Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Skinny Bitches Piss Me Off

This morning, our thermometer measured the outside air at a frosty 38F. For Florida, this is not just cold, it is FUCKING cold. I smiled, eased out of bed, and was mildly ecstatic. It's time for my favorite, favorite footwear, bitches: I pulled on my smooth, supple black leather boots from Ann Taylor. Add a turtleneck sweater and a charcoal gray skirt, and I was ready for an ass-reaming.

Unfortunately, in spite of my best intentions, I couldn't. I like the writing on this blog, way too much. I started reading last night, after I incarcerated my children put the kids to bed, and then I woke my daughter up by cackling like a mad hyena in my bedroom while reading one of her posts.

So, instead, I'm going to be a kinder, gentler Love Bites.

Dear Foodie:

Recently, I had a chance to dine in your little place. I like to think of myself as some sort of jaded connoisseur of blogs, who feasts on other people's suffering and angst. But, you made me laugh. And, this post made me literally holler like a crazy ass hillbilly and snort sprite out of my nostrils. I can forgive the ugliest blog template if you can accomplish that (hey, Key, baby. Thinking about you here).

Don't change what you're serving up, not even one little bit. I want to keep reading about cougars with fetishes for pregnant chicks and three-somes. I want to know about your trips to Tarzhay in hot pants. That's the stuff that will keep me coming back to your all you can laugh buffet time and again.

But seriously, girlfriend, you have GOT to do something about the decor. That header image? Hideous, and it takes for-fucking-ever to load. Would you REALLY wear that shoe? If so, you need to have a spatula taken to your fashion-impaired ass post-haste.

And all this shit you got going on, blogger ads and blogrolls and foodie ads, and other assorted filler that makes your blog ooze onto my screen slower than Heinz catsup onto my fries? Yeah. Gotta go.

Create some stand-alone pages for this shit. One for your awards, one for your blogroll, and please get that Twitter shit the fuck off of your sidebar. Then, list these neatly as links in your sidebar. One link, per page.

Let me point out that every single time you add something like that to your blog, another gizmo or gadget or tracking device, it slows down your page loads, and it also distracts readers away from your (really very good) content. Strip it down, bare it up, and put those things neatly away, like the undergarments you apparently prefer not to wear under your clothes. Put them in a drawer, away from polite society. Let people who WANT to see them see them do their pawing through your panty drawer on their own time, and let those of us who want to savor and masticate your tender morsels on your page do so without distractions.

Also, that picture in your profile? Not attractive. Use this one, instead. Not everyone can be a blond, and that's okay. Some people NEED to be brunettes, and you're one of them. Your blond pic doesn't do you justice.

Thanks much,

The nicest reviewer on this fucking site

p.s.

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I do hate to be dressed for an ass-reaming, and fail to deliver. So, let me offer this one up, instead, since our reviewee quite clearly doesn't warrant one.

Dear person whose name shall be unnamed:

You can kiss my sweet white midwestern farm girl ass. When you have cleaned up your site, gotten rid of the most illegible font since wildstyle, and your writing has stopped looking like canine excrement, then you will have some standing to critique my "biased" reviews.

Also, Calamity is the ONLY thing standing between you and the public crucifixion I wanted to give you. You should like send her $20 or something.

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Also, I wanted to give props to one of our recent reviewees. MJ...the last few posts about your family have been so delicious. I hate your political posts, but those were actually worth reading.

Well, that's all. Happy Tuesday. May this day be as delightful for you as it looks to be shaping up for me.

79 comments:

  1. Oh my. I fucking love this chicks' writing. At first I thought maybe my microbrew/marijuana dinner had something to do with it, but I was wrong. I thoroughly enjoyed sifting through this blog.

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  2. Yes, Foodie is BAD. ASS. In all the best possible ways.

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  3. Also, thanks for the nod. I was wondering who made the rimjob reference.

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  4. Yes. Am fine with this.

    At first I was like, "fucking stupid bitch, having a shoe in her header. I thought she was supposed to be barefoot? I'll bet she sucks. Hahahaha...damn."

    And then, I was all like, mistaken.

    I hate funny people. But I love them. So, you know. Whatever. Yes. Gaaahhh.

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  5. Holy shit. Maybe this week will be fun after all.

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  6. Oh, and "cowardly bitch of a ho bag?" I don't know who that is.

    But she paid money to see "Walking With Dinosaurs Live" and that is so fucking cool. I WANT TO GO SO BAD.

    If she wants to critique your reviews, why doesn't she do it here?

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  7. Because she's a cowardly ho-bag.

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  8. You know what's really funny, people think I'm really mean here, but I'm not that mean. I'm just brutally honest. I tell the truth, as I see it. Some bitches are just scared of that trait. They want to speak their mind, but they don't want to be judged for it, or have to deal with any potential fall-out from it. They need to sack up.

