Wednesday, June 30, 2010

She's Got Two Or Three Dwarves Covered

I know, I know. You wanted Forcemeat to do this review, which is understandable. Meat's the jam, I get it, but you got me.

A. Today's blogger suffers the same slippery ill communications of basically, like, 90 percent of submitters: she claims to be something and offers no supporting evidence.

EVERYONE: To echo nearly every single review ever given on this fucking site, do not make blatant declarations about your character unless you're packing a smoking gun. The only thing that reviewers loathe more than shitty writers is shitty liars. Remember way back when everyone was a fucking Humor Blogger (it is so much easier to critique douchey frat-core humorists than the poor, woebegone idealists of late)? Grumpy, you wanna be a cranky bitch? BE A FUCKING BITCH, THEN. Pussy.

However, "grumpy young lady" is an excellent phrase to describe you, I think. It's perky and familiar, tickled with slight self-derogation and intentional bunglement. Granted, the luvable, socially awkward, clumsy puppy-eyes thing can only take a blogger so far. Everyone's doing it. I blame Helen Fielding. I want you to take that personality and cube it.

And then quablam! Cubed. Honesty is underrated. Too much honesty makes some readers uncomfortable, but it depends on the author's presenting attitude, even when we're talking about a woman's right to bear pubic hair. And I must say, I think your stance is brilliant and your defense is brilliant, although I think you might benefit from thicker skin. And to those who made fun of you: I support looking your "best," but don't snoot all over those who are comfortable with themselves and their natural beauty - it's shallow and uncouth, and reveals your classless insecurity.

Then I read something like this, and I realize: she is "whinging" about being ideally healthy. Shut up. That's just obnoxious. Who did that to her, made her think that her personal weight was a problem? And don't tell me "society" because that's bullshit. Suck it.

Sometimes she delves into topics that I don't relate to: marriage, clothes, chick lit (she's a well-balanced reader, but our book preferences differ). But there's wit in there, making it tolerable.

2. Grumpy? Fucking soften up the background color of your template. I have an aversion to offensive digital yellows. Maybe you think that yellowness represents you, like, as a person or something, because you're bright and sweet and tend to give people migraines, and that's...whatever. You seem very nice, but from over here it smells like moldy fruit and I just want to quickly and politely suggest we go for out for some pistachio gelato and then head back to my place.

D. Here's the thing: You obviously can write. I like how you've started venturing into snapshots and stories instead of your old school chronicling journal stuff.

So here's my advice, from an uneducated reviewer to an established Australian teacher, which seems unfair: Sometimes your writing is a little hurried and overenthusiastic. Breathe. Edit. You often find a rhythm two sentences before your posts end. Start writing each post loose and unrestrained, then cut half of it. Four small paragraphs of introduction and one punchline at the end doesn't do it for me. I want you to write a post that is, itself, a punchline. Not a collection of zingers - that's annoying. What I mean is, take this line you invented:
Music for awakening, rather than cute boys who were all teeth.
and write the shit out of that post.



As an afterthought: I totally should have gone with this like, Seven Dwarves motiff, where I analyzed little grumpypants in seven different categories, and then like...whatever. Too late.

17 comments:

  1. Quablam is right. Really loved the post about her mom. I like this blog, I think I can get into it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I loved about ten percent of it, and considering the sheer volume of posts, that's a big chunk. If I could just yank out that ten percent and start another blog, it would have been a solid four stars, or a shakey IFLY. But too often I was just going, "COME ON, where is the good stuff?"

    ReplyDelete
  3. This review, by the way, was almost impossible to write.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Eeek! Just had a quick read. I have been waiting aages for review and it is here...and 5am and Oz and I am late to take husband to work. I will be back!

    ps: Thanks Blues - appreciate it1

    ReplyDelete
  5. Being a keen AAYSR reader, I know that is it WAY more fun when the reviewee gets all snitty and defensive when they have had a new one torn for them. (I think I just got a gentle nip more than anything) It is mega yawn when all they do is simper and say ‘thanks for the invaluable feedback I will get onto that straight away, yes sir!’

    Vomit.

    I haven’t decided which camp I am in.

    I am not affronted. Okay, well, maybe a little bit. Mouldy fruit?

    Nor have I seen the gleaming light that gently ushers me to fix the error of my ways. Okay, well maybe a little bit there too; I AM a lazy writer. I don’t breathe or edit much, arsing about on my English teacher laurels. (Not that that makes me very special – I don’t need a Masters to teach future leaders, unlike my US counterparts)

    I appreciate the review. I will try to be a real, proper cranky bitch and write the shit out of stuff.

    ps: Shiner - may I be so bold as to ask why the review was so difficult to write?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am blissfully happy over the fact that this blog introduced me to the idea of calling my hoo-ha my "carpeted entry hall".
    I am somewhat happy over some of the posts that managed to grab me and take me to another place, time, thought, etc...
    I am on the verge of hitting something due to that eye-bleed yellow background. Until it is changed, I shall not return.

    ReplyDelete
  7. In regards to the moldy fruit - it's the yellow, Grumpy. The fucking yellow. I cannot. Handle. The yellow. I don't know if it's my computer screens or what, but it's blinding.

    And I say: No, don't be a "proper cranky bitch." You aren't bitchy at all, and that's the point - don't claim to be something you aren't just for effect, unless you're a good enough liar to pull it off.

    Just stick with Grumpy Young Lady. It suits you well.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It was hard because, if you see my comment above, some of your writing was excellent. More was "meh."

    ReplyDelete
  9. But your good stuff was fantastic.

    ReplyDelete
  10. MG, I love your input and your style. START UP YOUR BLOG AGAIN, WHOREHEAD.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Whorehead is my new favorite word.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am succumbing to peer pressure and will ratchet down the yellow....but I have to get the dude who designed the blog for me to do it so......check on me now and then to see, just make sure you are wearing your sunglasses.

    ReplyDelete
  13. If you change that yellow, even if it's still yellow but just muted...I will give you another star. I really, really couldn't stand it. and I like yellow.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The word Twat comes to mind. You, not Grumpy. The great thing about this blog is that you see the person develop along with the writing. That's why you go back, why you need to READ it, not dip into it and expect to get the full measure of it. And I like the yellow thanks. It's sharp and cuts the saccharine right from the start. My beef is I want pictures. But that's me, that's what I like. But they're irrelevant so it doesn't stop me going back to read. And if the yellow is enough to stop YOU going back, that says more about you than the blog. If I was the Grumpy Young Lady, I'd rather like to shove you off your pedestal. In fact, I'd rather like to shove you off myself. Twat.

    ReplyDelete
  15. NS - you are my own lil personal guard dog...not that you are a dog. You know what I mean ;) either way I appreciate it.

    Ah well, Shiny has to be mean to keep the AAYSR readers keen. Wasn't a bad review in whole scheme of things.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I went back to read this, because Grumpy has gotten so much better in her blog lately, and Narrativeself? You have no fucking idea what you're talking about. I read every single post on the entire blog, and I think you need to practice your fucking inference skills. I liked her a lot.

    She got a good review, you fucking illiterate.

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.