Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Roped in like a fashion model on an Ex-Lax farm

There are some things that I, your darling Fontaine, do not wish to read. Here's a list of just a few:

-The 'deep' thoughts and reflections of those in their 20's
-Those in their 20's talking about 'navigating' their 20's
-Those in their 20's stating they are searching for peace, happiness and love
-Pretty much anything written by those in their 20's

With this in mind, imagine my reaction when Madame Bellicose emailed to tell me I would be reviewing a blog called The View From Here this week. It is not one, but five, 20-something women blogging together. That's right, I said five 20-something women blogging together. It was as if someone suggested I allow myself to be stripped down naked, strapped to a dirty bed in an abandoned psych ward somewhere in the woods of New Hampshire, and willingly subject myself to the latest treatment of being spoon fed rusty barb wire by the innovative and caring Dr. Finger Fuck.

Now that I think about it, Dr. Finger Fuck and his 'treatment' seemed highly attractive compared to the notion of having to read a blog written by five 20-something women.

I wanted to crawl through my computer and turn Madame's trusty and snappy riding crop upon her face. Alas, I'm willing to do pretty much anything for 'Ask', and opened the link anyway.

And then I found myself watching a Jay Z video without having the reaction of wanting to wander off and get my laundry started due to being bored out of my wits. Why? There was nothing else to the post other than some little comment about having a pre-concert 'drank'.

And I got all riled up at Marion Barry all over again. Why? I've thought of him as a stupid, stank and rank Jenny since the 1980's. How did these reflecting and navigating 20-somethings rope me into this?

I even found myself watching an entire video clip of an Alexander McQueen fashion show and dreaming of, just once, strutting my stuff down the runway of anorexiaville while not giving two shits (unless, of course, I've been supplementing my eating disorder with Ex-Lax) that I look like a human toothpick that could be blown in half by a 2mph wind gust.

At the video's end I found myself slack jawed, wide-eyed and wondering, "Did that just happen to me? Did I just admire a fashion show? And actually dream of being in one? Sweet tap dancin' Jesus, how high am I?"

Indeed, five 20-somethings had roped me in and roped me in big. I lost all navigation of my own; not following my usual review protocol of rigid adherence to methodically picking through post after post, scouring the 'About' section, making notes, and then winding it all together for my review.

I simply started reading. I simply wanted more.

Rum Punch
Amaretto
mint julep
5 and a possible
courvoisier
Bellini

Who?Are?You?
I want to know what you did over the weekend. What concert you're going to next. What pains you about attempting to simultaneously respect the rules and live your own truth.

How did you get this quick and witty? You made me laugh out loud. A rarity in the world of blogging.

How did you know the best way to get an old broad like me to actually consider doing a little 40-something navigation of my own was to first entice me into dreaming of ripping the pants off of 'BSteve'? I actually found myself wondering what would have happened if I would R.S.V.P.'d in the affirmative to that invitation to Germany so many years ago, and even reconsidered putting off my trip to the Festival in the Desert another year. And no, none of you are welcome to call me an old broad, lest you want to be shamed into admitting you got bitch slapped by a 40-something whose rudder was off kilter.

Here's a word to you wise, witty, thoughtful and navigating ladies:

1. It's time to edit the shit out of your posts. Though you did rope me in, there were times when your brilliance was dulled by having to slog through lazy misspellings, improper grammar and syntax, and even lazier punctuation. I am using a post by Bellini as an example, but you are all guilty. Create a system of review of your own to help one another work out the kinks before you publish a post. (Yes, I know it's amazing that I'm actually suggesting the kink be taken OUT of a situation.)

2. Knock it off with anything blah. By that I mean I never, ever, ever want to read a post about "this happened and then this happened..." out of any one of you ever again. Did I say never? I mean it. I am more than disappointed that one of you posted this on the very day I am writing this review. This 'turn that frown upside down' crap about a lost i-pod, a snow storm and things being strange at work simply will not do. Ever. Never. Stop it. All of you.

