Monday, September 29, 2008

I Am Returned

Hello there. My name is Nutjobber, and I used to be all over this site like smooth on peanut-butter, but a couple of months back I was attacked and kidnapped by a consortium of hard-nosed space-bandits and stranded in the Poccicks Nebula. Left to die on a planet I had never heard of, I was quickly taken in by a gang of vigilantes and schooled in the ways the Gauinjy, an art of war from time immemorial, and rapidly fought my way through to the royal-coliseum, forced to duel headless dragon-bear after headless dragon-bear to win the hand of Empress-Ruler Lady Antrixtra and, consequently, my freedom. Though I was a passenger in the intergalaxy-pod as it catapulted through the dimensional-gateway, I still felt the entire Poccicks Nebula implode and shrink from existence behind me, and even as I cursed the many-fists of Lord Monbulak for the double-cross, I knew I would have my revenge. I swore vengeance, and I got vengeance...oh, yes.

Perhaps, though, I’ve said too much already.

What matters is that, returning home to find my internet-connection shredded, I managed to MacGyver a link out of four pumpkin-seeds, an inner-tube, and a copy of Bruce Campbell’s autobiography, If Chins Could Kill, and I am finally ready to review a blog. Dawg’s Blog, in fact.

Hold your breath: it’s a Canadian political blog.

Sigh.

You’d think that fighting for the souls of a billion destroyed planets would steel me against apathy, but you’d be wrong. Reviewing this blog after such a prolonged absence is akin to fasting for a month and then sitting down to a meal of boiled mud and half-cooked pygmy-testicles. Don’t get me wrong, Marie Eve and Dr. Dawg, you two-headed cyber-pundit; your blog isn’t bad, it’s just politics.

I mean, being Canadian myself, I know there’s an election afoot. As a man who’s referred to our country’s Prime Minister as Stephen "Cold Eyes of a Baby-Eater" Harper, I agree with your viewpoint. Your posts are well-written, extensively-researched, and boring as fuck. While it’s good to know that, among other things, you folks are relentlessly calling Harper on his pathetic, electioneering veneer of false working-class heroism, for me this is the equivalent of reading a copy of Knitter’s Weekly cover-to-cover, or watching the Paint-Drying Network’s A Lighter Shade of Mauve marathon. You guys are so hyper-niched that you make the guy down the road from me who talks to hubcaps look like Oprah.

Not that super-niche isn’t the way to go, necessarily; there are probably dozens, literally dozens of people who want to read about Canadian politics, but I’m not one of them. What I can say, however, is that you’d be doing your readers one hell of a favour if you gussied up your site a smidge. I’m not saying you should drown the thing in graphics or blow your budget on a header or anything; I’m saying something, anything other than your standard Blogger-template would, at the very least, differentiate you from the countless others rocking that look.

So, after all that, keep up the good work. I’m glad you guys are out there doing your thing, but I just can’t bring myself to read about it.

34 comments:

  1. Major Meh. At least in US politics we get blow jobs in the Oval Office. Our system has some serious comedy attached to it. Just look at W.

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  2. Our political system is clearly the funniest in the world. In pure entertainment value and tragi-comic genius, we win. Since when do we expect anything BUT meh from Canuckistanian politics?

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  3. Seriously, Palin is not a MILV. Mom I'd Like to Vote for. Also, I didn't know they had politics in Canada. I just thought hockey ruled everything, eh. That's why the Maple Leafs can't get rid of Mats Sundin, isn't it, NJ? His term isn't over, right?

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  4. Do you remember all the Charlie Brown specials? In fact the Halloween one will probably be on soon, I think it's called It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. I really loved those. Remember how all the grown ups sounded to the Peanuts gang? "Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah." That's what this blog sounds like to me.

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  5. I've always been a huge fan of Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way, myself.

    And yes. Bored with meh.

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  6. But, but, but ... we're NICELY and SINCERELY vicious.

    Okay, so I may not sink sharpened fangs into a political target's neck and drink his arterial blood; my strategy is to jab at hundreds of capillary veins, a much slower and more painful death. Not as dramatic but a lot of FUN.

    And we have scandalous political events too. Did you hear the one about the Conservative candidate in British Columbia whose nude photos of herself taken in her official mayor's chain of office were spread all over the Internet? How about the Conservative minister, the biker babe and the forgotten top-secret NATO documents? No?

    Okay then.

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  7. Still, meh. You (Canada) are like the freshman 'B' team when it comes to political scandal. Stop trying to sneak into the Varsity keggers.

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  8. Most of the Canadians I know are way too nice to be scandalous, that's why whenever I'm out of the country, I say I'm from Canada.

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  9. America has a long and rich history of our political figures KILLING one another in duels. Until you've reached that level, you will probably bore the shit out of us.

