Skinny Bitches Piss Me Off

This morning, our thermometer measured the outside air at a frosty 38F. For Florida, this is not just cold, it is FUCKING cold. I smiled, eased out of bed, and was mildly ecstatic. It's time for my favorite, favorite footwear, bitches: I pulled on my smooth, supple black leather boots from Ann Taylor. Add a turtleneck sweater and a charcoal gray skirt, and I was ready for an ass-reaming.

Unfortunately, in spite of my best intentions, I couldn't. I like the writing on this blog, way too much. I started reading last night, after I incarcerated my children put the kids to bed, and then I woke my daughter up by cackling like a mad hyena in my bedroom while reading one of her posts.

So, instead, I'm going to be a kinder, gentler Love Bites.

Dear Foodie:

Recently, I had a chance to dine in your little place. I like to think of myself as some sort of jaded connoisseur of blogs, who feasts on other people's suffering and angst. But, you made me laugh. And, this post made me literally holler like a crazy ass hillbilly and snort sprite out of my nostrils. I can forgive the ugliest blog template if you can accomplish that (hey, Key, baby. Thinking about you here).

Don't change what you're serving up, not even one little bit. I want to keep reading about cougars with fetishes for pregnant chicks and three-somes. I want to know about your trips to Tarzhay in hot pants. That's the stuff that will keep me coming back to your all you can laugh buffet time and again.

But seriously, girlfriend, you have GOT to do something about the decor. That header image? Hideous, and it takes for-fucking-ever to load. Would you REALLY wear that shoe? If so, you need to have a spatula taken to your fashion-impaired ass post-haste.

And all this shit you got going on, blogger ads and blogrolls and foodie ads, and other assorted filler that makes your blog ooze onto my screen slower than Heinz catsup onto my fries? Yeah. Gotta go.

Create some stand-alone pages for this shit. One for your awards, one for your blogroll, and please get that Twitter shit the fuck off of your sidebar. Then, list these neatly as links in your sidebar. One link, per page.

Let me point out that every single time you add something like that to your blog, another gizmo or gadget or tracking device, it slows down your page loads, and it also distracts readers away from your (really very good) content. Strip it down, bare it up, and put those things neatly away, like the undergarments you apparently prefer not to wear under your clothes. Put them in a drawer, away from polite society. Let people who WANT to see them see them do their pawing through your panty drawer on their own time, and let those of us who want to savor and masticate your tender morsels on your page do so without distractions.

Also, that picture in your profile? Not attractive. Use this one, instead. Not everyone can be a blond, and that's okay. Some people NEED to be brunettes, and you're one of them. Your blond pic doesn't do you justice.

Thanks much,

The nicest reviewer on this fucking site

p.s.

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I do hate to be dressed for an ass-reaming, and fail to deliver. So, let me offer this one up, instead, since our reviewee quite clearly doesn't warrant one.

Dear person whose name shall be unnamed:

You can kiss my sweet white midwestern farm girl ass. When you have cleaned up your site, gotten rid of the most illegible font since wildstyle, and your writing has stopped looking like canine excrement, then you will have some standing to critique my "biased" reviews.

Also, Calamity is the ONLY thing standing between you and the public crucifixion I wanted to give you. You should like send her $20 or something.

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Also, I wanted to give props to one of our recent reviewees. MJ...the last few posts about your family have been so delicious. I hate your political posts, but those were actually worth reading.

Well, that's all. Happy Tuesday. May this day be as delightful for you as it looks to be shaping up for me.