Thursday, August 14, 2008

Cry Me a Fucking River, Will Ya?

Disclaimer: I freely admit that I am no judge of poetry. My favorite poets are Dr. Seuss and Bilbo Baggins. Therefore, I am not passing judgment on Amber's poetry. Thus ends the disclaimer. Back to the your regularly scheduled bloodletting review:

____________________________________________________________

After receiving this blog assignment, I found myself pondering this question: Why do we blog?

Some Possible Answers:

A.
To better ourselves or our fellowman
B. To present news, comedy or address social issues
C. To generate income via ads or porn
D. To find an outlet for the sucking pit of our own self-absorption


If the correct answer is "D", then Gould Mourn is the quicker-picker-upper of them all.

Exhibit A:
An IBM Selectric could pound out a better template.



Meet Amber, serial review seeker and the author of this mournful site. It involves a template which doesn't even try to be interesting. No problem, because even the best template couldn't offset this dismal content. Her photography tries to be cutting edge and just comes off as creepy, for the most part. I did, however, like this photo.

Amber forces us to use a monthly calendar, rather than archives, to dig into her site. Funny, I didn't think that there was anything that I would hate as much as archives which dribble down the sidebar for miles. There you have it. I hate the calendars even more. Random hits on this navigational nightmare brought up gloomy posts, poetry, twenty freaking pages of twitter transcripts and some fairly horrible photos.


Exhibit B:
I twitter, therefore I am...pathetic.


If depression is your thing, then this blog's for you. Now, don't get me wrong, a little depression can be interesting to read about, but this writer kills my interest level by just being a whiny-ass baby about everything.


Exhibit C:
Now, act depressed. That's perfect, hold that look.


Amber, sweetheart, if your life sucks so badly, do something about it. Get off the fucking computer and go play outside. Take some Vitamin D for God's sake. Coming to us for a review will not help your depression, in fact, I'm pretty sure that it will just make it worse. See a doctor. Seriously. Depression is like cancer that eats away at your soul. Get some help.

I think that the premise of us following you through your thirtieth year might be interesting, that is, if your life wasn't one big ass suck. Folks, this is teenage angst in the body of a thirty-year old woman. She's an emo-wannabe, poem-writing crybaby, who just refuses to grow up. She needs to stop pretending that a twenty-year depression is actually a career path to becoming a poet.

I don't want to twitter with you or view your myspace. I don't wanna see your facebook, youtube or click ya' flicka'. I won't be joining the others who mainline your despondency. If I want to get sucked into a depression, I'll just call my bitch of a mother-in-law.

Pull your head out of your navel and get a fucking life. Twitter won't help you crawl out of your problems, but Prozac might.


Here are your ratings:

for the look and feel of your site

&



for dumping some major downers on the Mutha.

97 comments:

  1. Hell, after skimming her blog, I need Prozac.

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  2. "teenage angst in the body of a thirty-year old woman"

    "poem-writing crybaby"

    "pretending that a twenty-year depression is actually a career path to becoming a poet"

    Oh Mutha I love you, great phrasing and spot on.

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  3. Oh, Mutha. Looks like a bad week for reviewees.

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  4. Well, it's true that we can't have this much fun all the time.

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  5. You fucking murdered that review, Mutha dear - you flipped it over, spanked it, and then kicked its nose into the back of its skull. Gorgeous.

    Also, I need to slam a compliment into your mailbox for reminding me how good a word "dismal" is; I don't know how it freed itself from my vocabulary, but I've chained it up so it won't escape again...appreciado.

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  6. I've been to more uplifting funerals.

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  7. Thanks Nutsy, I'd curtsy, but that would involve hoisting my ass off of my chair. Maybe one of these days Ask will add me to their list of reviewers on the site. I may still be on probation though.

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  8. Mutha:

    This was the ass-rending of the century. I am in awe of your greatness.

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  9. Why is it that all horribly depressed individuals are Alice in Wonderland fans? Lewis Carroll was a coke fiend, not a downer junkie!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Mr. Knox sir, come now, come now,
    you don't have to be so dumb now.