3. Tighten up the information about yourselves and your blog. I do not recommend blowing your anonymity, but do think your blog could benefit from more concise descriptions of each one of you, and an overall 'About' page that describes just how brilliant you are, the reasons you are blogging, and what to expect. The blurb on the front page about blogging about 'everything and nothing' and the 'insane and mundane' is beneath you and your blog.

4. Keep going. I may forever prefer being spoon fed barb wire by Dr. Finger Fuck to reading the ramblings of a passel of 20-something women, but would be more than happy to keep this blog as one of my regular reads if you're willing to follow my instructions in 1, 2 and 3.

37 comments:

  1. Five 20-something? All those hormones....

    Good blog though. The "quick and witty" link is broken.

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  2. Actually, most links are broken.

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  3. YOU PEOPLE KEEP ON SHIT TALKING MY KIND AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

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  4. Preach it fellow-20-odd year sistah!

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  5. Jesus Rassles, aren't you 30 yet?

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  6. One more year, friend. One more.

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  7. Also: these girls confuse the hell out of me. I don't understand any of it. What are they fucking talking about?

    Yeah, I don't think I identified with a single post.

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  8. I'm with Rassles. I don't get it; them.

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  9. Oh calm down all you randy, rareified, 20-year-old freaks. I promise, most of your kind will drive you mad when you're a 40-something. And then, you will find a few gems such as yourselves and they will make you think.
    It may not be the exact crew of 'The View From Here', but you will find them and fucking love them.
    Now, get back to your whining. I'm busy looking at my developing age spots and planning to rape my husband when he gets home from work. Did I say rape? I shouldn't have. You can't rape the willing, after all.

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  10. Hey! It's Rum Punch from 5andapos! Wow, I totally forgot that I sent in our blog to be reviewed. So, thanks for the review. Sure we know we're not everyone's cup of tea, but I think I speak for the other 4 when I say that we enjoy what we do and it has helped keep us sane. We will definitely consider your suggestions.

    Fontaine - Also, as Thanatos pointed out - a lot of the links are broken - how will we know which blogs you liked? Thanks y'all!

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  11. Don't thank me for my suggestions, and then say you will 'consider' them. It makes me want to go all 40-something on your ass.
    Not really. It's your damn blog, right?
    If Madame Bellicose and I could not get a link to work, it is something on your end. I assure you. We both tried several times and we're both fucking brilliant. See what you can do.
    In the meantime, post more Alexander McQueen fashion show shit. I want to experience the anorexia dream again.

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  12. Very interesting... tell me how you really feel you. I agree I have to get better at writing my post. Sometimes I am in such a rush.

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  13. Um, Courvoisier, you did read the FAQ and Submit pages before submitting your blog, yes? Good! Then you are only feigning surprise at being told what I truly feel.
    If you know you need to tighten up your posts, do it. Consider it a keyboard kegel.

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  14. Wow, someone has a short fuse today...

    I don't know how the links got messed up, but here's a hint. The ones that work are in the format blog/year/month/post-title. The ones that fail are blog/post-title. I suspect someones been messing around with the archiving format in the reviewed blog.

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  15. And I'm hoping with enough weed and alcohol, 20 years from now, my current age group will be invisible to my eyes.

    Totally rad man.

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  16. Thanks for the tip about the links, Than.
    Thanks for assessing my psychological disorder.
    Oh, and I promise no amount of weed, booze or any other mind altering chemical will make those in their 20's go away.

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  17. Well don't get snippy with courvoisier cause I submitted the blog without telling the others. So yeah it was like boom pow surprise for them. Heh. Good times. Well as an "aspiring" writer who does more than blog, I can only speak for myself - but I appreciated the feedback.
    @ Thanatos - thanks for picking up on the problem. Will look into it.

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  18. Rummy? Seriously? You submitted without telling the other bloggers? Oy vey! I would apologize, but think you should. That is simply not nice. Especially around these here dirty parts.

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  19. Fontaine,

    As someone much closer to your age, I have to say that I like these women too. The writing is all over the place, but there's a lot of thoughtfulness behind it. I'm sure you noticed that they've been at this since 2007...I love how dedicated they are. I also want to know more about them.