    Secretly, though, I'm just a big bag of cuddly little kittens, and my heart is just as tender as anyone else's.

    Stop laughing.

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  9. I refuse to stop laughing, Cruella.

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  10. Don't make me make you stop laughing, you fucking criminal.

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  11. Key's right, LB. The real life version of you in my head would totally wear coats of dalmation puppies.

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  12. This is where I need Lori Hahn to chime in about how blond, charming, warm & friendly I am, right?

    Sheesh, I put my face in her fagina. If that isn't friendly, I don't know what is.

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  13. Personally, the Tapdancer is one of my favorite people ever.

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  14. Yeah you're warm LB, just like the still-beating heart you ripped out of that woman's chest.

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  15. Cal, you're allowed to like her. And, I'm allowed to think she's a spineless, sniveling whore-face.

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  16. FF: Have you ever had heart, sauteed with some garlic, olive oil, and a nice red wine reduction? It's delicious. Just ask Calamity's beau.

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  17. In deference to Cal, I changed my reference to her from cowardly bitch of a ho-bag to cowardly ho-bag. Calamity always reminds me to stay in touch with my nicer impulses, wherever they've hidden themselves.

    Keywork: Don't you have some raccoon-piss-stained carpet to rip up?

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  18. p.s. I might be slightly agreeable-challenged because the person I want to vote for is clearly nutso, and the person I don't want to vote for is likely the person I'm going to end up voting for. If that makes any sense at all. It's made me rather cross.

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  19. I didn't picture you as a blond LB, really?

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  20. There. I'm still sulky, but I made it slightly less attacking.

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  21. I hope the evolution of this post makes it clear just how much I love me some calamity.

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  22. And, that I only eat puppies on days ending with Y.

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  23. Sigh. Now I have to go to my favorite political forum and beat up on some hapless retarded McCain fan.

    I hope you're all happy.

    :P

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  24. smelly piece of used mackerel.

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  25. LB: You are such a fucking pussy.

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  26. LB, if I can be the angel on your shoulder, you can be the devil on mine. And maybe, when the mood strikes, we can switch.

    Also, Foodie is damn good.

    Also also, I have a lot of angst. It tortures me.

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  27. Rassles: At least my pussy doesn't smell like used mackerel. That's something, innit. And it's for CALAMITY. Trust me, there is almost NO ONE I would censor myself for besides her.

    Now that I think about it, there's really no one but her.

    I hope that angst makes you end up having sweaty dirty sex with your beloved, Cal, so you can share the grimy details with me later. I won't be getting any til November 8

    Fuck. I would recommend that y'all not expect my mood to improve until at least November 8.

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  28. Finally, it's confirmed: I fucking KNEW Republicans ate puppies!

    And i am loving Foodie's blog. That Target post is what I aspire to write. Rock ON!

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  29. I can attest that LB is totally blond. In all senses of the word.

    And she really is very nice and generous and inappropriately funny and kind and loud and flirty and smart, all the while being hawkish and forceful and feisty. And she makes a mean chili.

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  30. Only SOME puppies, bitch. We prefer the smallish yappy kinds, like the ones Cal has. They're more tender. Braised puppies with a nice port wine reduction...delish.

    And you can use their little pelts for all kinds of sweet little household crafts. They make the nicest oven mitts.

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  31. Now do you all see why I will censor myself for Cal, and NO ONE ELSE?

    She rocks that hard. I loves Cal.

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  32. Dude. I'm against censorship! What have I become?!

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  33. Eh, I'm against censorship, in principle. I'm not against self-censorship, which is sometimes necessary, though.

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  34. I keep telling myself that self-censorship is a necessary skill that all grown-ups must learn. See? You're helping me grow up, Cal. That's the kind of awesome friend you are.

    Have I mentioned that Cal is beautiful, with the most beautiful hair, and she's uber smart, and articulate, and funny, and she goes shopping for sex toys with me?

    Heh. Cal rocks.

    We'll make out soon. Stay tuned. Same bat time, same bat channel.

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  35. Really, I hated Gilmore Girls.

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  36. That picture of her is bad, even if she is about to have sex with some mayonnaise. And Twitter is evil and silly. But I also love Obama! He's dreamy! And I'm getting used to seeing this Blogher shit everywhere. Maybe when Obama the terrorist pal is President, we'll have enough money and we won't need Blogher's pennies.

    And she's a great writer.

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  37. Two things:

    The post in the reader was better. I love it when you're all bitchy, LB, as long as it's not at me.

    You know how I was all "Go ahead and review me?" Nope. I take that back. Because after reading Foodie, I don't want ANYONE to EVER read my stupid blog again. She's all sorts of phenomenal.

