Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Torn Apart Like a Hanky at a Snot-Party


It’s another fine, frosty Canada Day here at the Nutjobber Estate, and though there is snow to be shoveled and wood to be thrown on the fire, well, these are things best left to the overall-expertise of the girlfriend, Nutjobbette; I have a blog to review, and I should get to it before the cold either fogs up my monitor or makes it too difficult to type through these geese-down gloves.

Therein lies the problem: I have no idea why The TrailerParks Farm would submit to us. On top of Ask being the place-to-be if one opts to have their blog fucking torn apart, I, personally, am suffering from a knot in my left calf that feels like a fist fitted with brass-knuckles pushing through the fine, put-upon fibres of my poor, poor leg-muscle; combine that with the sub-zero temperatures of Canada, and you’ve got yourself a mean-ass reviewer with little to no patience.

Firstly, it looks awful: The text-size is so massive that even if someone managed to shrink it down to the point where the entire blog could be grafted onto the head of a pin, I would still be able to read it, unaided, from the furthest reaches of outer-space; the colours chosen, if twisted in a blender, would resemble spewed stomach-bile from the diseased-innards of a three-legged weasel afflicted with late-stage bowel-cancer; the blank, endless space at the bottom of the blog made me feel as though I was staring into a void of such abrupt nothingness that fear gripped the back of my neck like the cold, dead hands of a demon who had finally come to collect that soul I promised him years ago. Yes, there are widgets & sidebar clutter, serious no-no’s, but they’re like graffiti on a condemned-building: the whole thing needs to be blown up, so why sweat the small stuff?

Secondly, the content is reminiscent of those year-end Christmas cards written, presumably, to update an extended family on recent happenings, pictures provided; this, for example, was written so breathlessly that I want to send them an oxygen-mask, and I can’t even begin to comprehend what this means:

"Olin has been the best moral support to me this last year, whenever I need a pick me up, he's only a click away, and nothing makes you feel better than name calling and ugly face with a ten year old boy."

Good gravy, I just read that sentence to Nutjobbette, and she shrieked and chased me around the house swinging an iron-plated cross; she might have said something about castration, but I managed to quell the uprising with an electric-blanket and the idea that she go salt the ice on the front steps.

I can’t, in good conscience, risk another attack by posting more links; this blog is unfit for public-consumption, and, as such, gets a almost solely because the act of reading it aloud brought terror and shame upon the entire Nutjobber clan.

35 comments:

  1. Yeah, um, fuck that blog. It's worse than most.

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  2. While is is absolutely nothing new, I have to say, I'm confused.

    Is it okay to bag on the blog when it appears that Grampy has just passed over to the other side?

    Because if it is not, we might appear to be immense assholes.

    Although, I think the appearance around these parts is always of immense assholiness.

    Take it how you want. I'm not even sure how I mean it. Thus the disclaimer of confusion.

    I mean, how would dear, old Grampy feel if he knew?

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  3. The way I went about it was to notify her on the post before the announcement of his passing.

    Unfortunately, though, Grampy's death has no bearing on my feelings towards the blog overall.

    It is sad, yes, and I am an incontrovertible asshole, but so be it.

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  4. I always thought you were kind to me because my father was fighting cancer (and narcissism) it's good to know that you really do adore me.

    The narcissism appears to have NOT skipped a generation.

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  5. Hey,this has nothing to do with that blog, except that it will never appear on the list, but when are you guys going to update the top-rated blogs? I need to know who to like.

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  6. Is doo-doo brown the new black? The 2 Hyped Brothers will be so pleased.

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  7. I think I like this one. She seems sweet and stream of consciousy. But I feel bad, because sometimes I'm laughing at her...ah, fuck it, I don't feel bad.

    Every time she mentions poodles in a serious post I giggle. Because poodles are funny.

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  8. I dunno, I fucking like it!

    Racoons dude! I think they could be fucked up cats though.

    Nutjobber, you are a miserable bastard.

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  9. They truly are cats, and though I misspoke before (I am UN-miserable), I am, also truly, a bastard.

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  10. I think he meant racoons are fucked up miserable cat bastards.

    And Calamity - perhaps we can start a new movement.

    Doo is the new Don't - Or some shit.

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  11. Okay, so I am the person who is charged with updating that list, and the last two months have been a veritable shitstorm at work, and it is finally over, and I'm taking a bit of a breather now, and getting back to myself. And yeah, I'll update that list when I get around to it.

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  12. I feel very guilty that each time one of you mentions "Grampy" I'm choking with glee. This might be my favorite review ever.

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  13. Besides the oversize font and the widgets, what ticked me off about this one was the lack of formatting. We've seen Nutter and Co. tear apart blogs with crap editing, typos et al. But what about bloggers who forget the concept of a paragraph! If it ain't gonna be a haiku, don't make it look like one.

    (And my condolences re: Grampy, Mrs. Parks. My gramps and yours seem to have the same birthday...mine's moved on as well)

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  14. I feel bad knocking it in light of the grandfather issue, by the way, condolences, but this is the biggest piece of boring my eyes have ever read.

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  15. Mr. Crowley:

    "If it ain't gonna be a haiku, don't make it look like one."

    Well said, sir.

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  16. All I could think, after reading that blog, was, "wtf." I couldn't even begin to offer advice. I'm just glad it was you, and not me.

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  17. I can't believe you lot seriously didn't like it...

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  18. I like it too! She's cute and sweet and seems to be honestly nice. . . perhaps I'm fascinated by the differences between us. Hey, where did you see raccoons? I saw skunks, and skunks are actually pretty adorable.

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  19. Maybe it's epilepsy, but constantly-moving slideshow-photos and ill-crafted writing do not a pleasant-experience make.

    I've seen hieroglyphics carved into the flesh of a rat that were more readable than this.

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  20. But she's so likable, and...pastoral. It's refreshing.

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  21. Who drugged Rassles and Cal? Did y'all recently go on prozac or something?

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  22. Why wasn't I included in your drug-slam-fest?

    You mean to say I'm expected to like this shit?

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  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  24. Shit. I accidentally deleted.

    In the words of A.A. Milne, "It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"”

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  25. Sometimes.

    Hold on, let me polish my monocle.

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  26. Well, Calamity is generally just a nice person and hates saying mean things about anyone. And you, Xbox, are pretty damn happy dappy, too.

    But, I expect MUCH more snarkiness from Rassles. Wtf?

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  27. Happy dappy?

    How very fucking dare you.

    You should see me stoned.

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  28. You said it was 'pastoral', Rassles. You've GOT to be stoned.

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  29. I'm on happy medication and I still didn't like this. In fact, the blog made me want to hurt myself a little.

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Grow a pair.