Monday, May 04, 2009

The Wise Well-Constructed Disguise

Once again, I will call upon the mighty powers of Tom DeLonge to describe a blogger. And in this case, as almost always, Tom's assessment is fully accurate:

Mia tries too hard.

For starters, the layout is hideous. I mean HIDEOUS. It's a pyzam layout, and as a consequence, is based upon the standard myspace format, which means that the content is poorly spaced, too narrow to be easily read, and the colors are a horror show. Gray text on black background? Yellow lines around everything? Blue links? Entirely too much space is absorbed by the disconcerting and messy background graphics. This is kiddy stuff, Mia. What in the fuck are you thinking?

I mean, at a minimum, no one can read it.

On a blog, the focus is supposed to be ON THE WRITING. This design does nothing but distract from your writing. It makes you look like an unprofessional nitwit. You're a girl who brags about how much care you take of the details, and yet, this is your public image? I get that you work in the sex industry, but that DOESN'T mean that your blog needs to look like a tawdry myspace whore's home brothel.

Look at the difference between your monstrous template and something like this. In the second example, the emphasis is on the WRITING. The spacing in each of the columns allows the words to stand out from the background and look neat/clean. Each new post is clearly delineated, and the buttons above the header image allow for easy navigation.

Plus, it's so much less obvious. c'mon, Mia, a zipper??? Does everything have to be "out there" for you? Flowers, with their delicate petals and secret inner depths, are inherently sexy. Not everything has to be so fucking obvious.

And, that leads me to the content.

Mia: Write in full sentences. YOU ARE NOT BRIDGET JONES. This writing stratagem that you rely upon is tired and hack.

Consider this paragraph (though literally, I could have used any since you write like this throughout the blog):

Am nearly finished with current manuscript. Characters have taken over and extended the ending. Hopefully, will complete today and tidy up prior to submissions as it has already been requested as part of new anthology featuring retold fairy tales. Mine. Ali Baba. Cast of characters alone could have made it an epic.


Blogging isn't fucking shorthand. The paragraph should read as below:

I am nearly finished with my current manuscript. The characters have taken over and extended the ending. Hopefully, I will complete it today and tidy it up prior to submissions as it has already been requested as part of new anthology featuring retold fairy tales. [wtf does this refer to?]Mine. Ali Baba.[/wtf] The cast of characters alone could have made it an epic.

This ongoing lack of a subject in every single sentence is fucking annoying. Stop it.

Beyond that, the content is practically non-existent. It might count as content if instead of being a diary-like chronicalling of each day's events, your posts elaborated on ONE event per day.

For instance, the gas station story. Your extranenous commentary gives us nothing. Instead, why not simply recount the events, as they happened, with attention to the dialogue?

You know who are the masters of this? Rassles, Erin, and Ryan.

Consider this versus this. See how your constant, interjected "look at me, look at me, see me here, telling the story???!!!" distracts from the story?

Work on that. We get that you're a writer, but get the fuck out of the way.

If you want to talk about the fairy tale anthology, why not write about the process of writing? Consider elaborating on how the characters took control of the story. In fact, use their voices in your post to explain what happened. Not only would that be a fascinating insight into the world of professional writing, but it might help you sell some books by provoking our interest.

Other than your chronic need to interject yourself into the middle of every single thing you write, my biggest objection to your blog is that it simply tries too fucking hard to titillate. With post titles like "Do You Like to Watch" and "Anal Ease," it's just too fucking much.

We get that you are Mia Watts, urban seductress and uber sexy author of fetish novels. But c'mon, man. Give us a fucking break.

If we wanted to read all of that, all the time, we'd buy the fucking books. Your blog is supposed to show the woman BEHIND the kitsch. Are you actually a real woman back there, or are you just a super slut whose panties are nearly constantly down?

I have nothing against honest sluts. I happen to be one. I like reading them. But, I get the sense that Mia the Super-Slutty is a mask that you put on for work. Is there anything behind the mask? If so, I might be interested in reading. If not, I'll pass.

Mia: you could learn a lot from Tom DeLonge:

I couldn't believe what this lady was saying
The names she was dropping, the games she was playing
She dated this guy who now rides for Black Flys
How she's down with the 'wise well-constructed disguise'
Now I'd rather go dateless than stay here and hate this
Her volume of makeup
her fake tits were tasteless
So, I said I'd call her but never would bother
...

So when you see her standing there
With green eyes and long blonde hair
She won't be wearing underwear and you'll discover
This girl's not the one and she'll never be fun
You should just turn and run because you'll find out that
Some girls try too hard.