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  11. Lovely one, you stole my thunder today with your awesomely ass-reaming comment post. You get a personal spanking from me after I stop laughing at the Dad gone fucking Nuclear.

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  12. I'm so sorry. I know I suck (awesomely well, though not as well as Calamity who does that little twirly thing with her tongue). I'll reverse the order of the posts. I thought about that.

    This review SO kicked muthafucking ass. It truly DESERVES the spotlight.

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  13. Okay, so I visited the site in question, and could not stop laughing, almost hysterically, about this sentence:

    felt bowel-emptying pain

    Dudes...I've felt some awesomely horrific pain, pain that had me crying for days in the fetal position.

    But, I've never felt pain bad enough that I SHAT myself.

    How hard do you have to cry, and for how long, to shit yourself? Frankly, I'd get dehydrated long before I was able to unleash grief poop.

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  14. I read that this morning and laughed so hard that I nearly spit out my coffee. She also removed the link on her sidebar that had listed her pending reviews, with a link to this site. I wonder if we will get listed on her review page?

    Now see, if we've driven her over the edge, I'll feel bad. It could wreck my mood for minutes.

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  15. Dude, she was off the edge well before she got reviewed here.

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  16. Oh, this poor, poor woman.

    That being said, you fucked that bitch up. Right now I'm creating a mental shrine to the Queen for having the stones to say what needed to be said.

    Italians write cantos about your balls.

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  17. Sometimes depressed chicks are still hot. Sometimes. Not always.

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  18. Depressed goth chicks, maybe. In fishnets and a corset.

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  19. I fucked one of those depressed, goth, fishnet types once. She was alive for sure.

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  20. unleash grief poop?

    i really don't want to stroke you because we all know what happens then but you guys are great.

    not to stroke myself(I already did that this morning) but when I get depressed, I'm still a little funny:

    The Upside of Depression

    This is the kind of chick you meet, try cheering up a little because you feel sorry for her and then end up not hanging out with 'cause she's Debbie Downer and needs to figure out how to fix her own problems.

    You know, the people that are almost asking you to abuse them a little because they are sooo needy and lack the introspection to fix their own shit.

    She didn't have good stable parents who modeled healthful coping etc., did you? I sure didn't. Depressed girl didn't corner the market on crappy childhoods.

    Go expend that whining somewhere more effective therapy? if you can't afford therapy go to Barnes and Nubile and read some books about it beeotch.

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  21. How do people like this even have any fucking readers? Who wants to read that shit on a daily basis?

    I would rather go back to my old career in horse fucking than have to read this shit.

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  22. I wish I could stroke myself right now, or maybe just start hitting the booze. Gah. One of those days.

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  23. Maybe we should set her up with the Deluded Doctor, you know, the depressed med student guy that made his blog private toot sweet, you could branch off into the

    ask and ye shall receive a compatible life partner

    what do you think? I call halfsies.

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  24. Did any of you check out her youtube? You really should actually. I shouldn't say this, I mean, I am into body acceptance and all that (for everyone but myself) but you have to see her video. YouTube Seriously.

    I had SUCH a hard time not hitting on the poems. It was like a tempting ripe berry, just hanging there waiting for me to grab it. It took tons of restraint to resist.

    ReplyDelete
  25. WOW. I think my eyes are bleeding.

    She has the biggest and saggiest boobs I have ever seen. For the first time in my life, I am happy that I don't have a huge rack.

    Damn you Queen for showing me that, damn you!

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  26. DPH- your perky boobies are quite nice. Unless you're sporting purchased ones, there are usually two options, big and a bit floppy or wee but perky. I've got big'uns and I'm so jealous of the girls who can go braless, my hubs doesn't even care about boobs, he's an assman so I'd give up the girls in a second.

    She just needs a better bra, lift those pups up where they should be.

    As for the vid-I'm not sure what to think about that.

