Friday, October 17, 2008

Sex Kitten or Plodding Pussy?

A review by Miss Missives:

When I saw my latest victim, Pitter Patter of Pink Piddy Paws: Tackling life and love with laughter and kitty treats, nestled among the days emails, I threw up in my mouth a little. Kitty is a divorcee' who has named and themed her blog after her cat.

Pretty, pretty please, not another blog filled with picture after picture of some woman's cat dressed like Hermione from Harry Potter. No more lumbering, lengthy, lamenting posts of nights alone forming cobwebs in her underbrush and dulling her senses with the dulcet tones of Deal or No Deal and cheap Thai takeout.

Never one to shirk work without good reason, I gave serious consideration to slamming my fingers in a door so that I'd have a worthy excuse to offer up for having not completed my assignment. Sadly, I couldn't think of how to satisfactorily slam both hands simultaneously so I relented and began my descent into what would no doubt be putrid platitudes, the stinky spatter of kitty spew and a festering filthpot of feline felching.

Right off the bat, Kitty alluded to her upcoming review where she wondered if she'd, "take it up the tailpipe from her reviewer". Now Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Miss Missives is a lady and the only thing I'll be strapping on for your review are my ass-kicking boots.


Thankfully, Kitty writes very little about her cat and much more about her affinity for girl boobies much like our resident Dirty Pirate Hooker, her boyfriend's inappropriate fascination with little people and her sex life.

Sometimes titles promise titillation, but end up rather neutered upon reading. Some posts are quietly confessional and relateable. Others are a little sexy and sweet.

Kitty dear, you are funny, personal and sometimes snarky but you are one rambling, wordy trollop. Your writing would seriously benefit from a giant, eye-pokingly sharp red pencil. Cut out 30% of what you originally plunk down and you'll be 80% more readable. Your paragraph structure, or lack thereof, starting every sentence on a new line and abundant use of extraneous punctuation is less the interesting meanderings of conversation and more the spastic flailing of someone who should don a padded helmet. When people over thirteen write things like, "This weekend was A..M..A..Z..I..N..G..!!!," it makes Miss Missives want to D..I..S..M..E..M..B..E..R them slowly while they are fully conscious!!!

As for the niceties or lack of when it comes to the overall structure. For the love of Miao-Shan clean up your sidebar, it looks like a twelve year old girl's junk drawer all manner of detritus tumbling about. As for your posts, I prefer 'posted by', 'comments', and 'labels' at the end of the post rather than at the beginning as you have it. When the post begins with the title and date, your site looks much cleaner and easier to navigate.

Kitty, there's good stuff here and you post regularly so you get a big gold star for that but much of it's buried in wordiness and lost in your sometimes nonsensical wandering. You don't have to lose your 'voice' by structuring your writing more carefully, it would actually make your point of view come through more clearly. That along with some relentless editing and you're on your way.

18 comments:

  1. I hated this blog. It was so busy it made me nervous. Shit flashing and baby talk and..and what the fuck is wrong with Nolte's Hawaiian shirt? She has never been to Hawaii or she would understand that bright is better. She needs a vacation in the tropics. I just met a woman who is so fucking neurotic and cat crazy she put me in this mood and I am taking it out on Miss Pussy or whatever her name is. And this is coming from a cat lover, an animal feline type cat lover, let's keep that straight.

    I submitted my blog for review on this site but I wonder why now. I don't write about sex and fantasies. I don't follow movie stars or fashion trends. I am not a mommie blogger and frankly, I gave up being pissed off about life and I am trying to find some fucking peace in this fucked up world. Anyhow like I said this woman I am catsitting for is driving me nuts and i had to take it out on someone. it seems this is the venting station of all places so thanks. i feel better.

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  2. Holy crap, I think I just pooped myself. No wait, that's just the oatmeal. Thanks for the kind review Miss Missives and for not buggering me. Ass kicking boots are HOT so I'll take it.

    Self editing? Not my best talent, obviously. Oh, Creative Writing I aced, Grammar I failed. Go figure.

    Sidebar? Oh come now, Hot, Hot Beaver Action has to be worth a point or two. I promise to fork over the dough and upgrade to custom CSS though. Clean that shit up, check!

    Cheers,
    Kitty

    p.s. -- Dirty Pirate Hooker better stop teasing me with her boobies or I'm going to fly to CO and join her and GOK! She's such a filthy, trampy tease. (love ya babe!)

