She's Got Two Or Three Dwarves Covered

I know, I know. You wanted Forcemeat to do this review, which is understandable. Meat's the jam, I get it, but you got me.

A. Today's blogger suffers the same slippery ill communications of basically, like, 90 percent of submitters: she claims to be something and offers no supporting evidence.

EVERYONE: To echo nearly every single review ever given on this fucking site, do not make blatant declarations about your character unless you're packing a smoking gun. The only thing that reviewers loathe more than shitty writers is shitty liars. Remember way back when everyone was a fucking Humor Blogger (it is so much easier to critique douchey frat-core humorists than the poor, woebegone idealists of late)? Grumpy, you wanna be a cranky bitch? BE A FUCKING BITCH, THEN. Pussy.

However, "grumpy young lady" is an excellent phrase to describe you, I think. It's perky and familiar, tickled with slight self-derogation and intentional bunglement. Granted, the luvable, socially awkward, clumsy puppy-eyes thing can only take a blogger so far. Everyone's doing it. I blame Helen Fielding. I want you to take that personality and cube it.

And then quablam! Cubed. Honesty is underrated. Too much honesty makes some readers uncomfortable, but it depends on the author's presenting attitude, even when we're talking about a woman's right to bear pubic hair. And I must say, I think your stance is brilliant and your defense is brilliant, although I think you might benefit from thicker skin. And to those who made fun of you: I support looking your "best," but don't snoot all over those who are comfortable with themselves and their natural beauty - it's shallow and uncouth, and reveals your classless insecurity.

Then I read something like this, and I realize: she is "whinging" about being ideally healthy. Shut up. That's just obnoxious. Who did that to her, made her think that her personal weight was a problem? And don't tell me "society" because that's bullshit. Suck it.

Sometimes she delves into topics that I don't relate to: marriage, clothes, chick lit (she's a well-balanced reader, but our book preferences differ). But there's wit in there, making it tolerable.

2. Grumpy? Fucking soften up the background color of your template. I have an aversion to offensive digital yellows. Maybe you think that yellowness represents you, like, as a person or something, because you're bright and sweet and tend to give people migraines, and that's...whatever. You seem very nice, but from over here it smells like moldy fruit and I just want to quickly and politely suggest we go for out for some pistachio gelato and then head back to my place.

D. Here's the thing: You obviously can write. I like how you've started venturing into snapshots and stories instead of your old school chronicling journal stuff.

So here's my advice, from an uneducated reviewer to an established Australian teacher, which seems unfair: Sometimes your writing is a little hurried and overenthusiastic. Breathe. Edit. You often find a rhythm two sentences before your posts end. Start writing each post loose and unrestrained, then cut half of it. Four small paragraphs of introduction and one punchline at the end doesn't do it for me. I want you to write a post that is, itself, a punchline. Not a collection of zingers - that's annoying. What I mean is, take this line you invented:

Music for awakening, rather than cute boys who were all teeth.

and write the shit out of that post.



As an afterthought: I totally should have gone with this like, Seven Dwarves motiff, where I analyzed little grumpypants in seven different categories, and then like...whatever. Too late.