Monday, February 15, 2010

This is not a review


Guess what’s not happening here at ‘Ask’? Blog reviews for those who blog without c.l.e.a.r.l.y. reading and then taking time to re-read and comprehend this and this.

Thank goodness, otherwise I would be pounding away on this keyboard writing a review for Nutcase 101. What kind of pain in my ass would that have been?

I would have started at the ‘About’ page where there would be some cloudy blurb about a weight problem, acting like being in one’s 30’s is confounding, a boyfriend and two cats.

Then I would have read post after post that I would have wished told me more. I would have read about the decision to post about a nose job, and then realized the photos had been removed. I would have been walked right up to the edge of the ache of missing someone, but not thrown over the cliff. I would have been told I am going to learn about the mental and emotional attachment to food, and then given some kind of countdown that I can get just as easily (and with one hell of a lot more entertainment or gut wrenching honesty) by stopping by any local OA or Weight Watchers meeting.

Worst of all, I would have found myself still hopeful at the point of finding an entire page devoted to a ‘Bucket List’. You know, that list we’re all supposed to have of things we want to do before we die.

“Oh sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” I would think. “Maybe she’s just shoved all the good stuff in there!”

I would lick my chops in anticipation of some place east of nowhere that she’s always wanted to go, the desire for an advanced degree, or wanting to take it up the ass just once.

I would end up getting sticking to a cleaning schedule and budget, drinking more water, cooking with less beef and I don’t know what the fuck all else. Oh, and let’s not forget two entire pages devoted to knitting and sewing that contain statements that photos and descriptions will be posted. This is, of course, is followed by nothing.

I sure am glad ‘Ask’ doesn’t review blogs like Nutcase 101. As a matter of fact, here’s an






for ‘Ask’ for that.

Oh, and here’s a





and a





for Nutcase 101 and other blogs like it for clogging up the blogosphere.
At least they don’t mind when they ask for a blog review and we simply refuse to do it. Otherwise, I would probably be so frustrated at this point that I would simply have to slap someone directly in the mouth about now.

22 comments:

  1. As a knitter who occasionally posts photos of what I've made, I cry bullshit on Nutcase--she should know that it's purl, not perl.

    Love the review, Fontaine. And the lips.

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  2. I love cats but cats are like kids, you think yours are the cutest, most funny and clever ones around. Unless you are one hell of a writer, someone else's cats just are not that interesting.

    Oh, and the font makes it nearly impossible to read, maybe she should make the font smaller so I can't read it at all.

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  3. I've been actually wanting to write about my cat for awhile, but he really is beyond words, in a psycho sort of way. I remember a funny post by Rassles about cats.

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  4. I agree about the lips. Although I'm impartial to blue.

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  5. I just read some of this blog and it was so boring that I am now wanted by the police for a series of disgusting but diverting crimes.

    I turn thirty this year and am now firmly resolved to cook with MORE BEEF and more authors of tedious blogs.

    That's right, 'Nutcase', I'm going to eat you for my tea.

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  6. Oh I love it when Sack threatens cannibalism.

    Anyone have a nice chianti?

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  7. Miss Missives, when I have finished cooking, you can lick the bowl out.

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  8. I can't seem to get a comment to go through on her blog to let her know she has been reviewed. Anyone else want to give it a try?
    Sack Posset, I get to lick the spoon.

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  9. She has comment moderation, but I left one.

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  10. Holy fucking ugly template from hell. I can't get past that.

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  11. Comment moderation for what? Complaints about the word bland fitting everything about her blog!
    Will the bo-ring never end?

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  12. If you're going to post in 2 point type, you'd better be entertaining as hell. If I have to get my butt off the couch to go looking for glasses, odds are I'm not coming back.

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  13. "Let’s face it, nothing vital was really coming out of my fingertips either."

    In her own words, well said.

    This is probably one of those cases where she is very nice and perhaps even engaging in person but somehow, it just doesn't translate on the page.

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  14. And Sack Posset can let us know if she is as tasty as her personality, no?

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  15. I read the blog and had to go somewhere else. Now it's been a few hours and I completely forgot what it was about. Was it the one hiding ashtrays in rocks? Let me check...

    Oh, it's the one explaining what made her use the word FUCK.

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  16. Shit the bed, I just read:

    5. Go for a picnic and a nice stroll afterwards.

    Since when was going for a stroll a landmark event? If there's weight issues abounding here, surely a jog would be a better idea.

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  17. If I had to explain my use of the word fuck my keyboard would fucking set itself on fire.

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  18. Fontaine, I have 'Fuck' on a hot key now, that's how often I use it.

    Oh, and 'spank' too.

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  19. Fuck on a hot key. How appropriate! And spank too. Classic Miss Missives. I suppose I should break down and get fuck on one as well. Along with various and sundry other obscenities. It would, at the very least, save time and be very honest.

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  20. It's a good thing that this wasn't a review.

    If I'd had to review that post-it note disguising itself as a blog, I would have pulled my hair out a long time ago.

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  21. Don't worry about my ultra tight spam filter that kept you from your delightful words, I've read the review.

    I concur that my blog sucks and hence my desire to remove it to the non-published hell it belongs in. I write it for myself and instantly regretted nominating myself for a review but there is no "OH FUCK WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?!" button, so I deserve the kind words you posted here.

    Yes, people who can't write having blogs are wrong. Also, the lack of direction thing is so annoying - oh yeah, my inability to use perl/purl sucks the life out of the universe as well.

    Thanks for the words and I agree with a lot of them and are the swift kick in the pants that I needed.

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Grow a pair.