Tuesday, February 03, 2009

If there's one thing I can't stand about sleeping with women, it's all the fucking mind-reading*

A college friend once told me that I was the most heterosexual woman she'd ever met. She said this because I was -- and am -- entirely boy crazy. At the time I was recently heartbroken and out of a monogamous relationship and I was on the prowl. Utterly. Every male was scrutinized and measured and evaluated on fuckability. Would I or wouldn't I? Mostly I would.

So, in some ways her comment was apt. But in others? Not so much. My first fumbling forays into sexual experience were with neighborhood girls. And I was always the instigator. Come over and let's play girlfriend/boyfriend, wink wink, nudge nudge. Being the aggressor, I was almost always the "boy." It wasn't so much that girls attracted me; it was more that boys were not as accessible, and my horniness knew (knows) no bounds. And now I am not at all averse to appreciation of the female form, and I suffer from no vaginaphobia. In speaking with Duck (who is a gorgeous lesbian with the mind and charisma and flair of a gay man and all the showtunes and glitter that entails) about levels of gaydom, scales of lesbiosity, I'm pretty sure that on that scale I could never have a relationship with a woman, I couldn't be all squishy lovey sweetheart with a woman, but I could probably get all up in her business.

Which brings me to today's reviewee (what, I'm just revealing my inner lesbian tendencies for nothing?), Honey, a somewhat misleading nom de plume for a butch(ish) lesbian. Honey talks, among other things, about gender identity and being gay and her own scale of butch to femme, gay to straight.

The blog is nicely designed, organized, clean, and clutter-free. The archives could be better served by monthly organization rather than just a list, although it's nice to have it in a separate tab. And speaking of tabs, she does a good job with those, too. The design is basic, simple, and attractive, with very little decoration or adornment aside from her own photos and art, all in their appropriate places. I don't usually care about other people's pictures online, especially people I don't know. But for some reason Honey's pictures bring me in. There's an honesty and appreciation about them.

Honey gets her stride with her blogging mission/comfort zone/voice about November of 2007. Most of the blog before that is scattered, inconsistent, and lacking. Example:
I’ll get home and take another very nice shower, drink some very delicious tea, have excellent conversation with my wonderful girlfriend, and go to bed. I’ll be asleep within a minute.
La, la, la... and I'm bored.

But later on she settles into this very zen, calm, introspective vibe that works for her. She writes some good, self-aware stuff. There's a lot of questioning, looking inward, and figuring out going on. A little back and forth of am I this, or am I this other thing, or, no, I'm both.

And speaking of who she is, Honey is completely unconcerned about sharing her identity online, where she went to school, her girlfriend's identity, where she works, and her entire working resume. She's a stalker's wet dream. Which brings me back to the discussion on anonymity and does the lack of it hinder your ability to express yourself online. In some ways I think Honey breaks this trend, because she lives, at least as it appears from her blog, honestly and fully and openly and with great gratitude. And I really admire that because I probably don't. And when she discusses her experiences with queer and straight communities, with self-identification, it is fascinating and insightful. And though I like the rest of Honey's blog -- her commentary on Portland and biking and yoga and her friends and work and whatnot -- it's these revelatory posts that really suck a reader in.

Honey speaks in superlatives. A Christmas tree is not a tree, it's the most wonderful tree. Her girlfriend is the most excellent. Portland is the most perfect. It's obvious that she feels things deeply, loves people wholly, and is not at all afraid to embrace that most feminine of characteristics: emotion.

And one emotion that is revealed most often is her deep love for Agent, her girlfriend. It is a beautiful thing to see. Agent pops up with a post every now and again, which can interrupt the flow. I did a double-take at the change in tone. I knew right away it couldn't be Honey writing, which speaks volumes about Honey's voice. Although, when Agent said this, I melted: "I am acutely aware of my needs. And I don’t hesitate to meet them. So I rarely find myself in unpleasant situations, which is like succeeding in small ways all the time."

When Honey submitted herself for our review, she said, "I am very much looking forward to a good ass reaming. Let me have it - I can take it." But I can't give her a butt bruising because I liked this blog, and I liked Honey. She writes that some of her blogging rules are never to whine and not to share intimate details about her relationships and to avoid the offensive. And this is where that anonymity thing bites her in the ass. Because, god, how much better the blog might be if there were a few more dimensions to it. If we got to see Honey on bad days more often; if we heard about her friends and lover in more detail, with less gloss and happy joy-joy, with more layers peeled back; if we heard her rant or bitch or be something less than centered and grateful. Peaceful happiness is nice and admirable and all that, but we could use a little more humanity, a little more grit. Because Honey, I believe you're good, but sometimes I have trouble believing you're that good. And if you are, I've just reached a whole new low in my evaluation of my own self-worth.

Also, some girl-on-girl action would not go amiss.



  1. I liked this blog, too. There is a lot to be said for a clean white template, and I like the changing photos on the header.

    I do wish Honey would stop posting the announcements for gay/lesbian community events, IN THEIR ENTIRETY, on her blog. A snippet and a link would seem, to me at least, to be sufficient.

