Thursday, March 12, 2009

Brevity Is My Middle Name


D.R. Scott's Pulp Culture: pretty good.

77 comments:

  1. I know what you’re all thinking: “What an asshole. Guy does one review after three months of absenteeism and immediately starts mailing it in? Nutjobber’s a cocksnogger.”

    You’d be right if you’re thinking that, at least the first part, that beginning bit where you guys call me an asshole; you’d be wrong, however, with the “cocksnogger” comment, and, to be honest, I’m a little offended you’d sink so low – “cocksnogger” was the best you had? That’s terrible, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

    Nevertheless, and practical jokes aside, let’s turn our attention from your pitiful attempts to slander me and place that spotlight square onto the blackity-black-black template of Pulp Culture, a blog-form testimonial to the male gender’s preternatural need to collect things. H.L. Mencken quotes, political cartoons of varying quality, reprinted news reports, and tricky book-excerpts where the identity of the author is left in doubt up until the end – all make appearances, and rummaging through link after link of appropriated content is directly comparable to being invited in to admire a proudly-displayed assortment of DVDs: sure, your taste is immaculate, but I can look at DVDs anywhere, Mr. Scott… is there any, I don’t know, writing around that I could take a gander at?

    What, this? Actually, that’s good. In fact, it’s a lovely piece of thoughtful writing, and a solid way to introduce backstory without resorting to an “about me” page, a perfectly linkable passage that would have helped this no-so-humble reviewer get a grip on who you were and what you were doing without having to elbow-aside a video of Al Pacino yelling at football players to reach the same conclusion. This is crazy, and a perfect example of using fucking madness to springboard into an analysis and/or/slash commentary that further showcases your abilities instead of just letting the piece sit by itself, alone and scary.

    (Not that there’s some specific form of “slash” commentary, of course; that’s just an idiosyncratic tick I’ve been developing, like quoting something with both quote/unquote and “quotation marks”… I’m like Randy Newman, just typing what’s happening with the typing but rapidly running out of punctuation to play with. Can it really be called a digression if you never regress?)

    I have a feeling that Pulp Culture is pretty much the way you want it to be, Mr. Scott, and the proof is in the pudding: why else would you put your fucking name in the title if it wasn’t? You had me at comic-books and baseball, and should you ever decide to post again (it’s been a month), I’ll probably check it out… and at this point in my life, crumbling under the stresses and strains of my own awesomeness, that’s about as sterling a recommendation as I can make.

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  2. Three stars? Really?

    Sure, there was a gem here and there, but I felt like the good stuff was buried among reposts from other sites.

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  3. I think there should be, at most, 1 star for each good post you link to. In this case, that's only 2 stars. I'm bored by this blog, but that's why ya'll have reviewers!

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  4. Still basically bored by pop culture commentary, but at least he's intelligent about it, and doesn't rely on the snark.

    But seriously, though if I see another fucking post about Michael Phelps bonging his brains out I'm gonna go all Cobra on someone.

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  5. If I were to rewrite that comment, I would add a comma after "though."

    Gahh.

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  6. Yeah, I'm with rachie on this one. It bored me. Apparently the ability to write well isn't always enough...

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  7. NJ: cocksnogger.

    I can't get into pop culture blogs, I really can't. Didn't like it.

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  8. Yeah, I've tried to give pop culture blogs a shot and then I realize...

    I just don't give a shit.

    The End.

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  9. PS - Anything that is pop culture and worth mentioning (Cough - Monster Squad) is usually covered by Rassles or myself.

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  10. Yeah. Otherwise, you know.

    COBRA!

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  11. There is far too little assraping going on this blog this week.

    I'm only slightly dissapointed.

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  12. I have faith in AAYSR, we're due for some hostility.

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  13. Maybe I'm suffering from blog-reviewer Stockholm syndrome; I had this thing all set to blast, but while looking for specifics to kick in the kneecaps, I started enjoying the writing.

    What are you gonna do when that happens? I guess you grab a rifle and pull a Patty Hearst: "I wanted to rob the bank!"

    Also, side note, a query: when did we stop eviscerating people for complaining anonymously?

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  14. We never did, NJ, its just slow as fuck today, any comments are a welcome sight.

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  15. No kidding - I just had a coffee, and it waved me away dissmissively:

    "Enh. I'll get you later."

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  16. As far as "s" goes, 4 = 3 over here.

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  17. I was all ready to ass rape Anon until I realized I've seen enough ginormous horse vagine in the past week to keep off of taking things from behind for, ooooh, I don't knooowww, a day or so?
    Plus, I've eaten one too many pumpkin muffins to be able to use my most popular ass raping ways.

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  18. Days like this, where its all slow-like, I find myself deep in thought: I SHOULD learn to play the banjo.

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  19. You know, Pringles are always far more delicious than I expect them to be.

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  20. GoD: We can make that banjo experience happen if you're truly interested.