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  3. I submitted my blog for review on this site but I wonder why now. I don't write about sex and fantasies. I don't follow movie stars or fashion trends. I am not a mommie blogger and frankly, I gave up being pissed off about life and I am trying to find some fucking peace in this fucked up world. Anyhow like I said this woman I am catsitting for is driving me nuts and i had to take it out on someone. it seems this is the venting station of all places so thanks. i feel better.

    I don't need sex, from you at least, to be happy. I hate people who blog about movies/television, unless it's one of our regulars (Captain Steve, Rassles) who brings something more than the standard suburban housewife take. I loathe mommy bloggers.

    We like people who WRITE. Do you write?

    But, I do hope you feel better.

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  4. About this blog...how old is this woman? I'll tell you how old she is...old enough to write in complete fucking sentences and have some sort of internal coherence to what she writes.

    No. DO. NOT. LIKE.

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  5. If Miss Kitty is 15, fine. Although, my daughter's MYSPACE PROFILE IS CLEANER AND NEATER THAN THIS HEAP OF CATSHIT. ehem.

    If this woman is older than 15, however, she needs to:

    Clean up her fucking sidebar.
    Lose the breathy teenage tone.

    GOd, when did I get so old and bitter?

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  6. I know a lot of people say, oh I write like I talk. To Miss Kitty I say, what, are you on uppers like 24/7?

    She's like my best friend who I love dearly but she'll tell a story and I know it's going to be funny because we have a similar sense of humor but I'm all like, get to the fuckin point already, geez.

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  7. to LOVE BITES. Yes, I write. I may write about weird shit but I write. There may be too many photos of cats on my blog page, my ramblings may be too long at times, and sometimes, as you see, I rant!

    I have been checking out all the blogs you review and today's is the only one that really made me a little dizzy. A few days ago I actually wanted to vomit when I read the guy's blog who talks about MOI and MOI....so, do you think this guy's shit really does NOT stink? He certainly is convinced of it.

    I am just having fun today, once I vented from the paranoid schizo whose cats I am feeding I am fine now. Thanks. Did I mention they are from France?

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  8. Miss Missives10/17/2008 12:37 PM

    LB- You're not old and bitter, you're hot and mean. It's a good combination, like choicolate and peanut butter, and driveways and sex.

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  9. Pablo -- Obviously you are not a fan of The Princess Bride or you would get the reference. I don't do baby talk, thank you very much. Thanks for hating my blog because you are having a craptastic day. Hopefully the psycho you are cat sitting for will choke on a hairball and barf on you. Cheers!

    love bites -- Damn, I actually cleaned my heap of CATSHIT up before I submitted my blog. You'd have had a fucking aneurysm otherwise. No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could save your life so that others could enjoy your superb vitriol.

    formerly fun -- No drugs here, just a lot of passion (sometimes misguided) but lots of it none the less.

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  10. I should make her hold her cat aloft whilst I slit it from gusset to gullet as reward for her being responsible for such complete, utter, and comprehensive nonsense.

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  11. At least she's been good natured about it. But Christ, those are some long, meaningless posts. And the punctuation makes me crazy.

    She does link to one of my guilty pleasures, though: Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. Embarrassing, but true.

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  12. hey Pink Paws....I apologize, you do NOT have baby talk on your page. The embarrassing thing at the moment is I do not remember whose page has it but it was disgusting. I still feel your page made me dizzy. The broken lines and the flashy stuff and silly stuff.

    Frankly if the paranoid cat owner pukes hairballs on me it would be fine, because she would probably never want to talk to me again and i do not actually feel a friendship budding there.

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  13. Oh shit, you have to talk about sex or be a mommy blogger to get a good review on this site?


    Oh wait. Never mind.

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  14. Father Gene -- Now, now, you can mess with me all you want. Call me a horse humping bitch or a cock juggling thunder cunt if you like but the MINUTE you start fucking with my cat, all bets are OFF! Don't make me come over there and bitch slap you with a dictionary. Gullet is right but gusset has nothing to do with anatomy ya perverted, boy buggering fool. :)

    Calamity -- Thanks! I'm giggling the whole time and yes, I do tend to ramble.

    pablo -- okay, okay but seriously Hot, Hot Beaver Action is funny stuff! Cheers.

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  15. Blogs reviewing other blogs seems so meta.

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  16. I like this whore. Mostly because she calls me names and wants to play with my boobs, but I'm ok with that.

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Grow a pair.