Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Alright, you little freshman bitches, air raid!*

This is going to sound all kinds of hypocritical, considering I post sometimes scathing reviews on a site with a URL of "Iwillfuckingtearyouapart," but I'm not really a fan of the whole "I'm a bitch, ask me how" genre of blogs. I know. Pot, meet kettle.

The trend for a lot of women bloggers these days seems to be marketing themselves as foul-mouthed, stiletto-wearing bitches with bad attitudes, alcoholic tendencies, and fierce clothing choices. Either that or tawdry sex kittens who are reclaiming the words "whore" or "slut." And frankly, it almost never rings true. They put on the persona, trot out their quickly and carelessly written diatribes against whoever is pissing them off that day, and wrap it up in an "I'm just bitchy that way, bite me" bow. But it's vacant, self-aggrandizing, escapist, and ultimately untrue.

I get it. The internet allows a delicious anonymity, a seductive arena for self-expression that allows us to be whoever the hell we want. It allows me to masquerade as someone who knows what the hell she's talking about, and I get to do the very things I dis in the preceding paragraph. My hypocrisy knows no bounds, but it's my review and I'll be judgmental if I want to. Bite me? Shit, I did it again.

This little exercise in futility was fueled by The Shoewhore Who Cooks: Bow Down Bitches, which is not to say that the Shoewhore is either a whore or a bitch, thus proving my point. There's very little cooking and not a lot of shoes, either, so the title is a bit of a misnomer. I expected something along the lines of this. What I got was a rather nice, sexy-seeming, moderately funny woman from the Midwest who likes to cook.

I like the design. It's uncluttered and easy to read. There's no about page, though, so I don't have any back story. I need back story, people. The blog has been around just since May, but she moved from elsewhere, so there's not a lot here.

I read the entire blog, and I didn't want to gouge my eyes out with the heel of one of her stilettos. There are some marginally funny pictures from other places, some memes, and lots of ellipses. Shoewhore makes some grammatical snafus of the apostrophe variety, along with neglecting to capitalize consistently. She does post about shoes (just twice -- not much whorage there, eh?), but I don't like any of them. She went 38 years without a driver's license and doesn't go anywhere alone, which kind of boggles my mind. But she likes Eric Balfour, who is in one of the sexiest movies ever and I'd lick him from head to toe, steamy little devil that he is, so I can't hate on her too much.

She writes some amusing (and disgusting) stories. Some could be downright hilarious if polished up a little bit. But for me the writing just kind of sat there on the screen, lolling about sloppily as I am wont to do on weekends. Or always. It didn't grab me, I didn't laugh out loud, and there wasn't any finesse or flair. I like the Shoewhore -- she seems like a fun lady with a sexy relationship and a healthy sense of humor. But some of the writing, for me, was a bit of a snooze.

I don't know your background, Shoewhore, so I don't know why you blog. It doesn't seem like you're serious about writing, but if you are, tighten up, edit, reread, and polish. Dig deeper, give us more heart and soul and sex. These posts seem flung up on the screen without much care.

If this is just an exercise in community, in relationship building, in saying whatever is on your mind, that's fine, too. But take a little more care with your craft, and don't be afraid to go deeper. You don't have to be funny all the time, and honestly sometimes the funny just didn't work for me. There's more to you than bitchy avarice -- a lot more, in fact, because I saw very little meanness or greed on your blog. Consider a rename of your blog, or live up to the title more, if that's who you want to be. But I hope you don't -- I hope you toss out the surface veneer and show us who you really are.

Today I give you





because I like you and you seem like a fun lady and I feel like you have potential. Keep blogging, edit your writing but not yourself. Let us see more of who you are, what matters to you. You read some excellent bloggers: let them influence you.



*Darla (Parker Posey), from Dazed and Confused

24 comments:

  1. Parker Posey was fucking terrifying in that movie. I kept waiting for her to turn into the 50 foot woman, rip some poor freshman's head off and spit down her neck.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Why do half the blogs this week have the same damn design? Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Also, half the blogs this week just plain suck. From any standpoint.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Do they have the same design? Interesting. Maybe they're a conglomerate.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Parker Posey can really pull it off. Most of the bitchy bloggers can't.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I read the hair removal post, very funny. Seriously, when are you girls going to learn to leave hot wax to the professionals?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Was there other cooking going on besides throwing toppings on a pre-baked pizza crust? That doesn't really count as cooking, you know - scrambled eggs and bacon is more cooking than that, and that doesn't count either!
    I thought you gave a fair review - there was promise, though the TV shows have to go as subject material and WHERE IS THE COOKING?
    Love and Quiches,
    Betty Fucking Crocker

    ReplyDelete
  8. Considering my entire post on my actual blog today has to do with television, I fart in your general direction, anonymous. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I like when the freshman have to fry like bacon. I love bacon.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This blog promised shoes, whoring, and cooking. I don't feel it adequately delivered on any of the three.

    ReplyDelete
  11. That's why I only promise lists. Sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I should really think about expanding my horizons.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, and yes, once again, likable person, meh blog.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Under promise, over deliver, Ras.

    ReplyDelete
  15. It makes me sad that there are so few real whores out there blogging. Lots of ex-strippers. Very few whores.

    We need to get those whores blogging. Whores have the best stories.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yeah but sometimes the whores get married and although they have really great whore stories 'cause they were single and dating for over 15 years while also being commitmentphobic but they can't tell said whore stories because they have like, WAY more stories than their husband who would not at all like to hear these stories. It's just a hypothetical. Really.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Um ... yeah ... hypothetical ...

    Wanna anonymous-guest post on my good-little-school-marm blog and liven things up a bit?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Formerly Fun's description of Married Ex-Whore Syndrome is so very true.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Do we have to be anonymous?

    ReplyDelete
  20. p.s. This is why ex-whores should NEVER, EVER tell their husbands about their secret blogs.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I read two whore blogs, actually: Confessions of a College Callgirl and Debauchette. Very good stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You know, I've never been much of a whore. I've tried whoring around. Doesn't suit me. Know what does? Vengeance.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I liked it. I loved the template. It set my eyes at ease. I guess I just go for that sort.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.