It's Not Your Barbie's Blog

Frequently in my life, I feel like I need to wash my mouth out with lye soap, scour my tongue with 60 grit sandpaper and gargle with bleach. Especially after I have posted certain reviews at this site. As a kid, my mom nicknamed me Garbage Mouth. Thanks, Mom.

Deep within my psyche lies a steaming pot of sarcasm, profanity and off-color humor, precariously held in check by my upbringing, which included weekly fire and brimstone sermons. I tend to let the cork out during my reviews, and then feel guilty for days afterward.

So anyway, I was sitting at church this week, and we were subject to yet another liturgical flogging about being a good example to other churchlings. I was wracked with guilt. I pretty much know I am scum to the core, but I felt like I should reform and be a Good Girl* henceforth.

Right then and there I said a little prayer to try to help me deal with my mouth:

Dear Lord,

Please help me not to use bad language this week. And please forgive the bad things that I did to the cat last week with the fork. Help me to be more muthaly to my children.

Thanks in advance,

Mutha.

As Sunday turned into Monday, I started to become mightily worried. Could I actually review a site without using a slew of cuss words? Must I delve into profanity and potty mouth to make a point? Does sarcasm cut less deeply without the F Word? We may never know the answers to those questions.

That's because this week, I was given Queen of Her Own Universe to review and choirs of angels sang.

Frighteningly incongruent images, gotta love it.

Jasmine has a sweet ride, although Blogger is her chosen highway. It's a crimson-flushed custom template that is as creamy as triple extra mayo on a Whopper with Cheese.

Yes, I know it's pink. That's sort of hard to miss. I know that some of you hate pink. Personally, I hate white type on black. You may equate pink with Pepto-Bismo or Mary Kay Cadillacs. Listen, Jasmine does pink well. It is unashamedly pinkedy, pink, pink, and yet, the colors jive, the accents are attractive and the site is laid out nicely.

The entire site is easy to sink into. It is thoughtfully composed and funny. She sharp-edged and sometimes raw. I like that. Read about Jasmine seeing a jpeg of her adult son, nude, with a major erection. Read her 'Best Work', which she has properly placed, smack dab, on her front page and see if you don't love her.

Getting into her archives, I found that she's much better now than she was a year ago, even six months ago. She was into loud fonts and colors and tended to run on too much, but she's refined that. Jasmine, don't slide back into that. Let your words speak for you, but be their master.

In fact, the more I read, the more smitten I became. I even found out that I am not alone on the blogway to H-E-Double Toothpicks.

Here's some helpful hints from the Mutha:

• Link your site address into your banner.
• Lose the major spacing which is used for emphasis between certain paragraphs. I hate scrolling. It makes my index finger get all muscular and that's so unattractive.
  
• Roll up your archives, eventually they will get excessively long.
  
• Keep an eye on length. We have to fight not to run on, don't backslide on that.
• Add some navigation on the bottom of your front page to allow users to access older posts.
• Consider using categories, but don't run a whole list down your sidebar.
• If you are the only author, you don't need your name on every post, just the date is fine.
  
• That's about it, Chickie Poo, just keep writing and don't let things get sloppy.
  

Stop by and visit. She's great fun. The only problem is, to rate her, I have to swear.

Damn.

* Don't feel bad for me losing my language on this site, I pretty much blew it on Tuesday when I called my mother-in-law a life-sucking Shelob-bitch from Hell. But if the shoe fits...