Here's my advice: Stop posturing. Stop trying so fucking hard. Get out of your own damn way.

Be real.

That's all we really want from you: realness.

One thing I've learned in my 40s: Sexy doesn't work this hard. In fact, the harder you try to be sexy, less sexy you are. Sexy isn't something you wear, or a calculated game you play, it's something YOU ARE.

Sexy should look effortless. Any man will tell you that his girlfriend's freshly mussed hair and sweaty natural nakedness looks far better to him than the elaborately posed pretense of playboy. When sexy looks this hard, it makes us tired. After spending an hour or so on your blog, I'm sick of you. I don't want to hear about your panties. I don't want to envision you naked. I don't want to think about your (apparently) frequently traveled ass. I don't even want any cock.

Your blog has murdered my sex drive.

The next time you write a post, make a conscious effort to be real, and to stop trying so damn hard. Ask yourself why you're writing what you're writing. Find your fucking soul, and show it to us. That would be a hellalot sexier than all of these glimpses of your undergarments.

For your superficial, subjectless content, I give you this:


For your hideous layout, I give you these:


For making sexy unsexy, I give you this:


Just put some fucking panties on, and stop showing me your snatch.

415 comments:

  1. EXACTLY! Perfect review. I have read Mia's blog and been so UN...stimulated, excited, impressed. UN-everything. Honestly, all of that 'look at me' shit has made me wonder if she's not really all granny panties, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and an ability to type.

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  2. At this point, the last thing I want to think about is what kind of panties Mia wears. god help me.

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  3. Considered gouging eyes out when reading first post. Promise of anal did nothing to dissuade.

    Blog reads like porn shot through vaseline-coated lens.

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  4. And I thought it was going to be a shitty day. Well played LB, well played.

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  5. Such a perfect review and really very good advice.

    I honestly wanted to like Mia's blog. The pretext is there for me to love it. But in execution? Utter fail. I wonder if the blog is just a platform for publicity for her books.

    And holy fuck the Bridget Jones incomplete sentences schtick has been done to death. It's been 13 years. Find something original.

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  6. I like it when sex jumps out and surprises me, kind of like a flasher in the park, not when it beats me over the head repeatedly with a monstrous dildo.

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  7. Damnit. I had made a pact with myself that I wasn't going to judge other people's blogs anymore (just read others do so) and now here I am doing that. But I just can't help myself. The incomplete sentences is what did it. I can not be bothered to read a blog if the writer can not be bothered to complete a sentence. It's just lazy and distracting. Incomplete sentences can work here and there if used skillfully. But on her blog it's just constant. I couldn't read more than 2 posts. Sorry Mia!

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  8. Incomplete sentences interrupt my reading flow.

    Obviously, that means I'm probably just not that intelligent.

    I'll admit it.

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  9. And comment of the week goes to....Blues!!

    If you'll excuse me, I'm off to the park, hoping like hell to recreate the scene.

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  10. This precarious place on which I stand. It worries me.

    At the risk of revisiting the comment thread last week in which I was excoriated for confessing to liking "Across the Universe", I feel compelled to state my piece. In general, Mia has been nice to me and supportive of my writing efforts in comments over at my place. I know that may put me in the minority. So be it. Mia, as a person, seems pretty OK to me.

    But I am not in Mia's target audience. I know I'm not, as I am not interested in much of the subject matter I read last time I checked her place out. I don't think I know anyone, whether in real life or in Posol'stvo land, who is. That said, they must be there.

    I agree with the comment about writing in complete sentences. Other than that, I simply don't really get exactly what she's doing over there. Not my bowl of oatmeal, what have you. Then again, I don't have to get it. I'm not a customer at her buffet.

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  11. Shame on you!

    I walk around with a constant chubby just waiting for that inexplicable smell/curve/laugh of a woman to throw me into full wood.

    You steered hard into the unsexy slide and I now hate you.

    I don't even want to masturbate to the hair doll I made to resemble LB.

    A pox on your house!

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  12. Pos: I agree. As a person, Mia seems personable enough. I don't much care for her blog, though, which could stand really considerable structural and content improvement.

    Chris: I'm aghast. You can no longer masturbate to my hairy image? What is this world coming to? My date with my boyfriend for lunch today was also sadly sexless. I blame Mia's influence.

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  13. Was the reference to oatmeal intention, Pos? because, have you ever noticed that oatmeal looks exactly like sperm?

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  14. Sometimes the partial sentence works for me, but only if it's a short, punchy sentence of really descriptive words. To leave out the subject of a long sentence, especially the first sentence of a paragraph, reads like an obligatory e-mail to a relative you don't even like very much.

