Friday, March 27, 2009

If You Spot It You Got It

Class in session miscreants; Professor Booty's here.

You might think that a successful, world-renowned bootologist such as The Professor would be a proud and self-confident man, maybe even veering toward the vain. I mean, for the love of Baby Jesus, I’m a two-time Assman-Rumper Award winner – and I think you all know what that means.

But I carry around with me a fair amount of self-loathing. Can’t explain it, but there it is. What this means in practical terms is that when I run across someone with whom I share a lot of personality traits I don’t see a kindred spirit, maybe a good friend in the making. No, I see a nemesis.

Enter Idiot Boy. He ain’t much to look at - hackneyed title and tagline – self-deprecation and asserted cynicism – and blah, blah, blue basic blogger. Yawn. It’s nice and clean, but you drew the short straw Idiot, I’m the one guy around here who likes my blogs like I like my women – overly made up and trashy. If your blog was a women and and I saw her standing primly on the street corner, I’d spare her a glance - out of politeness - and then quickly move on to the busty one down the street with the ruby lips and fishnets.

I was assigned your blog - kind of like being forced to go on a date with the daughter of your Dad's business associate who has a 'great personality'. Miss Missives breaks out the riding crop when I don’t get my assignments done in time, so you’re a lucky boy. Because, forced to read, I discovered a kindred spirit. What I discovered in fact, was a blogger that seems to have lived a mirror image of my life. I mean this guy's wondered about why he's the target of phallus enhancers, dismays about his transition into his own father, has taken road trips on LSD, he's mystified by the evolution of our mother tongue and he can seamlessly patch together a post about one of Dylan's finest works and canine vomitus in five hundred words or less.

He's telling my stories. He's in my head. Get out of my head, you bastard! Just who the fuck does this fucker think he is?

I'll tell you, my Askers and Receivers. He's my doppelganger and thus, my nemesis.

It's not all good. Sometimes he slips over the top and Idiot Boy can be a bit formulaic - every post has the same structure and a ten cent punchline - but it comes off more comforting than boring. But more importantly, as I trolled through his archives I realized that this fucker is getting better. His posts are getting crisper. He's exploiting the networking potential of blogging and has developed a loyal audience. He doesn't feel the need to post every day and while there is about one too many posts about his dog's bodily functions, he writes when he has something to say.

On advice of counsel, I've been actively working on my self-esteem. But it's baby steps. And until I can love myself, Idiot Boy, I can't love my doppelganger. . I tell you what, Idiot Boy, take this...

...and let's just go our separate ways and pretend we never met. Deal?


  1. Dear Idiot Boy:

    You had me at 'fuckuvalot'.

  2. I predict confusion on what will happen next.

  3. I think I would love my doppelganger, mostly because I'd call him my imaginary friend and refuse to accept he was real.

    So, the joke would be on him... right?

    Ha ha, Fucker! You're the one whose girlfriend hates you this morning, not me! Take that, you handsome devil!

  4. I think I would be very flared up and cross if I had to review my arch nemesis.

  5. Here's the bit that matters most to me:

    "...I realized that this fucker is getting better."

    That's what I've been working toward. I will take your criticism with gratitude and use it to continue improving. Thanks for your time.


  6. Well done, IB. Just don't come back in a week and shit down our throats.

    It's already been done.

  7. Also, the review reviews are pretty douchie.

    Missed y'all.

  8. I'm sorry I missed Boomgate.

  9. Looks like it. Do we think someone is hugely overcompensating for their lack of writing skills?

    Also, do they really think we're as stupid as we act on here?

  10. I think the answers to that are yes and yes.

    However, Ghost is right. Boomsgate was a great time. Just like Murdery Mystery Dinner Theater.

