Wednesday, September 24, 2008

We Ain't Comin' Out

Hello, assholes. Yes, you. It's me, Key.

Today we (and by we, I mean you and I, dear reader) are going to take a trip back in time. It's going to be a shitty one, because I don't remember years very well.

Once upon a time, there was a man. His name was David Koresh. And he stockpiled weapons and sex targets. Yes, I know, I think I may be a direct descendant. Well, he did all of this in Waco, Texas. One day, the ATF decided they were going to fuck with him. Didn't go so well. So, they came back and turned his compound into a large bong. But, they smoked Davidians instead of reefer. The end.

Why, GoK, must we relive this tragedy? Because the blog being reviewed today is from my home state, Texas. Waco? No, Permian/Odessa/Oil Country. Much like the Branch Davidians, I feel like this blog is trying to take my guns and underaged sex partners.

Before I get into this, I do have one thing to get out of the way. Rob and Dede, the authors, are good, good people. Why? Well, they adopted a boy from Russia. And if you know anything about me, you know that I was adopted. So, on a human level, I probably love you, Rob and Dede. Sadly, your blog will cause me to go off to a small university on the east coast and only call you guys when I need money for pot. And condoms. Hey, I'm pretending, I can act like I'll use them. But really, you two, good on ya, there's nothing harder than raising someone else's child. I wish you nothing but the best. Now, on to the ugliness.

If I have one piece of advice for you, my little Dolphins, it is this: you have way too many fucking entries per page. And it fucks up your entire blog. I wanted to move in and have you cook for me, but your entire blog suffers from this one issue. Your archiving is all jacked, please use months (feb, apr, etc..) as opposed to the binary code you have up now. But really, all of your layout issues can be forgiven if you just cut it down to like seven entries per page. Also, I hate dolphins, so you guys were fucked from the start.

The content, well, it's there. I read as much as I could. Look, you're both into information, and your blog shows it. It's just too much for me. I felt like a few bong rips would make your blog a cult classic. My parents would love your blog. There's recipes, strange footwear, and some really in-depth 'did you know' type stuff.

Oh, and there's a ton of shit about dolphins. I'm not linking it, no fucking way. If you need to know about dolphins, read this blog from front to back, you will know more than you ever should know about everyone's favorite tuna additive.

Look, I read a lot of your posts and I honestly feel like I don't know you two any better. I would like to see something real, but I can't find it. I feel like you are both hiding a lot. That's your call, it's your blog.

Congratulations on your beetle, I once sold VW's and had a blast doing it. Side note: I'm green with Irish envy that you have been to the Motherland, very green. I guess I'm confused though. What posesssed you to submit to AAYSR? Look, I understand southern mentality, be polite, gracious at all times, don't upset anyone. I once believed this was a great thing. I know better now.

Rob, Dede, get your crayons back. I think you both are capable of hilarious hijinx. Dirty it up a bit. Do something to grab the reader's attention. But seriously, enough with the fucking dolphins. If you plan on keeping the dolphins, please hire a writer to throw something entertaining up once in a while. Something humorous. Or, better yet, do it YOURSELF.

Y'all get a big fucking

No, wait, I forgot this post. This post, I hated.

Rob/Dede, let me ask you a question: I noticed that you both have cars. Where were these two cars built? Well, I know the Bug was more than likely manufactured in Mexico. By workers that don't take hybrids to work. Know anything about Clean Air Law in Mexico? Let's just say that these aren't the most eco-friendly factories known to man. Getting that Bug into the states burned up some fuel too, didn't it?

Yes, the price of gas is a bitch. Do something about it: stop driving. Or buy a steam locomotive.

Otherwise, get in line with the rest of us assholes. Yes, if you aren't driving an eight cylinder beast, you are going to come off as a dirty commie treehugging hippy. Because some dirty commie treehugging hippy convinced you that you can save the environment by driving an econobox. Good luck with that.

You're a consumer, just like everyone else on this planet, doing your part to destroy the planet. Admit it. If you won't be manipulated by survival of the fittest, I supposed you would be immune to being manipulated by the 'go green' campaign. Which will probably be much more devastating in the long run than all the lies those big horrible tobacco companies told us.