    And, I'm going to carry over yesterday's commentfest about whether DJC (D.J. Christ) or LLCJ (LL Cool Jesus) would be best for a party in the Monster Squad Tree House. I mean, seriously, I've had a little spiritual awakening here. I had sworn 'Hey-Seuss' and 'Good Ol' Dr. Thunder' off forever until Betsey came up with that 'Christ as a DJ' idea.

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  21. I still love popcorn, despite the fact that I always burn it when I make a bag.

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  22. Yeah, Rass. But I have to admit I've been put off of potato chips of any kind since back in the mid-90's when that whole 'anal leakage' thing had to be put on some of the bags.
    That and ass raping Anon are simply not on my list today.

    Pumpkin muffin anyone?

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  23. You know when you overburn your toast, and then you've got to shave off the heel off that last slice from the loaf to make another more proper piece of toast? I hate that.

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  24. Thanks, Saint MG. I will keep that in mind.

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  25. or when you're toasting an English muffin, and it crisps so hard that the nooks and crannies scratch the roof of your mouth? It's total crap.

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  26. I do like pumpkin muffins.

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  27. Mmmmmmm...pumpkin muffins!

    Until I run out. Then I ass rape Anon to make myself feel all better again.
    But don't worry, I'm all nice about it and everything. I wear my 'May Cause Anal Leakage' t-shirt so there's no confusion about what's about to happen.

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  28. Key: 3 minutes, take the bag out with 47 seconds left.

    Never fails, I'm telling you.

    Oh, sure, you could just set the timer for 2:13, but then you lose the anticipation that comes from staring at a microwave for three minutes. Trust me.

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  29. GoD - your first lesson

    Deer-nuh-neer-neer-neer-nuh-neer-neer-neeer...

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  30. Microwave popcorn is just edible packing material. Real popcorn happens in a kettle, on the stove and it is the best ever. Plus it takes 2 minutes. My popcorn is so fucking awesome that it deserves a what what like Rassles mahfuckin stroganoff, what what.

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  31. I have some news that may or may not excite Betsey Booms and Rassles.

    They are making "The Heather's" into a musical...

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  32. Oh, and Ghost, you should learn to play the banjo. I was just thinking I should learn how to "pop and lock"

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  33. DPH, you and GoK need to take your new skillz and make a sweet music video.

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  34. Well la-de-da, FF. Do you want some doilies for under your glass of Cristal, too?

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  35. DPH - I am completely freaking out that you don't already know how to pop and lock. Hellbilly does it all the time to some funked out hollah back banjo tunes while eating pumpkin muffins. You and GoD are SO going to have to make your way out to the holler for some lessons.

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  36. Look at NJ getting all cocksnoggish just 'cause FF knows all about popcorn.

    Pumpkin muffin?

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  37. Ahhhh, the holler.

    NJ: fuck that, the burnt pieces taste garlickey.
    Mmmmm.
    Rass: we are so going to make a bitchin video.

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  38. Beef Curtain, I can pop and lock, but I want to be able to do it like the kids on So You Think You Can Dance!

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  39. If microwave popcorn is cocksnoggish, then I am the Grand Wizard of cocksnoggery.

    For the record, that's roughly equal to being King Shit of Fuck Mountain.

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  40. Plus, when I listen to Low by Flo Rida, I want to be able to do something BADASS when he says, "shorty did that pop and lock"

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  41. I'd love a doilie NJ, thanks, you can put it right next to my cucumber sandwiches.

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  42. The Great Poobah of Douchebaginess?

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  43. The Sky Giants of the Firmament Above.

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  44. I'm going to start baking some pumpkin muffins. And by baking, I mean to fornicate with some muffins. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY! Pumpkin Muffin!

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  45. Man, how do you pick a fight with someone who eats cucumber sandwiches? You can't, that's how.

    Fuck. I'll send the doilies right over.

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  46. OK. That's it. I am including you in the banjo lessons NJ. Mostly because Fuck Mountain is right down the road.
    Also? I'm planning to have Hellbilly and DPH in the big horse paddock doing pop and lock while Rassles is wandering, unattended and carrying a live chain saw, around the pasture.
    After that, we will ask FF for a review of the entire scene from her place on the veranda where she's been sitting with a doilie and bowl of perfectly popped popcorn.

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  47. Beef Curtain, that sounds like a GREAT porno!

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  48. Yaaaay GoD! You big ol' omnipresent whippershappin' cocksnogger you! We like to stand nekkid in the front yard and slather 'em all over our bodies while they're still a warm.

    AAAAAAAAAYYYYYY! Pumpkin Muffin!

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  49. Banjo playing on Fuck Mountain? I'm in, but only if I can play "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag".

    And by "bag" I mean "microwave popcorn".

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  50. DPH - I know. I know. Ain't it gonna be grand!

    Pumpkin muffin?

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  51. Have you created the musical score for many pornos, NJ? I got a feeling you'd be good at it.

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  52. Why I would love one Beef Curtain, thank you.

    Mmmm, I feel like I've tasted the secret ingredient in these before.

    Oh right, it's filled with my fiance's man mustard. A familiar taste indeed.

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  53. There's got to be some baked good around here that GoK hasn't been inside...