  11. I think they underestimated just how bored we were yesterday.

  12. Inadequately trying to hurt our feelings with inane insults, in the bedroom, by Col. Mustard.

  13. Speaking of Colonel Mustard, I think we're going to shag in about 20 minutes. Probably in the kitchen, FTW.

  14. Hey does anyone here at aaysr (my favorite assraping blog) know who Jason is?

    I just got superbly slammed by a comment from someone named Jason and considering my blog is only known to my friends and whoever bothers to click my name off here, I thought I'd ask.

    (I'm not sure what this would get me. Revenge? Witty reply? I think I just want to know who would be so callous to a blog that takes up so little space.)

  15. Uh G... That would be revenge in the honor of my name.

    Part of the whole hack the world campaign against us.


  16. It was all Boomer's fault, G.

    Every last stitch of blame rests with Booms - all of it.

    I mean, did you see her last review? She made the rest of us look like we were sending roses and boxed-chocolate instead of being assholes. She's mean.

  17. What I've read of this blog so far, I like. I'm going to have to go back and read more because I got caught up in reading these comments and was stupid enough to go back and read through the comments from the last post to find the drama. I'm all for a good ass kicking when it isn't my own. However, after wasting all that time, I have no idea who got fucked and who didn't. And I'm sure as hell not going back into last week to find the originating post! I'm perfectly happy with building what I think the story should be from here on out. It's pretty easy to figure out. One of you, Betsey, (I think) reviewed a blog and hurt some crybaby bitch's feelings. This particular crybaby bitch, not being able to understand how someone couldn't just worship her has fallen to pieces and is now stalking every single one of you for thinking she's a waste of good air and web space?

    I don't get over here much these days, but any moron who spent five frigging minutes reading this site would know that it absolutely thrives on this suckbaby shit! She didn't really think she'd insult you or hurt your feelings, did she?? She HAD to know it would turn everyone on to have new prey. (I won't even go into what this says about you all.)

    I'm just going to admit right now that if you give Betsey more Nyquil and beer and let her review another post it will most likely turn me on as well. That's just hot.

  18. It's true, I am a vicious asshole.

    With teeth, even.

  19. I'm too new around these desolate dogforsaken parts to have been targeted. And frankly, I am disappointed. I would love to see what someone might say to me to try to hurt my feelings. Seeing as it has been well documented that being me, I have no real human feelings at all.

  20. Pos- If it means you won't feel left out, we'll all take turns insulting you.

  21. Pos, no one is too new, let me know, I can whip up a quick roast for you. I hate for any Asker to feel left out.

  22. Pos, Your back hair is as profuse as your wit. See, a compliment and insult--I walk the line.

  23. Ghost, you're really becoming quite the cook, aren't you?

  24. Indeed I am. Trust me when I say that its all about the basting.

  25. The great thing about back hair is I never have to see it.

    I don't need insults to feel like I fit in - simply being offered a basted roast and a biscotti is enough. Or something. At least I know I am attractive to GoK.

  26. Bear: you're the roast. But help yourself to the biscotti. Welcome aboard.

  27. Bear roast? A bit gamey, don't you think?

    I prefer burgers.

  28. "If you spot it you got it." Oy vey Mr. Booty Flu. Don't remind me of that ever again, deal?
    (We are seriously fucked, aren't we?)
    I'm always up for looking through a blog that's 'getting better'.
    And I'm always up for missing you fools. Not being on here for a week to discuss pumpkin muffins, horse vagine, and the need to steralize my keyboard has left me...
    eh...whatever. Just know I missed to naughty good juju around this place.

  29. This blog has tons of potential. The problem is the packaging. Stop calling yourself an idiot: you're not, and it's doubtful anyone really thinks you are.

    You're not half as bland as the idiot reviewer insists you are; in fact, you're too unctuous, too trashy. You've got observations and a writing style that has some substance in it.

    Nietzsche said, "It is dreadful to die of thirst in the sea. Do you have to salt your truth so much it can no longer - quench thirst?"

    ~ Driz

  30. Driz,

    Is that a compliment?


Grow a pair.