Monday, February 02, 2009

All apologies

I'm sorry, Rachel, that the universe picked the one reviewer who loathes fluffy, empty-headed suburban chicks whose brains have apparently been hulu'ed by the hot Florida sun with a special passion verging on virulent nausea, for you.

I'm sorry that your blog suffers in comparison to that of a high school student's in terms of depth and creativity.

I'm sorry that I loathe pink polka dots with the icy hatred that Hilary Clinton's vagina reserves for Bill's wandering penis.

I'm sorry that I reserve a special disdain for women who can't cook, and in fact, don't even know what a clove of garlic is.

In short, I'm sorry you got me, because I FUCKING HATE YOUR BLOG.

Should you have received another reviewer, they might have been tempted to cut you some slack.

I am not so inclined.

Your blog is everything that is wrong with the blogosphere, in specific, and humanity, in general.

Who would read this hot mess? I can't find anything, at all, in your blog that makes me care about you or want to know you. It's all superficial nonsense, like what kind of shoes you want, or what you ate for dinner, or your daughter's vomit, without anything REAL.

I want you to do something. Read this post.

Then, read this:


The world is so much bigger than me. & in a way, it took me until just now, on july 13, 2007, at 1:10 in the morning to figure that out. I'm at my dad's apartment laying in bed and I start thinking about an article I read on myyearbook today. It was about a teen who had become a vegetarian. That isn't what made it so memorable. It was the part about how many fast food restaurants like Mcdonald's are paying to clear-cut the rainforest so they can graze cattle and other animals for their food products. That's terrible yes, but then a few minutes ago, i went onto google and searched for rainforest clearcutting. I came to a site, that even though it's information should be extremely reassuring, did not help my state of mind whatsoever. I'm not sure what to believe about global warming, and Clear Cutting, and Fossil Fuels. I want so much to believe that global warming is just a natural stage in the Earth's but what if it isn't? It just freaks me out. I mean, I'm 13, I'm confused, I'm not sure what to believe and i'm worried. Honestly, I cared more about finding a boyfriend and being with friends more than i cared about things going on across the world. I'm just a shallow teenager Lol. How depressing.


Guess what, Rachel? Your blog just had it's ass kicked by a teenaged blog. My teenager, for the record.

Sure, I'm filled with parental pride, but I also want you to see how your blog starts at mundane and never leaves it. There is never any point, there is never any growth, and there is never any introspection or reflection. You have less depth than a middle-schooler.

Your blog, in fact, reminds me of a conversation I eavesdropped on between two teenagers in my backseat this weekend.

Sarah: "I look around at life, and I have all these thoughts going on inside my head at once, and I feel like my head is hardly big enough to hold them all in. And, I look at Jessica, and I see that her life is incredibly simple. We're sitting down to eat, and inside her head, as clear as day, her brain is saying, 'Pull out the chair. Don't slip. Sit down.' And, I wonder what it would be like to only be thinking at one thing at a time, but maybe I will never know."

My daughter: "On the other hand, Jessica hardly ever falls off of chairs like we do."

Rachel: Your blog is Jessica's brain. I bet you never fall off of chairs. However, your blog sucks balls.

Here's my advice:

Go to facebook.
Create a profile.
Talk about shoes.
Give the blogosphere a rest.

That's all. I apologize for hating your blog and everything it stands for in my head, but I can't help myself.

64 comments:

  1. Oh Crap.

    Now I'm going to have to go back and delete all of my blogs posts with photos of my eclectic and inspired footwear covering the floor of my many closets.

    Seriously, I was disappointed for a couple of reasons.
    1). From the title, I was expecting more Nirvana related material.
    2). I have great difficulty taking anything seriously from anyone who has anything to do with real estate. But that's just me.

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  2. Oh LB, I LOVE YOU. And no, I'm not the Rachel you reviewed.
    Her blogs sucks ass. She has no depth. I'm actually feeling sorry for you for having to read more than 2 of her posts, because I could just barely force myself to read the two you linked to.
    Your daughter? Obviously a genius.

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  3. The fact that she left the "g's" off the title is annoying enough to not read this blog.

    Just sayin'. Heh.

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  4. I'm glad you went easy on her. I'd had to see her have to go buy another pair of shoes.

    Or have to figure out what a clove of garlic is.

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  5. Doug: eclectic footwear? Please share.
    Lb: I admire your restraint. Also, I'm at work, still very drunk from last night.

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  6. Look, I love shoes as much as the next shallow, compulsive woman. Because, well, I am one. But that? That is a sickness.

    I get the feeling that half of the people that submit here either love to get it in the ass with no lube or they never read the reviews here.

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  7. How can anyone get through life not knowing what a clove of garlic is? Oh, I know, they get through life eating shit food and making their kids eat it.

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  8. She is what gives blogging a bad name. I think LiveJournal has her name written all over it.