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  54. NJ - I'll call the county and tell 'em to clean that Fuck Mountain shit up by the weekend. You're welcome to play whatever you like as long as it assists DPH and Hellbilly in their pop and lock moves and you know how to run away from Rassles and her chain saw while doing so.

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  55. DPH - Exactly! They are like Thanksgiving with a man juice twist.

    Mmmmmmmmm...pumpkin muffins!

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  56. Rass, no there isn't. I'm packing the omnipresent seed.

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  57. That's awesome Mongoliangirl, I'll give you up to the minute reports.

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  58. I try to keep that part of my life from prying eyes, Rassles, but I am pretty proud of "Donkey Punch in the Key of G (For Cellos)"

    So the producers thought it was too "arty"; "baun-chicka-baun-baun" never sounded quite as good as it did with the Boston Philharmonic.

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  59. Perfect FF. You'll have to be up there on the veranda with our pony-sized feline that always has shit dried to her fat ass. But she doesn't like popcorn or specialty water or cucumber sandwiches. Or people. So I don't believe your reporting will be disturbed.

    Pumpkin muffin?

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  60. Oh God! This is like a pumpkin muffin ass raping nirvana around here.
    Why? Because we actually have a donkey named 'Romeo' who I plan to introduce to NJ immediately upon his arrival.
    And then send them off to Fuck Mountain to work on some new pop and lock porno scores.

    Muffin? Pumpkin muffin anyone?

    Seriously, please go ahead. I've got to go look at horse vag in about 10 minutes and don't want to just leave these laying around.

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  61. This is going to be the best Spring Break ever.

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  62. "How I Spent My Spring Break: Pop-Lock Fucking on Banjo Mountain"

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  63. Ever!

    OK now, everyone in unison now,
    "HAVE YOUR FUCKING BABY!"

    Thanks! I'm going to check the vag now and hope I see a pair of tiny hooves sticking out.
    Hellbilly is in an exhausted stupor on the couch from being up all night with the horse vag and I'm seriously considering sleeping in the bed of the truck again.

    FUCK!

    Eat the fucking pumpkin muffins!

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  64. So you know how maybe you've been on a diet for awhile.

    And then one afternoon, when you forget to eat lunch, you dig in the office cabinet and find some low fat cheese popcorn that isn't really popcorn it's like puffed bullshit.

    The first bite is like starchy, scratchy blech. But you keep eating. A bite here and here at first and then suddenly you're shoving it in your face because you have now forgotten what real popcorn tastes like and you're hungry so this shit is the bomb.

    So there you are shoveling, shoveling and then BAM!

    Horse Vagina.

    Just like that. It happened.

    Then suddenly it tastes just Kraft Mac 'n' Cheese powder on a packing peanut again, with possibly a touch of horse lips.

    Yeah all of this (swirling my hand around the review and comments) is just like THAT!

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  65. Erm.
    My apologies all for commenting Anon.
    I happened to be on a computer in the middle of a fuckboring Spanish class that limits what and where you can sign on.

    So I guess you can assrape me if you like. I promise it won't lower my self-esteem, although I'll keep in mind that tip about anal leakage.

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  66. The only thing I have to add is pumpkin muffins are divine. And Formerly Fun is right: popcorn cooked on the stove is way better than microwave popcorn. And Betsey - I've been on a diet, too. It sucks to be on a diet and then come on here and read about muffins, popcorn, and of course, biscotti. I mean the AAYSR Biscotti has one extra ingredient than I care to ingest, but still. Hmmm. Apparently I had a lot more to say than I thought.

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  67. G, I love that you were talking about assraping in the middle of spanish class.

    That's caliente!

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  68. BB-
    You are so right about the popcorn and the shit I've eaten out of supreme diet hunger or bare cabinets and too lazy to go to the store? Yuck, I don't want to even think about it.

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  69. The word for rape in
    Spanish is violar. And, contrary to popular englishspeaker belief, "ultraviolada" does not mean ultraviolet. It means ultra-raped.

    I think my favorite is probably putear.
    "to go whoring"
    or, better yet:
    "to fuck about."

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  70. Hey, fair's fair in regards to anonymousness, G; I might have just been grouchy.

    Seriously, though: ultra-rape? Would that make "ultravioladass" the equivalent of "ultra-ass-rape"?

    Because if so, goddamn that's funny.

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  71. It doesn't hold up, though, does it.

    Huh - I must be losing my sense of humour.

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  72. "El trasero ultraviolado"

    would be "the ultra-raped buttocks".
    In sort of spenglish.


    Also if there are any further-than-fuckboring-spanish2 speakers, you can correct me.

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  73. Gracias.


    ...hee hee: "buttocks"...

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  74. Buttocks, buttocks, biscotti!

    About the spanish:

    Go down to Mexico and see if they understand any of that. Sadly, the spanish taught in the States doesn't account for slang.

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  75. Tomorrow's blog had better suck, because as amusing as you all have been, I need to get back to hating something. Is that so much to ask?

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  76. I've been to Mexico.
    That's where I learned putear.

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Grow a pair.