Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Revenge of the Mindless Mommyblogs

Devi is a new mom, and by that, I mean a brand new mom. Her baby is all of 13 days old, and Devi is still stuck in the "ain't gettin' no sleep, no how" stage. She's only had her blog up since August, and clearly, she hasn't read our FAQ.

Devi: Please read the FAQ. Then read this.

Your template is nothing to write home about (standard blogger black). Your sidebar is busy and full of bullshit that doesn't need to be there. Would you people please fix this shit BEFORE you submit to us, so we don't have to keep saying the same damn thing?

Jesus H. Christ. Y'all are not toddlers, you know. There is no reason we should have to keep repeating ourselves seventy-eleven times here.

There isn't much meat on the blog, to date, so I'm strictly going to focus on where I think this blog SHOULD go.

First, Devi, you need to actually WRITE. Right now, your blog is boring as fuck. I know that childbirth is all a big beautiful miracle to you, and that's sweet as can be, but for the rest of us, unless you emotionally engage us, I was checked out at the first post. There are literally ten million mommy blogs out there right now, and yours is exactly the same as the rest. There is nothing that sets you apart from any of them.

So, secondly, you need to figure out WHY YOU ARE BLOGGING? What story do you hope to tell? Are you keeping this blog for yourself, for your newborn baby, for the relatives and friends, or what? Because, depending on your goals here, that is going to shape the direction of the blog. Personally, I hate mommyblogs with the burning passion of ten million nuclear explosions, but some people like them (go figure, some people like oatmeal, and blog about it, too). I don't know why anyone would do that, it's on par with writing about your bowel functions (and when you get there, you are rock bottom in the toilet of the blogosphere and should get off the damn computer and get a life).

Who you're blogging for will determine the content of your posts. If you're blogging for you, what stories do YOU need to tell? Because, frankly, if you don't NEED to write--obsessively--passionately--zestfully--painfully--please fucking stop. You're just clogging up the blogosphere with something that is literally painful to read. And, I'm sick of the low standard of quality out there online these days. Looking for good blogs these days is like pawing through a huge pile of shit in search of a diamond.

If you're writing for your baby girl, what stories do you want to tell her? What do you want her to know? What memories do you want to treasure up for her and spill on her later? A blog is great for that, but you aren't telling these stories, for the most part. You're keeping a daily log of events, and frankly, I'd rather read someone's discarded grocery list.

If you're writing for friends and neighbors and family, don't fucking submit here, because none of us wants to read the blog equivalent of babyfood. There's a reason we stop eating that mushy tasteless pablum when we're toddlers--because it's mushy, tasteless, pablum.

So, figure out who you are, and why you're doing this, before you submit to us.

For now? In spite of the fact that you're a new mom, your blog is such a waste of time (mine, and yours) that I'm giving you a short bus. Either write something of substance, or don't bother me.

20 comments:

  1. Dreadful.

    This is what afterbirth would read like.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was an absolutely perfect review.

    I was hoping for at least some story of vaginal tearing during birth or something to keep me interested.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sweet! Getting hate for my blog in a completely unrelated blog review. I've hit the big time baby! That means you actually had to go to my site AFTER my review Love Bites. That's a special kind of hate that warms the cockles of my little kitty heart. :P

    ReplyDelete
  4. Miss Missives10/21/2008 4:16 PM

    Watch out Kitty, Miss Missives will get her strap-on out after all.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Pussy and strap ons. Just what every hooker loves.

    ReplyDelete
  6. DPH has the right of it! Threatening me with a strap on only makes me purrrr, Miss Missives.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ouch. But fair. This:

    "If you're writing for your baby girl, what stories do you want to tell her? What do you want her to know? What memories do you want to treasure up for her and spill on her later?"

    Is brilliant advice for Mommy (and Daddy) bloggers the world over. Man, I love me some constructive criticism.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Kitty,

    You started boring me days ago.

    ReplyDelete
  9. And yet you still reference me LB. Makes me think you might have a dirty little crush. Don't worry, we all have our guilty pleasures. Yours just happens to be me. I won't tell if you don't.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I know you want to make this somehow positive, but there is no way you can spin it that way. I referenced you as a "what not to do" because I was sincerely dumbfounded that ANYONE would blog about oatmeal, EVER. And, because you managed to make oatmeal even more boring than oatmeal already is.

    Hope that helps.

    ReplyDelete
  11. And, for the record, my dirty little pleasure is to toss my boyfriend's salad. There. I said it. I'm a dirty, dirty ass licker.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Why didn't you say so LB? I've got a post about ass flavored TUMS that should be right up your back alley.

    And that was written way before I knew about your salad tossing ways.

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Back the fuck up, Pussy. You're a goddamned shitty baseball card in the spokes of an even shittier bike, making shitty noises all down this prestigious street. Really. Leave it alone.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh, look, Ghost started drinking again. Things are about to get ugly again.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Do I need to fly out west and spank your blindingly white ass, you drunken slut?

    ReplyDelete
  16. No, I'm good. Felt like she needed a nasty look.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank god I'm not the onlyt fuckin drunk round these aprts.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Christ, I saw the lack of caps and the ellipses explosion and ran away screaming.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Yes, Rass, but you're still the resident drunk bitch.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.