Friday, September 05, 2008

Auntie Meh'm

Cardio Girl, is apparently 19% body fat. I have her beat! I am 30% body fat and probably headed for forty, so back off, sister!





Cardio girl uses sneakers to show her mood. Different colors and patterns for different moods. Whatever floats your boat. It does fit into her theme of exercise, but, how does a yellow Ked express amusement? I know what red five-inch heels say; but to me, a yellow sneaker says you stood too close to the telephone pole while walking the dog. Not very amusing, now my toes are soaked. I get that it's part of your shtick, but it's overused in your blog, reinvent yourself.

The first blog entry that I read was about her using a device to pluck excess body hair. Ow. She said it hurt like mad, but at the end, recommended a similar device that pulls 30 times as many hairs at one time and I thought, lady, you need to visit this site. Then I looked to the right panel and saw a Google ad touting the exact same plucking torture device. Apparently, Google ads scan your content and target their ads to jive with the reader. Oh baby, you just lost me. Don't pimp your blog. Especially, don't go there when you're up for review.

Content? Just the same old, same old. Like 50,000 blogs that I have stumbled on in the past. Not great. Not spectacular. Average. There are no thought evoking themes, no gut wrenching tragedy (probably lucky for her) just the day to day stuff. She tends to write very long posts. Trim that way back.

Not that her writing is horrible, but Reader, if you find something that really stands out, you link to it, I got tired of looking to be thrilled.

What about the template? It's white, it's geared to promote ads, sell t-shirts and it helped lull me to sleep while reading her entries. It's like the singlewide mobile home of templates. It has no sense of style. She has tabs, but they are under-utilized.

Cardio Girl, you have a long list of categories and archives, big ads, small ads, ads on the left, ads on the right. I sound like Dr. Seuss for cripe's sake. Chick, all you're missing are some Twitter transcripts. Ditch some of that stuff, unless it's the money that you want. If you want our eternal respect, write more compelling posts, measure your words and make your money elsewhere. Roll up those archives and categories into drop down boxes and trim back some of your gadgetry.

Here's my synopsis: Mediocrity at it's best.

and more .

Let's throw in a double spanking for her daily abuse of a sneaker:




But you get high marks for working out. God bless your fat free butt for that, keep at that and start inspiring us, instead of boring us. Come back in a year and let's see how you've grown.

47 comments:

  1. Seriously, is anyone making real $ off these ads. My husband tried google adwords for his personal biz(as a paid advertiser) and got nothing. This is what I think the flim-flam is, they give bloggers pennies and charge biz owners loads and they(Google) are the only ones that really benefit. I don't think you can't try and make some $ off your blog, especially if you really work it but there has got to be a better way then a few dollas for a clogged up site. Blech.

    I like the plugged up toilet post but Mutha you're right, edit, edit, edit.

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  2. I'm just watching to see how many people get your title. Which rocks.

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  3. Yes, I just came to the conclusion that after a year of honoring Google's effed up AdSense and making only $40 (why that's almost 11 center a day!) it's time to take it off.

    And hey, thanks for the double spank. Now can you make it hurt?

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  4. It only hurts good. I think I am going to try more time outs and less spanking. They say that's more effective.

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  5. Screw time outs. A punch in the vag is what a lot of our submitted blogs need.

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  6. A haymaker in the babymaker, if I may be so bold.

    I think we also need to create a new submission requirement. They have to do a cribs episode to submit.

    p.s. Key, why don't you ever comment on my private blog, you ass?

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  7. Tits: I don't comment on your private blog because I forgot to bookmark it. Send again, plz.

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  8. Bookmark? What the heck is this bookmark stuff? I ditched those ages ago for RSS feeds. If a blog doesn't have a feed, it's off my radar.

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  9. I'm old school, bitches. Feed on that.

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  10. I don't do feeds, thanks to my nosy co-workers, my blog is private.

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  11. Old School Keywork with Ostrich: It's what's for dinner.

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  12. I'm content with being another white meat.

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  13. Technically speaking, darlin, I think Ostrich is red meat. It tastes just like beef.

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  14. I liked the plugged up toilet post too, but I am a sucker for potty humor.

    My favorite blogs are on feed reader. If I can get through that shit, then it's onto the bookmarked ones. It's kind of like being "spongeworthy," you know?

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  15. Look, I wasn't speaking for the ostrich.

    Capt: That's quite possibly one of the most beautifully disgusting pieces of imagery I have dealt with this morning.

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  16. Dude, spongeworthy is one of the highest levels of praise that can be heaped upon man meat.

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  17. Funny, I always thought a hummer after going deep to the five hole was the highest form of praise.

