Monday, October 20, 2008

This Review Is Revolting


This, friends, is Colby Marshall:

"If you enjoy mindless ramblings, you’re in for a treat, because they are my specialty."

Yes, and beside that mortifying "about me" is a picture of a girl hugging a cat.

This is as toxic as blogs get, folks: a young(ish?) girl writing trifling, clunky, inane tripe with enthusiasm; it’s like reading a church-newsletter written for people with brain-tumors. I’m more intrigued by the fuckstain I just left on my mattress, and I’ve studied that thing, like, 100 times. It’s neat, like a Rorschach-test of bodily-fluids, and I think I see a butterfly!

Try to get through a post that’s longer than a paragraph, I fucking dare you. It feels as though I’ve shown up to a kegger with a cask of whiskey and found everyone sitting in a circle singing Kumbaya and playing duck-duck-goose. I’d rather listen to my father admit on his deathbed to a life of pederasty than read the stultifying muck of this blog. If I had a kid who wrote this as a 4th grade creative-writing project, I’d wad it up into a ball, jam it under his bed, and light his room on fire.

This is serious, people. You say "sweet girl who’s not doing anyone any harm", I say "demon let loose on earth to diminish expectations of creativity"; you say "oh, it’s not that bad", I say "it’s worse than shaving my face with a cheese-grater"; you say, "Jesus Christ, Nutjobber, why d’you gotta be such a fucking asshole?", I say "it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, and both of mine are flat-lining after spending an evening combing through this mess trying to find something to interest me", and none of our clever back-and-forth would do anything to diminish my point: I don’t want to read this blog any more than I want a quack with a funny hat doing my vasectomy, I don’t care how nice either of them are.

I would feel bad about being so mean were I not being truthful; this is kind of like a ten-year-old with a newborn-kitten losing her way and suddenly finding herself down a darkened alley staring Mike Tyson in the face. Does anyone believe that ol’ Iron Mike would turn off his crazy for a second and help the kid find her way home? No, he’d eat the kid and then he'd skull-fuck the cat.

So, perhaps we should look at this as an Ask and Ye Shall Receive cat-head skull-fucking; I’m sure Colby is a nice girl and everything else and she’s the best and everyone loves her and blah fucking blah, but the internet is a big, bad place, with lots and lots places for us to go and get our read-on, and this piffling little drop in the bucket is miles away from anything I would find even remotely entertaining.

Hey, if you’re looking for qualifiers, here’s one: to me, this blog is fucking poison, a gaggle of grungy hypodermic-needles overflowing with radioactive-strychnine poked directly into the pupils of my eyes. However, if you’re the sort that enjoys reading about Santa Claus in red-text, Halloween in orange-text, or you feel bold enough to careen through the EIGHTEEN Miley Cyrus-labeled posts, well, have at it.

For trusty ol’ Nutjobber though, dadgum it, she gets one of these:



That’s right: no tips, no suggestions, no advice... just a flaming finger and the relief of never, ever having to suffer through that blog again.

35 comments:

  1. Well, the Llama has character...

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  2. HAHAHA! Colby happens to be one of my faves - because I know how batshit crazy she is in real life. She will probably ENJOY your review, no matter how scathing. Kudos.

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  3. HAHAHA!!! I love it! I couldn't have asked for anything better. Thanks!!!!

    the only thing I'll take mention of, though, is that I wish you'd included that the labeled "Miley Cyrus" posts are about me HATING Miley Cyrus...I don't want anyone thinking it's because I think she's great. Now THAT would tarnish my reputation...

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  4. And we wouldn't want her or her kitty's reputation trashed or tarnished.

    That would be wrong.

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  5. Is it wrong that I just want to go at her teeth with a small hammer?

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  6. Not right now thanks, I've just eaten.

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  7. Well. That was incredible.

    She's silly and cute and probably uses baby talk. So, basically, we could never be friends.

