the trans fat.

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  52. I nodded off during that last comment...

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  53. Buffalo? The stupid leaked over from Canada and infected him.

    Mississippians have no such excuse, however.

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  54. I thought the sentimental were half-crazy?

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  55. We are a leaky people...hell, that stupid in Buffalo actually slid all the way from Quebec.

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  56. How the hell did it survive the Falls? Stupid is resilient.

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  57. So it's French slipping in. I thought that shit was quarantined in Quebec. It'd be easier for Buffalo if you could be a soft-skulled peoples, like the Swiss.

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  58. Ah, the Swiss: if blond-hair was money they'd rule the world... but if stupid was cash, it'd be all Buffalo, baby.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Know who else is stupid? New Mexico.

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  60. They make some damn good wings up there, though.

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  61. New Mexico's stupid leaked up from Mexico. But Cal is right, Mississippi's belongs to Mississippi.

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  62. Alaska's full of dummies, and the Japanese couldn't think themselves out of a cardboard box... and don't even get me started on Trinidadians.

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  63. Don't get me started on the thick fucking Irish

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  64. I have heard Mississippi referred to as "America's Crotch".

    True?

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  65. True, Jubblies. Alabama is its gall bladder. And El Paso is its armpit.

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  66. Dunno about America's crotch, but if the states needed colonic irrigation, it's where they'd shove the hose...

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  67. Rio de Janeiro was voted "Armpit of the Universe" last year, and Winnipeg is changing its name to "Fuckwit City" and filling its town-square with custard and troglodytic children educated in North Dakota.

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  68. It's unfortunate I didn't see your comment, Calamity, before I made-up the "Armpit of the Universe" award.

    Shit.

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  69. Florida: The Herpes on America's Shlong.

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  70. Here in Chicago, we're all tits.

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  71. Doncha think Rio seems more like the Crotch-Pit of the Universe...

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  72. Florida chafes and is so moist. Not to mention that smell of oranges and corruption.

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  73. I feel great pride in being a resident of America's taint.

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  74. Rio is the Athlete's foot-infested big toe of the universe.

    ReplyDelete
  75. I'm not sure whether I should let y'all amuse yourselves, or interject some more to see what comes of it.

    I've reviewed your review by the way. Enjoy. Or not.

    ReplyDelete
  76. "y'all" ?

    you must be from Southern Canada then....

    ReplyDelete
  77. Oooh, goody: I LOVE review-reviews.

    ReplyDelete
  78. I give your review-review a "meh".

    If, however, you had just literally posted a picture of a slighty-buttered piece of toast, it would have been KILLER.

    Instead, meh.

    ReplyDelete
  79. Sask, I would have liked your blog a smidge more had that little green plant-y thing behind your head been weed. I thought it was at first and was overjoyed, but sadly, it's a sad, broken little flower. Much like me now. Sad. Broken. Sober.

    ReplyDelete
  80. I was hoping for tears or some drama we could sink our collective teeth into.

    Your blog = styrofoam. I've said it before, but never was it more true.

    ReplyDelete
  81. And nice - don't foget nice, Calamity.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Laurie Kendrick, for instance, sucks almost as much at blogging as you do, but she was at least able to stir up some damn fine drama.

    ReplyDelete
  83. Who else can we pick on?

    Where's Xbox?

    ReplyDelete
  84. Calamity is the nicest of the not-nice.

    ReplyDelete
  85. Laurie Kendrick sucks almost as bad as Olympia, Washington.

    ReplyDelete
  86. Surely by now that goes without saying. I mean, obviously I'm nice. And easy.

    ReplyDelete
  87. God, this week has made me nostalgic for both Laurie AND George. Laurie's drama spilled over onto at least 4 ADDITIONAL blogs. That's some hard shit to top right there.

    And, we got keywork out of the proposition too, which kinda owns.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Shit, Laurie Kendrick sucks as hard as BREMERTON, Washington.

    And that's some hard suckee right there.

    ReplyDelete
  89. Calamity,

    You're so damn nice & easy that butterflies shoot out of your ass during sex.

    You're so damn nice & easy that you have a hair color named after you.

    Hee!

    ReplyDelete
  90. THAT'S where Keywork came from?

    Holy shit - talk about finding a gold-nugget in a steaming, heaping, self-glorifying, diseased pile of grade-A, top-of-the-line horseshit.

    ReplyDelete
  91. I've been here popping up every 20 comments or so but you've just ignored me.

    Bastards.