    One part of me wants to rip it up b/c it's again, very self-involved, and it's like she's trying to convince herself of all the quotes she puts up there, but truthfully, who isn't.

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  27. FF, I can't tell you how happy it makes me to know that not only did you get up close and personal with my vagina last Saturday, but that you also noticed my rack. I think I love you.

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  28. As someone blessed with a very buxom bosom, I could recommend some rockin' bras. Seriously. Life-altering, defy all laws of physics, not your gramma's bras. Those girls will be just as perky as a co-ed on meth. Just so ya know.

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  29. When you told me you wanted to motorboat me, it really made my day.

    Nothing like a little homoerotic, girl-on-girl complimenting to turn my frown upside down.

    I'm also that girl that the nastiest, stinkiest homeless guy could say 'lookin good blondie' as I walk by and I'll turn around, flash him a big smile and say thanks. I'm a total compliment whore and validation junkie, why do you think I submitted here? Like me, like me, like me.

    ReplyDelete
  30. mountain lover, show me the goods, I'm finally back down to pre-preg boobage and I need to get some new skivvies. don't hold out on me.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I can't fucking believe I just watched that. Not the whole thing, but I actually made it halfway. I'm off to see my therapists, and ask for more meds.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Mountain lover, spill. I need to know.

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  33. Mutha - Do we have the same mother-in-law? Fucking beautiful spanking of a brat.

    And that video? Fuck. That's all. Just fuck.

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  34. I read more of her stuff and I just can't relate to people who see themselves as victims, that feigned powerlessness is such a turnoff.

    I can relate to people who are self-absorbed(clearly) but not victims, trying makes me tired.

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  35. Okay, since I have a soft spot in my heart for busty women, I'll divulge my secret.

    Unfortunately, if you're thin, then don't get your hopes up. I get mine here:

    I've found band sizes as small as a 36, and cup sizes as large as an I?! (dayam!). I'm very tall and an average 10/12 (not a plus size) and can find some decent (AND supportive-like titanium) stuff there. Balconettes, strapless, plunge, lace, and sexy non-supportive.

    I wish some of their shirts fit me because I'm sick of wearing a variant of a t-shirt all of the time.

    Oh, and I hated running/aerobics until I found this:
    since the uniboob cotton "sports bras" obviously don't do jack shit in terms of support.

    I'd love any tips you might have.

    This may sound crazy, but MAYBE- just maybe Gould Mourn's legacy here will be good support for us busty babes. That's not so bad for Gould Mourn, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  36. Is it possible that this wet rag of a blogger doesn't want perky tits? Maybe Mutha's review was the last thing she saw before she jumped off the building. Don't worry, she's safe. Her tits broke her fall.

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  37. Petite G: You are so damn wrong. And yet, so very right.

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  38. If she's seriously depressed, I hope she gets help. But I wondered after a while if the teenage angst Mutha cleverly phrased was an act.

    She seemed to take depression to a whole new level- with self-portraits, voice posts, vlogs and videos. Who does that? I don't corner the market on depression, or anything, but when I feel sad/depressed it's all I can do to get out of bed and take a shower, let alone post photos of it everywhere and ask people to review my blog.

    Almost like it's a persona to give her writing credit.

    If she drowns herself in the bathtub after this, I'm so going to hell.

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  39. I'm way ahead of you in line for that particular destination.

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  40. After all, I hated on the stay-at-home penises.

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  41. I wish I had stay at home penises.

    Ones not battery operated.

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  42. Seriously, I think this blog is a piss take.

    It can not be for real.

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  43. Ladies, if you need a stay-at-home penis, just say the word.

    Granted, I'm no NukeDad-fucktard, but I'm assuming that's a plus.

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  44. After reading this blog, I was too depressed to hyphenate.

    NJ- The word, and definitely a plus.

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  45. ml-if your comments drove her to death by hot, sudsy bath then something was going to get her eventually.

    x-sadly I think this is for realz

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  46. Shouldn't some fucker call 911?

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  47. And say what? "Please send over two cops, woman needs badly to have the life fucked back into her"?