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  9. I never cease to be amazed by who submits here. Plus, she links to Kim fekkin Kardashian. It.

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  10. Fucking iPhone's spell check changes "oy" to "it", makes me look like a chump. Up yours, Steve Jobs.

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  11. Blasphemy! Take that back, Ginny, Steve Jobs is God.

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  12. I can't cook. But I have a man who does that for me.

    I didn't hate the blog, mostly because I just couldn't be bothered. It's a resounding meh for me, complete with shoulder shrug. It's the same as so many other forgettable "I did this and aren't my kids cute" blogs out there.

    Although I didn't mind the design, because I can be girly. I have a pink shower curtain. She does have too many posts on one page, though. And give us a break with the smaller font for asides. And holy lord the ellipses.

    Ok, I'm starting to hate it now.

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  13. Seriously, thank you for not taking it easy on her. Her blog is crap. Plain and simple.

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  14. I don't understand the shoe obsession. Never have. Just not a clothes whore.

    And this:

    "I'm sorry that I loathe pink polka dots with the icy hatred that Hilary Clinton's vagina reserves for Bill's wandering penis."

    Is my new favorite thing that I have ever read. Ever.

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  15. And now I'm paranoid and pretty sure I've blogged about shoes before. Help!

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  16. Cal, you are vapid and shallow, and have the blog equivalent of a dirty puddle.

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  17. There are mommy bloggers out there whose personalities have been annihilated by the birth of their children and thus their blogs are unreadable. Then there are mommy bloggers whose personalities were so annoying to begin with that they should have been annihilated by their children and thus their blogs are unreadable. And then there are bloggers that among other wonderful things, are mommies.

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  18. Oh my. Cal, you been Rassified.

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  19. I love to swim in Cal´s dirty puddle.

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  20. At least it's a dirty puddle, you know? At least it's not a pink polka dot puddle. I get to retain some small sliver of depravity.

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  21. True, but you're still hopeless. Like the Cardinals.

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  22. As I recall, Key is also a shoe whore and has blogged about shoes on numerous occasions.

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  23. admittedly, he was on house arrest and had nothing better to do than hang out in his closet, but just sayin´.

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  24. lollllllllllllll that's pretty bad hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalolololllllllllll oh my god lolol

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  25. One: It is my mission to make Bluestreak like me. Don't ever read my blog, and we might stand a chance.

    Two: You got something against people who like to get it in the ass with no lube? Huh? HUH?

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  26. Mr. Lady, there is something VERY wrong with anyone who likes to get it in the ass with no lube. Why would you EVER do that to yourself?

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  27. A comment and a question. Comment:

    I don't know if Hillary is all that bothered by what Bill has done with his schlong, but yours was a witty comment in that it made me think about politicians' genitalia. For the first time in a long time.

    Question:

    I've never heard the expression "sucks balls" before. Is this a lower activity than sucking on the part that's located above the balls? Is this because the balls are in fact lower than what's above them? On a related note, I've also never understood why saying something "sucks dick" makes it bad. I mean, from my standpoint that's not a bad quality.

    Please explain.

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  28. "There are mommy bloggers out there whose personalities have been annihilated by the birth of their children'

    This is mostly true. For me, my kids just unlocked the crazy that was only a coping mechanism before.

    Blogging just allowed me to lose my shit all over the internet.

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  29. I guarantee that only someone with balls could question the validity of saying something sucks balls.

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  30. Ok, I am going to be shallow now and point out that she has bad eyebrows, round dated ones that don't look good with her face shape. Was that mean? Too personal? Did I just attack her eyebrows?

    On another note, her profile says she's only really ever finished one book. I have a new rule, if you haven't read at least seven books from start to finish,you only get to Facebook,no blogging.

    <7 book=status updates
    >7books=paragraphs

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  31. DPH: You're doing it wrong.

    Richard: You're right. There ain't nothing wrong with sucking a little dick every now and then. However, that statement would fit more if put into context, as in "sucks donkey balls" or "sucks great big sweaty donkey balls" or "sucks John Kerry's balls."

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  32. Ok, I officially hate her now. I didn't read the book thing until Chris pointed it out. That is just NOT RIGHT. How does someone go through their life not reading?

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  33. Hate her blog, rather. I'm cutting back on the person hating. Bad for the complexion.

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  34. Furthermore, I CANNOT believe she just recommended that people watch "Serendipity." It's probably the worst John Cusak movie since "America's Sweethearts," and almost caused me to remove him from my spank bank.

    Blech, I cannot tolerate bad taste in movies...

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  35. What is/are your favourite movie/s aliecat?

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  36. Mr. Lady, too late, I have already been to your blog. Turns out I love it but never get there in time to leave a comment.

    Nothing against non-lubed ass slaves. Just wouldn't wanna be in that position myself. Geez, I needed to have DPH coax me into ass sex over the course of several months to be able to do it WITH lube.

