Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Eat My Baby

This week we get a double penetration, oops I mean double feature. For every good raccoon, there's a better bimbo to boot. Monday gave us back our resident beast and now we've got our favorite bimbo back, but make room for her because she's filled with Angry Baby. Maybe she finally ate one of those biscotti Ghost is always hawking. ~Miss Missives



Hello boys and girls, it's me. Your favorite ex-hooker turned Bimbo. I was so excited to get an email from my friends at Ask about doing a review. I mean, I'm pregnant and completely hormonal. My husband is certainly tired of me being such a cunt to him, so it was time for me spread my hatred and hormones elsewhere!


Jewelz
is the blogger I was given to review, and oh my GOD am I ever happy that this is the shit I was handed. Let's start with first impressions. I hate your header and it makes me want to punch kittens. You look constipated in the picture too, just FYI. The column on the side with recent comments is kind of retarded, but doesn't really bother me all that much. The thing that does bother me about your layout is the option at the bottom of EACH post where it says, "You might also like..." and links to other posts.


I'm a fan of bold print. Big fan actually. But holy mother fucking overkill woman! Almost every single post has bold print. It's like you're assuming that me, the reader, is too stupid to follow your train of thought, and you need to make each new topic bold just for their inferior ass.


As far as content goes, there really isn't any. Grammatically, you're not a bad writer. I guess I just don't get why you have a blog. Is it to get more business for your company? It's almost like you're Perez Hilton but the only person you're interested in writing about is yourself. I'll give it to you; you're very pretty and I'd totally fuck you. But is it necessary to relentlessly post pictures of yourself in a bikini and in slutty dresses in almost every post? If you're interested in having a blog that has actual content, then write. Stop promoting yourself and your business. Stop talking about how "cool" you are and just talk about YOU!


Overall, I didn't hate you, I just didn't like you. Maybe eat a slice of humble pie and figure out why exactly you're blogging.


25 comments:

  1. Actually, I thought this was pretty funny:
    The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas
    OK, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'll give her credit for that ONE post, but that's it. The rest are crap.

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  3. I saw a play and went to a restaurant and I have a laptop and it's PINK! LOOK AT MY GAMS!

    What. The. Fuck.

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  4. Some of it is ok, even mildly entertaining but it's so self involved. I like what you said about it being like Perez Hilton if he only talked about himself.

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  5. I guess I just don't really get why she submitted her blog. She seems to just be about shameless self promotion.

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  6. "It's almost like you're Perez Hilton but the only person you're interested in writing about is yourself."

    I'm writing that in black eyeliner on my mirror, it was so awesome.

    I think that needs a badge.

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  7. She's not Perez Hilton, she's Paris Hilton crossed with Snookie. America is totally going to hell in a gucci purse.

    I HATE THIS BLOG.

    I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

    Chicks like this should be norplanted by sniper rifle from a distance so they don't pass the stupid along to future generations.

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  8. That deserves a fist pump.

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  9. The Real Snookie3/04/2010 12:47 PM

    I think we got a Situation.

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  10. I'm not a fag. I'm a werewolf, but she's hooch.

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  11. I could help her with #43 on her life list.

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  12. If this was satire, it would be awesome. Is it possible that this entire blog is a cleverly played send-up of a braindead Snookie with no breasticles?

    If so, that would be something I could get on board with.

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  13. Also, relevant instructional manual. Just in case you ever decide to be an extra on jersey shore.

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  14. fake tan wolf3/04/2010 2:01 PM

    you are such a fag, teen wolf.

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  15. Oh you Bimbo. You knocked up little Bimbo. Where ya been?

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  16. By the way, what the fuck is Snookie? God, I've been out of the country too long, I don't get pop culture references anymore.

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  17. I don't know if it's possible for me to read the Botox and Boobs post unsatirically. Like I thought we just made fun of those people, not that they actually existed.

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  18. Blues,

    Don't feel too bad...I live here and I didn't know who Snookie is either.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Professor Booty3/04/2010 7:51 PM

    I have no idea what any of that is about, but I want to take issue on one of your critiques. I think I would like to see more bikinis and slutty dresses.

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  20. My favourite thing is her first post after the review. She mentions how she didn't get any constructive criticism, while simultaneously starting every sentence with 'I' and telling some unrelated, self involved story mid way through. I say re-read the review, my dear. You got constructive criticism, you're just too up thy own to take it on board.

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  21. mongoliangirl3/05/2010 7:59 AM

    Whore! I've missed you. Nice review, even if she IS posting about getting no constructive criticism (I wouldn't know, as I simply cannot bring myself to go over there).
    Is it just me? Or aren't we more likely to find peace on earth and goodwill toward all if we dress ourselves in bikinis and call ourselves self-promoting whores instead of trying to pretend we're blogging.
    I, for one, am going to begin posting bikini clad photos of myself while holding a crow bar and threatening the neighbors.

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  22. I love how she says the only reason she submitted was because she was bored, but then complains she didn't get any constructive criticism. Why do you care if you were only submitting because you were bored. There was plenty of constructive criticism. Want some more? Stop talking all about yourself. You're welcome. P.S. I said I would fuck you. I wasn't speaking for anyone else.

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  23. How can she expect constructive criticism when she's just a big ball of "meh?"

    People have no opinion on your blog, girl, because you are generic and self-obsessed. Advice (which was already given to you) is limited to:

    1. Show how you are unusual - and if it turns out that you aren't (which is most likely going to happen) talk about how you always thought you were unusual and you just discovered your lack of individuality and personality and now you must deal with that. Emotionally.
    2. That kind of self-obsession is hysterical.

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  24. This chick is shallow as a teaspoon and i've seen better looking women in third rate strip clubs. Here's some constructive criticism, you're an annoying cunt.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.