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  15. Whatever oatmeal you're eating, LB, is just wrong. Unless the sperm you're encountering has a raging case of gonorrhea with a side of genital warts.

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  16. y'all, oatmeal is gooey and lumpy and sort of whitish, just like sperm. You can't say you've never thought of the connection here.

    Oatmeal is definitely chewier, for sure, but they are equally gooey. Especially instant oatmeal. Instant oatmeal always reminds me of cum. So, I never eat it.

    And, don't get me started on overly watery grits.

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  17. I have never, ever thought of a connection between them. I think I might be traumatized now. Then again, I've never encountered lumpy jizz. What am I doing right/wrong?

    I tend to think of it as sort of gluey, but in a watery way.

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  18. I've never made that connection. Now, if you'd said mayo. Or hollendaisse. Or, shit, even clam chowder...

    Surely we'll be hearing from Dr. Biscotti soon.

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  19. Blues: So you're saying I should return that giant dildo club I just purchased? I was saving it for you.

    LB: EXACTLY.

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  20. Oh, and for the record, my semen does not resemble oatmeal.

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  21. Lumpy Jizz was the name I used when I was a professional wrestler in Mexico.

    It doesn't translate that well.

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  22. Another substance that is distressingly like jizz: tapioca pudding.

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  23. What does it say about Miss Mia when some of the biggest whores on the planet find her blog overly sexualized?

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  24. I don't think it's overly-sexualized, but it's definitely awkwardly-sexualized.

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  25. I think it says 'you need to use more lube, you're hurting our ass'.

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  26. Cool.

    Oh wait. Geez, what a totally utterly cool review. Is that better for you? I happen to prefer the short sentences out of convenience as do my readership. As with everything, there is a reason for abbreviated voice.

    I totally agree on the background. I hate it. I want red and black but the zipper annoys the hell out of me and I haven't figured out html well enough to manipulate the platform. So, until I do, it stays.

    Pos, thanks. Always nice to have a constructive point of view rather than the flaming pessimism generally represented here. Saying that, I knew what I signed up for and expected it. Actually, I laughed at the review. Or possibly better stated, with the review.

    The best description heard here today?

    "I wonder if the blog is just a platform for publicity for her books."

    Hm. You think?

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  27. Mia is a conundrum. On one hand, I like her. So I want her to do her thing, and do it well, regardless of what people say.

    But I don't feel like she's doing her thing on that blog sometimes, I feel like it's a show, and that makes it false. Sometimes she's on. Sometimes her efforts have holes.

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  28. But no matter what, I'm going to keep on reading.

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  29. Hey Mia, do you know what the general demographics are for your readers? This is not the set up for a big f-you, I'm just curious. In part because, yes, blog in this case=platform for books. So who is intended audience?

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  30. Yeah, I really don't understand the point. Privatize, Mia, because only your Platform People are going to enjoy your blog as it stands.

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  31. I happen to prefer the short sentences out of convenience as do my readership. As with everything, there is a reason for abbreviated voice.
    Translation: My readers are idiots who don't care that i write like an outdated hack.

    To that, I say, "Awesome. Keep on keepin' on."

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  32. Readers, other writers, publishers. I have three publishers and have to meet their requirements for promo. Readers carry the expectation as well... something about pink feather boas and shit. Red wine and chocolates. That kind of thing. Loopers who chat with the authors and other readers on a daily basis who begin to feel like they know you or find out everything there is about the person behind the persona to a scary, freaky extent.

    And most of us have more than one pen name which have to be distiguished between both for professional purposes and for personal separation from the taboo.

    Set me up if you want. I don't mind.

    Hey, Rassels. Thanks for the support. I love seeing your comments.

    (look! full sentences! *gasp*)

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  33. I don't think someone looking for publicity for a book want to go private and clearly submitting here was another attempt to drive people who might be interested in gay vampire sex to her site.

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  34. Of course, LB, there would be no other reason than the one you conceive. Good for you. Lord of thoughts and motives.

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  35. FF,
    "clearly submitting here was another attempt to drive people who might be interested in gay vampire sex to her site."

    yes.

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  36. ff: I think you're on to something.

    Mia: I think you're on something.

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  37. Ahem, I prefer the term "She who knows all."

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  38. Mia, by submitting here, were you hoping for constructive feedback that you will now disregard? Just curious.

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  39. Because, frankly, if that's the case, I'm going to be rather miffed. I could have done a total hatchet job, but instead chose to be helpful, and go in-depth with how you could improve the blog.

