Wish I Had a River...

The bitch is back. Long live the bitch.

Sorry, y'all. Do to some unforeseen circumstances (vacations, illness, the fact that Jobber's computer came down with an STD due to promiscuous porn usage), I'm pulling double duty this week. Shit happens. Life goes on.

I started reading today's blogger at the beginning of this week and started working my way back through since then.

I'll be honest: Sometimes reviewing is a huge, onerous chore, and I have to force myself to read a fair amount of a blog. It is tedious and horrible, and almost always, even after I've forced myself to do it, the author isn't happy with the review.

At other times, the assigned blog sucks me in and I am inspired by the reading. And, those days remind me why I still do this Ask thing in spite of being the surliest bitch south of Bedlam.

Flutter has issues. Hoo Lord, does she have issues:

Pills quite nearly took me, as I took them one after the other and dreamed to sleep without waking. My body took over when my mind could not, and purged me of my poison. But my will to die, for a fair number of years seemed to outweigh my will to live.

I carry two scars, they mar my white wrists in thin lines. When I shiver against the elements, goose bumps raise walls around them, but never through. I remember watching my own scarlet vein spill out over my hand. Poising a knife above to surmise if I needed to do it again. I thought of the way my room would smell, like meat gone past its expiration...

I thought of ending my life with a knife, just as he had intended to do.

I can relate, I have my own matched set of bags, all packed and full of assorted paraphernalia from 42 years of fucked up shit. I have my own anxiety attacks and my days of crying for nothing. I have my scars.

But, unlike yesterday's review, Flutter gives me HOPE. She doesn't wallow in the sadness. She, like so many of us, is damaged goods, some by her own hand. But, she is so much more than just damaged and sad. She has taken the pain and she has created something precious from it. She's seen her world destroyed, and rebuilt it herself, from the ground up. And that is a good and affirming message to read. We need those messages, because sometimes, when we least expect it, the windshield of life runs into us at full tilt, and before we know it, we're splattered everywhere, wings broken and tattered. And we need to know that as unlikely as it seems, we can fly again. It takes courage, it takes time, but it can be done. Flutter is doing it.

Her writing is good. I mean, really good. It's real, it's compelling, it's humorous, it's terrifying. It has to be therapeutic. I read Flutter's posts, and I am reminded WHY people SHOULD blog.

Blogging is at its essence, a beautiful thing. Sorry. I keep using that word, it's late and I'm running out of adjectives. But it is, really, when you think about it. Haven't you ever read someone's blog, and connected with that person, and you feel you KNOW them. And even, on some level, you LOVE THEM. You care about that person, you want the best for them, they inspire you, you want to inspire them. And then you realize: you ARE them. And THEY are YOU, and we are all connected in this big wide world by our shared humanity, our experiences, and even our scars.

At its best, blogging can be a tiny miracle, and god knows, we need more miracles in our heartless, cynical era.

At its worst, blogging succumbs to advertising, and memes, and superficiality, and narcissism. And, that makes me taste throw-up in the back of my throat.

But, at its best, it's gorgeous. TRANSCENDENT. There. There's the perfect adjective.

This is a beautiful, transcendent blog, and it speaks to me. My comments are merely superficial details, and they're all template-related.

Flutter:

1. Change your link colors. They're far too dark for the background of your blog, and make it difficult to see them. Change the link color on your commenters, as well. The dark red simply doesn't work. Go with a lighter shade of red, lighter gray, anything that will make it stand out from the black.

2. Get rid of the huge monstrosity of a blogher ad on your sidebar. NO. DO NOT LIKE. You have a beautiful template, and that ad makes it look totally unbalanced. If you must have ads, push them down at the bottom, in your footer, and put fewer posts per page.

Your sidebar is ruint by the ad.

3. Here are the basics your sidebar needs, in order:

• about flutter (which you have). Georgeous pic, can you have a friend help you save it in a different, smaller format so that it takes less time to load?
• Best of flutter (6-8 of your favorite posts).
  
• Drop-down archive button so it is easier to go through your posts.
• Link to your blogroll (you have this)
• subscribe and other stuff.

If you do it in that order, it will be easier for people to navigate around your site. Those things should be ABOVE the ad, not below it.

And that's really all I have to say. Keep writing. Keep healing. Keep inspiring me.



Okay, let's all hug now and sing kumbaya. And smell like patchouli, and stop shaving our legs. Then, we'll have a drum circle....

Ah, shut the fuck up. I'm still the same bitch. But I dig this chick, and her blog.