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  20. Amen! Something from another old broad. Er, I mean, one of my contemporaries.
    So right. I want to know more and, yes, their dedication is amazing. They, in my opinion, will do well as long as they stop crying about me being a slightly angry old battle axe.

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  21. Fontaine,

    Did you see the legs on those girls? I'm surprised they could bear up under the weight of the breasts. Oh...gotta go, I think my Hungry Man dinner is ready.

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  22. Ha! Yeah I think it was a slow day at work and I was like, 'hey I'm gonna submit us!' I swore I sent them an oh by the way email. Oh well. Thank goodness it was overall positive or I woulda caught it! Yes, we've been doing this for awhile and were glad our dedication shows.

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  23. Rum Punch,

    Your review wasn't just positive, you got an IFLY--it's really a rare honor, especially from Fontaine who doesn't hand those out very often.

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  24. That is awesome!! I will take it back to group. Woo hoo! Go us!

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  25. Listen to the old broads, Rummy. It is true that IFLYs around here are rare. As a matter of fact, I have never handed one out until today.
    I would suggest you email your sister bloggers immediately and tell them to kiss my ass out of gratitude, but it's still a little tender from Madame Bellicose whipping it when I originally complained about having to review a blog written by 5 twenty-year-olds.

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  26. I didn't get it and I hate the pea soup template.

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  27. Not only is an IFLY rare around here,Rummy, I've never personally handed one out until today.
    I would tell you to get the other 4 ladies to kiss my ass out of deep gratitude, but it's still a little sore from Madame Bellicose whipping it when I was originally so put out over having to review a blog written by five 20-somethings.

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  28. Shit, my ass hurts so much that I'm commenting twice and not even realizing it.
    Find your own 20-somethings to love, Love Bites. Honestly, it can make you wish for anorexia and want to know what Jay Z is doing.

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  29. The exchange has really made my evening! I will take this good news back to the girls. 'Preciate it! To those who don't "get" us-theres nothing to get, this is just us. And we find us pretty darn entertaining. Good night!

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  30. This gets an IFLY?? I'm confused.

    I know I'm one year removed from my 20s and I'm vaginally-challenged (take that as you will) so maybe I'm not the target audience, but I still don't see the appeal.

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  31. I don't get it either, but when in fucking Rome, you know?

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  32. IFLY Daddy. IFL your confusion.
    And Rassles? I didn't know you were fucking a Roman! How exciting!

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  33. This is too funny. Well you know what they say, everything ain't for everybody, but y'all probably don't get that reference either.* We've been at it for awhile though - find a week from 2008 when we were on our grind and still young and hungry. Lol.

    Sweet! I was able to find the links that didn't work - glad you looked at some of our old, old stuff as part of your review.

    *It's Jill Scott by the way.

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  34. See, Rummy, that's part of the 20-something thing (did I just hear the hair stand up on the back of Rassle's neck?).
    Everyone has heard something along the lines of the Jill Scott quote, right down to "I yam whud I yam" courtesy of Popeye.
    No worries, it's just that 20-somethings are often sure they've come upon the quote of all quotes and are unique for using it.
    That's the thing I like about being 40-something; I know I will never do or say anything new. I am, however, quite positive it is important anyway.

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  35. Fontaine - I rocks with you! I love it! Absolutely love it. Here I was thinkin I was bein all deep and profound. Good thing we are roundin 30. I hear that's a helluva decade.

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  36. Those Alexander McQueen girls have arms longer than my legs and someone needs to give them a sandwich.

    This blog was kinda meh for me, wanted to like it by alas, no.

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  37. FF: Tis true, the McQueen girls need a sandwich.
    Rummy: Prepare now to learn how to take a nice, hearty ass whippin' by your 30's.
    Don't worry, by the time you make it through that you get to have your 40's where you can whip somebody's ass with just a few words.
    That means, of course, that I'm looking forward to my 50's where I can kill someone with just one look.
    It just keeps gettin' better!

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Grow a pair.