    I think it is annoying that you clearly have the capacity to do more with this, and choose not to.

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  40. Ok, I'm going to take a stab at this. If the demographics of Mia's erotic lit are looking for a persona that is over the top oozing lusty goodness, then I think she's done the job. I totally get that it's a persona designed to garner interest/loyalty. I think most of us here find it non-sexy because we are not that demo.

    Remeber the movie Romancing the Stone, how Joan? had this persona that didn't match at all with her real life, cat and tea filled nights? I think this is the same(not that you have cat and tea filled nights Mia). I think Mia probably hits her intended purpose on her blog. It's not for me but I would be curious to see how she writes when out of "Mia"

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  41. *hates people who choose, knowingly, to suck.*

    (and not suck in the good way, either)

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  42. And yes LB, I think even though we are not the intended audience, Mia could still incorporate your suggestions to make her space better.

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  43. And yes LB, I think even though we are not the intended audience, Mia could still incorporate your suggestions to make her space better.

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  44. No, LB, for constructive I could use. I'm always open to ideas on how to improve something. Whether or not I change my sentence structure is in the air. I have a lot of personal feedback that I must consider when it comes to my audience, too. But site wise, absolutely looking to improve. It's why I have a scroll down archive, why I visited the Pyzam site to begin with, and why I read this blog solid for about two months. I wanted to know.

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  45. I'm a persona and can still write in complete

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  46. Sorry -- it's a bit off topic but this thread suddenly made one of my favorite quotes from I Heart Huckabees jump into my head -- "How am I not myself?"

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  47. Why give up?

    It would be narrow minded of me to ignore the opinions of those not in my writing world, don't you agree?

    FF, you are so much more insightful than the others. Good for you in seeing multiple sides.

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  48. My jaw hurts, there's a chance I won't be able to give blowjobs for the next month, and I have to go see the doctor in an hour. I am clearly not in the proper frame of mind to discuss sucking.

    For the record, I am not anti-gay vampire porn, but as the blog presently exists, it would annoy the shit out of me to read it.

    Cal, also, is a freaky deaky girl, to some extent. That it simultaneously turned off both of us is telling.

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  49. Excellent quote, Pos.

    Most people aren't who they appear to be on the internet, I've discovered. What you put out there isn't automatically the heart of a person. But heaven forbid we should look too deeply. No, better you just ASS-ume you know I'm a slut. It's what's on the blog right? And that was my point, wasn't it?

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  50. Also, it is not fucking rocket science that this is a carefully constructed persona for the purposes of selling books. That's probably why it comes across as so fake.

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  51. Well there's more than vampire porn there. And more than gay work there, but all is erotica.

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  52. No, better you just ASS-ume you know I'm a slut.Actually, I drew that from your comments here. Your blog just reinforced my initial perceptions.

    I'm not anti-slut, I have a much-loved and well-cultivated inner slut that I cherish deeply. She doesn't try as hard as you do, though.

    God, I'm pissy. I need drugs and a good blog to read and someone who annoys me less than Mia does.

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  53. Sadly, Mia, none of it is 'erotic'.

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  54. And it's not fucking rocket science to say that you carry a persona of fuck-ass rudeness which is why, until notified, I hadn't been back.

    So I'm fake. Okay. Because in movies, I TOTALLY fucking believe that Heath Ledger was a gay cowboy too. Damn if that wasn't the truth.

    There's no excuse for gullibility, love.

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  55. I'd rather listen to my parents talk dirty to each other. Yes, all five of them, simultaneously, than refer to Mia's work as 'erotic'.

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  56. Heath Ledger=decent actor.
    Mia=not.

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  57. Thanks Thanatos.

    Not hard to be clever in a room of morons. Exceptions already noted.

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  58. Here's the thing. I read romance and I read erotica (though I don't read gay vampire erotica). And what I want from an author blog in terms of those genres is information on books, commentary on the industry, personal anecdotes related to the genre/the author's life, and writing in the style of the books.

    I haven't read Mia's books, so I can't comment on whether the writing on her blog matches the writing in her books, but if it does, I don't think I want to read the books. I should like Mia's blog, all things considered. I could be her chosen audience. But the stiltedness is off-putting. And, Mia, you should have more features related to your writing: a page for a bibliography, an "about the author," etc.

    And consider buying a domain.

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  59. We aren't your readers, full sentences, pls.

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  60. Mia, please take my comments at face value - I'm not trying to incite intellect fights, thank you :)

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  61. Oooo. He does math. I'm so totally impressed.