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  38. Note to self: Never bring dogs to LB's again.

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  39. Hey Love, what am I missing here - what'd the chick with the really, really horrible font do/say?

    And I love B.F. I read her first when I saw her on the list of impending dismemberment and feel in love at first read. And I agree - she's hot brunette.

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  40. Mr. Lady: Too late, you're in the queue, bitch.

    IM: She knows what she did.

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  41. But LB, you sure you don't want to share with the class?

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  42. No. I'm taking the high road.

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  43. At least I'm not Key and taking the backroad. ;)

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  44. LB, you know you want to peg some guy in the backroad.

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  45. Alright...so aside from being an ugly blond, I think that went pretty well. I went in prepared for an ass reaming and left with just a really uncomfortable pap smear...totally doable...almost, dare I say...enjoyable.

    Thanks!

    Now I am off to do some picture swapping...

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  46. Brittany,

    You aren't an ugly blond, but that picture doesn't really do you justice.

    See, people? I can do tact.

    M'fuckers.

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  47. Also, Brittany, see Rassle's initial comments re: your header image. I had EXACTLY the same reaction. I WANTED to hate your blog. I really, really did. And it was all because of your fugly header image.

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  48. Also, here is a useful tip:

    Never publish an unattractive photo of yourself on the interwebs. That shit may come back and haunt you.

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  49. Oh no you don't. OH NO YOU DON'T.

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  50. Damn it, I'm going to be up ALL WEEK cleaning up my blog. Fuck. Me.

    Backalley optional.

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  51. A fairly severe case of ADD prevents me from being able to click links...but I managed to click hers.

    Nice blog. That's some free flowin' sardonic in your face goodness, au-natural talent.

    'Though I must say she's given out enough information about herself to convince me that she may be closeted serial killer.

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  52. I fucking love her blog too, she is hilarious.

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  53. Yep......she rocks. I loved that picture as well. Made me want to kiss her almost!

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  54. Keep the photo as is. I just looked. You're a gorgeous woman. Don't remove that photo.

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  55. I checked her out after seeing her on this weeks list of doom and after reading two posts added her to my reader. Great blog find.

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  56. Don't listen to gap. She's crazy. It says so on her blog.

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  57. No, in fact you should listen to me because my crazy is right. 2 of my distinct personalities operating TOTALLY independently of one another are in complete agreement that you're a gorgeous woman, and both agree that your photo is flattering. It's Madonna-hot.

    Leave it!

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  58. don't get all wild-eyed and crazy on us, gappers. ;)

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  59. I won't.

    ...as long the photo ssstays

    sssssssss

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  60. gap- you're scaring me a little.

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  61. It is halloween week, y'all. ;)

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  62. "gap- you're scaring me a little."

    Aw, that's a shame!

    Knotts scary farm scary? Fashion Island face lift scary, or need to get prayer now scary?

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  63. "call the priest, we need an exorcism"--scary.

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  64. since you're calling a priest...tell him we got most of the activity last time...but some of it remains and is currently in possession of my very swollen, cramped up uterus. i have tried over the counter exorcisms and they have failed. tell him that i am desperate and verbally armed ahd heading toward the comments section on several blogs - let him know that i'm crying for help! oy vey iz mir!

    you've my consent to begin! if he needs directions he can mapquest his way here; STAT.

    ty, love bites. (kisses and cat underbellies)

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  65. Anyone who doesn't love cats is just fucked up. End. Of. Story.

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  66. Gap, it sounds to me that you're all too familiar with Orange County. Do you live in my ghetto?

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  67. I live right smack under the flight path just as the planes circle, and circle...and circle over, and over and over and over and over and over tustin and head into john wayne...Is it any wonder that people in orange county are so high strung?

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  68. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwM6f0liHpo

    for cat lovers only.

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  69. Call me fucked up, LB. Cat's are fine and all, but love?

    I don't know.

    I used to want to run an animal sanctuary.

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  70. Gap, sounds like we're pretty close. I'm in the backbay in Newport, so I get the airplanes overhead too. Oh, and I work in Orange RIGHT NEXT to the train station. I have no peace. I get scared in the quiet. When I went to CO I kept saying, "it's so quiet".

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  71. I used to live right off Glassell and Walnut. My place was on top of the tracks. The night horning got so bad that everyone in my complex started to wonder if maybe the conductor had an ex wife living in the complex whom he intended to annoy for the rest of his living days. I really loved that place.

    You, you're right smack in the lair...er, I mean hub, of the OC.

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  72. It's always nice to have your opinion reinforced by the masses. Reading her posts, day in and day out, makes me feel like my blog is somehow even lamer than it really is.

    I'm waiting for her book deal as anxiously as she is.

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  73. Yep, Barefoot Foodie is on my permanent list of faves.

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Grow a pair.