    ReplyDelete
  92. "you must be from Southern Canada then...."

    90% of us are, including me.
    I prefer to think of myself as more of a westerner though. And I'm laying the y'alls on you thick because you seem to like it, even though I only type it and never say it.

    Nutjobber, you try finding a photo of "slightly" buttered toast on the Internet, then I'll accept your "Meh" at face value.

    ==

    Calamity, you're not the first person confused by the partial prairie lily. Why do you like pot more than flowers?

    ReplyDelete
  93. The butterflies are a neat trick, aren't they? Right up there with the swirly tongue.

    ReplyDelete
  94. Calamity's so nice that she thinks in rainbows and burps the Sesame Street theme-song.

    ReplyDelete
  95. Yes, Keywork came here to chastize us for being big meanies to Laurie, and never left.

    Heh.

    ReplyDelete
  96. Seriously, Cal, I wish I had butterfly butt. All that ever comes out of my butt during sex is...

    Oh, nevermind.

    ReplyDelete
  97. This blog angered me greatly. Here's the thing: I've done my time in Saskatchewan. I married into it, I lived there for 5 years, there is a really really good chance Saskboy and I have some mutual acquaintances. Dude, that place is chock fucking full of interesting shit. Take your pick: a town called Climax, a chocolate milk called Vico with a rabidly loyal fan base, a town on the border that put up giant horse ankle bone as their town symbol (at night, when it's lit from the inside, it looks EXACTLY like a giant penis). For god's sakes, if you're really hard up, there's the farmer who stalked Anne Murray.

    Saskatchewan is the Arkansas of Canada. The humor is right fricking there, waiting for you to exploit it. And you choose to do nothing with it. I am now making the internationally recognized throat sound of disgust (loosely translated, it comes out as "ghaw!", but with more phlegm).

    ReplyDelete
  98. Hmmmm, potty talk.

    I have to defend my fellow Saskatchewanikan your bubble-eyed clunt of a reviewer reviewed, well, predictably. I don't know what it is about blogs like "Ask And Ye Shall Receive" that makes me believe we are all gathering to hear the four horsemen of the apocalypse fast approaching. I make this comment because it occurs to me that reviewers at this skid mark of a blog *Ask And Ye Shall Receive" have less than nothing better to do than embrace their inner emo or worse, abuse solvents - perhaps it is in the act of solvent abuse that reviewers find nirvana. God knows they'd have to get out of their mother's basements long enough to let the sun bring some color to their pale emo skin, but no, can't do that - gotta bitch slap another blog, conduct another review in which they transpose their own laughable self loathing on the rest of the world.

    Perhaps it is a statement on the decline of our culture - we gather in throngs to watch reality television shows that celebrate the absolute worst aspects of humanity and we call that entertainment. Perhaps it is because people like reviewers at "Ask and Ye Shall Receive" come from fatherless homes, or maybe "mommy threatened to cut it off" a bit too much if they kept touching themselves during the salad days of pre-adolescence. I will close my review of Ask And Ye Shall Receive's review of Abandoned Stuff By Saskboy by affirming their right to pollute cyberspace with a thousand and one ways to say "fuck" "shit stain" or "homo" because I'm a democratic kinda guy. It's important that sites like this exist - to remind us of what our culture has become in it's dying hours.

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  99. Calamity is so nice that fairies sprinkle pixie dust on her keyboard when she's blogging.

    She's so nice that you can lick her words right off the screen and they taste like bubblegum.

    ReplyDelete
  100. Bites, you were going to say lube, weren't you? No?

    ReplyDelete
  101. @ Darwin:

    In the taint of the U.S., we pronounce that sound as Pshaw, with emphasis on the p.

    ReplyDelete
  102. Butterscotch lube, to be specific.

    hahahahahahha

    ReplyDelete
  103. Did you call me a "clunt"?

    What's a "clunt"?

    ReplyDelete
  104. Wait! I nearly missed it!

    Skatch has brought us a troll. A really nice, long-winded troll.

    Ah, Skatch. You shouldn't have, but I'm so damn glad you did! Hostess gifts are the best.

    ReplyDelete
  105. A clunt is skaska speak for pussy, which he ain't getting.

    ReplyDelete
  106. All right, so, what - are you auditioning for a spot among the elite, Grumpy Gus, or what?

    Glad you spent so much time missing the point, though; must really burn you up inside to get to all that effort and have it come off as making no difference whatsoever.

