A Tale Of Two Blogs

A review by Here In Franklin

If you go back to Jane’s very first post, from December 2008, here’s what you get:

"Have been super busy over the past couple of months painting new Christmas ornaments for our internet store. Since I wanted to paint something different to add to our collection, I researched the Pennsylvania Dutch folk art designs that my daughter and I saw on the barns and storefronts when we visited the area a couple of years ago."

A few days later, the next post offered up this little gem:

"Since I'm a self taught decorative artist, I began researching glass painting and soon discovered that I needed all new paints and all new brushes."

Holy mother of God— Madame Bellicose, she hates me. She gave me a blog about glass painting to review written by a 68-year-old woman in Bum Fuck, North Carolina. Jesus palomino.

I don’t give a flying fuck in a rolling doughnut hole about glass painting, but Jane’s writing wasn’t bad, so I kept on reading. I read memes and read about all of Jane’s super awesome awards—to date I count 20 on her sidebar including one from Sniffles and Smiles, one from Mom and Pops Place and one from the Chatty Crone. Jane—trust me on this—the only award you want is an IFLY. Ditch that crap—they’re not worth the pixels they’re made with.

So on I read…studio blah blah blah…cats blah blah blah…baggy of pot in the mail blah blah blah…

Whoa…from memes and awards to pot in the mail…and not just in the mail, delivered to your bosses office? Tell me more.

That’s when I realized that if you’re 68 in 2010, you were 26 in 1968—the summer of love. Our glass-painting grandma has quite a past up her sleeve. Trouble is, you have to dig to find it.

Jane, you’ve traveled the world, dated some interesting men, worked for a KKK lawyer and partied with sheiks. You shared the same outhouse with a rattlesnake. For the love of God, why are you writing about glass painting? You even fell down a sewer hole—don’t you realize how lucky you are??? That’s blogger gold.

Here’s the deal…I don’t know if you want your blog to be a memoir of your wicked youth or more of an outlet for your online store, but you should decide. At the minimum, figure out a way to categorize your posts—don’t make me dig through five posts in a row of memes and awards to find a gem. Separate them out—“home renovation,” “life abroad” and “peeing with snakes” for example.

Then, and this is the big one…beef up your storytelling skills. You’re Southern…you have it in you. Don’t just tell me you ate a sheep’s brain…tell me where and when and why. Don’t just tell me it was disgusting, describe the texture…tell me if ketchup or mayo would’ve improved it. Tell me if you barfed later or just discreetly coughed it into your napkin.

You have a lifetime of stories to tell, Jane. I’m guessing there are a lot of people out there who would enjoy reading them.

I’m giving you two stars. Lose the memes and awards and bring some order out of chaos and you’ll be upgraded.