So, I give you this:



Sorry, LB, I just wanted to make sure the flaming fingers, yes four of them, were given an explanation. It was cool until you guys went all Mother Earth on my uber-cynical ass.

69 comments:

  1. They're lucky they got the jack-booted thug. I f'ing hate hippies.

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  2. Oh what a treat. That was a gourmet fucking morsel, Key.

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  3. Thx, Bluestreak. Never trust a fucking hippy.

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  4. There was at least one post that had potential, but it pulled away the moment we started to get intimate (tease!) and became as superficial as the rest of the chaff in there. The navigation made me go She-Hulk and I couldn't look at the blog anymore. Keywork was spot-on about the content and navigation.

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  5. Hope they've had their tetanus shots.

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  6. I'm just hoping one of them comes over and comments. My reviewees have a tendency to be no-shows. But yes, tetanus shots are recommended.

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  7. Yeah, I didn't have that reaction of hatred to the marketing article. For me it was, duh, point out what everyone knows and few try to fix. Like "Supersize Me." Way to just emphasize common knowledge, Master of the Obvious.

    Cars use oil?

    Marketers wants you to think like them?

    This entire blog is about marketing.

    AND: I feel like this blog is unlike dolphins in every behavior and quality embraced by the animal.

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  8. PS: Leave the hippies alone. Some of us just want to ride our bikes without getting hit by a bus.

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  9. Yes, Rass, I found it rather hypocritical to say the least. Why do you buy a Volkswagen? The cool commercials. Oh, and you like to tell people what a big fan of German/Nazi engineering you are. Did you suffer through the copious posts referring to 'Supersize Me'? OMFA.

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  10. Rass, my father was a longhair back when such stylings got your ass kicked in Texas. He's more into saving money than he is into saving the environment. An honest hippy, if you will.

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  11. Ok, ok, I'm here. I'm current on my shots and jacked up on Flintstone vitamins, so I'm ready for anything!

    'Preciate the feedback, but how can ya harsh on dolphins just on principle? Lordy, step away from the Red Bull and get some looser-fitting boxers, dude! How lame-ass would it have been for a blog called 2Dolphins
    to not have any dolphin-related stuff? And this from a cat-lover?! Next, you'll be ripping on Project Linus (seriously honorable cause, btw!) for having so many dang posts about freakin' blankets! Jeez, can't win fer losin'...

    "What possessed you to submit to AAYSR?" Well, hell, we're adoptive parents, so obviously we're gluttons for punishment! Actually, I'm just starved for attention and haven't had a solid thrashing in awhile...

    I gotta take exception to the fact that you didn't say anything about the blog's clean design. Yeah, I'm kinda hosed by Blogger on how much I can do with the archives and that's why I left so many posts on the page since navigating backwards is pretty clunky. But at least you won't find any crappy widgets or gizmos, cramped-ass sidebars, money-grubbin' ads, or any of the typical shiite that usually junks up most blogs.

    Anyway, you're welcome to drop by the 2Dolphins Resort & Spa anytime. Just wipe off yer danged jack-boots!

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  12. Wow, harsh. I like them. But then again, I am a mommy blogger. I liked that they use tabs and their site is clean.

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  13. No, Rob, your reasoning is off. Your dolphins don't do shit for underprivileged foster children. They can post about blankets all they want, ass. I don't drink Red Bull, and I usually blog naked. Yes, I know you're starved for attention. That's a horrible reason to submit your blog to this site. Yes, your site is pretty. But grades are handed out on content as well. Trust me, I could have been much more harsh. But I honestly had a soft spot for you guys because of the adoption angle. Now, said soft spot is festering and I feel like maybe I should have taken a few prisoners. Look, Rob, a clean design is nice, but you can't put lipstick on a pig and not expect some strange glances. Oh, I went there.

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  14. Also, Rob, you could have been reviewed by LB.

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  15. Peter Stormare made me want a Volkswagen. German engineering in the house, ja. Deutschland represent.

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  16. Ok GoK, so I took one piece of your advice and did back down the number of posts on the main page so it's not so glacially slow to load. Gratsi.

    Also, Rob, you could have been reviewed by LB.

    oh, bring it!

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  17. Hey, Rob - I like the tag when we scroll over your site name in that comment you just left.