    Ghost lovey, go back to your parents. They need to spank your ass.

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  62. I'm not sure how I got clumped in with the "morons". Oh except I said I wasn't intelligent. Nevermind.

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  63. Good thing, Thanatos, I'm sure her 'superior intellect' would crush us all.

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  64. I'll grow up when you start writing something of value, Not Anne Rice.

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  65. Thanatos, I was. The second part of that comment was to the room at large. I do appreciate the remark.

    Calamity, excellent points. I'm working on a domain. I'm also working on the html. I'm not a techie so some of the tab things are yet beyond me. You are exactly who I need to hear from. Thank you for the insight.

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  66. I have a friend who I dearly love who speaks and writes in acronyms. I very often don't understand a thing she's saying, which annoys the piss out of me.

    Mia, your blog kind of reminds me of that friend. I want to like it, I just don't understand what you say half the time because of the writing style.

    Perhaps that's my defect, though. Count me among the idiots.

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  67. Betsey, I love your voice. I'd not attack you.

    Ghost, ANYONE's intellect could crush yours. Biscotti?! That's messed up.

    But hey, I'm doing my part in keeping your little snarkfest going. I know how you hate when no one fights back. SWAK

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  68. Wow. Talk about trying hard. Some of you work really hard at being pissed off and touchy all the time. I'm not the only faker here.

    But God this is fun.

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  69. The good news is I come by being pissed off and touchy naturally.

    So she must mean all of YOU.

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  70. Well, I for one, am still thoroughly
    with MG and her take on the Real Not Anne Rice.

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  71. I feel like I'm in an episode of the Electric Company. Which one of these is not like the other? Except it's all which one of these are worthy and smart, unlike the others, who are stupid posers with sexual dysfunction.

    The trick is, we're all pretty much all of the above.

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  72. "Sperm with raisins?"

    Sorry for the late response, but reading through the thread again, it occurred to me that if it looks like you have raisins in your sperm, you may want to have your prostate checked. Or you may have Nadstones.

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  73. I think cream of wheat may have been more apt than oatmeal. Or maybe I just wasn't with the right dudes.

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  74. If I had feelings, they might almost be hurt.

    "Some are more credible than others-NJ, for one. Rassels another excellent example. Betsy too. In regard toward the others, I've lost interest and find them not only juvenile but boring. An assessment most likely to collect enemies."

    She thinks we are juvenile. *sniffle*

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  75. You know what, Key, why don't you go ahead and beat me over the head with the dildo, and when you get done you can beat the dead horse in the room (just kidding Mongoliangirl, I would never encourage horse beating).

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  76. I hate oatmeal.

    probably because my dad used to put a raw egg our oatmeal when we were little. He thought it was good to get that protein in there.

    I always thought of oatmeal as being boogary, but you know, i wasn't really thinking of sperm the last time I ate oatmeal.

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  77. Blues: I will take you up on your offer. Also, I bet I know when you will next think of oatmeal.

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  78. What a strange weird world...I'm not sure how I wandered in here, but it's certainly different. The comments do make me wonder what Ms.Watts writes, though.

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  79. Raw egg in oatmeal? Igggh. Is your dad a sick fuck in other ways? Or just in the kitchen?

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  80. Jesus, all of you fucking erotica hacks are exactly the same! Anny, you know how you wandered in here. Also, you know what she writes. Jesus.

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  81. Mia - I spent a couple of minutes at your site. I agree with the others that the sentence structure is distracting. It's like when someone sends you a really long text message all in code and before you are half way done reading it you say, "Oh fuck this shit" and erase it.

    The point is, you might have a really good voice in there somewhere, but I'm not gonna dig through your code to find it.

    It sounds like someone writing for themselves so that thirty years from now they can read back through a private experience. If you want to share your experience, start with a subject and a predicate and go from there.

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  82. just thought I'd do my part in dildo clocking dead horses.

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  83. Nadstones is the much awaited followup to the movie Twilight.

    Just trying to get in on the gay vampire thing.

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  84. Thanatos: What horrible bastards stole your face? I must know, I have vengeance to seek out. You will have your face back.

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  85. Key - put the dildo back in your hand and continue beating.

    Thanatos - I come from an evangelical background, and I'm fairly sure that what my father did with our oatmeal was a sin.

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  86. Blues: I am so proud of you, I could cry.

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  87. Edward Cullen is so gay. I mean, he sparkles. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just not very terrifying. Neither is being gay, of course.

    I've completely lost my train of thought.

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  88. "I like it when they mix the sex with the violence."