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  48. milf- I'll try that later and report what happens.

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  49. I think that she really is down, but she's been down for so long that she can't see the other side and she just rolling all around in her depression. Her friends on the site all have mental health issues. One hears voices, others are all depressed. When that's your peer group, you're already heading for trouble. I wish that she would just lift herself above this, but after 20 years, it's doubtful that she will.

    Now. I have a son who is 23 and schizophrenic. He's not faking, he's really hearing voices, seeing things, but after three years in-patient, he's on meds and they are working for him. He lives in a group setting, sharing a home in a supervised setting with four other young men.

    If he was living alone and had no support other than the freaking internet, I am sure I would have attended his funeral by now.

    I seriously hope that she gets help. Depression kills.

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  50. Don't I have great legs for someone with two grandbabies? Damn. I am one hot grandmutha.

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  51. And for fuck's sake, if you're going to blog about depression, be passionate and interesting. Those poets and writers you admire? They possessed passion, fire, overwhelming emotion, utter agony and eloquently described the human condition and love lost. Our souls can't help but experience it with them.

    You? You say you're sad. You have a few bowel-emptying phrases- but alas, your attempts are akin to, "Look at this picture of me. Don't I look depressed? I'm sad. I'm very sad" and your writing falls flat.

    And if it isn't an act, I just want to shake you and tell you to fight for yourself. I've lost someone very dear to me to depression and I can't even describe the anger I feel when you don't fight for yourself and your happiness and seek help. You're not a victim. You make your choices, there is nothing external that can make you happy.

    Anyway, you're welcome for that PSA and I'll get off my soapbox now and resume lurker mode.

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  52. You people are fucking harsh.

    ~ Driz

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  53. Driz is being ironic.

    But seriously, you'd have to have lived in Toronto to properly understand and empathize with her pain.

    ~ Driz

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  54. You know, most of the people I've known who are super depressed, like suicide depressed,catatonic depressed can't even express their depression they're so deep in it.
    They don't say things like you can't hurt my feelings because I don't have any. Or I'm so sad look at this picture of me being morose.

    I think a lot of us go through angst, anxiety, disillusionment, feeling down, and yes depression. Still for me, it's as if she's trying depression on for size to see if it feels authentic or artistic.

    Or using the cloak of depression to explain why she wants to be a writer but hasn't done anything about it(her words) why her relationship isn't working out, why she can't finish her highschool diploma?(hs diploma? I'm not sure but now I can't find where she was lamenting some bureaucratic snafu)

    Look at her book list, she's got plenty of time to read, why can't she go to school or get a job. I think the depression is a big copout why she hasn't gone after her dreams, even her language is so passive, "when will my dreams be fulfilled?"

    Hey, have any of you gotten your dreams fulfilled by some magic dream fulfillment fairy, or did you actually have to do something to get there? Just sayin.

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  55. She's like the human Eeyore.

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  56. dph, you're just saying that because you want me to say your boobs are nice again.

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  57. FF - guilty! Now say it you whore, tell me you want to motor boat me!

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  58. maybe sad girl should motor boat you, that might make her feel better, no?

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  59. Human Eeyore. Now that's fucking funny. "Oh bother".

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  60. Driz is baaaaccckkk! Sorry I was so harsh, dude. I missed your brutal irony.

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  61. Also...I've struggled with depression. It SUCKS ASS. But, after 3 days of crying in the fetal position, I got my ass up and went to see the doctor. Because, that shit ain't normal. And, then I got my ass in therapy, and on meds, and I started working on my issues.

    And while I still HAVE, and struggle with anxiety and PTSD (since we're oversharing here), it is a daily work in progress, and I keep taking one step at a time.

    If you start embracing the pain, you're lost.

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  62. FF, thank you for not suggesting that I motor boat her.

    I would have had to wax your babies.