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  18. Rob, don't front. You couldn't handle my review, I doubt seriously that you would really want an LB review.

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  19. Yeah Rass, sometimes I have my moments...

    GoK, I'm flying high on 4 cups of sugar-free Swiss Miss hot cocoa this morning, so I'm pretty well invincible. That which doesn't kill ya...

    Btw, my point on the cars thing isn't that Dede's superior German-engineered (Oh, snap!) & Mexican-built car doesn't use gas. Of course it does. And my Honda (built in Ohio, but prolly by illegal immigrants) uses gas too. But they both use much, much less of it than the comparable 4 wheel drive, 8 cylinder, lane-hogging, beefy burrito of manhood, big-dick truck (with dubs, 'natch) that most of the rednecks around here (and prolly in Colorado too) to commute your latte-swillin' butt to work & back. Jeez, people have a modicum of common sense about this crap. Maybe that post was kinda stating the obvious, but maybe a more than a few people could benefit from a stiff dose of the obvious (and a shot of Cabo Wabo) to yank 'em out of their apathetic stupor.

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  20. Wait, now you're preaching to the apathetic? Rob, who are you? What planet are you from? Why did they make you leave? I want to know.

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  21. I'm flying high on 4 cups of sugar-free Swiss Miss hot cocoa...

    This makes me think of the time my ex told me during sex that I was like 'swiss mocha in the wind'.

    I hate you for making me relive that moment.

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  22. Swiss mocha in the wind is a bad thing?

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  23. I prefer my wind like it was intended: all wind. No additives.

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  24. I'm praying for a retaliation post. Work is exceptionally dull today.

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  25. Ah shit, Ghost...

    He tried to take it like a man and still you accuse him of fronting.

    You confrontation monger.

    And DPH. You are like Swiss Mocha in the wind. Me? I'm like the Swiss Miss chick with gas.

    Whatever.

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  26. Tits McGee, at least you have new boobs. Even if you are gassy, you've got some funbags to play with!

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  27. Dammit, now I understand why 2Dolphins didn't fare any better... I forgot the requisite chainsaw photo! Somehow I thought I could slide by with a lawnmower video instead...

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  28. You didn't fare better because you suck.

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  29. Someday I might even be regarded as something more than just a new pair of tits, until then...

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  30. LOL, not anytime soon Tits McGee.

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  31. Rob, funny how time heals all wounds, isn't it. The chainsaw pic would have helped for sure. Tits, I think you have a lovely set of personality. Really, you do. You're not just a dumb blonde with a nice ass.

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  32. You're confusing my ass for DPH's... Mine is just big.

    Like my personalities.

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  33. My bad Tits, you're not just a dumb blonde with a big ass.

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  34. I don't think that the two dolphins were bad at all. I hope that they keep at it and the lawnmower thing was cute.

    GOK, you're a fucking hypocrite because you have TEN posts on your front page and your font sucks butt. Love you anyway.

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  35. And I wouldn't have said anything about your own blog if you hadn't linked to it in your review - twice.

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  36. Queen, I didn't link it. LB did that. I didn't say shit about his font, I had more issues with his content. It sucks.

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  37. Also, I submitted a few weeks back, maybe you'll be the lucky one to review my hole.

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  38. And it doesn't take a half hour to scroll through my 10 posts. Really, Queen, are you 'in bed' with these folk?

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  39. Why doesn't anyone want to be reviewed by ME? I am so damn nice. I'm understatedly nice. Hidden nice. Nice with an edge.

    Sheesh. I'm so misunderstood. I'm a threat tossed around by my peers.

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  40. Yes, a threat. It's because of your consistency in the area of 'nice'.

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  41. After my own review, I ran right out and got a shirt that read:

    Nice = Love Bites

    Now, I have to officially name my boobs Nice and Love Bites but you know. Sometimes love bites nicely.

    If you're into that sort of thing.

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  42. I didn't say that you said anything about his font. But your font is obnoxious. So I felt like with you having linked to your own blog twice, it was like you were bragging. Now, if you didn't link it in, then I apologize.

    I do tend to look for the good in a blog. There are a lot of blogs that are simply horrible and I am surely not putting yours in that category. But I don't believe that this one should be there either.

    I haven't read your stuff yet. The look of it made me click out. But I am sure that there's gold there. I can tell that just by the comments that I read on this site.