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  18. For clarity: 'five hole', as NJ would know, is hockey terminology for the gap between a goalies' legs. I use it as slang for the gap in the backyard.

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  19. I thought that had more to do with oral sex after anal sex, which really set me up to skip lunch today. Thanks for that bit of dieting help.

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  20. Woo, oral after anal? Unsanitary!

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  21. yes, very unsanitary, Captain. Yes, oral after anal, I just didn't want people getting confused. I would hate to come off as a prude.

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  22. If I offered hubs would probably let me do that but then he wouldn't let me kiss the kids anymore.

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  23. Exactly why I don't kiss any of my mothers any more. They know where that mouth may or may not have been.

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  24. So that explains why my mom won't kiss me anymore, she knows where my whoreish mouth has been. Fuck.

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  25. Oh and FF, I need to come see your wax nazi self again soon. I miss your abuse.

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  26. dph, maybe she doesn't kiss you because she knows where HER mouth has been. And yes, you shoukld be right and hairy by now yes?

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  27. Yeah, DPH, we all know where your mom's mouth has been. And by that, I mean, my pants. And by pants, I mean my crotch. And, yes, by crotch, I am referring to my cock. In your mom's mouth.

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  28. FF, I really just want you to smack my ass again and call me a whore. I like it.

    Ghost, well my mom is a whore and so are you, so naturally her mouth would be all over your cock. Like mother like daughter, right? How's the syphillis?

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  29. Interesting, that's what my mom said. She said you were hung like a 9 year old boy too...

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  30. Not my fault she has an Allie-like vagina.

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  31. You better take that back you stupid whore. NO ONE has a larger vagina that Allie. She and her huge vagina are special and one of a kind.

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  32. That's why I said 'Allie-like'. Meaning it was large, but not implying it was larger. Slut.

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  33. I wonder if she can fit her Friday Night Ambulance in there.

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  34. If you mean 'Big Love, XXX', then yes, this is a family show.

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  35. Oh, so totally nasty. But you're right, it's not a family show. That's one thing that keeps me for applying for the job of Sunday school teacher. Can you imagine if I did and they came up with this site? I need to just stay a pew-warming heathen.

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  36. Don't you mean 'pew burning'? Wait, nevermind, you do go to church. I repent.

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  37. I go, but deep down inside, I am rotten to the core and I always wonder if everyone else is too and they're just better at pretending then I am. Maybe they're just better and not rotten.

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  38. Dear Queen Mutha:

    As a former Sunday School teacher, let me assure you that they are just as naughty.

    I used to clean house for a deacon when I was in high school. Lord, were they high and mighty at church. But you should have seen his playboy collection, and her collection of absolutely syphilitic sex novels.

    You know why you always have to take two Baptists fishing with you, right? Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer and smoke all your ciggies.

    ;)

    HOpe that helps to relieve the guilt.

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  39. Why don't Baptists make love standing up? Someone might see them and think they're dancing.

    And I can make that joke, cause I'm baptist.

    Like I have said in the past, I'm conflicted, but I like a good joke like anyone else.

    I used to go to this really strange church where all the women had to wear long dresses and keep their hair long. We all had to read the only "pure" text of the bible.

    Sometimes I feel like running out of church like my hair is on fire. I'm not even sure why I even go. But I know for sure after this weekend, I am staying home tomorrow. I need a day off. You can read my blog rant to hear about my asshole inlaws.

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  40. Mutha, it's because your hair is on fire. I quit torturing myself once I moved out of the house. But it works for some, so I won't give you any shit. I would take my son, but I don't think the Next Messiah stands to gain anything from going to church. His philosophy is pretty sound.

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  41. One of the nicest things about being a grownup is NOT having to go to church.

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  42. As far as reasons? Here were mine:

    1) appeasing the rents.
    2) appeasing the idiot hubby (I divorced him 3 years ago for chronic philandering).
    3) guilt.
    4) habit.
    5) comfort zone.
    6) some small kernel of faith that hadn't been totally tainted by interactions with religious people.

    I can sympathize.

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  43. She has a thing for Converse low tops... not Keds. Ew. She even has a link on the left under "Pages" called "what's with the low tops?"

    I know she took the review well - kudos to you CG - so I am not trying to scream in her defense or anything. I just had to remark that I found her only recently, through a mutual friend, and what drew me to her is that she's had some really really harsh shit on there before. Stuff that makes your heart break.

    But the recent posts have been pretty much what you described so maybe it was a bad time to review. ;)

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  44. I'm a regular Cardiogirl reader, and believe me, the "gut-wrenching tragedy" is in there and beautifully dealt with. Her posts about abusive family members, emotional problems, and watching her beloved brother dying of MS are painful but important. At least I think so.

    JD at I Do Things

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Grow a pair.