Thursday, September 25, 2008

Dirty Tricks

There are blogs I read whose authors inspire me, whose words throb with meaning, whose nuanced and elegant writings resonate with me on a cerebral-emotional level so that I'm rendered thoughtful, introspective, moved.

This is not one of those blogs. It's scattered, rambling, clumsy, rude, vulgar, and visceral.

And I love it.

The design leaves a lot to be desired. There's no functionality besides the archives, and when you go to read them you're given each month's posts on one page, which gets super long. The font jumps from light blue to dark blue to red (Christ, my eyes) to pink to holy fuck it's purple, which I can't even read. Give us a break, please: dark text on a light background, or my eyes will fall out of my freaking head. Or, if you must stay with a dark background, use a more reader-friendly text color in a larger font.

I love the header image, but it's ginormous and requires extensive scrolling. The reading space is way too narrow -- too narrow is better than too wide (mostly, except in terms of penises and TV screens), but this makes for awkward reading. Set up an about page; I hate diving right in and trying to figure someone out from the backlog of archives. Give us a cast of characters, a few sentences about you, something to go on.

Now, to the writing. There are some rambly, boring, and pointless posts. There's a lot of weekend wrap-up, I did this then this. But you know what? I don't really give a good god damn because Lauren is raucous and inappropriate and unfailingly, brutally honest. I mean, naked in a wheel barrow? How can I not love that? She drinks a lot and posts pictures of her butt and has a funny kid. She tells interesting and naughty stories, if not particularly well written. She's fucked 80s rock stars, and I'm really ashamed by how impressed I am.

Lauren is really good with a one (or two) liner: "So I let down God and a bunch of babies so that I could have a one night stand. Nice work." And she says things like, "Ryan Reynolds... I would kill him, stuff him and hang him on my wall just to be able to fuck him for the rest of my life" which I can totally relate to. She's kind of fascinating, really, and there is no shortage of twisted little walks down memory lane. Her writing is unapologetic, balls to the wall, this is me, this is real, and I don't really give a damn what you think about it. It's refreshing and dirty at the same time.

What I really love about this blog is that there's no agenda, there's no front, there's no tidy little cubby hole you can shove her in -- it's just, flat out, the Dirty Pirate Hooker, with all her mishaps and narcissism (which is oddly endearing) and boozing and mothering her little punk and forgetting her underwear and making the best of things. There's a real life happening here, and it's not spiffed up and polished and twisted into a crowd-pleasing family friendly bit of entertainment. Lauren is completely original and an intriguing individual, and I'm adding her to my reader right now.

32 comments:

  1. That's my girl! Scabs and all.

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  2. Wow, I was really not expecting that. Thank you so much!
    I appreciate the advice on my page and will figure out how to fix all of that.

    Thank you so much you dirty, dirty bitch!

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  3. That was fucking awesome and why we all read I guess. And it directed me to some funny shit I hadn't read yet...thanks.

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  4. And to think she was worried about her review. Retard.

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  5. I like you too, whore, but PLEASE get a template that doesn't look like the bastard offspring the pussycat dolls and myspace.

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  6. Awww, I am so proud of my dirty whore! Now I am sure I won't be the only one dreaming about her!

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  7. LB, thanks for calling me a whore. Makes me feel so at home.

    And I will fix my template.

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  8. Since she's had sex with 80's rockers, I have officially waxed a vagina that's been entered by 80's rockers. Yipee for me 1 degree of vag separation.

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  9. FF, you were thisclose to Kip Winger's phantom DNA.

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  10. Finally others have seen what I've known all along. She's a dirty slut but she's the best dirty slut around. Love you mamacita.

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  11. I put a rubber on my mouse every time I visit that site. Gotta love it.

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  12. I really wish I weren't so high on painkillers today so I could enjoy this more.

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  13. She gives good malapropism.

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  14. Painkillers? I thought it was antibiotics...

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  15. PG, antibiotics are a given for a whore like me. The painkillers are for my back that somehow fucked up yesterday.

    If you would read my blog every once in a while, you might know this. Whore.

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  16. Seriously, what kind of mistress takes a three week vacation?

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  17. I feel like PG is forcing us into monogamy, DPH.

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  18. Good thing I like it in the ass then, huh Ghost?

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  19. Yeah, I got lucky there. Hey, how do you feel about golden showers?

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  20. I'll be clear now, there isn't much I'm not open to, or don't like. Except donkey's. Never again.

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  21. That's too bad, I have two rather large buckets in my garage. Guess I can find another use for them.

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  22. I think Allie's huge vagina will work better, Ghost.

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  23. Added you to my Yakkity Schmackity blogroll. And we've got a donkey named Romeo if you should ever happen to change your mind.

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  24. She's the whore I wanted to be, but the day I was born, they were just handing out lesbian cards.

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  25. I like DPH. And not just because she recently volunteered to watch sex tapes of me and my hubby and then call me a whore afterwards. I also like her blog. It´s like a semi-weekly dose of naughtiness.

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  26. Good call on this one because I fucking love her too. I love that I am still shocked by some of her stories even though I know to expect it now. She's the schnitzel.

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  27. I knew you'd love her.

    I would too, if I wasn't so fucking repressed.

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  28. I started reading her blog, and COMPLETELY lost track of time, it was so chock full o' nasty. I quite literally almost forgot to pick up my son from kindergarten. Can you imagine that conversation? "Sorry, Mrs. P. I was too busy reading about awkward teenage 3-ways to pick up my kid. And I'd like to say it will never happen again, but I'd be lying."

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  29. Thanks Darwin! And don't feel bad, I've used similar excuses when late to pick up my punk. "Sorry I'm late, I was getting it in the ass by this black guy with a huge cock. Long story short, my ass hasn't bled like that in a while, and it took a while to clean."

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Grow a pair.