Growing up in a family of five was a challenge. Even though we all hatched a minute apart and fed on the same festering carrion, it was always about Rooney. No, not that neckless worthless untalented egomanaical mughead who keeps limping off the pitch. Rooney was the first in the Raptor family to graduate from the Dikaios Institute for Lambent Dinosaurs, Oregon. While my own alma mater did plenty to advance my growth as a vicious predator with an inclination towards African art, college life was tough. Alcohol was the easy way out and spelt doom for my third liver, but I did alright. A time and a place for everything, Dad said, even if that referred to my face in a puddle of regurgitated sheep.
Some precocious teenagers turn to writing, and are caught in the twilight zone of texting-on-the-blog about shit no one cares about. And so we meet today's victim, Jon Morgan. Jon authors "Me vs College" - The life and times of Jon Morgan. Now, a byline like that belongs either to a Wodehouse book, or someone completely fictional, but life is never that simple.
I looked around and thought to myself holy cow - this guy can write. Endlessly, that is. Scrolling past his latest post took me more time than Rooney's god-damn thesis defense. Ever heard of thumbnails Jon? Let's talk aesthetics a bit. Your background is a bit vanilla, but I'll take that over frightening fit inducing graphics any day. Think about widening your body column a bit, widescreens were invented 10 years ago. Tabbed navigation and clean archives is a good start, but what the hell are all the buttons for? Your sidebar is obscenely crowded and negates all the cleanliness in your template. You and your blog are all readers want to see on your blog . Here's a hint - stop whoring out to get referral hits. Write your ass off, visit blogs that matter and the visitors will follow.
Alright, we're done with the potatoes and gravy, how about some meat? You overuse strikethroughs. Several posts consist of fake dialogue. Memes from 4chan, how original. And when you're not blogging about blogging, or the lack of it, you're celebrating pointless anniversaries. Who does monthly anniversaries? That's more annoying than yuppie parents celebrating their kid's "6-month birthday". And pages upon pages of those retarded quizzes. Fuck it, I'm going to stop linking now.
Look Jon, there's not a whole lot a college senior can write about, we get that. But stop posting shit for the sake of it. I simply don't get the point behind most of your posts, it gets worse than livejournal at times. Memes get old on /b/ in a heartbeat, why the fuck would you waste your readers' time with them? I see a young man trying to find a voice, a direction - in life, not just on your blog. That's good, but stop trying so damn hard. You go from blue-eyed college kid to forced-arrogant-dipshit in the space of 4 lines. I was drawn into this, but that annoying douche who keeps saying "chums" took over.
Find a line between quality and quantity and stick to it. No one's going to freak out if they don't hear from you in 2 weeks. Wait 24 hours before you publish, read your post a couple of times before you do. Take care of the little things - don't call something profound or funny, let your audience decide. And for fucks sake stop using "lol jk", do you plan to type your resume like that?
College is fun, idiotic and more. Sex is the not only thing you'll discover so hang in there and use your voice for something that matters.
For a clean template, and for showing promise, 2.5 stars.