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  10. p.s. It sucked when Nutjobber was gone. I totally missed you, dude.

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  11. Amen. Bored with Meh. We need some ratings. Like, "castrate this MF" or "bash his head in with a mallet". Can we improvise?

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  12. Only in America would a blowjob in an executive office even be a scandal. Get over yourselves. "Meh," indeed. Cast aside that stained blue dress and grow up. Can't you hear the rest of the world laughing at you?

    We Canadians don't kill each other with duels, but with kindness. Works even better, far more painful over time, and we avoid feelings of guilt and remorse.

    You have to get into our idiom--not Sesame Street instant gratification, more like a Victorian novel with a few spasmodic episodes of serial killing and bad manners.

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  13. I'm sorry, all I heard was blah,blah,blah, you Americans have severely damaged my ego.

    Cunt. NJ, I'm glad you don't suck like these canadiens.

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  14. Also, that is exactly what is so boring about this blog. 'Killing with kindness'? Oh my. It looks like our 'hat' has a few light feathers in it.

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  15. Me too, Key... Me too.

    Hell, I thought everything was going swimmingly after reading Marie Eve's comment, but then SuperDuperDawg came in & spilled a big ole bucket of self-importance all OVER the place, didn't he?

    I've spilled it around here before, friend, and let me tell you: that shit reeks.

    Also, Bites? You're the Queen of my cyber-castle.

    Jobber OUT.

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  16. Jobber, as always, you rock my world.

    Dawg: Yes, you and all three of your readers are laughing at us. It's like little daggers in my heart. Very very tiny, infinitesimally small daggers. In my heart. Yes, I'm totally wounded.

    Now, fuck off.

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  17. You mean Canadians aren't an autonomous collective? Huh.

    Also, Jubblies, I missed you like Courtney Love misses her senses.

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  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  19. Hah! Three or more times the daily uniques that this place gets--for the record.

    But I didn't come here to boast. Nor was my comment above meant to trumpet my self-importance. Americans, however, being a humourless lot, can't even take a little friendly mockery without erupting into a chorus of whines and "fuck offs" and whatever.

    Know what, duckies? My ego can stand a few misdirected barbs from a site that gets less than two hundred hits a day.But do keep playing. At least it keeps you from shooting civilians in the Third World.

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  20. Fuck that, I'm reenlisting so I can go shoot some more of those 'civilians'. You're just another dick with no balls, Dr. Dawg.

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  21. If we're no talent hacks with meager hits, and you asked what we thought of your blog and then got a bit miffed at the results, what does that say about you?

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  22. It says that Dog's big boy pants shrunk in the dryer. I would do another comparison to the Reno/ATF fuckup in Waco, but I'm only allowed one per quarter.

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  23. Dog's just peevish because a troop of American girl scouts could kick his entire country's ass in under a week.

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  24. Know what, duckies? My ego can stand a few misdirected barbs from a site that gets less than two hundred hits a day

    Yeah, this is why you asked US to review YOU.

    *snicker*

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  25. Is he seriously ripping on Ask because he's more "popular?"

    Come on, Dawg. In the world of fraternities, you're Omega and we're Delta. The fact of the matter is we throw better parties with sluttier chicks and way more booze, and you look down on us for it.

    So why don't you just submit again? Thank you sir, can I have another?

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  26. You guys really think I'm miffed?

    Fuck, I hate text sometimes. Marie-Eve and I were actually pleased and amused. My first post made that pretty clear, to anyone who can read. So did hers.

    The review was a lot of fun. But some of you folks aren't--all Yankee testosterone and spoiling for a fight. Hey, not me. I'm Canadian. I'll rise to the bait, but you guys can eat it yourselves.

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  27. miffed

    To properly clarify how I feel:

    We think that only pansy-asses who forgot their ruffly little big girl panties use the term miffed.

    And, personally, I think you're lacking in the testosterone department.

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  28. For you, Dawg, this former sorority girl would like to resurrect an award that the Sigma Nu's on my campus used to give out weekly to their members:

    Tampon of the Week.

    You don't even rate a douche.

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  29. Dawg: I compared you to a fictional fraternity from a John Belushi movie. Do you really think we're taking this seriously?

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  30. Wow, you could just say 'that keywork chap is a yankee asshole' and leave the kind people here alone. I'm not looking for a fight, I'm just stating facts. You're a dick, Dawg. Lacking a vertebrae, jellyfish, pussy, whatever you want to call it. That's a fact. No need to fight over that.

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  31. keywork speaks the truth. Word.

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  32. Even worse, he's an INSECURE dick.

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  33. So I can get my name changed to 'The Truth'? I wonder if they can put that on my driver's license.

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  34. While you're at it, put George Foreman in there somewhere. Maybe he'll adopt you and give you a grill.

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Grow a pair.