    All I am saying is that this blog was not a four finger blog, in my opinion. Now we all have opinions, that's why we're here.

    I am sure I should not have crossed the line of picking on your review. Professional courtesy or something, but I am not a professional reviewer, I am not paid, I am just doing this for the grins and giggles.

    So, sorry if I pissed you off, but that's the way I saw it. Feel free to rape my reviews up the ass if you want. I've had it happen before and I just deal with that. Not everyone is going to agree with you.

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  43. Well, in the realm of niceness, I like their blog design A LOT. It's really clean and nice, and I like the font size (hint, key, yours is atrocious and I hate that font).

    But the content, Oh. My. FUCKING. GOD. Made me want to slit my wrists from boredom.

    There is NOTHING personal on this blog, and that's so sad, because I would like to know the story of this couple and their journeys to adopt their kids.

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  44. Thanks for the nice words, Mutha!

    Actually, LB, there's a big honkin' tab at the top that says Our Adoption Journal that's pretty detailed about our Russian adoption journey. In fact, we blogged our whole process from day one, including daily posts during the whole month we spent in Moscow.

    Maybe I need to make that a little easier to notice...

    I've left most of the family-oriented stuff off of the main page so I wouldn't be competing with the stuff that Dede posts over there.

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  45. I know, Queen, I was giving you shit. But no, I didn't link my own blog, I assume LB is trying to send me some sort of cryptic message but my male sensiblities have rendered me immune to female suggestion. I hit people on content, because I'm a content blogger. I don't get too involved design-wise mostly because, well, as evidenced on my blog: I don't care much about packaging unless it's just absolutely horrible. If you run a 'marketing blog' which 2d clearly is, you probably should lay off the 'same team' snot rockets. Also, I hate Pro Green Propaganda.

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  46. Wow! Think these people are just honestly nice.


    We might be schmucks people.

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  47. Rob, I noticed the adoption journal. And I totally left this out: you should integrate the two, I think it would give your blog a more personal feeling to it and break up some of the monotony through marketing posts.

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  48. Tits, I'm not a schmuck. Are you?

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  49. Yeah, we've been trying to figure out how to merge the two blogs. We initially had the adoption blog marked as private to comply with our adoption agency's regs...

    Not sure I get the whole "this is a marketing blog." We're totally unmonetized - is that a word?

    Now there was that 1 post (out of like 600?) that actually had the word "marketing" in the title, but that was just a "stop driving big-dick trucks when something more sensible will do" personal rant aimed at moronic rednecks, which is far more likely to get my ass whooped than earn me any money.

    I actually do value the feedback - even the snarky shit. Hey, if ya can't laugh at yourself...

    What's wrong with a little "pro-green" propaganda? You'd prefer "sickeningly cute kittens with hacker l33t-speak" propaganda?

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  50. In your case, Rob, the kittens would be a welcome sight. Dude, you should be making money. Your blog is full of 'check this out' and 'we were pleasantly surprised' type of shit. You guys sold Amway back in the day, didn't you? Don't lie, I can smell Amway quicker than DPH can smell fried chicken. That's funny because she's half black.

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  51. The crock pot blog post was like marketing, I thought that too, but I love crockpots, so I left a comment on that one. The Tuesday thing is sort of marketing. It may be a freebie, but it's promotion. I do some of that from time to time, if I find something outstanding, like fake peanut butter, but I don't make it a routine. You don't have to be making money to look like you're marketing.

    I prefer a blog that hits me between the eyes. The problem is that it's going to be something different for every person. Blogs that get into the dirt just don't do it for me, most of the time. I like things on the softer side. That lawnmower video even had me screaming, "MY GOD HE'S GOING TO RUN THE KID OVER!"

    When are we getting the pirate blog? That's one I will set my alarm clock for.

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  52. Here:

    Exhibit A: the recent Crock post. Not only do you mention where you bought it, you described it in a manner that would most certainly make it easier for me to find it at Sam Walton's Local 'Fuck Your Local Economy' Mart.

    Exhibit B: Exhibit B is every post. Really, take a look back at your last thirty posts and tell me that there's no 'marketing' to be found. Yes, the word 'marketing' is nowhere to be found, but most humans with a second grade education know when the rub is in.