  2. Honey's blog is awesome. Props for asking to be evaluated.. I'm too chicken shit for that. LOL

  3. About time for a good review. Hey, I love reading the eloquent ass reamings around this joint, but I love it more when I find something I can add to my reader.

    Regarding the anonymity and blogging, it does bite ya in the ass. I´ve allowed far too many people in my real life to come into my blog life and it´s weirdly annoying and violating knowing they read it. Especially annoying is the lack of reciprocity involved, because usually they have no blogs of their own to share which basically means I open myself up to a bunch of people in my life that don´t open themselves up to me. Not satisfying at all.

  4. What I hate, Blue, is when they don't comment. You know they're out there reading but they don't say a word.

  5. They´re fucking peeping toms is what they are.

  6. No, the worst (but in a good way) is when a friend reads your blog and calls to make sure you're okay because of something you wrote. Good friend, yes, but that's how self-censorship starts.

  7. Thank you, Calamity! You've given me a lot to think about. It is so hard to learn how to write about what's real without wrecking my relationships or causing drama. Sometimes I think I need to start writing in code or find a purely anonymous space I never tell anyone about. It sure would be nice to let go a little more, although my minimal boundaries make me feel safe, too.

    I agree with Love Bites, I do not need to be posting entire community events. In a way, this has been my way of filler, since I've been struggling so much with the anonymity question and dramatic human relationships that for some reason always bring my blog into question. People are offended if I talk about them or if I don't talk about them.

  8. Thank you, Honey, for not giving us a craptastic shit pile to review. It makes my day.

    And I guess anonymity trumps again, in terms of letting it all hang out. I could make a crack about flashers, but I won't. Damn.

  9. Flashing your dog is way more satisfying because they cock their ears up and look impressed. Cats always have a sort of "meh" expression about nudity.

    Re: anonymity, I always advise people to think about creating a private blog just for venting. I know that it helps my daily sanity to have just such a place where I can vent, with impugnity, about the fucked up people I encounter, my ex-husband, my sometimes not very demonstrative boyfriend, and suchlike.

  10. And it is really weird how I can tell my most intimate secrets to strangers, but I can't tell them to my IRL friends or family. I wonder if this is precisely why postsecrets.com is such a huge hit.

  11. As far as anonymity, I guess in the blogging world it's normal to be anonymous. I'm not and I sometimes regret that. I don't so much censor myself. But I do limit my topics. I wouldn't talk negatively about specific people that I know are reading my blog.

    I often wonder how people who write books handle the fall out of discussing real people and being honest about them. When people write books for publishing don't they usually use their real identities? Well I have lot of work to do on my writing, book deals aren't in my immediate future or anything remotely close to it, but I often think that blogging is practice for me in breaking down barriers, revealing myself warts and all to friends, etc. I mean my audience is mostly composed of friends and family. I only have a few new readers thanks to my recent commenting on this site. Self promotion is not my forte. How do people get an audience of strangers to read and comment on their work without having people they know refer them? That's rhetorical, mostly. I mean I don't expect anyone to answer.

    And Love Bites, I completely agree that it IS easier to talk to strangers about our deepest darkest secrets. I think it's because there are no consequences to revealing them. We have the release of exposure without the risk. Does that make sense? In some ways, for me anyway, the risk is what's exciting. Knowing that what I'm saying it anyway. Oh and about Honey's blog - I think it's wonderful. Your review is spot on, in my humble little opinion.

  12. I meant to say that knowing what I'm saying might offend someone and saying it anyway is exciting to me. I realize that some of my words got jumbled there. Sorry for being so prolific. I tend to ramble : )

  13. Very thoughtful review Cal, I'll have to check it out.

  14. I'm utterly shocked that no one jumped on the whole homosexual tendencies thing, that no one else decided to reveal their own "experimental phases." Why did you pick this day to get your minds out of the gutter?

  15. I know. I need to be punished.

  16. Cal, i love you for posting about trying to seduce your childhood friends. I find it very endearing.

    Oh, and yeah, you put cleavage in front of me and I can´t look away, despite supposedly being a heterosexual.

  17. My whorish fiancee is also into asses. Just as much, if not more.

  18. Cat's assholes, apparently. Pussy's assholes? That's just confusing.

  19. Reminds me of the band 'Anal Cunt'.

  20. I'm still stuck on boobies. This is where a nice Indian emo kid with exhibitionist tendencies would come in handy. I like a small, 20-something set with upturned nipples.

  21. I'm just gonna steeeeep over all the boobies and assholes and whatever and talk about something else for a minute...

    First, I love Honey's blog too even though I don't read it as much as I should.

    Second, I can really appreciate the debate about anonymity, especially concerning the friends-as-readers issue. Though my blogging has fallen off greatly this past year, I started my first blog in 2005 and decided *quickly* to limit the number of people I shared the address with. I've always been anonymous (nobody wants a doocing...) but I invited a few real life people to read and suddenly found myself with a limited pallette... even now I wind up chastised here and there by a friend who doesn't want me to share so much of our last, tittilating conversation on my blog. The fact that it's ALL anonymous doesn't keep her from feeling ever-so-slightly violated...

    Ever so slightly violated... ok, I guess we can go back to boobies and assholes now...


Grow a pair.