I Am Returned

Hello there. My name is Nutjobber, and I used to be all over this site like smooth on peanut-butter, but a couple of months back I was attacked and kidnapped by a consortium of hard-nosed space-bandits and stranded in the Poccicks Nebula. Left to die on a planet I had never heard of, I was quickly taken in by a gang of vigilantes and schooled in the ways the Gauinjy, an art of war from time immemorial, and rapidly fought my way through to the royal-coliseum, forced to duel headless dragon-bear after headless dragon-bear to win the hand of Empress-Ruler Lady Antrixtra and, consequently, my freedom. Though I was a passenger in the intergalaxy-pod as it catapulted through the dimensional-gateway, I still felt the entire Poccicks Nebula implode and shrink from existence behind me, and even as I cursed the many-fists of Lord Monbulak for the double-cross, I knew I would have my revenge. I swore vengeance, and I got vengeance...oh, yes.

Perhaps, though, I’ve said too much already.

What matters is that, returning home to find my internet-connection shredded, I managed to MacGyver a link out of four pumpkin-seeds, an inner-tube, and a copy of Bruce Campbell’s autobiography, If Chins Could Kill, and I am finally ready to review a blog. Dawg’s Blog, in fact.

Hold your breath: it’s a Canadian political blog.

Sigh.

You’d think that fighting for the souls of a billion destroyed planets would steel me against apathy, but you’d be wrong. Reviewing this blog after such a prolonged absence is akin to fasting for a month and then sitting down to a meal of boiled mud and half-cooked pygmy-testicles. Don’t get me wrong, Marie Eve and Dr. Dawg, you two-headed cyber-pundit; your blog isn’t bad, it’s just politics.

I mean, being Canadian myself, I know there’s an election afoot. As a man who’s referred to our country’s Prime Minister as Stephen "Cold Eyes of a Baby-Eater" Harper, I agree with your viewpoint. Your posts are well-written, extensively-researched, and boring as fuck. While it’s good to know that, among other things, you folks are relentlessly calling Harper on his pathetic, electioneering veneer of false working-class heroism, for me this is the equivalent of reading a copy of Knitter’s Weekly cover-to-cover, or watching the Paint-Drying Network’s A Lighter Shade of Mauve marathon. You guys are so hyper-niched that you make the guy down the road from me who talks to hubcaps look like Oprah.

Not that super-niche isn’t the way to go, necessarily; there are probably dozens, literally dozens of people who want to read about Canadian politics, but I’m not one of them. What I can say, however, is that you’d be doing your readers one hell of a favour if you gussied up your site a smidge. I’m not saying you should drown the thing in graphics or blow your budget on a header or anything; I’m saying something, anything other than your standard Blogger-template would, at the very least, differentiate you from the countless others rocking that look.

So, after all that, keep up the good work. I’m glad you guys are out there doing your thing, but I just can’t bring myself to read about it.