    It's okay; I forgive you.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Four horsemen? Can I be Conquest? Please? She has the best outfit.

    ReplyDelete
  108. Passes the solvent to reviewers of Ask And Ye Shall Receive:

    "None for me thanks, I haven't lived in my mom's basement since 1985."

    ReplyDelete
  109. prayingtodarwin are you talking to me, or the Ask crew?

    If to me, you need to do more than skim the first page of my blog.

    Grumpy, thanks for the defense, but it's alright, I asked for the review and whatever came of it, I'm just having fun, no hurt feelings, really.

    ReplyDelete
  110. >>Grumpy, thanks for the defense, but it's alright, I asked for the review and whatever came of it, I'm just having fun, no hurt feelings, really.<<

    Rider pride, ya bastard. Also, are you having problems with weeds (the legal kind) in your garden this year - it's bad in the Toon.

    ReplyDelete
  111. Is it just me, did Grumpy Voter aptly name himself?

    ReplyDelete
  112. yes, he hasn't missed a ballot since 1976

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  113. Oh, woe; woe is me!

    Say hello to the apocalypse for me, gramps. I'll be too busy slitting my wrists in my mother's basement while I curse my alcholoic father for beating me into submission lo those many pain-filled years ago...can you even believe I have the emotional wherewithal to live after such a loathsome & traumatic upbringing?

    Thank GOD I have shitty blogs to rip on; at least then I have somewhere for this massive swelling of self-hate to go.

    [slits wrist; shakes fist into sky; with his final breath:]

    "Curse you, Grampa Voter! I've seen the light too laaaaaate!"

    [dead]

    ReplyDelete
  114. I think people might be surprised if they knew who we really were and what we really did. I know my uncle was surprised when he found out I was really Vicki Stubing. He kept bothering me for cruise tickets after that.

    Wait... what's this solvent doing here?

    ReplyDelete
  115. I’m actually a transsexual from the Cayman Islands who irritates old people with my gum-chewing.

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  116. Y'know, he did tell me that his mother was a hot piece of ass.

    Good to know, Xbox; I'll try and disregard what Van Morrison tells me from now on...

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  117. I can't deny, I AM past my best.

    Well, wouldn't you be, raising that grumpy fucker?

    ReplyDelete
  118. Jesus, I'm late. Yes, I came over here from Laurieville, Her and Bagel told me I should blog, so I listened. I got over here and well, I think I spend more time here than anywhere else. So, now that I am here:
    @Grumpy Voter: Fuck you. There.

    ReplyDelete
  119. Fuck raising him - I'm trying to figure out what part of your body that you squeezed him out from.

    ReplyDelete
  120. Also, I just saw Rassles face. I want to mount it.

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  121. Suffice it to say, I now have only one hole down there.

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  122. "Also, are you having problems with weeds (the legal kind) in your garden this year - it's bad in the Toon."

    Probably will soon, it's raining a lot. Finally! Until now I've had no trouble keeping up to them, and the skeeters have been bearable even. No one's even croaked from or caught WNV this year.

    ReplyDelete
  123. So, what do we got here:

    Vicki Stubing
    A transsexual from the Caymans
    Van Morrison's mother
    A raccoon

    That, friends, is a pretty rad fucking crew.

    ReplyDelete
  124. Saskboy & Grampa Voter having a conversation, in their own inimitable way, on OUR site?

    Folks, we just hit the motherfucking jackpot.

    ReplyDelete
  125. @NJ: a raccoon mounting Rassles' face.

    ReplyDelete
  126. Jubblies, they're conversing about gardening. On our site. And not even naked, midget, bukkake gardening, either. The gall. The utter cheek!

    ReplyDelete
  127. Oh, good, he gardens. That means he has a shovel. Which means he can bury that heap of fertilizer he calls a blog.

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  128. Seriously, Cal: they are talking about the weather.

    Online.

    And OUR site is "polluting cyberspace"?

    Hey, fellas: hot enough for ya? Y'know, it's not the heat, it's the stupidity...

    ReplyDelete
  129. I think GV's knee must be a'swellin.

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  130. "Smells lack ray-in, don't it?"

    "Nah, graym-pa - that's yer gain-green actin' up."

    "Well sheee-oot, boy - yer right, ain'tcha?"

    ReplyDelete
  131. I'm fixinta mosey down to the saloon for a nahce sarsparilla.

    ReplyDelete
  132. Hey, it's always important to live up to expectations set by peers.

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  133. "Hey, where's momma at, grampa?"