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  53. But it takes until 6th grade to know when to rub it out.

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  54. Okay, just putting a thought process out here now which is probably irrelevant.

    If you're going to propagandize anything, you better fucking LIVE it. Otherwise, you're just a hypocrite.

    You very well might recycle and use solar power and plant trees. Maybe you've fuel-celled your Honda, or you go around collecting cooking oil from restaurants to power a converted diesel bus. Maybe you're a vegetarian and you don't wear leather, maybe you see a holistic healer and shop at locally grown farmer's markets. Maybe you donate four cents per therm on your electric bill to an alternative energy research institute.

    I don't give a crap what it is. You very well might apply the pro-green. If so, good for you.

    Just practice what you preach.

    The thing is, preaching and marketing is not going to change people's minds. It might introduce them to new concepts, but never change. To change a mindset, to really be an influence, you have to exist as an example.

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  55. Y'know, I never stepped back and thought about it from that angle. I thought we were just passing on stuff to others that's of some interest to us. Nobody ever told me that we had become Amway cult-drones. Jeez!

    There's a few rants tossed in here and there, but I sorta figured people would get pissed about me being an opinionated douche if I went with those kinds of posts too often.

    Rass, really I've only greenpreached about using fewer plastic bags - which we do - not driving a wasteful, big-dick SUV or truck - which we don't - and that dolphins are pretty cool - 'cuz my wife likes 'em and, well, they are. So I think I'm kinda walkin' the walk.

    Ok, now I gotta work on getting more chainsaw and kitten photos...

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  56. Rob, I seriously hope the chainsaw and kittens won't be in the same photo.

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  57. Crap, that was exactly what I had in mind, DPH. Jeez, I can't please you folks fer nothin!!

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  58. You could even use the chainsaws on the kittens. I don't like kittens. Dude, it's YOUR blog. Fuck everyone if they don't like YOUR opinion. Opinionated Douche is a far better compliment than Amway Anything. Seriously, be YOURself. It's genuine, it's honest, it's what everyone should commit themselves to. Remember, of all the forms of plagiary, self plagiary is the worst. Ok, I'm burning my soapbox. Anyone interested in a five gallon drum of snake oil?

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  59. I don't know. I mean, for me, I try to do what I can to recycle, reuse, whatever. But I still like take out pizza.

    I am trying to be committed to dieting but here I sit cruising past fudge recipes.

    I can't be one thing all the time, you all know about me trying to reconcile going to church and then blogging here. It's hard. I guess I just figure that we're all conflicted.

    I want to be a peta, health nut, greenie, hippie, vagina voting democrat, but I also want to be a church lady, fat ass, wide ride driving, millionaire CEO. Talk about conflicted.

    GOK, did you really put over 600 words in one paragraph? That takes balls.

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  60. Bet your ass I did, and I'll probably do it again. I hate structured paragraphs.

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  61. There's a few rants tossed in here and there, but I sorta figured people would get pissed about me being an opinionated douche if I went with those kinds of posts too often

    The rants and the story of your adoption are the best pieces of your blog. Trash the rest and go with that. We are all overloaded and bombarded with products day in and day out.

    But when it comes down to it, blogging is about STORIES. Not stuff. Blogging is about having a compelling STORY and telling it. And you do. It should be front and center.

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  62. Just so you know, that was just a thought process, it wasn't targeted toward anyone.

    Be. Or, if you want, Do.

    In all seriousness, Rob, I'm with LB: you've got good stories and decent writing. I'd rather read those.

    Queen: who is just one thing? The crazies.

    (By the way, don't ever listen to a word I say. I cry when I'm drunk and crush on cartoons.)

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  63. Rassles, I, too, crush on cartoons. You are not alone. In that regard. Crying when you're drunk? Pussy.

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  64. "I want to be a peta, health nut, greenie, hippie, vagina voting democrat, but I also want to be a church lady, fat ass, wide ride driving, millionaire CEO. Talk about conflicted."

    Classic.

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  65. Granted, no one sees me cry. At least, no one who sees me cry survives.

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  66. Mutha, I have much the same confliction, although what I want in regards to my ass really doesn't matter. It will remain fat, regardless.

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Grow a pair.