Friday, September 26, 2008

Feed My Frankenstein

Sid likes pain, apparently. Sid frothed himself into a frenzy over the brief reprieve he was given last week, enough so that I've decided to give him my "special" love. Take a minute for yourself while I pull on my tall leather boots with the stiletto heels, lace myself into my black leather corset, and pull the riding crop out of the drawer. Okay, ready.

Sid perhaps should be more careful what he whines for, in the future.

First, the template, which was apparently constructed on a dark and stormy night, using a pirated photoshop program, in a dank dungeon far below ground level, powered by lightning strikes. I hate the header image. Too much going on, Sid. Pick something simpler to put your title on, and use a title color that stands out more from the background. We're looking for contrast here, not matchy-matchy, in terms of readability The extra words are unnecessary and don't contribute to a reader's understanding of what you're about here.

Your sidebar looks like the nightmarish offspring of a coupling between a 13-year-old boy and the Transformers movie, complete with merchandising placements. Please get rid of the crap in your sidebar. You don't need:

1. Shout Mix
2. Pothead #
3. A map
4. Your current mood.

Please rip them off your sidebar and stuff them back into the coffin, Dr. Sidenstein. What you do need to dig up, however, is something that explains who and what and where you are. I could potentially get interested in your story if I knew these things, but right now, I just see you as some whiny 3rd world emo kid whose abby normal brain has rotted in the overly hot tropical sun. So, if you want readers outside of whatever country you reside in, you have to tell us more.

You also need to give your readers a method to return to your home page, either by linking your header image as is standard in many blogs, or by putting a home button next to your "older posts" link or on the side bar.

The content...I really wanted to rip you a new anus, Sid, one that would have you shitting bricks from the front. But I can't.

Oh, I'll be honest...most of the content sucks. ass. hard. And that usually means a throatful of shit. But, you do have a few gems buried in the rotten corpse you call a blog. I'll give you credit for that. I find you are at your best when you are sad
probably a frequent mood for you, emo-boi, so it should be easy for you to give us more. In these posts, you tell a story that is compelling, or you actually make a point and express a persuasive viewpoint. Good stuff, albeit not perfect. At least engaging, though.

In the other 90% of this mess, you do a lot of the standard teenage whining and crying, and you made me want to stab you in the eye and bury you in my compost heap. I mean, dude. You whine INCESSANTLY about how hot your car is (awwww, poor baby). You go to a rock concert, your first real one, and you whine about your neck aching from head-banging (I would so kick your ass in the mosh)...bruises and blood are PAR FOR THE COURSE at a show, pansy-ass. They are badges of honor, not something to bleat like a wounded sheep about. You whine because you don't have a job. Given how many of our jobs have been exported to your part of the world, this sentiment isn't going to gain you a lot of points from American readers.

Here's what you need to do. I can tell you've gone through Ask with a fine-toothed comb, even reading the FAQ. Good on you. You need to keep writing, because you are not a terrible writer. When you've written a post, let it sit for a couple of days and percolate. Then go through, and EDIT it. You are not experienced enough at writing to be able to write on the fly and release your monstrous creations into the world. And, the more experienced you become, the more you will edit yourself. You use the word "I" too much, and fail to tell the reader a story, or provide the details that engage readers. Your voice is very "high school," meaning that you still sound amateurish and very internally focused. That's okay, we were all young once.

It does mean, however, that you need to think more critically about what you're writing, and try to develop a more mature voice. Pay attention to details that currently trip you up, like spelling, grammar, and tense.

I wanted to hate your blog, but I don't.

I give you a for the promising bits of beauty in this monstrosity.

However, I also give you a for being such a whiny little bitch.

17 comments:

  1. Oh my. Do Japanese kids blog? They should. I heart engrish.

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  2. I don't know how you do it. I find it nearly impossible to read whiny bitch written in craplish.

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  3. LB has her masters in Crappy Indian Emo Kid Speak.

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  4. I had to learn to speak teenager in general, and emo kid specifically, a couple of years ago. It's a mom-skill.

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  5. That skill and my lack of a vagina will forever keep me from being a good mother.

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  6. How daft am I, I thought this was written by a girl.

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  7. For all we know, it WAS written by a homely bald-headed girl.

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  8. You have a compost pile?

    That's so...greenie-ish.

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  9. I knew it, LB is a fucking narcotics agent.

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  10. You know, I always read DPH. I just never know how to comment. Should I be me? Should I be her? Should I be clever, or should try to out-shock her? Should I say, "you blow my mind with your crass, and I dig that about you?" Or should I just say, "Neat. I like stories," and keep it simple? Or do I pull the whole, "you remind me so much of my one friend" thing, and try to relate in the only way I know how?

    Oh, decisions.

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  11. I need to stop checking this site when I'm drunk because I'll post shit on the wrong review.

    I'll go cry now.

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  12. please don't review my blog yet, its not ready. just wanted you to know you are one of my favorites

    http://ourbabydoe.blogspot.com/2008/09/blog-award.html

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  13. Damn. She's right. It is fairly horrible.

    I want her.

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  14. O.M.F.G.

    Love. She gave you a blog award! Where are you gonna put it and which seven blogs are you going to give it out to?

    I love it.

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  15. That's very sweet. I don't like awarding awards, though. I think it's against my nature. Also, I am slightly green, but NOT, I daresay, a hippy. I shave my legs and pits, I take regular showers, and I never, EVER reak pf patchouli.

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  16. Also, I love how Sid dropped off the face of the earth after his review...like I said, whiny bitch.

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Grow a pair.