    "Well, I buried 'er in the garden, boy."

    "Shoot - why'd ja do that?"

    "I was tryin' to grow myself another one for a three-sum, but she's startin' t'stink down there, ain't she?"

    "Ain't nothin' but carrots growin' down there, grampy."

    "Ah, well...she'd prolly only grow a li'l bit anyway."

    "Yup - a li'l bit o'momma'll do you no good, huh grampy?"

    "What? Boy, you're gonna tell me that a buck & a quarter ain't better than no single dollar?"

    "I guess I dint think it through, gramps."

    "Sometimes, boy, I think you need your head examined, thinkin' like a muffin-head like that. Your momma thought like a muffin-head too, and see what it got 'er?"

    "A slow death in a shallow-grave, pappy?"

    "Yer darn tootin'."

    ReplyDelete
  134. Key: mmmmrrrf mrfmn.
    NJ: I fucking hate you, because now in my head I have images flashing through like this going through my head.

    Goddamn transsexual Caymanites.

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  135. You should apply that idea to your writing. Or any idea for that matter.

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  136. I would be more entertaining, then, wouldn't I?

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  137. Ok, my last comment was directed at Shasta. Or whatever his name is.

    @Rass: You can hum, right? I love fridays.

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  138. I need to correct my fantastic sentence structure.

    "I fucking hate you, because now I have images like this flashing through my head."

    What the hell is my problem? I need comment editor.

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  139. I rarely say this, Rassles, but some things are better left alone.

    A gangrenous nutsack, for instance, and the icepick of horror that the image has shoved into my brain...that was scarier than that picture of Flutter's massive cranium, and who would've thought we'd say that this week, huh?

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  140. Yeah, I enjoy Rassle's structure and overall willingness to be flirty with raccoons.

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  141. It's a slippery slope though, Key: once you go 'coon, you never go back.

    ...That's how the saying goes, isn't it?

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  142. Wasn't it, "Once you go 'coon you never get poon -- because of the rabies"? No?

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  143. "Once you've got rabies, forget about making babies."

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  144. NJ had it right.
    @Calamity: I'm disappointed that you are falling back on 'rabies' quips.

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  145. Or: If you have rabies, expect your children to foam at the mouth and fear water.

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  146. That a raccoon's life, isn't it Key: always with the rabies jokes.

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  147. Is "rabia" a word? I'm desperate to rhyme something with "labia".

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  148. I'm disappointed, too. So disappointed, in fact, that I'm going to force myself to watch Cujo and a mea culpa.

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  149. AS a mea culpa, I mean. Jesus, editors don't know shit.

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  150. Yeah, I've been searching for a word that rhymes with 'labia' since I got my stripes.
    @Calamity: You do that. I'll be digging through your garbage.

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  151. Flavor-flavia?

    Yugo-slave-ia?

    Maybea pun?

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  152. I don't mean to "dissuade-a-ya" but I gotta run.

    Peace out, munchkins.

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  153. labia
    maybe a
    bitch to rhyme.

    And for uterus
    you'd have to use a puter, plus
    what rhymes with penis?
    I think I feel it between us.

    But cervix is harder.

    p.s. In real life, I'm Florida's (secretly gay) (secretly an oompaloompa) Governor.

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  154. I've got a sure fix for cervix: the first half of this sentence.

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  155. Like, "I'm sure fixin' to go cervixin'."

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  156. I'm sorry ma'am, the guests prefer that you remove your cervix from the punchbowl.

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  157. You don't have to rhyme with labia when you live in Regina like I do.

    Besides, you can just cheat and use your tibia.

    Shasta McKeyhole apparently would confuse Regina and labia pretty easily, given how well he can remember Sask(atchewan)Boy.

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  158. Whatevs. That's what happens when you're completely forgettable, I suppose.

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  159. Also, do me a fave, replace your favorite grooming product with a hornets nest.

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  160. "Also, do me a fave, replace your favorite grooming product with a hornets nest."

    How about we settle on a beehive haircut for me, and ANY grooming product for you?

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  161. Whatever you say, Sparky. As long as you promise to keep bees in it.

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  162. For a snarky snob who calls me sparky? Of course.

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  163. I'm adjusting my monacle, please leave a message. Snarky snob? I say, old chap, come up with that on your own did you?

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  164. I put up another low impact blog post, just for you Nutjobber :-) Enjoy.

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  165. I just flipped through the comments here again. Good times.

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Grow a pair.