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  37. The Dirty Pirate Hooker: Single-handedly saving the lube industry, one ass at a time.

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  38. What can I say? I hate hearing about women with sore asses due to lack of lube!

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  39. I'm a little late to chime in here and intimidated by all the wit that I can't match. Yet, I'll give my nickel's worth: If you don't read, you shouldn't be writing. I probably am not in a position to be judging anyone about their writing ability, but fuck it. I read one post and felt my lunch coming up.

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  40. I think it comes down to the fact that there is a whole camp out there blogging who don't care the slightest about writing and they need to stop submitting to AAYSR because for us and 75% of the people who stop by regularly, it's about the writing.

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  41. Cal, almost all women everywhere, except Rassles and me, have blogged about shoe. Oh, and Keywork has more shoes than most women.

    But that isn't ALL that you blog about. God lord I hated that blog.

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  42. I think I'm in the 25% that like blogs for their use of the word fuck.

    But that may be obvious.

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  43. Doug: But that is the genius of the post title. My entire post was apologies. Meh. Nvm.

    Betsy: Gratuitous use of fuck is a good thing.

    Gwen: Come sit by me on the "we judge other people's writing here" couch. It's comfy and large.

    And Rachie: I love you, too, and whatever it is that you're doing with your hair these days.

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  44. Fuck! I thought this was some 13-year-old's blog and everyone was being hard on her.
    And it's some LADY. Fuck. Just fuck.
    Oh, except for the fact that I can honestly say I have never blogged about shoes.
    Now I'm probably going to blog about muck boots and horse shit and some LADY.

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  45. See, I don't mind a blog about shoes. I mind a blog about shoes that has zero purpose but to destroy my whole day. This couch IS comfy, LB. I'm just afraid that once I open this Pandora's box containing all things contempt, disgust, and hatred regarding people's feeble and misguided attempts at stringing words together, that it would slowly destroy me. I saw a sign the other day that said, "Tanz here!" in front of a tanning salon and I almost got into a car accident.

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  46. Now, if she was addicted to sneakers, I would have a reason to spend some time on her blog. Ugh.

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  47. I only blogged about shoes once, and I took all my clothes off to do it. I am not ashamed.

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  48. I know this is hateful, but I can't help myself. She goes to New York to eat chicken wings. Here's her description of her fave Big Apple eatery...

    "The Frozen Hot Chocolate is to die for, the chicken wings...there are none like it..."

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  49. That is some brilliant and inspired food writing, she should clearly be reviewing restaurants instead of showcasing her footwear.

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  50. franklin - I admire your tenacity and courage in continuing to read to uncover that little gem for us! I laughed out loud at the thought of Frozen Hot Chocolate. Oh the oxymoron. I know it probably does exist, but I'm going to pretend in my twisted little mind that she made that up. And who goes to New York City and raves about the chicken wings?

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  51. Okay, now I'm brave. And also hateful. She wrote: Last night I met up with about 9 girlfriends for a "Girl's Only" dinner hosted by a fabulous interior designer.

    I hate, HATE, when people use apostrophes unnecessarily. "Girl's Only"? The Girl's Only what?

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  52. The scrolling polka dots burned out my retinas and I couldn't get past the first fucking paragraph.

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  53. I couldn't get past her having 31 comments on that shoe post. Who's reading that blog????

    - owner of 4 pairs of shoes but would rather wear none

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  54. Ugh, her blog reads like a clever and inspirational message on a Dove wrapper. Except neither is very clever or inspirational. At the Dove trash smells like chocolate.

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  55. Word, Sayre. It always baffles me how these shitpiles have readers. I feel like the biggest hypocrite because I don't get nearly as much attention with my stuff. I like to think I'm an aquired taste, or a vegetable. I'm good for you but you'd rather eat french fries.

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  56. I wonder what vapid tastes like.

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  57. Anon, probably tastes a lot like your ass. A little musty and used, but somewhat pleasant.

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  58. That really was painful. I got up to the little girl kidnapping and had to stop skimming.

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  59. Holy shit. Who submitted her blog to you guys? That's like George Bush taking a 5 day cave touring hike in Afghanastan...

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  60. VE, I've been dying to ask you the same question in regards to your blog.

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  61. Apparently, Rachel is a naughty girl who enjoys being bent over objects and spanked until her ass is raw, because she requested that we do this to her.

    One truism I've learned here: There is no shortage of gluttons for punishment out there in the blogosphere.

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  62. ghost of keywork - I love the abuse! I can't wait. It'll be good future blog post material. I'm not under some delusion that my blog is deep, dark, meaningful or important. Whip away...

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  63. I am now strangely paranoid about my eyebrows.

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  64. I've seen your brows LB and they suit your face shape just fine.

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Grow a pair.