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  89. Key - I still prefer Ginny flashing me in the park any day. You understand.

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  90. GoK : Thanks for the offer, I'll get drunk in the meantime.

    Blues : I'm guessing that comment was directed at Posol (who BTW is way too chatty for an INTJ).

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  91. Thanatos - sorry, you're right.
    I don't think there are any INTJs around here.

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  92. Than-man -- Careful. Your ignorance (about INTJ's at least) is showing. Some of us are very talkative. We just think everything through a few times before saying/writing it out.

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  93. Hmm, time to vandalize that wiki page on INTJs.

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  94. I don't know, Thanny, I think it fits Pos pretty well, and I don't even know him.

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  95. Also, I would like to add that I fucking rule today and created a giant rubber band ball at work.

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  96. Noted. And agreed with. But where in there does it say anything about frequency of blog comments?

    Oh yeah. It doesn't.

    In fact, reading that article was a bit spooky, as it was like reading "This is your Life" and yet, your assertion that my having a lot of smartass comments makes me not an INTJ is plainly not borne out.

    You'd have to see me in person to fully grasp that. Written communication is internal.

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  97. Man, guess I was too subtle.

    How about now?

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  98. Thanny, that's ridiculous.

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  99. I'm from the Colbert-wikipedia school of thought.

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  100. Rassles, ridiculously funny, that's what.

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  101. Careful... You're starting to remind me of my brother-in-law. And no, that is not a compliment.

    Seriously, it took a while for me to find what you were wanting me to see/find.

    And I shall bring this conversation up everytime one of my sproglets wants to use Wikipedia as a source in a research paper.

    "Careful, son. Some misanthrope may have just edited this page to win a pissing contest with a perfect stranger..."

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  102. Posol, easy mate. I was kidding, who takes wikipedia seriously anyway?

    Misanthrope? Pissing contest? *chuckle*.

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  103. And oh, the page is magically restored. Fun with intertubes on a monday afternoon.

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  104. Than -- This format conveys "tongue-in-cheek" badly. I suppose I should have dropped one of these bad boys -- ;) -- at the end.

    No worries. I was actually picking up "misanthrope" from your self description on your blog -- not that I think you fit that description. (Okay, you didn't use that word -- you instead said you hate people. Tomayto. Tomahto.)

    And you'd be surprised. At least one of my kids has used Wikipedia as a source in a paper. I was vastly dismayed.

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  105. Huh, don't think I said that either.

    I see all my work at the wiki factory may pay off someday.

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  106. I like Mia's template. Love it more with some neon animated gifs.

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  107. Some sparkly neon gifs, right Gap?

    Gosh, if only I were as smart as everyone who gets Mia's blog. That would be awesome. The problem can't be that it just ain't sexy or awesome. It must be me and my repressed sexuality and lack of witty repartee and assholish personality.

    ^.^

    Well, I admit that last part there. I can be a real asshole. Particularly when I'm dealing with dumbasses.

    ReplyDelete
  108. Yeah, LB, quit being such an asshole to me. (SARCASM)

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  109. Wait...it was supposed to be sexy? Ohhhhhh. Huh. I didnt get that.

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  110. Than -- it was on an old post of yours...

    "I never had a pet, I hate people [emphasis mine] and to an extent that I cant waste my time bitching them. I could go on with reams of stupid questions, but seriously how does it matter?"

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  111. In all fairness, Mia's blog IS sexy. Sexy like Susan Boyles.

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  112. I can feel those mental darts coming my way, commenters.

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  113. I refer you to the third para here. But enough of me, I get shy.

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  114. I see that you're a cute and virulent judge my friend! I'm belldeblue from Twitter. Please judge my blog too! I'm curious, i'm childish too?? I use many colors too... Please tell me your opinion. http://www.bb-bell.blogspot.com . I use so many colors!! But i like it... :-)

    ReplyDelete
  115. I think Mia's blog is sexy...sexy like a tranny whore all tramped up in Frederick's of Hollywood.

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  116. Bell, you want my love, it don't come for free, you stand in line like the rest.

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  117. Also, I never fake being pissed off and touchy. And for the record, I took it easy on this review. I didn't come at this nearly as hard as I could have, or was tempted to do.

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  118. Yes, her blog is sexy like 'flaccid' is 'useful'.

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  119. Yep, LB--a big fat juicy pulsing sparkly rotating rainbow heart (nested within a table, wrapped around a photo of a sexy cat)

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  120. Her blog is sexy like herpes.

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  121. I'm certain I would have murderized this blog. Hard.

