Revenge of the Mindless Mommyblogs

Devi is a new mom, and by that, I mean a brand new mom. Her baby is all of 13 days old, and Devi is still stuck in the "ain't gettin' no sleep, no how" stage. She's only had her blog up since August, and clearly, she hasn't read our FAQ.

Devi: Please read the FAQ. Then read this.

Your template is nothing to write home about (standard blogger black). Your sidebar is busy and full of bullshit that doesn't need to be there. Would you people please fix this shit BEFORE you submit to us, so we don't have to keep saying the same damn thing?

Jesus H. Christ. Y'all are not toddlers, you know. There is no reason we should have to keep repeating ourselves seventy-eleven times here.

There isn't much meat on the blog, to date, so I'm strictly going to focus on where I think this blog SHOULD go.

First, Devi, you need to actually WRITE. Right now, your blog is boring as fuck. I know that childbirth is all a big beautiful miracle to you, and that's sweet as can be, but for the rest of us, unless you emotionally engage us, I was checked out at the first post. There are literally ten million mommy blogs out there right now, and yours is exactly the same as the rest. There is nothing that sets you apart from any of them.

So, secondly, you need to figure out WHY YOU ARE BLOGGING? What story do you hope to tell? Are you keeping this blog for yourself, for your newborn baby, for the relatives and friends, or what? Because, depending on your goals here, that is going to shape the direction of the blog. Personally, I hate mommyblogs with the burning passion of ten million nuclear explosions, but some people like them (go figure, some people like oatmeal, and blog about it, too). I don't know why anyone would do that, it's on par with writing about your bowel functions (and when you get there, you are rock bottom in the toilet of the blogosphere and should get off the damn computer and get a life).

Who you're blogging for will determine the content of your posts. If you're blogging for you, what stories do YOU need to tell? Because, frankly, if you don't NEED to write--obsessively--passionately--zestfully--painfully--please fucking stop. You're just clogging up the blogosphere with something that is literally painful to read. And, I'm sick of the low standard of quality out there online these days. Looking for good blogs these days is like pawing through a huge pile of shit in search of a diamond.

If you're writing for your baby girl, what stories do you want to tell her? What do you want her to know? What memories do you want to treasure up for her and spill on her later? A blog is great for that, but you aren't telling these stories, for the most part. You're keeping a daily log of events, and frankly, I'd rather read someone's discarded grocery list.

If you're writing for friends and neighbors and family, don't fucking submit here, because none of us wants to read the blog equivalent of babyfood. There's a reason we stop eating that mushy tasteless pablum when we're toddlers--because it's mushy, tasteless, pablum.

So, figure out who you are, and why you're doing this, before you submit to us.

For now? In spite of the fact that you're a new mom, your blog is such a waste of time (mine, and yours) that I'm giving you a short bus. Either write something of substance, or don't bother me.