Roped in like a fashion model on an Ex-Lax farm

There are some things that I, your darling Fontaine, do not wish to read. Here's a list of just a few:

-The 'deep' thoughts and reflections of those in their 20's
-Those in their 20's talking about 'navigating' their 20's
-Those in their 20's stating they are searching for peace, happiness and love
-Pretty much anything written by those in their 20's

With this in mind, imagine my reaction when Madame Bellicose emailed to tell me I would be reviewing a blog called The View From Here this week. It is not one, but five, 20-something women blogging together. That's right, I said five 20-something women blogging together. It was as if someone suggested I allow myself to be stripped down naked, strapped to a dirty bed in an abandoned psych ward somewhere in the woods of New Hampshire, and willingly subject myself to the latest treatment of being spoon fed rusty barb wire by the innovative and caring Dr. Finger Fuck.

Now that I think about it, Dr. Finger Fuck and his 'treatment' seemed highly attractive compared to the notion of having to read a blog written by five 20-something women.

I wanted to crawl through my computer and turn Madame's trusty and snappy riding crop upon her face. Alas, I'm willing to do pretty much anything for 'Ask', and opened the link anyway.

And then I found myself watching a Jay Z video without having the reaction of wanting to wander off and get my laundry started due to being bored out of my wits. Why? There was nothing else to the post other than some little comment about having a pre-concert 'drank'.

And I got all riled up at Marion Barry all over again. Why? I've thought of him as a stupid, stank and rank Jenny since the 1980's. How did these reflecting and navigating 20-somethings rope me into this?

I even found myself watching an entire video clip of an Alexander McQueen fashion show and dreaming of, just once, strutting my stuff down the runway of anorexiaville while not giving two shits (unless, of course, I've been supplementing my eating disorder with Ex-Lax) that I look like a human toothpick that could be blown in half by a 2mph wind gust.

At the video's end I found myself slack jawed, wide-eyed and wondering, "Did that just happen to me? Did I just admire a fashion show? And actually dream of being in one? Sweet tap dancin' Jesus, how high am I?"

Indeed, five 20-somethings had roped me in and roped me in big. I lost all navigation of my own; not following my usual review protocol of rigid adherence to methodically picking through post after post, scouring the 'About' section, making notes, and then winding it all together for my review.

I simply started reading. I simply wanted more.

Rum Punch
Amaretto
mint julep
5 and a possible
courvoisier
Bellini

Who?Are?You?
I want to know what you did over the weekend. What concert you're going to next. What pains you about attempting to simultaneously respect the rules and live your own truth.

How did you get this quick and witty? You made me laugh out loud. A rarity in the world of blogging.

How did you know the best way to get an old broad like me to actually consider doing a little 40-something navigation of my own was to first entice me into dreaming of ripping the pants off of 'BSteve'? I actually found myself wondering what would have happened if I would R.S.V.P.'d in the affirmative to that invitation to Germany so many years ago, and even reconsidered putting off my trip to the Festival in the Desert another year. And no, none of you are welcome to call me an old broad, lest you want to be shamed into admitting you got bitch slapped by a 40-something whose rudder was off kilter.

Here's a word to you wise, witty, thoughtful and navigating ladies:

1. It's time to edit the shit out of your posts. Though you did rope me in, there were times when your brilliance was dulled by having to slog through lazy misspellings, improper grammar and syntax, and even lazier punctuation. I am using a post by Bellini as an example, but you are all guilty. Create a system of review of your own to help one another work out the kinks before you publish a post. (Yes, I know it's amazing that I'm actually suggesting the kink be taken OUT of a situation.)

2. Knock it off with anything blah. By that I mean I never, ever, ever want to read a post about "this happened and then this happened..." out of any one of you ever again. Did I say never? I mean it. I am more than disappointed that one of you posted this on the very day I am writing this review. This 'turn that frown upside down' crap about a lost i-pod, a snow storm and things being strange at work simply will not do. Ever. Never. Stop it. All of you.

3. Tighten up the information about yourselves and your blog. I do not recommend blowing your anonymity, but do think your blog could benefit from more concise descriptions of each one of you, and an overall 'About' page that describes just how brilliant you are, the reasons you are blogging, and what to expect. The blurb on the front page about blogging about 'everything and nothing' and the 'insane and mundane' is beneath you and your blog.

4. Keep going. I may forever prefer being spoon fed barb wire by Dr. Finger Fuck to reading the ramblings of a passel of 20-something women, but would be more than happy to keep this blog as one of my regular reads if you're willing to follow my instructions in 1, 2 and 3.