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  122. Gap, I think that what would really make this blog is a sexy sparkly "slut" in the header image. Then people could be clear on what is being sold there.

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  123. A giant, flapping vaginal entrance named slut sprinkled with droplets of fresh blood. Like that, LB?

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  124. GoK -- Flaccid IS useful. If you're a priest. Or trying to route Cat 5 cable through walls.

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  125. No, gap, I think that would be way too realistic.

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  126. I'm pretty sure she can find the perfect image here.

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  127. To be frank, gap, the image you've described frightens me. I'm scared of meat curtains.

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  128. LB: Huh. I don't like coldcuts.

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  129. Sexy like a glitter covered blowup doll. Barely effectual but not worth the mess.

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  130. Flaccid might be useful if your vagina were dripping blood. Now, that's an image to make you hot, innit?

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  131. Get out of my living room, Chris.

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  132. Chris: and smelling, as all strippers do, of Love's Baby Soft and baby powder.

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  133. You know, that is scary. I'm sick.

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  134. This whole thread smells like Aqua Net.

    ReplyDelete
  135. gap: It smells like an adult theater.

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  136. Sign up your blog, Bell. First, go vote

    ReplyDelete
  137. Also, am a big meanie. Should perhaps finish the laundry and/or stop being a neglectimommy. Underpants are calling my name.

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  138. Note to self: You can lead a pussy to water, but you can't make it think.

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  139. LB, your underpants are calling me as well.

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  140. neglectimommy? Funnny, teehee hehe LOLROFL. Wonder if neglectimommy.com already taken. Will be making salad. Then animated vagina gif.

    ReplyDelete
  141. Hmm, no I dont think flaccid equals sexy.
    But c'mon, loves baby soft? Mmmmm nothing sexier than that!

    Please tell me someone remembers the horrible ads they used to have?

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  142. I can Only assume That You are Illiterate, unintelligent and have little to no taste in people or books. If you spent half as much time getting to know people and looking a little deeper then that damn 14in double side dildo up your ass you would know what an AWESOME writer and person Mia is. Her Blogs are Wonderful as well as her books. For a new Coming i think she is wonderful.. But I do have to Give You credit for something For all the Hater mongering and Stupid Nonsense you spew.. More People are getting to know her and Love her.. So PLEASE keep trying to knock her down.. The Crappier you are the more

    PLEASE Rag On me back I need New Toilet Paper to wipe my arse with.

    ReplyDelete
  143. Um, seriously? We're the illiterate ones? Wow.

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  144. Tasteless Morons Just seemed too Bitchy and Queen Like

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  145. DPH, well yea obviously!

    Because this:

    "Don't Hate me because i am Beautiful
    Hate me Cause Your SO though so cause i do this thing
    with my tongue."

    Makes her a literary fucking genius!

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  146. Thanks Sarah. That comment and the 4 beers I've drunk in the 10 minutes since I've been home, just made my bad day better!

    ReplyDelete
  147. What Pissed because i thought of it first? I can see that this is just a Pack of Wanna be writers who are jealous of someone better then they are.. had i know that i wouldn't have bothered to use big words.

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  148. Apparently capital letters were on sale this week. Else WhY WouLD sHe USE so DAmN ManY Of tHEM, and at such odd intervals?

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  149. Thought of what first? If it was a coherent sentence then, yea..sure, maybe.

    But seriously, what the shit is that supposed to mean?

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  150. Silver, english is a second language for you, isn't it? You can tell me, I'm totally not trustworthy!

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  151. Oh, sweetie. Just stop. Really, you're embarrassing yourself.

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  152. Silver -- Call me a sucker for a coherent thought. I don't mind being insulted. I just prefer it if the insult isn't riddled with irony.

    Let's try this again, but this time, keep your Chicago Manual of Style at the ready, hmmm?

    ReplyDelete
  153. Yes, I'll be crying when she is a wildly famous author, silverfox. Taste? Wow, aren't you a bit delusional?

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  154. OK when the 2 of you are done Carpet munching each other and aren't Drunk let me know.. Its Not Fair Arguing with Impaired people.. I Mean HONESTLY when Did the 2 of you fall of the short Bus?? WAIT WAIT WAIT that would mean i would have to imply you were retarded and between the 2 of you and your come back you don't have a brain between you both do you? I mean DAMN You Make Brain Dead Look smart.

    ReplyDelete
  155. You know what's really entertaining? Silverfox's blog. Wow.

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  156. Clearly, silverfox, you're retarded.

