Thursday, July 01, 2010

Ice me bro!


Growing up in a family of five was a challenge. Even though we all hatched a minute apart and fed on the same festering carrion, it was always about Rooney. No, not that neckless worthless untalented egomanaical mughead who keeps limping off the pitch. Rooney was the first in the Raptor family to graduate from the Dikaios Institute for Lambent Dinosaurs, Oregon. While my own alma mater did plenty to advance my growth as a vicious predator with an inclination towards African art, college life was tough. Alcohol was the easy way out and spelt doom for my third liver, but I did alright. A time and a place for everything, Dad said, even if that referred to my face in a puddle of regurgitated sheep.

Some precocious teenagers turn to writing, and are caught in the twilight zone of texting-on-the-blog about shit no one cares about. And so we meet today's victim, Jon Morgan. Jon authors "Me vs College" - The life and times of Jon Morgan. Now, a byline like that belongs either to a Wodehouse book, or someone completely fictional, but life is never that simple.

I looked around and thought to myself holy cow - this guy can write. Endlessly, that is. Scrolling past his latest post took me more time than Rooney's god-damn thesis defense. Ever heard of thumbnails Jon? Let's talk aesthetics a bit. Your background is a bit vanilla, but I'll take that over frightening fit inducing graphics any day. Think about widening your body column a bit, widescreens were invented 10 years ago. Tabbed navigation and clean archives is a good start, but what the hell are all the buttons for? Your sidebar is obscenely crowded and negates all the cleanliness in your template. You and your blog are all readers want to see on your blog . Here's a hint - stop whoring out to get referral hits. Write your ass off, visit blogs that matter and the visitors will follow.

Alright, we're done with the potatoes and gravy, how about some meat? You overuse strikethroughs. Several posts consist of fake dialogue. Memes from 4chan, how original. And when you're not blogging about blogging, or the lack of it, you're celebrating pointless anniversaries. Who does monthly anniversaries? That's more annoying than yuppie parents celebrating their kid's "6-month birthday". And pages upon pages of those retarded quizzes. Fuck it, I'm going to stop linking now.

Look Jon, there's not a whole lot a college senior can write about, we get that. But stop posting shit for the sake of it. I simply don't get the point behind most of your posts, it gets worse than livejournal at times. Memes get old on /b/ in a heartbeat, why the fuck would you waste your readers' time with them? I see a young man trying to find a voice, a direction - in life, not just on your blog. That's good, but stop trying so damn hard. You go from blue-eyed college kid to forced-arrogant-dipshit in the space of 4 lines. I was drawn into this, but that annoying douche who keeps saying "chums" took over.

Find a line between quality and quantity and stick to it. No one's going to freak out if they don't hear from you in 2 weeks. Wait 24 hours before you publish, read your post a couple of times before you do. Take care of the little things - don't call something profound or funny, let your audience decide. And for fucks sake stop using "lol jk", do you plan to type your resume like that?

College is fun, idiotic and more. Sex is the not only thing you'll discover so hang in there and use your voice for something that matters.

For a clean template, and for showing promise, 2.5 stars.


30 comments:

  1. Oh, Jon Morgan, honey...you ARE a novice. Don't lie to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Blasted machines.

    Mr Raptor, you are a sterling gent. Feel free to pop over for a pitcher of regurgitated sheep any time you're in my neck of the woods.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Why is this accursed machine eating my bon mots?

    ReplyDelete
  5. And that, Meat, has earned you comment of the week.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey Johnny - did you let him know?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Shiner, I did. He has moderated comments.

    Forcemeat, why thank you good sir. I'll bring a bottle of my best goat blood for the feast.

    ReplyDelete
  8. He's young and sweet. And I was a little confused at first about Gamma--girlfriend, frat brother or grandmother. Now I know.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I fucking HATE strikethrough. It's the dumbest shit on earth. Is that how you spell dumbest?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thank you, Mr Raptor, for the great review! I wasn't sure I was ever going to get my turn after the mini-hiatus you guys went through, so I'm glad it's finally happened!
    But I feel the need to give credit where credit is due. I've never actually been to 4chan, so I can't speak for their memes, but I stole the whole fake dialog/strikethrough bit from this lovely lady - http://steammeupkid.blogspot.com/ .
    Again, thanks for the review!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Funny how keen he is for a puppy when he is one himself. All big-pawed and eager. Possibly a bit too eager.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Way to take it on the chin. Now go smuggle run in a pepsi bottle.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Just so you know, Jon, pointing out the gimmicks of a popular blogger doesn't really justify using them. I mean, millions of people pay money to see Kevin James movies. On purpose.

    Creative justice is an illusion.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Still, a works cited is always appreciated. If you'd claimed to be the inventor of strikethroughs, I would have demanded Johnny redact his rating and give you some fingers. Clawed fingers.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Raptor...he's not a frat boy OR a college senior. You even said yourself to reread your posts before uploading them. Maybe you should follow your own rules, or simply do a little more research before writing stuff. Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ahh, I love xkcd. You're so clever.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Well Jon, it would seem you have an ardent fan.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Strikethrough just isn't funny. And some of the most painfully dreadful blogs I've ever endured use it to milk that joke until its udders bleed.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I agree with Ellie - bit of a galumphing puppy. He is all 'play with me, play with me!'....when I want him perhaps to be a little more aloof and cat-like, drawing us in so we WANT to pat him, even though he might bite.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am the last person on earth who should have read a post on the reviewee's blog.
    Regret comes to mind.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Awww, I love Jon! He's a sweetie and he will take this all with a good sense of humor.

    Me, I would never have the balls to put my blog up for this! Considering the size of my balls, that says something.

    ReplyDelete
  22. From all the creepy cougar and cub(cougar in training)comments, I am starting to view Jon as something akin to Justin Bieber, and that is not good.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Wait, who said he was in a frat? No one said he was in a frat. There is absolutely no way this kid sounds like a frat kid.

    Unless we are alluding to Franklin's Gamma comment? Since Gamma is a greek letter she made a frat joke? DO WE NEED TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING HERE?

    ReplyDelete
  24. It's the fact that the entry is called "Ice Me Bro". As far as I know only frat boys "ice" each other. And Johnny told me to smuggle run in a pepsi bottle, another frat activity.

    ReplyDelete
  25. "frat activity" cracked me up. So we're playing detective now? Shiner, I wasn't going to explain myself to him and his precious friends (seen his angsty post since my review?).

    Yeah Jon, you're not a senior or a frat boy, 2.5 stars is still pretty generous. Grow a pair dude, you asked for a review and you got one. You can go "na-na-na-na I'll stick to mediocre to poor writing" on a crowded blog, or do something better with your time. Either way, I don't care.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh lighten up, Jon. For an extremely positive review, you're being a nit-picky brat.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I would like to exchange links with your site iwillfuckingtearyouapart.blogspot.com
    Is this possible?

    ReplyDelete

Grow a pair.