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  63. So she's depressed, join the fucking club...life is hard, get used to it. I have 2 cousins with Autism, an aunt with Schizophrenia (although it's probably more like schizoaffective disorder with bipolar overtones), a neurotic, anxiety riddled mother, and several Fundie Religious aunts and uncles, so I have zero sympathy for overindulgent clap trap. Use that socialized medicine and talk to someone who can actually help you.

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  64. See that's the thing, we are all basically fucked up. I don't even want to go into my own issues.

    Last night, I was in the kitchen talking to my husband and said, "You know how some people go to the grocery store and look at stuff on the shelves and say, 'Hey, that looks like it would be good.' Well, I stand at the medicine cabinet and look at my xanax, soma and tylenol PM the same way." He said sometimes he feels the same way, only add beer to the list.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Took a nap, downed a couple of Sparks, and gave the blog another try; conclusion - she can't really be depressed - she would never have the energy for all that friggin' content. Hat's off to her, she's like a blog actress.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Do we know if she killed herself or if she got an Oscar? Maybe she'll get as Oscar for killing herself.

    Mutha, send some Xanax asap.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Oh, valium, how I miss you.

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  68. I love Valium. It's classic old school stuff. Nothing works better than the tried and true. Do we both remember Journey (way back when they hadn't broken up?), Foreigner, Led Zepplin and Grateful Dead before Jerry Garcia died?

    ReplyDelete
  69. You know, at the end of some days, I need a valium, and some Boston. Then, later, a glass of wine, and an orgasm.

    That is almost a perfect evening.

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  70. I'd take a second orgasm over the Boston. Nothing against the boys, but really, it's more than a feeling.

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  71. Valium is asprin when compared to IV Verced. That shit is like a liquid orgasm wrapped in a bath of warm milk while deep kissing David Beckham.

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  72. Look, I'd rather be fucking on mushrooms or IV drugs, but either way the day after is going to require heavier doses of other narcotics.

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  73. hey now. Never said Valium was king but it's a he'll of a lot better than aspirin. You want to get serious? Let's talk about that sucker laced with Fentanyl. I think I missed my calling as an Anestesiologist. My patients would have to share.

    ReplyDelete
  74. Boston. God that brings me back to rubbers, bongs and begging my parents for the car. Those were the good old days. Now LB, if you tell me your name is Amanda, I'm officially in love. (Even if we are both "cuntish")

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  75. Awwwww, PG and LB made up. Can PG join our sammich???

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  76. Sounds like I'm going to need to bring extra spit.

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  77. Man, when I first read that I thought we were having a pig roast.

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  78. Ghost, you're not going to bring extra cock too???

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  79. He doesn't need to. Trust me on this one.

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  80. LB, trust me. I know that! LOL He has enough to go around for all of us. You need to send me your email address so I can send you those pics I promised =)

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  81. Seriously, that's some big weenie there.

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  82. Ghost - Are you sharing now? I thought it was for the three of us?

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  83. Um, I don't know, I'm just the stunt dick apparently.

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  84. Yeah but the stunt double generally has the better package. That's why they're the stunt. If the real actor had the package, they'd be doing the work.

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  85. Actually, if we could throw an 18 yr old girl in the mix, I think I'd have all the age groups covered. I won't do anything that can order off the seniors menu. I could actually feel the generation gap.

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  86. Well, yes, PG, I'd have to agree with you. I guess that's a compliment I'll take.

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  87. Wait a minute, you're OVER 18? Sorry, no can do.

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  88. Yeah, but I still get carded for smokes. I'll bring my high school id. And shave.

    ReplyDelete
  89. Wait, Ghost, you know I need a 14 year old in the mix. That's a must for me.

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  90. Alright, but it's getting crowded, the 14 yr. old can hold the camera. Is this illegal?

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  91. If the 14 yr. old is holding the camera then I don't think it's illegal.

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  92. I think it's legal as long as we don't pay them.

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  93. The things I miss when I'm on vacation. Dammit.

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  94. I love goldmourn's poetry and I think that she's a beautiful person. Is it necessary for you to be cruel? Perhaps a few of you are in need of a hug or something warm.

    Peace

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.