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  157. Ghost, her blog is a work of art. DOnt go there. No ReAlly Dont.

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  158. Listen Silvercooch,
    I'm not entirely sure what your intentions here are, but really and truly..you're kinda retarded. You should stop now. If you cant have a semi articulate conversation, please step to the side and let the grown ups talk m'kay sweetie?

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  159. First who in the HELL is Silverfox? I mean i assume You have to have at least a 3rd grade reading level to be on this Blog. I know silver is a common name for online But Damn I guess i can Assume anyone on here Can read Past 1st grade. When You learn to Read my name I'll come back to you Till then YOUR THE WEAKEST LINK BYE BYE!

    ReplyDelete
  160. Here, silver, while we're all talking, here's a toy.

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  161. Sarah, you're such a condescending cunt. Wanna munch my carpet ;)

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  162. I just don't care for pixies, cunt.

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  163. Show me the Fucking Adults in this Place and Not the Adolescents Prepubescent Retards and I'll be happy to talk to them.. Cause All I see Right Now is just that WAIT WAIT WAIT i forgot SMALL WORDS
    Y
    O
    u
    S
    T
    U
    I
    D
    small enough words for you?

    ReplyDelete
  164. Where is My Mind - The Pixies was a good song.

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  165. YES i have A Cunt is that the Problem i have a working one and You don't?

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  166. Also, retard, it's 'YOU'RE', not YOUR.

    ReplyDelete
  167. Wait, I'm STUID? Fuck! I knew it!

    ReplyDelete
  168. Oh man. We're doing that again huh? I'm going to have to say it eventually arent I?

    Like I said silverbush, if you cant use your big girl words then please go sit quietly in the corner.

    ReplyDelete
  169. I Forgot the grammar police were Out tonight!! OK You're CUT IS OLD AND FULL OF COBWEBS Mine isn't again Jealous MUCH

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  170. SF: I have, without a doubt, one of the finest working cunts. It's attached to my fiancee.

    ReplyDelete
  171. Yes, DPH we are all STUID. STUID fuckers.

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  172. Oh, you have a cut? Do you need a bandaid?

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  173. You would think that someone attacking our literacy would at least be able to outspell a fifth grader.

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  174. NO DPH you would HAVE To Be Retarded to be stupid.. WOW YOU STOPPED DRINKING AND CARPET MUNCHING LONG ENOUGH TO TALK!!! AA must be Helping

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  175. Isnt there a show, something about being smarter than a fifth grader?

    This bitch would bomb.

    ReplyDelete
  176. I don't remember getting a cut recently, I'll have to check and see if I have one with cobwebs...

    ReplyDelete
  177. I don't know Sarah You have Ear Muffs to hold what little Of the Brain You cant use in?

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  178. Also, how many people have to remind you to breathe, silver? I'm guessing five. Prove me wrong, mongoloid.

    ReplyDelete
  179. Ew. Spiders in cuts. Thats just poor hygiene.

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  180. Sarah and DPH you both Make Stupid Blond look Smart!! Good for You and Your career goals

    ReplyDelete
  181. Wow, you really are a comedic genius, aren't you?

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  182. I don't Know Ghost cant Breath over your breath and I'm on a computer so that says a lot.. Wait i think that's Fish i smell sarah and DPH must be at it again

    ReplyDelete
  183. ESL, did not work out well did it? Please for the love of all that is good and decent, learn how to speak.
    You're and your are not the same fucking thing douche bag. Please capitalize your fucking "I". Its really bothersome trying to read your gibberish.

    ReplyDelete
  184. "i smell sarah and DPH must be at it again"

    The problem (for you anyway) is that would be considered a good thing 'round these parts.

    ReplyDelete
  185. sure as Hell a lot funnier then the Crap i have read in here tonight. I mean Ghost Damn I would think You and Your lil Posse were a tad Funnier then this... I mean DAMN i thought i would be challenged.. Christian Mothers are smarter then you guys Damn

    ReplyDelete
  186. Thanny, you're damn straight it would! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  187. I draw the Line at Anything that Smells that bad.. I'll stick to what I got.. Thanks for the Entertainment But i have bigger fish to fry thanks for the Warm UP OH AND BTW Thanks For HELPING ME Get MIA More People to come see Her and to Buy her Books Your trained Well!! PLEASE keep it up Your HELPING HER not hurting her

    ReplyDelete
  188. We don't need to be funny. You're retardation and inability to form a sentence are funny enough!

    ReplyDelete
  189. *blows Kisses* PLEASE DON'T STOP THIS IS SUCH a HUGE HELP!!

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.