Friday, October 10, 2008

I was snifffin' a lot of gasoline at the time (4:06)

Once upon a time, I had the coolest neighbors in the world. And, once upon a drunken New Year's Eve, I introduced them to the White Stripes (and the rest is history) and they introduced me to the dancing outlaw. Take four randy couples, mix in several bottles of champagne and a dancing outlaw, and you have a party to remember.

All I know about West Virginia was given to me by Jesco. Until today, when I found myself face to face with Tor Herschman, who bills himself as the world's funniest iconoclast.

I had high hopes for a man who knew the term iconoclast and hailed from West Virginia, but apparently, Jesco is not the only one who's been sniffin' too much gasoline.

I never thought I say this, but I prefer a drunken, dancing, redneck, partially brain dead from inhalants backward ass country fuck to Tor.

Tor has his own fan club. It has 7 members. Compare this to Jesco White, who has 254 members in his fan club. Perhaps this is because Jesco White, and his on-again, off-again wife Norma, are at least interesting in a rednecky train wreck kinda way.

Tor has his own lingo, an stolen stew of synthetic dialect that feels counterfeited:
Since moi’s massive heart-attack and quintuple bypass surgery moi gets an occasional “Hope you’re alright” E sooooooo moi thought I’d tell you fine folks that moi may begin to blog post every season, or so, rather than each month.
You know, a manufactured dialect based upon the sounds of real Southern speech worked aight for William Faulkner, but you're no Faulkner. Your use of dialect is distracting, impossible to decipher, and inconsistent. Furthermore, it feels forced and amateurish, not to mention condescending.

It lessens the writing (which is fucking sadder than an emo kid who's lost his razor blades) and the chronic use of moi is annoying as fuck. This over usage of dialect comes across, more than anything, as a mockery of hill people and their speech.

My dad grew up in the Ozark Mountains, and his speech is a charming, gentle stew of country colloquialisms underlaid with the rich twang of the Missouri hill people. As a girl who grew up steeped in his accent and my own, Tor's ear for translating country speech comes across to me as about as sensitive as a fence post.

The content is piss poor, the blog layout design is non-existent, and the writing is a huge pile of festering manure.

Back to square one, blog nooblet.

You don't get to use dialect until you've mastered basic English and can write well in it.I always try to read at least a couple of months of posts for the blogs that I review, but I couldn't force myself to do it.

This is a pustulating scab of pretentious twaddle on the nether regions of the internet. Instead of sniffing gasoline, Tor should drench himself in it and light his corncob pipe.

Here, let me be of assistance:

12 comments:

  1. If Tor is as old as he looks, then he definitely proves that our Home Minister isn't the only senior citizen with the communication skills of a giggly 9th grader.

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  2. Moi cannot believe he's been writing that crap for 4 years.

    I hope I never see the word "moi" on a blog again.

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  3. If blogs were audible, I would have pulled a Van Gogh on my ass after that.

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  4. Thank the sweet baby Jesus he only posts once a month. We are spared daily doses of his gibberish.

    I once had seven OFFICIAL fan club members, but I lost them to rampaging hillbilly butt monkeys on a rafting trip in Georgia. Alas.

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  5. He was reviewed way back in 10/17/06, http://iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com/2006/10/what-phuck.html

    he got a crappy review then, the blog is the same piece of confusing mental masturbation as it was then, what a tool.

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  6. Love Bites - unbelievable! I've been a Jesco White fan since something like 1993! I love you for even the mere mention of his name.
    'Jesco, are we gonna do it tonight?'
    'Only if you call me Elvis and let me call you Prisilla.'

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  7. He looks like a nice guy. I hate it when people talk about themselves in third person, only Miss Piggy can use the word "moi" (and I suppose actual French people. Maybe. But they still make it sound pretentious.), and I read through a little bit and understood none.

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  8. Fuck this blog. The couple that ran Ration Reality were both from WV. Never saw them use 'moi'.

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  9. I'd expect that shit from a 12 year old girl.

    Wanker with a moustache.

    You should have to pass a fucking personality test to get internet access.

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  10. "It lessens the writing (which is fucking sadder than an emo kid who's lost his razor blades)"

    I hope you know that I'm going to use that. Every day. For the rest of moi life.

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  11. What if he said methinks?

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Grow a pair.