    But, and I stress that conjunction with my every fiber of my being, she's headed for obnoxious mommy blogger territory, and we don't need any more of those. Colby, you're teetering.

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  8. Oh, she's a mommy? Damn, I thought she was 13! I did know a 13 year old that had a baby back in the day, but she was also on Geraldo. Colby looks to tidy to be on Geraldo.

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  9. Wow, if you guys think I'm a headed for mommy blogging, you obviously didn't read anything on that blog, because I can't stand children. And, nope, not thirteen...23.

    And I'll thank you to leave my teeth alone, Father.

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  10. No, she's not a mommy, but she's married. Babies perhaps will follow, and subsequent mommybloggage about strollers and the like.

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  11. and rassles, nope, no baby talk. Another disgusting habit I thoroughly disapprove of. In face, I did a whole post on the subject http://colbymarshall.blogspot.com/2008/08/what-baby-talk.html

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  12. And even if there are no children in the future...I can just feel that writing style, lurking in the shadows.

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  13. No baby talk? You sure? With all those cat promos?

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  14. But you train dogs...is that right? Then it follows that baby talk would be a no for you.

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  15. True, I train dogs. Not to mention that baby talk is just stupid...I'm pretty sure that baby talk just makes babies hate people and grow up to be serial killers...or dirty blog reviewers ;-)

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  16. You know what? Despite the fact I would really enjoy smashing her molars, she's not bad at all.

    She needs to edit, cut half the shit out because it will put people off, but there are some clever and amusing posts in there.

    Once you get past the inevitable horrific first impression, this is a lot better than an awful lot of the shit we see here.

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  17. Judging by her reaction to the review, looks like she's insane, which is always a plus. But linking to LOL Cats is so beyond horrible.

    Bad reviews to people who seem nice make me sad. I'm sensitive like that. But she links to LOL Cats, so fuck it.

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  18. What happened to the list of doom?

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  19. That, dearest divine Jessica, is a very good question...

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  20. Y'know what, Colby? You're right: I should've mentioned that you didn't actually like Miley Cyrus. Kind of unfair.

    Also, full-on kudos for taking this unnecessarily, ridiculously-scathing review in the spirit it was intended - I got to have fun without the guilt of making someone cry.

    It's win-win!

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  21. Yeah she took this rather well. With the fuckstain and what-not.

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  22. Man, I didn't know you could get this kind of abuse for free...I submitted my blog right away after reading that. Sweeet. I always wanted blog advice from a site that doesn't keep their "best of" rating links up-to-date. I popped into four of them to see who really has rockin' blogs and what do my wondering eyes should appear, but a blog not written in since March of this year! I tried yet another, to witness some ink, but alas it was private, now there's a useful link! ha ha ha

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  23. The list of doom fell through the cracks of my weekend. On the list of my priorities, I must tell you, it falls well below:

    1) Having sex with my hot boyfriend.
    2) Hanging out with my kids.
    3) Cleaning my house.
    4) Traveling to Sacramento for work. I'll try to get it up today.

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  24. VE really needs to fuck off and die.

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  25. Judging by how much his blog stinks I think he may have done.

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  26. His scathingness would be a lot more appropriate if he didn't suck harder than a hoover.

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  27. A pissy canary yellow collection of knob rot.

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  28. Ha ha ha. That's it? That's the best you can do? But I do like the "knob rot" comment. Sums up my material very nicely. Can't wait for the real abuse later...

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  29. Seriously, VE, I was exposed to more entertainment, wit, and interesting subject matter when I rolled back my 7 week unwashed foreskin just now.

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  30. So, the good father is now parenting his own phallic ecosystem?

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  31. FG, that shit burns my nostrils from here.

    Jubs, eviiiiiil review. Nicely done. Although I didn't hate her nearly as much. In fact, I actually didn't hate her at all. But the fuck stain made it all worthwhile. As did her ability to take the abuse.

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Grow a pair.