Thursday, August 28, 2008

It's Not Your Barbie's Blog

Frequently in my life, I feel like I need to wash my mouth out with lye soap, scour my tongue with 60 grit sandpaper and gargle with bleach. Especially after I have posted certain reviews at this site. As a kid, my mom nicknamed me Garbage Mouth. Thanks, Mom.

Deep within my psyche lies a steaming pot of sarcasm, profanity and off-color humor, precariously held in check by my upbringing, which included weekly fire and brimstone sermons. I tend to let the cork out during my reviews, and then feel guilty for days afterward.

So anyway, I was sitting at church this week, and we were subject to yet another liturgical flogging about being a good example to other churchlings. I was wracked with guilt. I pretty much know I am scum to the core, but I felt like I should reform and be a Good Girl* henceforth.

Right then and there I said a little prayer to try to help me deal with my mouth:

Dear Lord,

Please help me not to use bad language this week. And please forgive the bad things that I did to the cat last week with the fork. Help me to be more muthaly to my children.

Thanks in advance,

Mutha.


As Sunday turned into Monday, I started to become mightily worried. Could I actually review a site without using a slew of cuss words? Must I delve into profanity and potty mouth to make a point? Does sarcasm cut less deeply without the F Word? We may never know the answers to those questions.

That's because this week, I was given Queen of Her Own Universe to review and choirs of angels sang.


Frighteningly incongruent images, gotta love it.

Jasmine has a sweet ride, although Blogger is her chosen highway. It's a crimson-flushed custom template that is as creamy as triple extra mayo on a Whopper with Cheese.

Yes, I know it's pink. That's sort of hard to miss. I know that some of you hate pink. Personally, I hate white type on black. You may equate pink with Pepto-Bismo or Mary Kay Cadillacs. Listen, Jasmine does pink well. It is unashamedly pinkedy, pink, pink, and yet, the colors jive, the accents are attractive and the site is laid out nicely.

The entire site is easy to sink into. It is thoughtfully composed and funny. She sharp-edged and sometimes raw. I like that. Read about Jasmine seeing a jpeg of her adult son, nude, with a major erection. Read her 'Best Work', which she has properly placed, smack dab, on her front page and see if you don't love her.

Getting into her archives, I found that she's much better now than she was a year ago, even six months ago. She was into loud fonts and colors and tended to run on too much, but she's refined that. Jasmine, don't slide back into that. Let your words speak for you, but be their master.

In fact, the more I read, the more smitten I became. I even found out that I am not alone on the blogway to H-E-Double Toothpicks.

Here's some helpful hints from the Mutha:

  • Link your site address into your banner.
  • Lose the major spacing which is used for emphasis between certain paragraphs. I hate scrolling. It makes my index finger get all muscular and that's so unattractive.
  • Roll up your archives, eventually they will get excessively long.
  • Keep an eye on length. We have to fight not to run on, don't backslide on that.
  • Add some navigation on the bottom of your front page to allow users to access older posts.
  • Consider using categories, but don't run a whole list down your sidebar.
  • If you are the only author, you don't need your name on every post, just the date is fine.
  • That's about it, Chickie Poo, just keep writing and don't let things get sloppy.

Stop by and visit. She's great fun. The only problem is, to rate her, I have to swear.



Damn.



* Don't feel bad for me losing my language on this site, I pretty much blew it on Tuesday when I called my mother-in-law a life-sucking Shelob-bitch from Hell. But if the shoe fits...

25 comments:

  1. She is fucking *hilarious*.
    But I hate her template (I can't get down with that much pink.) and the posts with rainbow fonts were a bit much.

    And she doesn't look old enough to have a 21 year old son, at all. I like her.

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  2. Jesus, I thought she was 21. I'm still half asleep though, and my judgement with blonds has always been questionable.

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  3. Also, and I don't play nice two days in a row very often, this lady is very funny.

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  4. Looks like you're a bit late there--she hasn't posted in a month. Well, I hope her first post will be: "I'm finally back. I got a great review on this Ask site. I'm so happy. And I've decided to get rid of the pink."

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  5. God, I really, really, really hate this template. I really do. But her posts are funny.

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  6. What the hell do you all have against pink?

    (ducks and runs)

    Pink is the color of all things good. ;)

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  7. I don't know, some of my favorite things are pink...wait, you're right, they're pure evil too. Nevermind.

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  8. This blog template looks like Barbie threw up all over the screen--after eating cotton candy and vienna sausages.

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  9. I think her colors are blush and bashful.

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  10. Yeah they are pank and pank.

    Now I've seen cotton candy and meatballs but never cotton candy and vienna sausages.

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  11. ^gratuitous Steel Magnolias quote from our resident steel-toed magnolia.

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  12. Maybe it's pepto-bismal mixed with red beans & rice.

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  13. I think it's a gynecological shot mixed with troll hair pink.

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  14. I think I see kidney red mixed in there, too.

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  15. I think I see autopsy red mixed in there.

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  16. Oh, my bad. It's Auntie Flow.

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  17. Or as my mother refers to it... It's dead kitty casserole.

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  18. Garsh Mickey, you guys are harsh. She's so fricking funny, it just killed me. When she was talking about getting a bush wax, I nearly died. Get past the pink, my husband does at least twice a week. Going to hell for sure.

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  19. Oh, don't think I don't like her. I just hate her template.

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  20. She is definitely funny and completely likable.

    But when I opened up her page, it was all PINK. It was like when you watch too many romantic comedies in a row and then your period comes two weeks early from feminine overload.

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  21. Which is basically what you all just said, so...yeah. Next time I'll read the comments better.

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  22. I think what I liked best was that her site was so incongruous compared to her content. It was that which drew my attention.

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  23. Here I thought it would my content... or lack there of lately, that I'd get a beating for over here and it's just the pink I'm getting stoned for.

    I like it and I'm probably not going to change it. Mostly because I'm stupid and I don't know how.

    Thanks for all your nice comments everyone, I'll get my ass back to posting asap.

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Grow a pair.