The Wise Well-Constructed Disguise

Once again, I will call upon the mighty powers of Tom DeLonge to describe a blogger. And in this case, as almost always, Tom's assessment is fully accurate:

Mia tries too hard.

For starters, the layout is hideous. I mean HIDEOUS. It's a pyzam layout, and as a consequence, is based upon the standard myspace format, which means that the content is poorly spaced, too narrow to be easily read, and the colors are a horror show. Gray text on black background? Yellow lines around everything? Blue links? Entirely too much space is absorbed by the disconcerting and messy background graphics. This is kiddy stuff, Mia. What in the fuck are you thinking?

I mean, at a minimum, no one can read it.

On a blog, the focus is supposed to be ON THE WRITING. This design does nothing but distract from your writing. It makes you look like an unprofessional nitwit. You're a girl who brags about how much care you take of the details, and yet, this is your public image? I get that you work in the sex industry, but that DOESN'T mean that your blog needs to look like a tawdry myspace whore's home brothel.

Look at the difference between your monstrous template and something like this. In the second example, the emphasis is on the WRITING. The spacing in each of the columns allows the words to stand out from the background and look neat/clean. Each new post is clearly delineated, and the buttons above the header image allow for easy navigation.

Plus, it's so much less obvious. c'mon, Mia, a zipper??? Does everything have to be "out there" for you? Flowers, with their delicate petals and secret inner depths, are inherently sexy. Not everything has to be so fucking obvious.

And, that leads me to the content.

Mia: Write in full sentences. YOU ARE NOT BRIDGET JONES. This writing stratagem that you rely upon is tired and hack.

Consider this paragraph (though literally, I could have used any since you write like this throughout the blog):

Am nearly finished with current manuscript. Characters have taken over and extended the ending. Hopefully, will complete today and tidy up prior to submissions as it has already been requested as part of new anthology featuring retold fairy tales. Mine. Ali Baba. Cast of characters alone could have made it an epic.

Blogging isn't fucking shorthand. The paragraph should read as below:

I am nearly finished with my current manuscript. The characters have taken over and extended the ending. Hopefully, I will complete it today and tidy it up prior to submissions as it has already been requested as part of new anthology featuring retold fairy tales. [wtf does this refer to?]Mine. Ali Baba.[/wtf] The cast of characters alone could have made it an epic.

This ongoing lack of a subject in every single sentence is fucking annoying. Stop it.

Beyond that, the content is practically non-existent. It might count as content if instead of being a diary-like chronicalling of each day's events, your posts elaborated on ONE event per day.

For instance, the gas station story. Your extranenous commentary gives us nothing. Instead, why not simply recount the events, as they happened, with attention to the dialogue?

You know who are the masters of this? Rassles, Erin, and Ryan.

Consider this versus this. See how your constant, interjected "look at me, look at me, see me here, telling the story???!!!" distracts from the story?

Work on that. We get that you're a writer, but get the fuck out of the way.

If you want to talk about the fairy tale anthology, why not write about the process of writing? Consider elaborating on how the characters took control of the story. In fact, use their voices in your post to explain what happened. Not only would that be a fascinating insight into the world of professional writing, but it might help you sell some books by provoking our interest.

Other than your chronic need to interject yourself into the middle of every single thing you write, my biggest objection to your blog is that it simply tries too fucking hard to titillate. With post titles like "Do You Like to Watch" and "Anal Ease," it's just too fucking much.

We get that you are Mia Watts, urban seductress and uber sexy author of fetish novels. But c'mon, man. Give us a fucking break.

If we wanted to read all of that, all the time, we'd buy the fucking books. Your blog is supposed to show the woman BEHIND the kitsch. Are you actually a real woman back there, or are you just a super slut whose panties are nearly constantly down?

I have nothing against honest sluts. I happen to be one. I like reading them. But, I get the sense that Mia the Super-Slutty is a mask that you put on for work. Is there anything behind the mask? If so, I might be interested in reading. If not, I'll pass.

Mia: you could learn a lot from Tom DeLonge:

I couldn't believe what this lady was saying
The names she was dropping, the games she was playing
She dated this guy who now rides for Black Flys
How she's down with the 'wise well-constructed disguise'
Now I'd rather go dateless than stay here and hate this
Her volume of makeup
her fake tits were tasteless
So, I said I'd call her but never would bother
...

So when you see her standing there
With green eyes and long blonde hair
She won't be wearing underwear and you'll discover
This girl's not the one and she'll never be fun
You should just turn and run because you'll find out that
Some girls try too hard.

Here's my advice: Stop posturing. Stop trying so fucking hard. Get out of your own damn way.

Be real.

That's all we really want from you: realness.

One thing I've learned in my 40s: Sexy doesn't work this hard. In fact, the harder you try to be sexy, less sexy you are. Sexy isn't something you wear, or a calculated game you play, it's something YOU ARE.

Sexy should look effortless. Any man will tell you that his girlfriend's freshly mussed hair and sweaty natural nakedness looks far better to him than the elaborately posed pretense of playboy. When sexy looks this hard, it makes us tired. After spending an hour or so on your blog, I'm sick of you. I don't want to hear about your panties. I don't want to envision you naked. I don't want to think about your (apparently) frequently traveled ass. I don't even want any cock.

Your blog has murdered my sex drive.

The next time you write a post, make a conscious effort to be real, and to stop trying so damn hard. Ask yourself why you're writing what you're writing. Find your fucking soul, and show it to us. That would be a hellalot sexier than all of these glimpses of your undergarments.

For your superficial, subjectless content, I give you this:


For your hideous layout, I give you these:


For making sexy unsexy, I give you this:


Just put some fucking panties on, and stop showing me your snatch.